It's been an interesting year. Many things have happened that I would have never imagined. I'm not sure that I could have expected this year or planned for it and don't know if I've really "recovered" from all the events of the year quite yet.
I looked back to see what my 2011 goals are and there are many that I have completely fallen short of even being able to say I completed them. There are others that I did "better" than years previous and some that I feel proud to say I accomplished my goal.
So as to the 2011 recap, I have several different goals categories: Spiritual, Personal, Relational, Physical & Financial.
I would say my Spiritual goals are always a work in progress. I feel closer to God and have felt His calling on my life strongly this year. I was able to travel to Africa and while I did struggle being there because of family struggles at home. I felt God move in my life while there. Many things became clear in my journey in the very last moments of the trip. I was able to see God in a new way and find a passion that I have always prayed God would instill in me.
Our family journeyed away from Vanguard Church. It was a painful move in that we didn't want to go. We loved our family there and that community is one I can say I learned what community truly was but God was very clear and we obeyed. We found a new church home at Boulder Street church and are looking forward to what doors God may open for us in ministry and leadership as well as growth for this church. Our kids are on fire for God and that excites me as a parent.
This year has been a year of spiritually investing in my friends. It has been a give and take. There are some amazing women (and you know who you are) that have prayed over me, with me and for my family. I have been able to walk with several friends through dark valleys and high mountains. I have cried with almost all of them and feel blessed to pour into them all that God has blessed me and receive all the blessings they pour on me. Thanks ladies! I love you all! Life is beautiful and blessed somewhat because you remind me that it is!
As to my personal goals I can say that I did Blog more, read more and Facebook less. I didn't journal at all nor write letters to my loved ones. I think the Blogging served as journaling and there were many blog posts that never got published being they were very private so in some ways...I guess I did journal. I guess I was partially successful here.
My relational goals are also like my spiritual goals and always a work in progress. We did instill date nights with the kids and so far they have gone really well. We haven't done as many as I would like but I have to remind myself we have 4 kids! I think we each have had a one on one date with each kid. Our kids are enjoying it and looking forward to it. Some of the dates have been a lot of work and others just flowed. It's interesting to see what the kids want to do. I actually sat at a yarn store with one of the kids and looked at pattern books for a couple hours. Afterwards, she said she would love to do that again. It was a moment when I realized that though it was something I enjoyed, she loved just spending time with me and seeing what I liked. She keeps asking when we'll do that again. I feel blessed to have kids that love me and my passions and want to be apart of them because sure feel the same way about them!
As to my physical goals...this year is a bust. For the first time in my life, I have not worked out consistently. My girlfriends and I were talking about this for a bit because it really bothered me. I have always been the friend in my group that got them to go outside and walk or jog or run (okay mostly walk). I have been the one that got up before my family woke up to walk or swim. I like to be active. The only time in my life I wasn't working out was post babies (c-sections & working out don't mix). I'm a bit of a health nut and in fact it was one of the first things one of my friends remember about me. I made a salad for a pot luck and everything in it was organic. I like to be the one that can eat what I like but work out to afford that luxury and I would rather eat raw, organic cheese and rice crackers than any sweets ever. When Ryan and I married, it was one of the things we loved about each other...we loved to be healthy. I changed a lot of the foods in our diet and have stuck to most of it. This year, something happened and I haven't been to the gym in SIX months. I think I've worked through most of the things that I think have been apart of that and hope for a more successful workout year.
As to our financial goals, mostly we keep those private but I will say this year we have done what we said we would. We have stuck to a budget and made future plans. We have been able to do many things we wanted and still have several long term goals in the works.
All of this was really for me. I needed to see in black in white what I've done this year. I'm by no means patting myself on the back but I am saying that 2011 was a year that I did move forward. I'm looking forward to 2012 and hope to put some goals together in the next several days and blog a little about that then. Like I have said before, I don't believe in resolutions but goals. If I'm going to resolve to break bad habits and make new ones, I'm not going to wait till January 1st to do so. I need to take those things on as they arise. I feel I've done that this year. So here's to next year...it's a way to mark the time, reflect and celebrate. I plan on doing all of that today!
As always, thanks for listening.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Monday, December 12, 2011
And then there were none...
