Off the hook

I think I may be my hardest critic. If you asked me what I got done in a day, I may list all the things that didn't get done or discount what did get done. I go in spurts trying to accomplish all that needs to be done, but at the end of the day there is always more that needs to be done. Somehow I get discouraged and then I don't get anything done. I cycle through this over and over.

I make ridiculously long to do list and I'm surprised when they don't finished. I set the bar high and then when I don't come close to clearing it, I come crashing to the ground. If I want to find my worst enemy, I just need to look in the mirror. I just can't seem to let myself "off the hook".

This year I made lots of goals, measurable goals and then started a blog to track my progress. I did the math on several of the realized about every two weeks I would need to be progressing to the next item to finish by the end of the year. I started to stress when I realized it is the last day in January and there are some things I haven't begun yet. I started to realize I am not going to get everything done on my list. I am not just going to give up now. It is only the first month of the year.

So then, I took a breath and realized I never let myself off the hook. I haven't look at what I have accomplished this year and been proud of it. It is time for a change in my point of view. If my goals do not all get accomplished by December 31, 2012, then I will just keep going until I do finish.

This year I started the goals. I am proud of that. I may not finish in 366 days, but I will finish.

You can follow my blog Out of Focus for now...

Here's what I have accomplished this year.

Clean (and I mean deep clean, purge & organize) 30 different areas of my home (as small as a draw & as big as a room)

• Day 1: Cleaning ~ My Pantry
• Day 2: Cleaning ~ My Hutch

Crock pot cook for 30 days (this I would like to do 30 days in a row)

• Day 1: Crock Pot ~ Creamy Chicken over Pasta
• Day 2: Crock Pot ~ Italian Roast
• Day 3: Crock Pot ~ Meatloaf
• Day 4: Crock Pot ~ Cream of Broccoli Soup
• Day 5: Crock Pot ~ Chili
• Day 6: Crock Pot ~ "Stir Fry"
• Day 7: Crock Pot ~ Butternut Squash Soup

Cook 30 new & different recipes

• Day 1: New Recipe Crock Pot ~ Creamy Chicken over Pasta
• Day 2: New Recipe Crock Pot ~ Butternut Squash Soup

Try 30 new spices in my cooking (some may be in my cabinet that I've never used...toss the ones we don't like)

• Day 1: Crock Pot ~ Chili Link to purchase spice: Tastefully Simple Wahoo Chili Spice (only available till 03.12.2012)

Read 30 new books (obviously this will take more than 30 days)

• Book 1: Reading ~ Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins
• Book 2: Reading ~ Catching Fire

I have the blues...the turquoise blues

I LOVE TURQUOISE. Okay now with that said, I don't like it in carpet or Southwestern style anything. I like it mixed with my love for old world things.

One word ladies: Pinterest

Oh my, was there something else out there that could suck more time and energy out of life than Facebook? Answer: Pinterest. It is truly an addiction. That's why I would like to say I got my fix in early. When I joined, I had 3 friends using it. Now I think most of my female Facebook friends are on there (guessing by the number of posts I see on FB they are also getting time-sucked).

Through all the searching for the most inspiring room make-overs out there as Hubby and I embarked in room make-over last year, I found another site that I could spend all day drooling over. House of Turquoise. Oh...I...ummm...just...wow! (wiping up the drool)

How can one woman love one color so much? Well I blame a purse. No really. I decided one day I needed to upgrade from my cute little baby purse (it only took 20 years to get there-I don't count my 1st 10 years being I didn't carry a purse much). I had black or brown purses always and they were tiny!

Then one day I found a turquoise purse with a matching wallet and it was all over! I moved into the world of "big girl" purses and purses with color. Next thing I knew my phone cover was turquoise and my Mac had a turquoise cover. Then I went rogue and my purse went red. It was all over from there.

I was no longer the browns, beige, greens and tans girl. My purse wasn't black and my decor seemed blah in brown. I discovered color and I liked it. Now those who know and love me know that I also have a weird obsession with all things green (lime green specifically) and the louder the better. But I never imagined putting lime green in my home or decorating with it. Turquoise on the other hand, I think I dream in turquoise.

So as I get sucked into the edgeless, distant, scary paths of the internet on a search for all the things that inspire me as we make-over the bedroom, I find myself looking at Turquoise and Red. Ahhh, my dreams are full of color. Now if I could actually find this stuff in real life (not just on Pinterest) that would be nice. The blue that's "in" right now is way too muted for me now...remember I discovered color. Stupid purse. That's what I get for buying a big girl purse.

