Bubbling over

The words are bubbling over. They are streaming out of me. I can't seem to shut them up or out or whatever!

I felt like I had no word for so long. Now I feel like I have too many words. I can't get my thoughts around them all and so making them into some sort of concise thought may not happen, so bare with me.

As I prepare to get my kids prepared to go back to school (ugh, I know summer is almost over), I have moments where I feel great sadness. In years past, I was also preparing to go back to school. Though my school supplies list was much shorter and really more just things I needed to feel more prepared rather than a long list of "must haves" for the year, I would go to the office supply store and get them pencils, pens, markers, crayons, colored pencils, glue, tape and a ruler then I would get myself a new highlighter. I would get them backpacks, lunch snacks, new uniforms and get myself a pack of computer paper.

Last year, my schooling went on hold for the 3rd time since I started. At the time, my heart didn't break, not even one little bit. There had been new challenges that arose last summer that turned our family upside-down. We were in total survival mode of a time. My focus was my family and only my family. In some ways I was too busy to grieve not going to school.

But then, almost a year later, I realized it was something much different. I wasn't too busy to grieve, I was a little lost. At the end of my school year last spring, I had lost focus, drive and passion. I was doing bare minimum just to pass the class. I hated my courses, thought the teachers were overbearing and just wanted to be done, counting the days till each class was over. I could hardly stand my computer and was feeling overwhelmed. I didn't see it then and actually it took almost a year until I did.

My wonderful hubby saw it as it was happening. Instead of telling just what I was doing then, he let me sit with it this past year. He watched as I wrestled with my feelings about school. He watched as I made myself busy with life and tried to ignore the flashing sign about my head.

When I finally acknowledge it, he said he saw that coming. He said I wasn't giving school my all. He said he was concerned I had lost focus. But of course, the overly-introspective person I am, I had already been thinking and working it out inside by the time I came to him. I had already refocused and I had already done some research. I looked at my life hard and prayed a lot.

Here's where I am now...

I was going to school to be a grief counselor. Sounds about right, huh? Well here's the problem with that. There is a lot of school involved with that. I would have at least four more years ahead of me. Then comes the next issue. Too many Americans don't have health coverage and if they do it only covers a very small amount for mental health. In today's world, it isn't going to be a money maker. After four more years of school, I would have a LOT of school debt. I would have to work a long time to get that paid off and so me working wouldn't really relieve any financial pressure from my hubby. So I would have spend our whole marriage working towards making my career so that in the end, I wouldn't make from my career enough to make it worth while.

Sometimes, just sometimes, it all comes down to money. This was one of those times.

I feel called to the grieving. That hasn't changed. So I was sitting in a pool of discontent wondering how I could walk in my calling and not go broke doing it.

Well, God is good. He worked it all out for me. I still have no idea how all of it will work but I know He's got it under control. So in the end, I'm changing my major. I'll get a degree in something (that will be divulged later) that will help pay the bills and is something I really, really enjoy doing. My other time (not that I have a lot of that right now but I hope to have more someday soon), I will serve the grieving. I won't depend on getting a paycheck from the grieving or some non-profit organization. I can serve them with my time, energy, love and experience and need nothing in return.

My major will be changing when I can get back to school. I'll only have 2 years left to finish and have a very versatile degree suited for me. I'll be able to serve those for whom I have a heart. I don't feel so overwhelmed and lost. I'm pretty happy about just serving my family right now and can't wait till the doors open for me to return to school.

Calling

What a strange word. I know in the Christian circles, we hear it all the time. Pastors and ministers are called or they have received "the call". What on earth does that mean?

Okay, I'm not really asking. I feel I have that pretty clear, but what's not so clear is how on earth I can be called to so many things. I am called to be a mother, wife, daughter, friend and mentor. I am called as a women of God (and there are lots of things there...that could be its own blog post, or book, or whatever). I am called to service. I am called to witness. I am called give to the poor. I am called to forgive. I am called to love others. I really could go on and on about all the thing we to which Christians, women and people are called.

BUT...what is my calling? Each Christian has a specific calling. God designed us as individuals and calls us each to something different. AND...do those callings change? Do we get new callings even though we feel we may not have finished the first calling? How do we figure out His calling on our lives and where do we get the road map to figure out how to walk in it? When do we start that walk? With whom do we walk? Why does it seem that callings can be fuzzy or undefined yet so exciting and purposeful at the same time?

Okay, this blog post isn't about answering all these question though I will say there are answers to all of them (some of the answer we may not like, but none the less there are answers). This is about asking the questions. I have discovered recently, that if I'm not asking God questions, He's not giving me answers, not showing me the way, not directing my path.

It's not God that's not doing His job...it's me.

I need to be apart of His plan for me. He's not going to make me do it. As my Heavenly Father, He teaches me a lesson and then maybe He teaches it again and again and again.

Here's the thing...it's not because I'm dumb and can't get it. It's not because I'm bad. It's because just like my kids, repetition is the key to learning. My kids didn't jump into a pool and know how to swim. They got in the pool everyday, summer after summer and slowly learned how to do all kinds of swimming things. They had to swallow a lot of water to learn to close their mouths and pinch their noses. They had to ask for help when they got too far out and couldn't get back. They had to practice blowing bubbles and kicking their legs, but today, I could throw them in the pool and they can swim. It's been a lot of hard work, for them and for me. We had lots of tears. We had times when they wanted to give up and so did I. We had good moments followed by really bad ones. They still have a long way to go and still could learn so much more, but they can swim if only for a little bit but certainly enough to have fun.

