Words from a blended family...

The sounds of children talking can be so precious. I love sitting on my bed listening to the chatterings of children on the other side of the door. They don't know I am listening and so they chatter away unfiltered.

I hear them share things I would otherwise never hear. They tell each other things that make a mother's heart smile. They talk as though there are no lines that separate them. They converse like old friends and sisters. They love each other so much and you can hear it in the tenderness of their voices.

But when others listen...

The story changes...

They have to define things like "your dad" said or "your mom" said. They have to respect the lines adults have created. They don't say our parents but rather, your mom & my dad. They don't say my sister but rather use a name as to not offend others that may be listening.

You've heard about parental alienation but what about step-alienation? Not just for the step-mom or step-dad but the step-siblings. They don't want to draw lines. They don't want to call each other step-sisters or step-brothers. We don't use that term in our home but others almost require it of them.

What I mean by that is this...

We have two girls the same age in the same grade. One his. One hers. So being at the same school, people want to know how they are sisters if they aren't twins. Once the word "step" is introduced, it seems everyone has to define that for them. I've heard things like, "Well they're only step-sisters, not real sisters."

I just wanna scream! What do you mean they aren't real sisters? They share a room, sit next to one another at the table, share a bathroom, have some friends in common, have the same chores, do their laundry together and well do just about everything together. In some ways, I think they are more sisters than the girls in our home that actually share some blood.

What makes a "real" sister, I might ask?

As an adoptee, I have heard people ask me who my "real" parents where or wanting to use "adoptive parents" when referring to my mom & dad. I've had to educate people that my mom & dad were my "REAL" parents. They were the only parents I know. They are legally responsible for me and legally connected to me for life. In some ways, as and adopted person, I actually have more legal connection to my parents than birth kids. You can disown a kiddo from a will if you so please. Did you know my parents cannot? They swore before a judge to be legally attached to me for the rest of their lives and unlike divorce, there is no getting out of this one. My parents cannot disown me. They are stuck with me.

But I never thought I would have the same sickening feeling in my stomach when people talked about my kiddos. I hate defining 1/2 siblings and step-siblings. Who cares? No really...I want to know. Who cares? Why do you care if my kids are in the same grade but not twins? Why do you have to define which kid belongs to which parent? Why do you need to know how everyone fits together?

I call it step-family alienation.

Would you think it rude if I asked you if your husband was your kiddo's dad? Would you think it inappropriate if I asked when you got married & how old your kids are? Would you willing provide an explanation of how everyone in your family is related? Do you need to know how long my husband was divorces before we married? Do you need to know when my late husband passed away? Do you need to know how long I waited before I dated?

Guess what? I married an amazing man. We have 5 kids. Done. That's it.

If I don't use these words in my home, why do you (society) force my kids to use them?

My girls told me & hubby at dinner last week that the next time people tried to figure out how they were sisters, they were just going to tell them they were twins...identical twins! I said more power to you.

I mean my girls can talk without even using real words. They translate for each other. They predict each others' next move. They finish each others' sentences. Sounds like twins to me! Just sayin'

The "twins" are the brunettes...if you couldn't tell.

Really, really bad days...

Did you ever wake up thinking you were going to have a good day and within an hour that wasn't the case? Hmmm, I did...

I'm over the stress and anxiety others bring to my life. I'm over the stress of money. I'm over the stress of kids needing this and that and well, I'm just over it.

Today is a bad day. A really, really bad day...

I live in a world that has nothing to do with me. That's okay, because that's called being a mom...but today, the step-mom stuff hurts.

What really gets to me is how often I have to pay for the actions of others with whom I have no and I mean NO relationship and I never will. I keep trying to teach my kiddos that there are times in life when we all have to pay a consequence for others' actions but right now I just wanna pitch a fit. I don't wanna learn a life lesson. I don't wanna! I DON'T WANNA!

Okay, breath in...and out.

I'm done. I've pitched my fit.

I love being a mom and wife. I love my kids and my husband. I love all the baggage that comes with this crazy, blended family. Somedays, I sit down to dinner and look around my family and I can't see anything but my family. It doesn't matter that they all have a different set of parents. It doesn't matter that they are 1/2 siblings or step siblings. We don't even use that word. In fact the dog is a sister too, really she is.