Never gonna have this room but a girl can dream...

See Turquoise & Red really work together

Someday I will actually have pictures of my finished master bedroom to put up. Until then I'll drool over everyone else's pics on Pinterest. BTW...let me know if you want an invite to Pinterest and I'll send you one. Its be invite only.

Now if I could just buy colorful clothing...and here's the key: AND wear it. Oh well, I guess all my black, gray and white will look nice with that pop of color I find in my next purse! I wonder what color I will love next?

Walking...

Last Saturday, our family had the pleasure of going to the first cul de sac get together. This street hasn't done one in probably ten years. Our neighbors hosted it and it was fun to meet several other families on the street. We finally met the parents of a little girl with whom my girls have been playing for years and both families joked that we were glad there were actually parents (I was starting to wonder).

Then after the party, I got a chance to chat with the host a bit and she asked if I wanted to join her walking at 5:30 in the morning during the week. She has about an hour before she has to get ready for work and get her daughter off to school. Anyone who knows me, knows I am a morning person and without blinking I said, "I'd love to." We exchanged numbers and then I got home, thought about it for a minute and realized waking up at 5:30 every morning is one thing, but go outside in the cold and walking...what was I thinking. However, I got up Monday morning and texted her see if we were still on to walk and she replied that she was getting dressed. That was it. I was going to be walking outside in my neighborhood at 5:30 in the morning when it is only 17˚ outside. I have completely lost my mind.

Then I thought back to my goals for 2012. I want to walk/jog/run 30 miles every 30 days. This would definitely keep me on track. I would actually get over 50 miles every 30 days without even getting to the gym...AND walking outside is so much better than just jogging on a treadmill. So many more muscles are engaged while walking outside.

So there you have it...I've been getting up at 5:30 every morning for a week now and walking just over 2 1/2 miles. I hope to keep this walking buddy as I get healthier this year. I have been using a fun app called RunKeeper to track my miles and calories. It has been fun to see the numbers add up. So far this is what I've accomplished this year. I might not hit 30 miles in January but I'm off to a great start!

6

Total Activities

17.8

Total mi

1,458

Total Calories

The Big C...update

It's been more than a year since I blogged about my dad being a cancer patient. I would have to say that I am excited to say that things haven't changed much since then. He has not had to progress to the next level of treatment. He hasn't lost a lot of ground.

I know every day that my dad is living with cancer. I know that this type of cancer general does not take a man's life. I know that he will most likely live a long life. I also know that his body is not well. I have seen the fatigue from time to time. I see that his trips to Denver to see the doctor wear on him.

My dad is amazing. He doesn't live like a cancer patient. He has told some funny jokes along the way...some not so funny. He seems to have had some nice chats with the other patients at the clinic. He lives positively and joyful. He walks with grace and loves God. He loves his wife and his family and now...a new dog.

Yep, dad got a dog. I think it will do wonders for him. Dad has had a wonderful golden retriever, Cody for many years but Cody has never been the hunting buddy my dad has desired. Cody is a wonderful "house mutt" as dad would call him (even though he's a pure bred). Cody is also gun shy, so enter Gabe.

Gabe, a French Brittany Spaniel

Megan holding him while he slept

My dad & his dog.

Gabe is still a baby and into everything. I hope he is the dog of which my dad has dreamed. I hope Gabe likes to go hunting and be my dad's buddy. The old saying that dogs are a man's best friend is certainly true and it is just what my dad needs.

At the end of the day, my dad still has cancer...but he has a loving wife, a gorgeous home, a fabulous daughter (that's me by the way) and a wonderful family. Now he has not one best friend, Cody (not me this time) but two, Gabe. If that doesn't help keep your spirits up, I'm not sure what could.

Homemade Laundry Soap

Homemade Liquid Laundry Soap

Front or top load machines & HE washer safe

4  Cups - hot tap water

1  Natural soap bar (unscented) (I use Lotion Bar Cafe's Naked Bar. She doesn't have it listed on her site but you can send her a message for naked soap. It's only $5 & supports local business). Most recipes call for Fels-Naptha soap bar. I personally like Lotion Bar Cafe's better.

1 Cup - Arm & Hammer Super Washing Soda* (Usually found in the laundry soap aisle)

½ Cup Borax (Also found in the laundry soap aisle)

- Grate bar of soap and add to saucepan with water. (I use my food processor to get it done quickly.) Stir continually over medium-low heat until soap dissolves and is melted.