I am a widow.
Being remarried does not remove that title. I will always be a widow. My first husband died and forever gave me this title though over time, it seems to have gotten lost.
As I dug out the Christmas ornaments this year, I was reminded of this. Each year, each member of my family gets an ornament from me (I even get myself one). It was hard to see some of these ornaments and remember Christmases past.
I remember meeting with a friend shortly after my first husband died. She too is a widow and was already remarried when we first met. She told me all kinds of things that happened to her that I couldn't even believe would ever happen to me. She told me that one by one, the family and friends seem to disappear. The life before becomes a distant memory.
At first, all our friends and his friends rallied around me. They comforted me and supported me. They didn't let me be alone. They bought gifts for my kids. They celebrated holidays with us. They invited us to all their big events.
Then I started hearing about events through the grapevine and wasn't invited. I found out people had babies and got married but we didn't get announcements let alone invitations. Phone calls weren't always returned and then I called one day and didn't even have the right phone number anymore. One day I noticed I wasn't friends with many of them on FB anymore.
I kept thinking this couldn't be true. These people were my husband's best friends, our friends and family. They were in or at our wedding. They were at our baby shower. They came to our parties and we came to theirs. Where did they go?
All of the sudden I realized that it had happened. One by one they all moved on and did not want to dwell on the past. Though I do not want to dwell either, I can say that it has just been another thing to grieve. Not only have I lost my husband, but too many parts of the life we had.
My kids were so young when they lost their dad and there is hardly anyone in their life to share with them about their dad, about the memories they had of him, about who he was. I only had him for eight years (not even a third of his life). Every child wants to hear about what their parents were like when they were younger.
The sad thing is that my kids have moved on as well. They don't ask about him as much. They don't ask about his friends or what he was like. Honestly, I don't share about him as much either. We have all moved forward...BUT he is still apart of our family. He is still important to us.
I haven't written this because I'm upset with people for moving on. I write this because there was a time when I thought I would never be able to move past this. I thought I would never get over loosing him. I thought it would still hurt when our friends started to drift away. I thought I would always feel lost, always grieve, never feel home again and never love again.
I thank God daily for the life for which He has blessed us. I thank Him for the love He gave me. I do still grieve and holidays are still hard. I miss our friends and family but I love the friends that are still around, are new and all the new, big family.
Being remarried does not remove that title. I will always be a widow. My first husband died and forever gave me this title though over time, it seems to have gotten lost.
As I dug out the Christmas ornaments this year, I was reminded of this. Each year, each member of my family gets an ornament from me (I even get myself one). It was hard to see some of these ornaments and remember Christmases past.
I remember meeting with a friend shortly after my first husband died. She too is a widow and was already remarried when we first met. She told me all kinds of things that happened to her that I couldn't even believe would ever happen to me. She told me that one by one, the family and friends seem to disappear. The life before becomes a distant memory.
At first, all our friends and his friends rallied around me. They comforted me and supported me. They didn't let me be alone. They bought gifts for my kids. They celebrated holidays with us. They invited us to all their big events.
Then I started hearing about events through the grapevine and wasn't invited. I found out people had babies and got married but we didn't get announcements let alone invitations. Phone calls weren't always returned and then I called one day and didn't even have the right phone number anymore. One day I noticed I wasn't friends with many of them on FB anymore.
I kept thinking this couldn't be true. These people were my husband's best friends, our friends and family. They were in or at our wedding. They were at our baby shower. They came to our parties and we came to theirs. Where did they go?
All of the sudden I realized that it had happened. One by one they all moved on and did not want to dwell on the past. Though I do not want to dwell either, I can say that it has just been another thing to grieve. Not only have I lost my husband, but too many parts of the life we had.
My kids were so young when they lost their dad and there is hardly anyone in their life to share with them about their dad, about the memories they had of him, about who he was. I only had him for eight years (not even a third of his life). Every child wants to hear about what their parents were like when they were younger.
The sad thing is that my kids have moved on as well. They don't ask about him as much. They don't ask about his friends or what he was like. Honestly, I don't share about him as much either. We have all moved forward...BUT he is still apart of our family. He is still important to us.
