I'm standing at the edge of what come next. I can't see down that far. I'm scared and shaking and feel so alone. I don't have a choice. I have to jump. This is what comes next...
I don't know what "this" is. I don't know how to do "this". "This" keeps coming closer & closer and yet it is still a bit away.
I was a child.
Then I was a mom.
Yeah, I've had a few jobs here and there to help pay the bill. I've volunteered a few places but the thing I've done with my life so far...mother.
I'm proud to be a mom. I love my kiddos more than words can express. I feel a great sense of accomplishment when I look back at the things the kids have learned, experienced and even failed. I did that. I worked hard. I sacrificed a career and an education and I don't regret it one bit. I love my kids. They are my world...
They are my world...
They are my world...
I woke up one morning, recently, and realized I'm 30ish, and my whole world is three teen girls. I joked with my hubby that I suddenly realized my three best friends are 13, 13 & 15 years old. The worst part about it is that I wouldn't have chosen to be my best friends but yet my whole world is them.
If you want to know who likes who...I know. If you want to know who is mad at whom, I know. Did you know about the kid that got suspended...I do. Did you hear about the substitute that was horrible to a class...because I did. I could write the diary of my daughters' school right now. I may not know everything, because, well, I'm still a mom, but I know a lot.
Don't get me wrong, I'm glad my kiddos are friends with me but...
Here's what comes next. They will leave. They will go to college, get careers, travel, have serious relationships, make new friends and maybe even move far away.
That's the edge at which I find myself. I have made my world my kids. I have surrounded my every moment with them. I take them where they need to go. I get them what they need. I even splurge on occasion and take them out for coffee for no reason. We spend a lot of time together. This is how I know what's going on in their lives...this is how I know...time.
I have given them all my time. I have gladly filled the empty time and space with everything they could need to help them grow and set them up for success.
Last week I went to the course information night for all three of them. They are picking high school courses. In the fall, I will have two freshmen and one junior. We are looking at one kiddo who is taking Psychology and Pre-AP Spanish. She wants to be a therapist...well at least today she does. One is taking French and Art and wants to go to college in Japan. The last one is taking Speech and Debate, Latin and Honors everything. She wants to go Ivy League and be a Lawyer.
Wow just wow. I did that. I gave my girls the room to dream. The whole world is open to them right now. They are shooting for the stars. They are dreaming big and no one is telling them they can't. They've got the biggest cheerleaders standing behind them...me & dad.
Proud mama! So proud.
I don't know if I will have a Therapist, and Artist in Japan and a Lawyer for daughters. They may change their minds a thousand times. What I do know is that they think they can do these things. We raised them to dream and see possibilities. We sacrificed to show them the whole world is waiting for them.
We sacrificed...I sacrificed. The sacrifice doesn't hurt but it does make the future scary.
I'm 30ish (get over it I'm not typing my age. I have issues there). By the time I reach 40ish, my girls will be one their own. They will be in college or working or out of the country. I will have spent half my life raising them.
And here's the edge...
Now what?
I'm not really asking. I don't need to hear that it's time for me to start my career. I'm not asking for people to tell me how nice it will be to live life for me. I didn't ask for examples of women who stayed at home with their kids then found happiness is saving orphans or building homes for the poor.
I'm just saying...now what?
This is all I've know as an adult. I made choices that took me from my parent's home to raising babies. I never lived my life. I actually don't feel like I missed out either. I don't want my kids to make the choices I did because they were hard and I struggled and I don't want my kids to struggle. BUT I did it. AND I think I did it well. Sure I made my mistakes but who doesn't?
At the end of the day, I have three healthy teen daughters. We are close (or as close as a mom and teen daughters can be). They love life. They smile. They have dreams. They are smart. They are my pride and joy.
So I'm coming to the end of this part of my life. And I realized I didn't plan for this. Essentially, I am about to retire and I don't have a retirement plan.
You've hear of people becoming very depressed after retiring. It's like they don't know what they have to offer the world if they are not working. I can relate.
It's not just an empty nest...it's all I have.
I know it's not here yet and I have time to figure things out. I know there are a world of possibilities for me as well.
But right now...
Today...
I'm standing in front of the edge shaking in fear.
I have struggled for years to figure out who I was, what I liked and what I didn't like. I spent so much time raising kids, I had no idea I didn't like pizza. Really, I'm actually serious. I had no idea I didn't like pizza. Don't get me wrong, I will eat it. I love easy dinner just as much as the next busy mom. But I actually don't like pizza.
I say that because it was a 10 year journey to figure out I didn't like pizza. I had busied myself with kids, dogs, husband and home. I've been running this marathon for so long I hadn't taken the time to stop and realized I didn't like pizza. Pizza is just a symbol now. It is the symbol of me being mom, wife, friend, daughter, sister and dog owner. It is the symbol of me wearing all the hats to get the jobs done and none of them were the "me hat".
A few years ago when I discovered I didn't like pizza, it was like a light had come on in the dark. I started to figure out what I liked and didn't. I started journeying through discovering new things. I read new books and watch movies I had never seen. I cleaned out clutter and taught myself to knit. I cooked new foods and found a love for my crock pot (God's special gift to busy moms). I visited places I'd never been.