-Fill a 5 gallon bucket half full of hot tap water (I use filtered water to prevent smells). Add melted soap, washing soda and Borax. Stir well until all powder is dissolved. Fill bucket to top with more hot water. Stir, cover and let sit overnight to thicken.

-Stir and fill a used, clean, laundry soap dispenser half full with soap and then fill rest of way with water. Shake before each use. (will gel) I use empty gallon jugs (milk jugs work great). I make sure to mark the bottles with a red X on the tops & label the sides so they aren't ever mixed up as food containers.

-Optional: You can add 10-15 drops of essential oil per 2 gallons. Add once soap has cooled. Ideas: lavender, rosemary, tea tree oil.

-Yield: Liquid soap recipe makes 10 gallons. 10 gallons lasts our large family about 9-10 months. It costs around $15 to get started (purchasing all the materials). Then the next batch is around )$0.25 a gallon. It's around a $15/month savings for us or $175 a year!

-Top Load Machine- 5/8 Cup per load (Approx. 180 loads) I bought a plastic measuring cup specifically for the wash and marked 5/8 cup on the side with a marker.

-Front Load Machines- ¼ Cup per load (Approx. 640 loads)

-For odor removal, I add 1 cup of white vinegar to every load. 2 gallons of white vinegar are less then $4 at Sam's Club. I found this very necessary being we do not use scent in our detergent because of skin allergies.

*Arm & Hammer "Super Washing Soda" - in some stores or may be purchased online here (at Meijer.com). Baking Soda will not work, nor will Arm & Hammer Detergent - It must be sodium carbonate!!

I borrowed this recipe from the Dugger Family (19 kids & counting) & added my own little touches.

What IS my job?

So I'm sure you have all received one of those forwarded emails we all love that have the job description of a mom. The email says taxi driver and personal chef and maid and personal shopper and on and on and on. If you ever catch daytime TV talk show, there is always some expert that says it would take a six figure income to replace a mom if you had to pay someone to do all the things a mom does...not that you could actually pay someone to do everything I do.

Already 2012 has been busy with all the mom things. I have had to help with a science project to include shopping for the supplies. I have had to check homework. I have had to set up a new lap top so kids could do homework (which took way longer than I thought it would). I have to run kids to and from school and to and from school, three different school, different start times and different parts of town. I have had to run to school to drop off lunch money. I have to take kids to appointments, plus make those appointments. I have helped with school activities and functions and dropped off donations and volunteered. I have shown up to hear presentations and stopped by the library for the book fair. I have done hair and found costume pieces for Renaissance day and ran downstairs to see a fort of blankets.

Curling hair for Renaissance Day

Prepping material for Science Fair project

Fort in my basement...I don't want to know how they got it to stick!

I love being a mom. I love serving my kids. I love making food that excites them. I love showing up at school to volunteer and get the reward of a huge hug just for being there. I love taking kids to school and playing the punch bug game, trying to guess the radio morning show's brain buster, and listening to kid conversations. I love stopping by the school and talking to the staff. I love being a mom.

Right now I find myself as a cook, taxi, homework checker, check writer, technology support and shopper. Mom just doesn't seem like a "big" enough title. I am investing so much into my kids and some days, that investment just doesn't pay a good return. I have blogged a lot about being "out of focus" and really coming to grips with that and being okay with it. I have been learning to be "good" with just being a mom right now and when I look at all the jobs I do as a mom, I am quite sure being a mom is more than enough.

I'm not a fan...

My bedroom makeover has been taking too, too long. We started it this summer and we have still yet to finish it. There are a few things that have made it difficult. The main one is hubby working 6 day weeks and then scheduling every minute he isn't working.

 Walls in process

Dark accent wall

Beautiful Venetian Plaster! 

We are down to just the finishing touches. Then we need to find furniture to fit the room and all the soft lines. That is where I am running into trouble. I know what I want but I just can't find it anywhere. I am not a fan.

I have looked at this site and that and this store and the next...still no luck. The "in" colors and themes are just "off" from what I want. I can find those colors for kitchen stuff and even bathrooms but not bedroom. I don't want to be picky but I want to love my bedroom. It is really the first time that I have redecorated a room from floor to ceiling. The first time I have redone my bedroom. The first time I have really decorated. I have lived in apartments most of my adult life or was too broke to do any decorating. Most of things I have for my home have been given to me or hand-me-downs.