I haven't written this because I'm upset with people for moving on. I write this because there was a time when I thought I would never be able to move past this. I thought I would never get over loosing him. I thought it would still hurt when our friends started to drift away. I thought I would always feel lost, always grieve, never feel home again and never love again.
I thank God daily for the life for which He has blessed us. I thank Him for the love He gave me. I do still grieve and holidays are still hard. I miss our friends and family but I love the friends that are still around, are new and all the new, big family.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
I don't want to be just like you
There are many things that I want for my kids. I want them to be happy, healthy, loved and loving. I want them to experience life and follow God's will for their lives. I want them to be generous and blessed. I want them to be passionate and forgiving. I'm sure everyone reading this is nodding their heads. You may want this for your children or just for yourself. These are values we seek as a human race as well as Christians.
What I don't want for my kids is them to get caught up in the "American Way" of getting the next best thing, keeping up with the Jones and never getting all they WANT. At Christmas, I see this all around us. The TV ads are filled with "selling" my kids on the next greatest and best fad or toy. This gets them talking about what they want and what their friends want. So I shared with them this week about what I want for them.
I want them to want to give back this month. I gave them lots of examples on the way to school one morning and asked them to each come up with something to give. They all had great answers though at that hour, I think it was a bit difficult. However, I was pleasantly surprised that they shared more ideas with me later that evening. I told them I don't want them to be just like everyone else. I want them to not feel like they are driven by wants. They seem excited to give and have started making lists of things that can give. I told them we would help them with some things they may not be able to do on their own but I have found they have already come up with several things they don't need help accomplishing.
So here's some of the things my kids are going to give or have already given:
-popcorn to share with the class
-white elephant gift
-secret Santa gift
-small gifts for their siblings and grandparents (some purchased & some made)
AND then my favorite:
-MONEY to get uniforms for kids in Rwanda so they can go to school!
I'm sure there will be more. I'm seeing their generous hearts. I am blessed to have wonderful kids!
What I don't want for my kids is them to get caught up in the "American Way" of getting the next best thing, keeping up with the Jones and never getting all they WANT. At Christmas, I see this all around us. The TV ads are filled with "selling" my kids on the next greatest and best fad or toy. This gets them talking about what they want and what their friends want. So I shared with them this week about what I want for them.
I want them to want to give back this month. I gave them lots of examples on the way to school one morning and asked them to each come up with something to give. They all had great answers though at that hour, I think it was a bit difficult. However, I was pleasantly surprised that they shared more ideas with me later that evening. I told them I don't want them to be just like everyone else. I want them to not feel like they are driven by wants. They seem excited to give and have started making lists of things that can give. I told them we would help them with some things they may not be able to do on their own but I have found they have already come up with several things they don't need help accomplishing.
So here's some of the things my kids are going to give or have already given:
-popcorn to share with the class
-white elephant gift
-secret Santa gift
-small gifts for their siblings and grandparents (some purchased & some made)
AND then my favorite:
-MONEY to get uniforms for kids in Rwanda so they can go to school!
I'm sure there will be more. I'm seeing their generous hearts. I am blessed to have wonderful kids!
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Giving it all back...it was never mine in the beginning
There are so many things with which God has blessed me or my family. The list is so very long that I could start today and never finish. I feel amazingly blessed to be a child of God.
Through the month of November, many of my friends took to sharing 30 days of thanksgiving on FB. I enjoyed reading the many thanks my friends shared. It reminded me of the little and big things for which I was thankful as well. In the past several months I have not been on social networks as much since my much needed FB fast and therefore I did not commit to sharing things everyday in November. Nonetheless, I have many things for which I am thankful.
In December I am making a different kind of commitment based on my thankfulness. I am giving back everyday till the end of the year. This month reminds me of the ultimate gift: our Savior. He gave so that I could be saved. I want to live that out by giving what He calls me to give. Everyday I will be giving back and hope to share some of that here. Some things our family will give we will keep private and somethings we'll share. This is not about patting myself on the back for giving but to remind myself that I am blessed to give and I do not want to forget to do so.
