I never know how "hard" days are going to be. I don't know if I'm going to want to cry all day or if I'm going to want to keep busy. I don't know if the day will go by and I'll be cranky, grumpy and snapping at everyone, only to remember (not that I truly ever forget) what day it is.
The "hard" days that seem to be left are birthdays and anniversaries but the anniversaries include wedding, dating, and death anniversaries. It seems that January and February are the hardest. I lost three very important people in those months.
Today it has been four years since Garrett passed away. I never forget. Recently it seems as though it is a story I tell people. Years and years of the telling the story it seems memorized and rehearsed. And then...out of no where, I find myself crying in bed. I feel forgotten. I feel like people have forgotten him. I feel like I am forgetting him. I can't remember parts of our life and there is no one to ask. There is a chunk of my life that doesn't exist anymore.
Many memories stay clear in life because talk about them. We reminisce. We repeat the details. We look at pictures and laugh and say, "Remember when..." There is almost a decade of my life that I have not been able to do that. When some distant memory comes up and I try to remember that place we went or that restaurant we loved, I don't have anyone to ask and so the details are forgotten. I think there were things I didn't even try to remember because I knew he would.
Another hard thing about the memories is that we just don't have very many pictures of Garrett. As parents, we spent a lot of time behind the camera and not nearly enough in front of the camera. Now that I have a beautiful camera, I think I take way too many pictures because of that very reason but once again, I'm just behind the camera.
Today I grieve and it's hard. I've seen it coming. It doesn't get easier, it is just different. Loosing Garrett meant I've lost a lot of memories, some family and our friends. There is hardly anyone left in my life that knew us all along the way and could fill in the memories when I say "Remember when..."
As I looked through pictures it seems the few pictures I have are of our wedding. Here's a few:
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| Us, my parents and my mom's parents. |
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| Us, my parents & my dad's parent. Only 1/2 of the people in this picture are here today. |
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| Us and my parents. |
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| Garrett & my mom. |
I can't fill in all your details for you, but hope it helps to know there are those of us who have not forgotten him and never will and will always love him and miss him right along with you. I'm sitting here with tears rolling down my cheeks just thinking about it. No matter how many years have passed, my thoughts still go to how unreal and unfair it all seems that he is not here with us. I admit I do not always understand the purpose of these kinds of things in life and as much as I try to believe there is a good reason, in cases like this I'm just left with disbelief and sadness and a feeling like we still needed him here with us. We just have to believe in our Creator and know that Garrett is at peace and we will see him again someday. Blessings and comfort to you and your family today.
ReplyDeleteThis may sound strange, but I didn't cry when I read this, Renee...I smiled. I smiled so big because posting this was the most perfect thing you could do. Reading your words and seeing Garrett's face in those pictures made my chest feel tight and my heart ache - for you mostly, since you are feelings something so powerful and difficult, but also my heart hurt thinking about his goofy smile and his big ol' sideburns, feeling like he shouldn't have been taken so soon. And then I took a deep breath and let it out...and that's when I smiled. It's good to feel. Feelings are the exact reason the good memories are timeless. You may not remember the every little detail, and some of your family/friends (myself included) may not be able to fill in all your gaps, but I'm willing to bet that the memories of him that you do hold on to are the ones worth keeping. You may not remember the name of that restaurant you went to that one time...but I bet you can remember what it felt like to hold his hand. The sadness you're feeling is something I can not comprehend my old friend. But the fact that you still FEEL is an essential part of keeping those memories with you. And subsequently end up rousing memories of my own, for which I am so grateful. You are an amazing woman, you don't need me to tell you that. Today is the perfect day to cry and grieve...you can treat tomorrow as a fresh new day. I want you to know that you, Garrett, Megan and Haley will always have your own little place in my mess of memories and such a huge piece of my heart! ;) I love you very much.
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