For the first time I get to decorate with my style. It took me 2 years to figure out what that was. I finally have a vision of what I want. I hope the vision in my head is as great as I think it will be if I can ever find the things I want.

busy and bored?

Yep that's right. I've been busy. Really, really busy and yet I can't seem to get the "normal" things done.

My house is finally starting to look normal after Christmas. We just got the tree down on Monday. Finally got all the pine needles vacuumed yesterday (yes it took me 4 days). My furniture is finally back where it usually is. You would think that this would be a great excuse for why others things are not getting done, but I don't think that's why.

Somehow nothing is getting done. Kitchen needs some love. Fridge had a spill days ago...something purple. Never found the source and can still see remnants of the spill. Bathrooms, one word: ewwww (okay maybe that's not a word). Laundry, umm, does that mountain ever get conquered for more than a fleeting moment?

I have used the phrase "running around like a chicken with my head cut off" a dozen times this week. I actually asked one of my kids if she knew what that meant (she did). Life is just crazy and I don't know why.

The weird thing is I'm bored. I'm not getting it all done (not that I really want to anyway-looks like it is all a lot of work). Oh and I'm bored. I don't really want to go do anything either. I've read some new books and knitted a bit. I've cooked a few new recipes. I've listened to some new music. I'm just bored.

Life is a little dull right now (dull & busy). When my kids say they're bored, I go into mommy mode and find new and interesting things to engage them. I encourage them to find things to which they can look forward and see the good in each moment. Somehow, I cannot live my own lessons right now. I'm just bored (yep I said it again).

My list of things to which my kids can look forward are all work for me. Trying new and interesting things is a great idea when my jobs of being mom, wife and homemaker don't get in the way. Even simple things like going out with a friend require great planning on my part (aka work). I'm a little tired, a little stressed and a little isolated (as most moms are a different times).

When my family is busy, I don't get to spend as much time with my friends. When I don't spend as much time with my friends I get lonely. When I get lonely, I get bored. When I'm bored, I don't get as much done around my house. When I don't get as much done around my house I have to have bursts of busy trying to get things done which then somehow revolves back to my family being busy.

Oh wait, did I just create my very own revolving door? Yeah, I see that. Whatever...I'm still busy and a little bored. So I'm getting off from blogging and Facebook and on to figure out what that purple stuff was in my fridge. I'll get my act together someday and follow my own advice. Until then, I'll blog about life and somehow that gives me some perspective and today, that's just what I needed. It seems when I put it here, it jumps out at me and screams "Hello, don't you see what you're doing." And now I do.

Through the valley...

...of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for thou art with me.

I think that says it all.

As I walk through the valley, I truly fear nothing.

I am blessed and moving forward.

Back to it. Back on track.

Not to say I even got off track but just stopped, paused, became stationary for just a moment.

It wasn't to smell the roses. I wasn't because of fear or evil.

It just was. I stopped.

Now I'm moving again.

The end.

Okay...so not really the end. Not really a beginning.

There was an intermission and now back to the show.

Back to blogging. Back to goals. Back to getting it all done.

The aftermath

There is a silence that came after the storm.

I never quite know what grieving will bring. Some years I cry a lot. Some years I have trouble leaving my house. Some years I feel sick and some times I actually get sick. Some years things just feel slow.

This year I was tired. Very tired.

In some ways I wish it was "a lot of crying" kind of year. When I cry and cry I expect to be emotionally exhausted and then somehow being tired makes sense. Sleeping all day seems to be in order and not wanting to leave my house is okay because I've been crying all day.

This year I was just tired. Of course my grieving doesn't seem to care that I have a lot to get done. It doesn't seem to notice that my tree was still up two weeks into the New Year. It doesn't seem understand there are science projects to work with children and homework to be checked and dinner to be made. It doesn't even bother to wait for a better moment.

Grief comes. It is always present on the anniversaries and through most holidays.

I have been keeping up with my goals this year but it seems like they are running me right now. I know it is a season and so I keep moving forward. I know this will pass and the words will come again. I know that once they do they will come with ease. I know that when I write, I feel free again. I know that I feel all of it like it was yesterday though it was a lot of yesterdays ago. I know I will "catch up" with life and right now I'm just tired.

My "to do" list is always long. It gets a little longer this time of year when I force too many things till tomorrow being I am tired. I'll catch my breath and I'm not worried. I'm just expressing my thoughts and somehow that keeps me looking up, seeing the sunshine, finding the silver lining and living today though I am tired by the yesterdays that brought so much grief.