I hope we have the opportunity to see different types of giving, meaning:
-gifts of things we do not need,
-gifts of things we do not use,
-gifts of things we have in abundance,
-gifts of service we can provide,
but also
-gifts of things that will cause sacrifice &
-gifts of things that we may never get to see the blessings from the gift.
Yesterday I gave away a dog kennel that we have been storing in our garage.
Today: we'll just see what God is calling for us to give.
Through the month of November, many of my friends took to sharing 30 days of thanksgiving on FB. I enjoyed reading the many thanks my friends shared. It reminded me of the little and big things for which I was thankful as well. In the past several months I have not been on social networks as much since my much needed FB fast and therefore I did not commit to sharing things everyday in November. Nonetheless, I have many things for which I am thankful.
In December I am making a different kind of commitment based on my thankfulness. I am giving back everyday till the end of the year. This month reminds me of the ultimate gift: our Savior. He gave so that I could be saved. I want to live that out by giving what He calls me to give. Everyday I will be giving back and hope to share some of that here. Some things our family will give we will keep private and somethings we'll share. This is not about patting myself on the back for giving but to remind myself that I am blessed to give and I do not want to forget to do so.
I hope we have the opportunity to see different types of giving, meaning:
-gifts of things we do not need,
-gifts of things we do not use,
-gifts of things we have in abundance,
-gifts of service we can provide,
but also
-gifts of things that will cause sacrifice &
-gifts of things that we may never get to see the blessings from the gift.
Yesterday I gave away a dog kennel that we have been storing in our garage.
Today: we'll just see what God is calling for us to give.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Kicking it into high gear.
So I'll be doing a craft show to sell some of my knitted things this Saturday at Handmade Hollyday.
Handmade Hollyday
I want to try to see what the response is to my "stuff". If people seem to like it, I'll be launching my store on Etsy.com this weekend. I feel like this just came out of nowhere. I woke up one morning and couldn't wait to knit. I fell asleep with knitting needles in hand.
So here's a few preview pics of some of my "stuff". It'll be called Renee's Ravels & all my items are named things starting with an "R". Hope you like it. If you see something you'd like to get for someone special this holiday season, send me a message and I'll make it happen!
Handmade Hollyday
I want to try to see what the response is to my "stuff". If people seem to like it, I'll be launching my store on Etsy.com this weekend. I feel like this just came out of nowhere. I woke up one morning and couldn't wait to knit. I fell asleep with knitting needles in hand.
So here's a few preview pics of some of my "stuff". It'll be called Renee's Ravels & all my items are named things starting with an "R". Hope you like it. If you see something you'd like to get for someone special this holiday season, send me a message and I'll make it happen!
 |
| Resounding Scarf |
 |
| Rage Scarf |
 |
| Repeat Scarf |
 |
| Relax Hat |
 |
| Rappers Fingerless Mittens |
 |
| Ruffles Scarf |
 |
| Rumples Boot Covers/Leg Warmers |
 |
| Ringing Cowl/Neck Warmer |
 |
| Rogue Scarf/Shawl |
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
There's no place like home.
No, I did not jump in a tornado and find myself on the other side of the rainbow, but I did find my way home. I wasn't lost, just moved. When you move, you have to find "home" again. For us, this home we had to find was a church home.
It was a very long journey. I was very sad to have left Vanguard. When God called us away, there was a silence that came with that. It was really hard to here God say this chapter is over but then not tell us what was going to be next. I found myself searching for any answer and was feeling a bit dazed.
Ryan and I talked and made that list of needs and wants for the new church. We would love it if God called us to a church about this big, that had a great such and such ministry and that was about this far away that had services around this time and blah, blah, blah. I think God laughed a little and said no to all of those things. He said He wanted us to be connect and He wanted us to feel called and He wanted us to hear Him. Oh. Got it. Sorry about that.
So He took us to Boulder Street Church (BSC). It was none of the things on our "list" but we felt Him...felt Him speak to us, felt Him call us, and just felt Him. I was taken over by what I can only call but feeling like I was home. Of course, we didn't want to make that decision right away. We committed to trying it several weeks in a row and still continued to discuss visiting other places, but after our several weeks in a row, we decided we were home. I was overjoyed that after this six month journey we were home...and then I grieved deeply.
