So four years ago, I was married to a different man, I live in a different place, I had a different dog and I had only two kids. Also four years ago, I had many of the same friends, went to the same church, and that's about all that was the same. Four years ago three family members were still here on earth: Garrett, my grandpa and my mom. Four years ago I was a stay at home mom trying to make ends meet with very odd jobs while still trying to home school my girls. Four years ago I thought my life was good but hard. Four years ago, I was about to approach the hardest season of my life and I didn't know it yet.
Four years have gone by so fast. I'm sure I didn't think so at the time, but now I can't seem to figure out where the time went.
November 13, 2006 Garrett was admitted to the hospital. By the following morning, as I was on my way to the hospital to bring him some playing cards to pass the time, I got a message from the Chaplin. I called back but, no one would give me any information. When I arrived at the hospital, I was meeting a different Chaplin in the ICU waiting room. All I could think was just an hour ago Garrett called me and wanted me to bring him something to do. This was supposed to be a couple days stay in the hospital on IV fluids. How did I end up in the ICU waiting room?
As I look back at the event, so many are fuzzy now but there are a few moments that stick out and are etched in my mind. It's what I think photographic or eidetic memory would be like. I remember what I was wearing and what the Chaplin was wearing. I remember the sounds and smells. I remember what I was thinking. I remember the first nurse I met, the room in which Garrett was, what he looked like, the smells and then pulling his wedding ring off his finger. I remember who I called, what I said and then I remember just stopping. I just stood there. He was supposed to just be sick with the flu.
This day was different from the next several months to come. Over the next several months I began to know what questions to ask. I knew the medical terms. I knew the doctors, nurses and techs. I knew the policies and procedures. I knew what medication did what and even dosage. I knew who to call then certain things happened and what to do when other things did not happen.
But that first day, I couldn't figure out the simplest of things. The visitors just kept coming from friends to co-workings, pastors and even just acquaintances. If you visited and are reading this, I remember you coming. I remember every person that first day. I remember what I told people. I remember not being able to eat. I remember just wanting answers and that there were none. I remember wanting to switch places with him.
I started a journal. I wrote down with what doctors we talked. I wrote down the nurses on duty for each shift. I wrote down the visitors, phone calls and emails. I wrote down stats from blood pressure and heart rate to temperate and even test results. I made phone calls and wrote down who I had called. I changed my voice mail to have updates. It was not a Facebook world and blogs were not popular. So I set up text messaging on my phone because I couldn't answer the phone while in his room and I rarely left the room. I lived there around the clock for almost a month.
I have shared very little of that time of my life with others. Those who were close may have been there and seen me, but there was a very small circle that knew where I was inside. In fact, by the one month mark, I decided to join a woman's accountability group. I became bonded to "new" people. I created a support around me. This group help me deal with all areas of life. I didn't focus on the fact that my husband was living in the ICU on life support or that my kids were living with my parents and my apartment was a storage being no one actually lived there. I focused on me, getting emotionally healthier, getting closer to God, building female relationship and being the woman God called me to be. I discovered who I was. It was hard, but I faced the pain of my past and I embraced healing, as painful as it was.
I could have mourned for fourteen months that my life wasn't supposed to be that hard. I could have gone into self-pity that my kids and I were having to go through this. I could have thrown a hissy-fit that my husband was sick and it wasn't fair. I could have sat by his bed every day and cried out "Why, why, why God!" Oh and believe me, there were moments, even days and weeks that I did all those things. But in the broad scope of things, it wasn't the theme of those fourteen months.
This moment was a defining moment. Over the first two years, God changed me, grew me, pruned me, loved me and covered me. Then the next two years He poured out blessings beyond my greatest dreams. I am who I am today because of who God was to me then and what He did in me then. Four years ago, I was bitter, angry, shut down and I didn't know it. I was lonely and alone. I isolated myself from the world and didn't know how to get out. God quieted my world so I could hear Him. And I did! I am not the same person that I was four years ago. I know I am not alone and most days I don't feel lonely. I have a support system that I am proud to say I know would do anything for me to help when I needed it.
I know there are people in my life that feel alone. I know there are people in my life that feel lonely. I have been there and I do understand. I don't want you to feel alone but I know you may feel that way. This blog has opened doors to amazing relationships for me this past five months. I know that fours years ago I was not in a position to reach out and help anyone, I was drowning. But today, I'm here for you. Let me know what I can do, call me, I'm here.
I'm excited to see what I have to say about what God will do the next four years...