Today...I am still tired and there is a growing pile of things with which I will need to deal. Today...I will do what I need to do. Today...I will focus on the fact that I'm a little "out of focus" and I'm okay with that. I love seeing me in the soften edges of being "out of focus." I do not worry or fret.

Tomorrow I will see what I need to do and see what I can find the energy to do. Today...this is the end of my list. I wrote my thoughts. I see my feelings. I am moving. That's all.

I think I'm going to take a few more moments for me and make a little something for one of my kiddos with this:

Numbers

Four years ago...

Four years ago I spent my very last day being Garrett's wife. Our vows stated, "...till death do us part" and then death parted us. In some ways, it feels like yesterday and other ways it seems as though a million things have happened since then.

So here's the numbers:

48 months
1,460 days
35, 040 hours
2,104,400 minutes (or so)
126,144,000 seconds (or so)

When I put out number like that, it certainly wasn't yesterday. In my heart there are days when all of that pain is far away and other days (like today) when it truly feels like yesterday.

Here's daddy with his little girls:

Megan and daddy.

Haley in fine form...but I can't remember why she was fitting.

So tired

Today I am just plain tired. I'm so tired I can barely hold my eyes open. It seems everything I try to do is just way more difficult than it should be and I just want to take a nap...so I did.

I never know how "hard" days are going to be. I don't know if I'm going to want to cry all day or if I'm going to want to keep busy. I don't know if the day will go by and I'll be cranky, grumpy and snapping at everyone, only to remember (not that I truly ever forget) what day it is.

The "hard" days that seem to be left are birthdays and anniversaries but the anniversaries include wedding, dating, and death anniversaries. It seems that January and February are the hardest. I lost three very important people in those months.

Today it has been four years since Garrett passed away. I never forget. Recently it seems as though it is a story I tell people. Years and years of the telling the story it seems memorized and rehearsed. And then...out of no where, I find myself crying in bed. I feel forgotten. I feel like people have forgotten him. I feel like I am forgetting him. I can't remember parts of our life and there is no one to ask. There is a chunk of my life that doesn't exist anymore.

Many memories stay clear in life because talk about them. We reminisce. We repeat the details. We look at pictures and laugh and say, "Remember when..." There is almost a decade of my life that I have not been able to do that. When some distant memory comes up and I try to remember that place we went or that restaurant we loved, I don't have anyone to ask and so the details are forgotten. I think there were things I didn't even try to remember because I knew he would.

Another hard thing about the memories is that we just don't have very many pictures of Garrett. As parents, we spent a lot of time behind the camera and not nearly enough in front of the camera. Now that I have a beautiful camera, I think I take way too many pictures because of that very reason but once again, I'm just behind the camera.

Today I grieve and it's hard. I've seen it coming. It doesn't get easier, it is just different. Loosing Garrett meant I've lost a lot of memories, some family and our friends. There is hardly anyone left in my life that knew us all along the way and could fill in the memories when I say "Remember when..."

As I looked through pictures it seems the few pictures I have are of our wedding. Here's a few:

Us, my parents and my mom's parents.

Us, my parents & my dad's parent. Only 1/2 of the people in this picture are here today.

Us and my parents.

Garrett & my mom.

As I pray...remember 4 years ago

I posted a few days ago about a mother, Anna, who went to the hospital to have her 7th baby. During that time severe complications have led to her fighting for her life in the ICU. She has had at least 21 blood infusions and 5 surgeries. She has had seizures and many blog clots. Her family is surrounding her in prayer and are there around the clock reading her the Bible, praying, rubbing her feet and being there to calm her anxiety.

Her sister-in-law is a fellow blogger who has a blog sharing her family's journey trying to adopt a child from Africa. For the past week, she has blogged about Anna and found her blog going from 50-60 hits a day to seeing over 10,000 people follow her blog as she shared the updates and specific prayer requests. You can follow the blog and learn how to pray for Anna at http://thegregoires.blogspot.com/.

As you prayer, remember Anna's 7 children and her husband. I know the stress that her children are feeling without her and without dad being he is at Anna's side as much as possible.

Anna's Family before her 7th was born.

As I pray, I am remember a time four years ago. I am remember being in the ICU with my husband. I remember my kids needing me, needing daddy and not understanding why this was happening. As I pray, I remember the long nights in the hospital. I remember the first several weeks friends and family were there around the clock. I remember reading scriptures day and night. I remember praying without ceasing. I remember want to have a personal face to face talk with God.