We're a family. All in one bunch. Crazy, different, and mostly happy family...

I want to close my eyes and pretend there is nothing beyond these walls of my home. I want to live in a world with just my family. I want to worry about the needs of the children who sit at my table and sleep in my home.

But this is not the truth for blended families.

We have people come in and out of our house. We have people who don't spend any time in our house and yet we are still responsible for them. Their needs usually take the priority over everyone else. We don't get a say. We don't have a voice. And really more than that, I don't have a voice.

The whoas of a step-mom are many today. I get to work hard for others to squander and make bad choices. I pick up the pieces that others' have broken. I pay the bills (or rather my husband does) for things I never see. I'm not considered a relevant party in making decisions regarding these kiddos, though I drive kiddos, and sacrifice and, and, and I thought I was like a mom...but oh by the way, the law says I'm not.

Somedays the kids hug me and I wonder what it would have been like to be their mom. I dream of a world where my hubby and I had kiddos together. Where we post pictures of ultrasounds and have a baby shower (and hubby doesn't want to come but does). Where we make lots of first memories together and I get to see the first time they smiled or laughed or rolled over. Were we lay in bed late at night with a toddler kicking us and climbing on us.

Mostly I'm glad I don't have babies or toddlers anymore. I love my mostly grown kiddos. They have been amazing to watch grow and they've matured so much. We have conversations like we're friends sometimes. I love hanging out with their friends and love taking them places to hang out with their friends.

But my hubby and I will never have a child together. We will never experience pregnancy as a couple. We will never get to pick a name together. We will never say, "I think she has my nose and your smile."

More than that, I'll never be mom to his kids.

They call me Renee...

I'm not their mom.

Like I said, it's a really, really bad day...

Okay, time to wipe away the tears. I love them and they love me. That really is enough and what really counts. Time to pick myself up and be mom. Even without the title, I still have to do my job...

First day of 5th grade times 2!

This year I have two fifth grade girls at TCA Central! Sisters in two different classes in the same grade. They are a stellar duo for sure. This will be their first year at school together. I'm excited to see what new adventures that will bring.

Now for the first time ever, my three girls get to go to the same school (though Megan is at a different campus for Jr. High). Haley gets to introduce all her friends to her sister Cassidy. I'm super excited that they get to have this together. I think as a blended family, anytime we can bond the family together is beneficial to us as a family unit. It's so hard when some kids have two home and some stay with us all the time to keep us bonded together as a family. Unity as school will help our home greatly.

The bonus for our duo is they have different teachers. They couldn't be any more different but yet they are super close. Even their uniform choices differ. Haley want to wear shorts all year (that is if I'll let her) and Cassidy doesn't want a single pair of shorts but wants to wear the plaid skirts all year. Haley likes the polo shirts and Cassidy wants button ups. Haley is petite and one of the shortest in her class whereas Cassidy is one of the tallest but not the tallest (about which she is really happy). Haley would read all day if we let her and punishments have included not being able to read. Cassidy would listen to music all day if we let her and her taste in music is quite eclectic. They like different colors, different clothes and even different foods.

In fact, they hardly have a thing in common. But there last night before school started after we put them to bed, Dad had to go remind them it was bed time and time to be quiet...twice! They giggle and laugh after lights out nearly every night. They make up silly games that I couldn't begin to understand but they know all the rules. They share secrets and though they occasionally ask when they are going to get their own room, I don't think they would actually like being separated.

So the first day of fifth grade times two is off to a great start. One of the best things they discovered is that Haley's best friend Aulora has a sister that is coming to TCA for the first time too & she is also in 5th grade & is in Haley's class. So tonight...we already have our first sleep over of the year (and they brought their older sister as well who is Megan's age). So yes, week one is over (or at least the first day & a half) and we have six giggling girls, 4-5th graders & 2-7th graders. I hope this is the beginning a some beautiful friendships. My favorite part is they only live a half mile away!

As for this year, I pray over all my kiddos. I pray they enjoy their teachers. I pray they make great friends this years. I pray for their safety on the school grounds. I pray they excel in all they can at school. I pray they have a healthy year. Most of all, I pray Haley & Cassidy enjoy being together...yet separate and I pray this unites them and bonds them together as members of our family.