I started the journey of finding me while still wearing all the other hats. I enjoyed the time I spent doing it. I found a few new friends along the way and then I actually even found a pizza I liked...thanks to my brother the amazing pizza chef! Granted, I've actually only had the pizza twice since I discovered it a year ago...but hey, now I can say I like pizza. I just don't like most pizza.
Okay off the pizza bunny trail.
Here's the fear...
I have spent my life on my kids. My hubby works a lot of hours to make sure we have every thing we need. He fights the good fight to provide. He's really good at what he does and I'm proud to say that he does his job well...not just being a mechanic but also taking care of us.
He works hard and has built an amazing career while being a dad (single dad for a time) and an amazing husband. He is a rock. He's dependable. He's stable. He's strong. He provides. He is an amazing model of a Godly man to my girls. The men that marry his daughters will have to stand in his shadow because he is just that amazing.
I remember telling my girls one day that I had the best dad in the whole world. They argued with me to tell me that I was wrong...they had the best dad in the world. So it's not just me tooting my hubby's horn. He is amazing. I still believe my dad is the best dad in the world but to be fair, he's my dad and no one will convince me otherwise. I feel blessed to know my daughters feel the same way about their dad.
But I'm still standing at the edge. I am working hard for the finish line of this one area in life. I don't know what come next.
And that...
That is what scares me.
I still don't know what the future will hold. I don't know if I will finish my degree, get a fabulous career, travel the world or do whatever you do when your kids are grown and gone. I look around at my models and see my parents and my in-laws loving life retired. They travel and go out with friends and find new hobbies. They are amazing, happy, fun people. I love spending time with them and know that if I want that world...it's still possible.
The future can be scary for anyone. The unknown tends to be a scary thing for human kind. I know I'm not truly alone. I'm not the first women to live this life and be scared of the empty nest. I know I have years before it will happen and time to figure things out. I know the world is open and in front of me with thousands or maybe millions of possibilities.
But what I know and what I feel are different today.
I feel alone. I feel scared and I feel like it's all happening too fast. I'm sure it was yesterday that I was drowning in babies with diapers and toys scattered everywhere. I feel like it was just yesterday that I was on the phone with my mom crying because I hadn't talked to an adult other than my husband in days. My vocabulary consisted of "no" and "potty" and I watched Blues Clues everyday.
But it wasn't yesterday. Somehow the time went fast. I woke up and my daughters had grown and look me in the eyes without me crouching to the ground.
And in that time, my mom's old saying came true. Little kids, little problems...big kids, big problems.
I went from taking crayons out of kids mouths to having teen daughters crying in my bed because they are getting bullied or they are overwhelmed by homework or they don't know what to do about a friend that is hurting right now.
I have conversations with my girls about life skills and try to help them navigate hard situations that could ultimately change their future. I'm not teaching them to brush their teeth or get dressed. I'm teaching them skills for jobs and college and relationships.
And then I realize...I haven't talked to my dad in a while. We don't have enough time to catch up. We both seem to busy at times and someday...my girls will be busy and won't have to time to call me.
I have made them my every moment for so long. And not a day goes by right now that we don't talk about the world, religion, friends, politics or what's for dinner. There will be a day...not to far away when I haven't talked to them for a while. They will make big decisions and I won't know till after the fact. They will live their lives.
I just have to find my life and I haven't really prepared for that.
I just want to wake up in the not too far tomorrow and know I did what was right for my kids and let them go but not be standing empty and alone.
I have to find that thing that hubby and I love and live for that. I have to find the world after the kids before they are gone and I'm standing there confused and alone. I have to find the joy in life beyond the kids. I have to look at the future of possibilities and start to make some choices.
In the end, today I'm scared. I know I won't always feel this way. I know I will move forward as I always have. I know I will not get stuck in fear and hide from the unknown. I know I will be the woman that looks back at this someday and laughs... I'll laugh because life will be good and I'll wonder of what I was so afraid. I know these things are true.
I am a fighter. I have worked hard for my kids and I will enjoy the time when they are gone working hard for themselves. I will stand proud as my kids walk into the world of possibilities knowing I did all I could. I know I will always be there for them just as my dad is always here for me. I know I will be there if they need me but that I worked hard and all they may need is for me to just be there. And I will be.
So the next part of the journey is here. I need to find the things I will love to do next...when the nest is empty.
I want to find the things that hubby and I will do for us. We have worked hard in this marathon. We will enjoy working hard for us. But just because I know these things doesn't mean I'm not scared of what that may look like.
It is not my failure or anyone else's to be afraid of the future. If I continue just as I am and make no plans for what will be next...that will be the failure.
So today...I'm going to live life for me. I'm off to Denver for a night with a friend. Just the two of us. No kids, no dogs, no husbands. We will not cut up anyone's meat or watch anything on PBS kids. We will not talk about life lessons or homework.
Tonight we will relax. I will remember who I am. I will get renewed to do it all again tomorrow. I will step forward into the unknown and find the next chapter...because, in my world, I am always moving forward.