So is it with our calling. I didn't get it at first and it felt like God threw me in the deep end. The truth is that if I had stopped freaking out for just one minute, I would have realized I was in shallow water and could just stand. The other part is that it is like swimming and not so much like being on a path to my calling. In the water there are a thousand different ways I can swim but I can see in the horizon where I am going. Sometimes the current pulls me one way and I may need to fight to get out of that current to get where I'm going. Other times the current seems to just push me towards my goal. There isn't one defined path if I step off it I'm lost. I can usually see where I'm going. Sometimes I can't see though because I needed to take a break and float on my back of a minute...but in the end, I "just keep swimming, swimming, swimming, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la," to quote Dory from "Finding Nemo".

Silence again

My how easy it can be to get lost in silence in my world. Oh, I'm not talking about the kids actually being silent so I can put two thoughts together. I'm talking about loosing my voice and finding it hard to write...here specifically.

I all of the sudden have great sympathy of those who may have suffered from writer's block at any point. I may not be trying to write the next best seller, but it can be so frustrating to loose your voice (writing voice that is).

I have been lost in my own thoughts these past weeks. There has been busyness around me and things that need my attention, but when given a moment, just one solitude moment, I am lost in thought.

One of my closest friends is walking into a wonderful time in her life. She is uplifting to hear. She is excited, on fire and willing for whatever God is bringing her. Her heart is open. Her mind is bubbling over with joy. She is absolutely a fantastic person to be near. She is a light shining with God's love and promises. I thank God I get to walk next to her as she finds everything God has in store, revels in His blessings and shares His plan for her.

It certainly is what my soul needed. As I told her the other day, I don't believe I'm no longer walking forward in my "calling", I just happen to be on a plateau. At this moment, I'm not heading up the mountain but I'm still moving. It just seems like it has been too long on this plateau. In fact, while I stand here, I can honestly say it certainly isn't where I thought I would be right now...and that my friends, is super frustrating.

I was loosing the vision. It felt dark in my world. My "calling" felt shut down and turned off. I have been tired of moving forward without feeling like I was making progress.

Change in perspective. 

That was my friend's words for her story. I heard them. It resonated. Then I heard them again and again and again.

My "calling" is not what I expected it would be. Hmmm. Think just for one moment and let me write that again. It is not what I expected. Yep...I heard that God. I got it. Your plan is perfect for me. You have it under control. My expectations are just that...mine. What you have in store is so much better.

So today, as I am lost in thought, I will think on this, "Change in perspective." I'm not sure what my friend's story will bring. I know God has some awesome things in store for her and I will pray over her as she walks in this. But for today, she has certainly already affected me. I am changed. I am changing my perspective. It's not my plan for my calling in which I am walking but His plan. That was the perspective change I needed today.

Thanks as always for listening. I hope I will find my words again soon, so I can elaborate what I mean by all of this...

Disconnect

This week past week was rough on my town. Waldo Canyon Fire created havoc in our town. Many were left homeless and still many are not back home. 346 homes were destroyed in our town in one evening. With that said, 14,000 homes were miraculously saved by our wonderful firefighters.

All of this has caused our town to grieve. We have pulled together but there has been an acknowledgement that we are a town in crisis. We are all experiencing this together. There have been references to what we learned from 9/11. We don't let our kids sit in front of the TV for hours on end hearing every last update on the fire. We realize we are all in shock and hurting. We realize this has hit too many families. There have been many that have come out in force to help.

Disconnect.

I am sitting in disconnect right now.

My life has not been forever changed by a fire ravaging my home. My things are safe. My family is safe. My friends are safe.

I woke up this morning and realized calm has come over our city again. People are relaxing. Fire isn't the only thing about which we all talk.

There are countless stories raising from the ashes that warm the heart and bring thanks to God. There are people going above and beyond to help. Somehow...that all feels so distant.

We have given what we can to the relief organizations. My kids and I have cleaned out closets for clothing donations. We, as a family, sacrificed time with my hubby so he could work late nights to help evacuees with their cars. We prepared our home for evacuees but it was not needed.

It is starting to already feel like a distant smoky memory on the mountain. I can see it...but it is in the distance.

I have started to go back to "normal" life and prepare for vacation. I can't wait to spend an entire week in the mountains with my family, extended family, friends and family friends. It's certainly what my soul needs. No electricity. No running water. No cell phones or electronics. A cabin. My family. Coolers and gear. Simple.

The strangeness that came over this city with the fire is still here. It will be here for a while. There is a bit of disconnect knowing that this has happened but yet not really being in the thick of it. My community will be forever changed.

I'm not sure what or why I'm writing this. This isn't what I set out to write but these are the words that came. I hope to be apart of the rebuilding of our community in any way I can. I pray over the many that are in the thick of it. I pray we continue to stand together as we have so far. I pray for things word cannot express right now but in all of it, I pray for God's will.