As I pray, my heart breaks for this family because not only do I pray but I understand. I read the blog and prayer requests and I can hear what the doctors are saying to them. I understand what being in the ICU sounds like, smells like and looks like. I know what the nurses are saying. I know that in the beginning, the first moments, the words make no sense and there are questions that seem to make no sense. I know that you don't know what to ask at first and the information seems to come faster than a brain can process. I know that at the end of the day, the day doesn't end...it doesn't end.

Every moment your spouse is in the ICU is a moment your life is on hold. The only thoughts that consume your mind are in the moment. The future doesn't exist but for the fleeting "what ifs" that you pray God will silence. When I prayed, I would feel clear and peaceful. During that time God gave me true understanding of peace that surpasses all understanding. I felt anxiety that reaches high peaks followed by God quieting my spirit.

Each day had different challenges. How can I be here at his side when he is anxious and only wants to connect eyes with me and still be at home giving kids baths and tucking them in bed at night? How can I sleep when each "new" beep in the room could mean something? How many more times can I hear a nurse or doctor's opinion and not let it color my belief in our Savior having the power over all of it? How on earth did I find myself encouraging our friends and family?

As I pray, I remember. For me, those days turned into months and then over a year. For me, there where more than 5 months of ICU days, 2 months of rehab days and 7 months of in and out of the hospital. For me, I lost my husband four years ago tomorrow. For me, my story is a walk in faith and grief hand in hand. For me, I found my voice, my heart, my passion and the ability to be comfortable in my lack of focus.

As I pray, I thank God this family has Facebook and blogs to share Anna's story, to share prayer requests and to share updates. As I pray, I thank God that I have been able to see into this story...even just peeking from the outside. As I pray, I thank God even though these prayers bring my story, my feelings and my grief to the surface again, that all those things give me the power of specific prayer. As I pray, I understand that God gave me my story and He is using me today to pray. I would love to reach out and do...but being this couple years God has been teaching me the lesson of "being still" I have found that I can just pray.

Four years ago, my story changed in ways I could not have begun to imagine. I now walk in the belief that God speaks to me through my grief. I walk with grief but do not let it walk me. I no longer try to get "rid" of grief but I look forward to seeing what God teaches me as I grieve.

Today, I pray for a different story for Anna. I pray for healing and restoration. I pray for protection over her family and friends as they open their hearts and lives to care for her and her family. But mostly today, I pray for Anna's husband. I pray for the strength, clarity and peace. I pray for hope and faith. I pray for protection from the fears and worries the enemy tries to bring. I pray for sleep and rest. I pray for quiet moments and in those for God's voice to be loud and clear.

My story is mine and I walk with it daily. I know I cannot separate myself from it and do not try. I am grieving my losses today. I am praying today...and I am blessed.

The girls & I with the pallbearers after they carried the casket to the car to be taken to the grave site.

Desperate prayer needed for a mom of 7...please join me in prayer

I have been following the progress and praying over this woman Anna who I've never met. She is the aunt of Megan's friend. 

The gist of it is this: Anna went in to have her 7th baby and severe complications have led to her being in the ICU fighting for her life. I cannot begin to retell the story the way her sister-in-law has on her blog. So I am just going to encourage you to check out this blog for more information. thegregoires.blogspot.com

In her blog she states that she went from 50 some hits a day (sharing their family's journey trying to adopt) to 10,000 from around the world praying for Anna. This is the power of praying people. Facebook and Blogs have brought a new meaning to prayer chains.

Anna & her family before the birth of her 7th child.

Please join with me in following Anna's story and praying. Once again, please check out this blog for updates and further information thegregoires.blogspot.com

When I grow up...

I have got to stop tell my kids that I want to have no kids when I grow up. I'm really going to give them a complex. I mean now I'll say something like, "You know what I want?" and my kids will reply, "No kids when you grow up." Some parts of me are totally joking and then...well, I am a little bit looking forward to not have them under my care for the rest of my life.

Here's the thing: I became a mom—a single mom—at 19 years old and then a mom twice over at 21. Ryan was a young dad too. We made our kids are world and they still are. I love being a mom. I love taking care of my kids. I love all the little things and the big things about being a mom and most days the work involved doesn't bother me.

