I just fell apart

Last night, I just fell apart. I mean everything came unraveled. It all fell out on the floor. You would have though I was 3 years old. All the things that have been bothering me just spilled out all at once and all I have to say is I have an amazing husband.

When he gives me that smile...I know I am loved.

He is patient, kind and loving. He is always on my side. I know that when I'm crying and a mess and nothing makes sense, he'll listen and hold me and tell me we're going to make it...even when I don't believe him. When he walks away, he comes right back. He reminds me we're a team, I'm not alone and that we have the best protector in the world on our side. He tells me he loves me even when I've said things that hurt him. And then...he waits until I can hold him back never letting go as I try to pull away and sob.

I am broken, but mending. I am hurting and tired but renewal and refilling are here.

Last night was the culmination of the realization that I AM NOT IN CONTROL. Wait, I'll say it again (not for you but for me). I am not in control. Deep breath in and out and ouch. Am I really here again? Am I really struggling with this yet again? How many times do I need to learn this lesson? I am so grateful to have a patient Heavenly Father willing to teach me this over and over and also bless me with an amazing husband that stays next to me while I learn this again and again. This is not like riding a bike. I am completely a mess every time and act as if I've never been here before.

In the end, I realized I am grieving, again. It is a life long theme for me. I'm not saying that I alway am grieving but that it is something to which I relate. It is how my Heavenly Father teaches me, talks to me and how I quiet so I can listen best. I don't think everyone learns the same way and so I don't think everyone has the same trials. I, however, grieve well. When I grieve, I listen, slow down and obey. It seems that after every good cry about all the things and people I have lost, the quiet afterwards brings the healing and the lesson.

So today I am a little quieter. I have learned what He wanted me to learn (or at least for this moment). AND most importantly, I have recognized that I am grieving. I will not take this and shove into the back corner. It's out in the open. I have had great loss in 2011, not greater or bigger or worse than other years of loss...just different.

The end of the year comes and goes as only a way to mark the time. A few days ago in 2011 aren't terribly different from today in 2012 but it does mark the time. It is when we reflect. It is when we see if we met our goals. It is when we realize what we have lost and what we gained. It is a time to realize how much happens in a year and then realize a year is such a small portion of life. 2011 is over. It was a year of growth, realization, prosperity and blessings. For all those things I am truly blessed and grateful. It was also a year of change, loss and grieving and weirdly I am truly blessed and grateful for those things as well.

2011 started a new light in my life. I am looking forward to being the "out of focus" gal I am. I like a little bit of everything. I don't know where I'm going (ever). I don't like making decisions and I'm okay with all of that. I started a new blog as an inspiration to me and part of grasping who I am. I have made several 30 day challenges and you can follow that blog at Out of Focus for now

As to the personal stuff...that will remain here. This is where I will be vulnerable and hang it all out there as I always have. This is where I share my family's adventures, joys and blessings. This is where I will continue to share my journey through grieving and my belief that grief is always good as long as you don't get stuck. Thanks to the many family and friends that have encouraged me these past several years as I have found my footing in the blogging world. The many times I wanted to hang it up it was always a blessing to hear from you when you said, "I have read it every time" and "Don't stop writing" and "I hear a little bit of your mom in your writing." You all have been my inspiration. I don't have a focus and I'm okay with that. THANKS SO MUCH! I love you all!

As always...thanks for listening. I look forward to hanging it all out there again this year.