When we left Vanguard, we were not broken or hurt. We loved Vanguard. There were days I prayed that God would not call us away. New things are scary and I love Vanguard. I knew God was very direct when He called us away. I knew we were walking into a new chapter of our lives and everything told us we were being called a different direction, but I still believe in Vanguard's mission and I love Vanguard. Making BSC our home meant that I really wasn't going to Vanguard anymore.
One day I just fell apart. I told Ryan that it just wasn't the way it was "supposed" to be. I have a wonderful life and God has blessed me in ways I cannot explain....but. But I missed my friends. But I don't like change. But I was feeling alone. But I wasn't going where I thought I would be going right now. But...but...but.
At the end of the "but" tunnel, I came out of the other side a little sad, a little lonely, very excited and very blessed. I am a little sad that after church when I'm talking to friends, they are all new friends. I am a little lonely when I go to a church function and my best friends are not there. I am very excited to see where God will call me to serve at BSC and I am very blessed to be home.
Thank you Lord for taking our family on this journey, for blessing it and giving us direction and peace. Thank you all who joined with us in prayer as we went on this journey and as always...thanks for listening.
It was a very long journey. I was very sad to have left Vanguard. When God called us away, there was a silence that came with that. It was really hard to here God say this chapter is over but then not tell us what was going to be next. I found myself searching for any answer and was feeling a bit dazed.
Ryan and I talked and made that list of needs and wants for the new church. We would love it if God called us to a church about this big, that had a great such and such ministry and that was about this far away that had services around this time and blah, blah, blah. I think God laughed a little and said no to all of those things. He said He wanted us to be connect and He wanted us to feel called and He wanted us to hear Him. Oh. Got it. Sorry about that.
So He took us to Boulder Street Church (BSC). It was none of the things on our "list" but we felt Him...felt Him speak to us, felt Him call us, and just felt Him. I was taken over by what I can only call but feeling like I was home. Of course, we didn't want to make that decision right away. We committed to trying it several weeks in a row and still continued to discuss visiting other places, but after our several weeks in a row, we decided we were home. I was overjoyed that after this six month journey we were home...and then I grieved deeply.
When we left Vanguard, we were not broken or hurt. We loved Vanguard. There were days I prayed that God would not call us away. New things are scary and I love Vanguard. I knew God was very direct when He called us away. I knew we were walking into a new chapter of our lives and everything told us we were being called a different direction, but I still believe in Vanguard's mission and I love Vanguard. Making BSC our home meant that I really wasn't going to Vanguard anymore.
One day I just fell apart. I told Ryan that it just wasn't the way it was "supposed" to be. I have a wonderful life and God has blessed me in ways I cannot explain....but. But I missed my friends. But I don't like change. But I was feeling alone. But I wasn't going where I thought I would be going right now. But...but...but.
At the end of the "but" tunnel, I came out of the other side a little sad, a little lonely, very excited and very blessed. I am a little sad that after church when I'm talking to friends, they are all new friends. I am a little lonely when I go to a church function and my best friends are not there. I am very excited to see where God will call me to serve at BSC and I am very blessed to be home.
Thank you Lord for taking our family on this journey, for blessing it and giving us direction and peace. Thank you all who joined with us in prayer as we went on this journey and as always...thanks for listening.
Monday, November 28, 2011
You're like a grandma knitting all the time...
Umm, thanks! This is what a friend said to me recently.
I'm sure some of you have noticed the my Facebook has been rather silent and I haven't blogged in quite some time. Here's the good news, it's because I have found a new love...KNITTING! Yep, that's right, I thought I would get my grandma stuff done early. Then maybe when my kids are grown and out of the house I'll go crazy and do the "young" people stuff, like sky diving and going on a roller coaster tour of the US.
Anyway, I blogged several months ago about knitting. I decided to clean out stuff in my basement that was just taking up space and not being used. I had inherited my mom's knitting stuff and had a little of my own from when she tried to teach me. It was only in a couple small boxes in the corner of my basement, but it wasn't being used. I decided to see if I liked knitting and if not, I was going to get rid of the boxes. So along I started...thank goodness for the internet. I watched the same videos over and over and over. I made 1,000 mistakes and the videos showed me how to fix them. I knitting a scarf. It took FOREVER and looked like a drunken sailor knitted it. I thought for sure there was no way I was ever going to make anything at which you would want to look and certainly not want to wear. But my commitment was 3 scarfs (one for each of the girls). By the 3rd scarf I was off and running. I was looking at patterns online, I had mastered a couple of neat "tricks" and I found out I LOVE IT!