I know my kids have a great education at the school they attend so driving them to school everyday is the part I play  as well as homework, projects and volunteering. I know that my kids building relationships with other peers is an important part of their development and so sleepovers and play dates are part of our lives. I know my kids will grow bigger and stronger when I feed them healthy food so I make most of our meals to insure they have a healthy diet. I know that giving my kids chores will help them be productive in life so I follow them around and make sure they do everything.

The truth is I do look forward to my kids growing up. One of the benefits to being a young mom is that I will be done (as done as you can be) raising my kids when I'm still young enough to enjoy it. I know a lot of people do it the other way around, enjoying their youth then having a family, but I've never really been like a lot of people. I kind of like it this way. I'll still be young enough to play and financially strong enough to do the fun things I want to do.

So when I grow up (or rather my kids do), I want to travel. I want to take vacations that do not revolve around whether or not the hotel has a pool (an indoor pool at that). I want to explore, hike mountains and see the world and not worry about having enough sunscreen, water and snacks (and knowing where the closest bathroom is). I want to go try fancy restaurants that I would never take the kids because who want to pay $10 for mac n cheese just because its gourmet (and the kids wouldn't eat it because they used "weird" cheese anyway). I want to come home at the end of the day, have a glass of wine and laugh and talk with my hubby till we realize we're hungry and then just go out to eat, or shop at the organic market and buy just we want to eat for just that night.

Until then,  I will go to the hotels that are kid friendly. I will explore with a backpack full of snack, water and sunscreen. I'll always know where all the bathrooms are. I will eat out rarely and pick places that are fun for the whole family. I plan dinners in advance and make sure they are healthy and most of the family will like it.

Most of all, I will enjoy this time and savor it. I will remember there will come a day when my holiday is about my kids' families and I will be the extended family. I will have fun dates with my kids and crazy conversations. I will enjoy nights when dinner is the crock pot so we all lay on my bed and watch "Super Nanny" (feeling very grateful the whole time my kids are not terrors). I will stop telling my kids "When I grow up..." (even though I'm mostly joking) and I will enjoy today.

Out with the Kids exploring Bishop's Castle this fall.

Gotta love the kid who has to be in the shot ;)

Six little girls...oh my!

Yes that's right. I'm a gluten for punishment. This past Sunday we had SIX little giggling girls in the house at one time.

Being the mom of three girls very close in age, sleepovers can be a bit tricky. Most of the girls' friends are friends with all my girls. Just having one girl over means I have three girls that want to spend time with one girl. That can be a bit overwhelming for that poor one girl. Instead, I try to plan sleepovers that include several friends. This time we just happened to pick three girls that each paired up with one of my three girls and they all know each other.

It was a blast for them. I even "participated" in some of the festivities that enjoyed. The first part of the evening was friendship bracelets. Yep, we're at the age when girls make bracelets out of string and they have great meaning. They want to know the friend's favorite colors. The talk about colors non-stop and carefully plan a design. Some gave up because it's really a lot harder than it looks. Some took to it naturally and others couldn't seem to talk and make bracelets at the same time.

Then it moved on to fudge. We got each of the kids a different fudge favor when we were in Cripple Creek the week before. They generously share a bit of fudge with a friend. Oddly, the girls once again paired up on fudge choices. Then there was popcorn and a movie.

The girls didn't get off to bed till very late and I heard them talking much after lights out. All in all that makes for a pretty successful sleepover. In the morning they made a fairly long list of activities that they wanted to do including: trampoline, Wii, board games, doing hair, putting on makeup and more friendship bracelets.

It won't be long before these days end or I'm no longer invited to the party. I'll have to cherish this moment and thank God for all my little girls!

I just fell apart

Last night, I just fell apart. I mean everything came unraveled. It all fell out on the floor. You would have though I was 3 years old. All the things that have been bothering me just spilled out all at once and all I have to say is I have an amazing husband.

When he gives me that smile...I know I am loved.

He is patient, kind and loving. He is always on my side. I know that when I'm crying and a mess and nothing makes sense, he'll listen and hold me and tell me we're going to make it...even when I don't believe him. When he walks away, he comes right back. He reminds me we're a team, I'm not alone and that we have the best protector in the world on our side. He tells me he loves me even when I've said things that hurt him. And then...he waits until I can hold him back never letting go as I try to pull away and sob.

I am broken, but mending. I am hurting and tired but renewal and refilling are here.

