I never quite know what grieving will bring. Some years I cry a lot. Some years I have trouble leaving my house. Some years I feel sick and some times I actually get sick. Some years things just feel slow.
This year I was tired. Very tired.
In some ways I wish it was "a lot of crying" kind of year. When I cry and cry I expect to be emotionally exhausted and then somehow being tired makes sense. Sleeping all day seems to be in order and not wanting to leave my house is okay because I've been crying all day.
This year I was just tired. Of course my grieving doesn't seem to care that I have a lot to get done. It doesn't seem to notice that my tree was still up two weeks into the New Year. It doesn't seem understand there are science projects to work with children and homework to be checked and dinner to be made. It doesn't even bother to wait for a better moment.
Grief comes. It is always present on the anniversaries and through most holidays.
I have been keeping up with my goals this year but it seems like they are running me right now. I know it is a season and so I keep moving forward. I know this will pass and the words will come again. I know that once they do they will come with ease. I know that when I write, I feel free again. I know that I feel all of it like it was yesterday though it was a lot of yesterdays ago. I know I will "catch up" with life and right now I'm just tired.
My "to do" list is always long. It gets a little longer this time of year when I force too many things till tomorrow being I am tired. I'll catch my breath and I'm not worried. I'm just expressing my thoughts and somehow that keeps me looking up, seeing the sunshine, finding the silver lining and living today though I am tired by the yesterdays that brought so much grief.
Today...I am still tired and there is a growing pile of things with which I will need to deal. Today...I will do what I need to do. Today...I will focus on the fact that I'm a little "out of focus" and I'm okay with that. I love seeing me in the soften edges of being "out of focus." I do not worry or fret.
Tomorrow I will see what I need to do and see what I can find the energy to do. Today...this is the end of my list. I wrote my thoughts. I see my feelings. I am moving. That's all.
I think I'm going to take a few more moments for me and make a little something for one of my kiddos with this:
No comments:
Post a Comment