Cassidy's First day of School

Haley's First day of School

Even though it wasn't Megan's 1st day...had to get the 3 girls under the tree

Outside their classroom anxiously waiting to go inside.

Haley with her wonderful teach Ms. Holcomb (Megan had her in 3rd grade)

Cassidy with her teach Ms. Beach...they're both new to TCA this year!

Dad with Cassidy!

Dad with Haley...holding her up to make her a bit taller.

Christmas Traditions Morrison Clan Style

I love Christmas traditions! In a clan this size, we have some that fit everyone. Some of these the girls and I brought to the mix. Some Ryan and his crew brought to the fun. Then there are some that we created together. This is our second year of Christmas Traditions: Morrison Clan Style. I hope you enjoy...oh and I got a new camera this year so hopefully I don't annoy everyone with the thousands of pictures I've already taken!

First we decorate the tree. This always includes pjs, a fire and a warm drink. This year the kids enjoyed Chai Tea Lattes with whipped cream. Each kid gets to put their own ornaments on the tree and share putting up the other ornaments. Each year kids get a special ornament from me and now from their Oma. I mark the year and name the back or bottom. This always starts stories of "Remember when..." Oh and decorating our tree always includes a box of tinsel per person...yes that's 7 boxes of tinsel, which of course the kids LOVE! Ryan I do not think shares that love, but he loves me so at least 7 boxes of tinsel go on the tree every year!

They all looked forward to finding out what I got them this year. I always spend a great deal of time to pick something special that represents their year. My mom did it every year for me, my brother and my dad. Then she did it for my girls and so have I every year. Ryan got a Bronco's ornament because we went to our first game together in November. Dean got a string of VW Bugs or "slug bugs" (a game that we all play and Dean claims that red ones are Spartan bugs, which grant a large Spartan kick, which we do not allow him to do, though he tries). Megan got a Santa riding a dolphin for her science project of a dolphin this year. Alex got a camo-hoodie because his room is all camo. Haley got Reese's PB cup for a funny comment she made telling us she was not "over" us eating all her Halloween Reese's 10 months prior to the comment. Cassidy got a beautiful ornament covered in peace signs, her favorite thing. Next year these will go on the tree and I'm sure there will be a lot of "Remember when..." conversations again.

Our next favorite tradition that is only a couple years old is Christmas with our friends. We get together with some friends and exchange gifts. This year we got together right after decorating the tree. It was a little early Christmas. Somehow this year my house got covered in confetti but we had a blast!

Next we have our Christmas Eve celebration. Last year we had an open house as my mom had for years. Friends and family would stop by, eat yummy snacks and then go to church. This year our lives did not permit for our normal tradition. Still we had one family over for a low key get together just before service. We still had yummy snacks then went to church. After church we stopped for hot chocolate and looked at Christmas lights. We probably didn't see the best displays in town but we had a blast talking about all the things we liked and didn't like.

I think my favorite tradition though is Christmas morning. This year that happened on the 26th at our house. This is one of the things we have have had to be flexible about as a blended family. Even still, it felt like Christmas. While I am wrapping gifts the weeks before, all the paper scraps get saved into a bin that cannot be used. Then we take the scraps and make a wrapping paper wall that covers our hallway. When the kids wake up, they wait for us to "sneak" to the other side and on the count of 3, run through the wall to discover all the gifts under the tree that "appeared" after they slept. It's a tradition that Megan and Haley's dad had as a little boy and one we have cherished and kept.

This year we had Christmas at my in-laws on the evening of Christmas before our Christmas. It's always a fun time filled with family and friends and lots of food. We exchange and open gifts. We laugh and tell stories of years past. I feel so very blessed to have shared my second year with this family and love that the girls and I have been welcomed into their family as though we were always apart of it.

After our Christmas on the 26th we went over to my parent's house for Christmas. They had just moved to a new home. Dad and Diane were excited to start a lot of new memories in their home. My brother, sister-in-law and nephew Aiden were there as were Diane's boys. It was a house full and there was cooking and conversation, games and laughter. The high light is when Oma (Diane) got Papa and the kids a Wii. We actually didn't pull our family away till almost midnight. We all remarked how wonderful it was and know that their new home will be a house filled with memories.