Last night was the culmination of the realization that I AM NOT IN CONTROL. Wait, I'll say it again (not for you but for me). I am not in control. Deep breath in and out and ouch. Am I really here again? Am I really struggling with this yet again? How many times do I need to learn this lesson? I am so grateful to have a patient Heavenly Father willing to teach me this over and over and also bless me with an amazing husband that stays next to me while I learn this again and again. This is not like riding a bike. I am completely a mess every time and act as if I've never been here before.

In the end, I realized I am grieving, again. It is a life long theme for me. I'm not saying that I alway am grieving but that it is something to which I relate. It is how my Heavenly Father teaches me, talks to me and how I quiet so I can listen best. I don't think everyone learns the same way and so I don't think everyone has the same trials. I, however, grieve well. When I grieve, I listen, slow down and obey. It seems that after every good cry about all the things and people I have lost, the quiet afterwards brings the healing and the lesson.

So today I am a little quieter. I have learned what He wanted me to learn (or at least for this moment). AND most importantly, I have recognized that I am grieving. I will not take this and shove into the back corner. It's out in the open. I have had great loss in 2011, not greater or bigger or worse than other years of loss...just different.

The end of the year comes and goes as only a way to mark the time. A few days ago in 2011 aren't terribly different from today in 2012 but it does mark the time. It is when we reflect. It is when we see if we met our goals. It is when we realize what we have lost and what we gained. It is a time to realize how much happens in a year and then realize a year is such a small portion of life. 2011 is over. It was a year of growth, realization, prosperity and blessings. For all those things I am truly blessed and grateful. It was also a year of change, loss and grieving and weirdly I am truly blessed and grateful for those things as well.

2011 started a new light in my life. I am looking forward to being the "out of focus" gal I am. I like a little bit of everything. I don't know where I'm going (ever). I don't like making decisions and I'm okay with all of that. I started a new blog as an inspiration to me and part of grasping who I am. I have made several 30 day challenges and you can follow that blog at Out of Focus for now

As to the personal stuff...that will remain here. This is where I will be vulnerable and hang it all out there as I always have. This is where I share my family's adventures, joys and blessings. This is where I will continue to share my journey through grieving and my belief that grief is always good as long as you don't get stuck. Thanks to the many family and friends that have encouraged me these past several years as I have found my footing in the blogging world. The many times I wanted to hang it up it was always a blessing to hear from you when you said, "I have read it every time" and "Don't stop writing" and "I hear a little bit of your mom in your writing." You all have been my inspiration. I don't have a focus and I'm okay with that. THANKS SO MUCH! I love you all!

As always...thanks for listening. I look forward to hanging it all out there again this year.

2012...here I come.

So here's my 2012 goals:

This year I want to challenge myself to several 30 day challenges. Now when I say 30 day challenge, I'm not saying that they must be done 30 days in a row but that I will do them till I've done it for 30 days or 30 times. I would like to make some new habits, try some new things and "spice" up life. Some challenges will be done at the same time and others I will focus on doing just one thing.

Oh...and the key part of these challenges will be blogging about them along the way. Look for a new blog starting soon and a new format.

Here are a few of my ideas:
1. Clean (and I mean deep clean, purge & organize) 30 different areas of my home (as small as a draw & as big as a room)
2. Crock pot cook for 30 days (this I would like to do 30 days in a row)
3. Cook 30 new & different recipes
4. Try 30 new spices in my cooking (some may be in my cabinet that I've never used...toss the ones we don't like)
5. Don't eat out or order pizza for 30 days (great one to be combined with 30 days of crock pot cooking)
6. Knit 30 new & different projects
7. Read 30 new books (obviously this will take more than 30 days)
8. Walk/Jog/Run 30 miles every 30 days (so that will keep me going to the gym more regularly)
9. Go 30 places I've never been (explore Colorado a bit)
10. Hike 30 trails

That's all for this challenge. I figure 10 different 30 day challenges will probably take me the entire year. As the year progresses I plan on reevaluating these challenges maybe scraping some that don't work and adding new ones that sound interesting.

As to my other 2012 goals:

Spiritual goals (as they are every year): 1. Grow closer to God 2. Walk with confidence in the Calling God has on my life right now (the right now part is the crucial part for me this year) 3. Invest spiritually into my loved ones (family and friends).

Personal Goals: 1. Blog more 2. Facebook less 3. Grow my knitting business

Relation goals: 1. More date nights with the kids 2. Be more intentional 3. Listen 4. Let go

Physical goals: 1. Get back to my work out routine 2. Eat Healthier & Cook more

Financial goals, though most of these are private I do have these: 1. Stick to our Budget 2. Make a profit at my knitting business