After all the hustle and bustle, I am excited to say that I feel very blessed. Not too long ago my family was small and broken just me, my girls, my dad and my brother. Now we have a large loving family that surrounds us. I have a beautiful home and so does my dad. We talk often about not really knowing how we got here but knowing we are blessed. This is not where I thought I would be but I am so glad I'm not in charge. God has overly blessed my life in ways I could not have imagined for myself. I hope this year I will be blogging a bit more. But for now I leave you with these thoughts: If I had been in control of my life I would not have taken the loved ones I lost. But if I had been in charge I would not have been given new ones to love. I will always love the lost loved one but I am blessed to have new loved ones to keep me close at all times, even the times when I love the lost loved ones. It may be hard and confusing, but it's all I have.

I'm so not ready for this...

My blended family brought me something of which I was totally not ready...DATING! OK, in my head, I'm the mom of an 11 year old and a 9 year old daughter, neither of whom are ready to date. However, my blended family brought me a teenage step-son which by the way has started dating. I want to respond to this by screaming!

First, we had homecoming come up. We actually talked about asking the girl. You know, how to and how not to ask. For instance, I told him to make sure he asked in person (not a dumb note or FB message), look her in the eyes and make sure he was letting her know what he wanted. So in other words, don't ask if she was going to the dance, ask if she wanted to go to the dance as his date. Well, apparently my advise was horrible because he now had a date. Yes, I said that right...horrible. Now I have a dating kid!

Next it was off to the store to get homecoming clothes. Thank goodness I have a boy because in 45 minutes we had the outfit: one store, tried on one pair of pants and one shirt, socks and a t-shirt and we were checking out! All I could think is in a few years I'll have three girls in the dressing rooms with 10 dresses each, all whining because none of them are just right...10 stores later and I'll be yelling, "If you don't pick something today, you're out of luck!" Which of course will be a lie from a frustrated mom because I'll keep looking till they are happy. My future is flashing before me...I shutter and think, I'm not "supposed" to be doing this yet! Of course my step-son is overjoyed that I took him because there is no way he and dad would have done this so quickly. Oh and on a side note, the disadvantage to having the boy...we have no pictures.

Now since the dance, he and his girlfriend spent time at her house on Sunday. Today they were here for a while then went back to her house. She lives walking distance from our house which is nice for them and sort of nice for us and a nightmare all at the same time. It's nice because I'm not driving all over creation so my not-driving kid can have a girlfriend. It's a nightmare because they are easily able to spend time together...which makes me want to scream again because I am SO NOT READY FOR THIS!

So I call my husband to tell him about this afternoon and he asks how that went. I say fine and he says "She's a nice girl." My response to that is, "I was a nice girl." And of course that's all I need to say. In case you didn't know, I was a single teen mom...enough said! He says that I need to let him have a little freedom. He tells me he's not a little boy. I say "Um-hum" (in a little high pitched grunt). He can tell I'm freaking out, but I'm letting go a little. This may not be a kid that came from my womb, but that doesn't stop me from worrying.

I believe my kid will make wise choices. We have had very open dialog from everything from relationship and sex to drugs and alcohol. I believe he will chose somethings I don't like and surprise me by making good choices other times. I believe he wants to be an honorable man and knows how to treat a girl. I believe I cannot and will not protect him from everything. I also see that we are setting some presidents in our home so we have to figure out what our rules are. I know that I will be different with the girls than I am with the boys. But everything in my head is screaming..."I'm so not ready for this!" In the end though, I don't think anyone but me cares that I'm not ready...so we dive into parenting dating kids....uggg I wanna scream!

Her name is Lola...

So there are a couple things I almost always hear when I say I have a blended family: "Oh the Brady Bunch" or "Yours, mine and ours!" Well first off, if I am the Brady bunch, then I want my Alice! Then when I say, well we only have three girls and two boys, then the response I usually get is, "You're young, plenty of time for a boy." My response to that is always, "Nope we're done!" Of course many are shocked by this a prod and little further with, "Don't you want yours, mine and ours?" I then reply with, "We have an ours, her name is Lola!" By the way, if you didn't know, Lola is our dog.

Lola crashed after a long hike while camping.

I get so many questions from people when I tell them "ours" is a dog. They say things like: "You're such a cute couple, don't you want to have one together?" or "You really don't want to have any more, you're so young?" The answer to both those question is simple: we can't and we don't want any more (oh and I'm not that young).

Yes, it is totally possible to have five kids and not want any more. It is also quite possible that when the two youngest kids are currently in fourth grade, I very well may NOT want to start all over. Also, it is very possible that when we started dating, one of the very first questions we asked each other was, "Do you want more children?" If only one of us had answered "yes" we would not have continued dating.

The thing is I knew I didn't want anymore kids when my youngest was born. My first husband really wanted a son, so it was tabled for discussion for at least five years. Six months after Haley turned five, Garrett got very sick and was hospitalized. More children was not a thought then. When he passed away, I sat down with some friends and made "the list." It's the list people make when they think about the future spouse. There are a couple of things that were "up for discussion" but one thing was set: I didn't want anymore kids! OK, so I ended up with three more kids, but I didn't want any more babies.

Ryan and I often joked about kids when we were dating. We were both people that didn't really want kids. Some how he had three and I had two. We talked about how funny it would be if we blended our families and the two people who wanted no kids ended up with five. We both knew that we had NO desire for a baby. It was wonderful.

Then shortly after we got engaged, we found out that I was going to have a hysterectomy. Granted is was considered elective, but the reality was there was nothing more the doctors could do for me. Pre-surgery, the doctor asked if we were really sure we were done having kids, because we were still in child bearing years. Emphatically we exclaimed "YES" and that we would be married later that year, combining our family with a totally of five kids. That was that and I was off to have my surgery. We later found that it was very necessary though there was no diagnostic way of knowing that in advance.

After my surgery I did grieve for quite some time. We were not even married yet and it was certain we would never have kids together. Though neither of us wanted more, I didn't like the idea of not being able to change my mind. Ryan sat with me as I cried at thinking that his ex-wife shared the joy of child birth with him and I never would. I cried to think that I would never know how cute our kids would be. I cried to think that before I turned thirty, I would loose being able to have children and wasn't that what made women...well women!

Time, friends and Ryan slowly helped me deal with this grief. I soon found that I loved living without pain that I had pre-surgery. I loved the freedom from mood swings and bloating. I loved all the varieties of freedoms I found post surgery. I soon learned being able to have kids did not define me as a woman.

But back to the issue of "ours." After we got married, we discovered how hard it was to blend our families. We have three different homes with some kids here on some days and not others and then other kids here all the time. We had to deal with the grief that came with the reality to all the kids that their homes would never be how they were.

So one family night after watching "Marley and me," Ryan and I sat in front of the computer and looked at dog rescues. We looked for that perfect addition to our home. Her name was Lola. She entered out home just a couple months after we got married. Some how our little gray girl united our family even more. She was something new to all of us. There were no expectation on her from how things "used to be." She came to our home and wiggled her way into our hearts and belonged to all of us at the same time.

Curled up on the futon with her "baby."

Our "love child"

To Ryan and I, she is affectionately called our "love child." She is the favorite sister to all the kids. We often come home, let her out of her "house" and sit on the floor as she runs around in circles giving us all kisses. She's probably not the "best" behaved dog, but we are all blinded by love. At Christmas, she got more gifts than any of the other kids. Any gift that was for the whole family was labeled "Lola" under the tree.

Always at my feet ;)

When you blend a family, though it was exciting for all of us, grief comes along as well. There is grief in the loss of "what was." Some kids had grief in the reality that mom and dad would never be together again and for others was another reminder that dad was really "gone." There were kids that had to share rooms and kids with different schedules. There was and still is a vast difference in likes and dislikes from games and TV to food and bed time rituals.

We stumbled through and found our way. We don't have it perfect, never will and that's not our goal. One thing we all share is our love for Lola. She brightens a "bad" day. Her antics make us smile. She is more than will to finish that last bite of food that some kids swears he or she cannot finish. She always licks ice cream bowls and loves to chase balls (even the one's of which you don't want her.) She loves to wake up kids by jumping on their bed and kissing them. We may not want babies and cannot have them, but we have a Lola!

Lola playing catch with Daddy...but she doesn't want to give the ball.

She really does not want to give it back!

Lola is "helping" play bocce ball, even though her help is not wanted.