So grandma-ing away, I knit all day. I have found some things I really like to knit. It was amazing to me how big of a community is out there of people that like to knit (and were not grandmas, though I love talking to the grandmas too). I certainly do not have my mom's beautiful perfect stitches, but I have found plenty of patterns that hide that nicely.
I have decided to turn it into a business and will be launching my stuff online at Etsy.com soon. As soon as I do, I will post pics and info here. So here I come. I am a knitting monster!
I'm sure some of you have noticed the my Facebook has been rather silent and I haven't blogged in quite some time. Here's the good news, it's because I have found a new love...KNITTING! Yep, that's right, I thought I would get my grandma stuff done early. Then maybe when my kids are grown and out of the house I'll go crazy and do the "young" people stuff, like sky diving and going on a roller coaster tour of the US.
Anyway, I blogged several months ago about knitting. I decided to clean out stuff in my basement that was just taking up space and not being used. I had inherited my mom's knitting stuff and had a little of my own from when she tried to teach me. It was only in a couple small boxes in the corner of my basement, but it wasn't being used. I decided to see if I liked knitting and if not, I was going to get rid of the boxes. So along I started...thank goodness for the internet. I watched the same videos over and over and over. I made 1,000 mistakes and the videos showed me how to fix them. I knitting a scarf. It took FOREVER and looked like a drunken sailor knitted it. I thought for sure there was no way I was ever going to make anything at which you would want to look and certainly not want to wear. But my commitment was 3 scarfs (one for each of the girls). By the 3rd scarf I was off and running. I was looking at patterns online, I had mastered a couple of neat "tricks" and I found out I LOVE IT!
So grandma-ing away, I knit all day. I have found some things I really like to knit. It was amazing to me how big of a community is out there of people that like to knit (and were not grandmas, though I love talking to the grandmas too). I certainly do not have my mom's beautiful perfect stitches, but I have found plenty of patterns that hide that nicely.
I have decided to turn it into a business and will be launching my stuff online at Etsy.com soon. As soon as I do, I will post pics and info here. So here I come. I am a knitting monster!
Thursday, September 29, 2011
In my silence...
There has been a silence for a while now. I have not been on social networks or blogging. I have not been reaching out to those close to me. I have been withdrawing for a little while now. I am seeing this and I am aware. Little by little, I've become quieter and quieter and now almost silent.
I am blogging today to break that silence. I've been hurting and isolating and now, I am breaking the cycle.
Nothing in my life right now really explains the reasons for these actions right now. I am hurting but there is no direct trauma that would explain this. I am just wrestling with my life as it is right now.
Right now, my job is being a mom and a wife. I have been cooking and cleaning and running kids around town. That's it. It's been a long time since I was simply doing just those things. I usually have some PTO committee to run or a project at church. I usually go to school full time or have some part time job to bring in a little extra. The only time I haven't had all those things on my plate, I was grieving the loss of a loved one. I know I am not called to pick up extra things just to be busy but I am struggling with finding purpose in what I am doing. I know I am a good mom and wife. I know this and love it. I am just struggling with these being the only "jobs" I have right now.
Today, all I HAVE to do is take kids to school, pick them up from school, work with them on homework and make my family a meal. My house could use some love but it's not something that HAS to be done. So I only do what I have to do.
Right now I just want to say thank you. My husband is amazing and my friends are top notch. They have heard my struggle in the few words I have spoken. They have called me out on it and asked me what I was going to do to get through this. They have not left me alone and even those who did not know how much I was struggling or that I was struggling, somehow appeared at the right time to just sit with me or talk on the phone. They are walking with me as I figure out what I am going to do next. Thank you. I am blessed to be surrounded by Godly and wise people. I am blessed to have people who care about me.
I know I am not alone in this. I have never felt alone in this. I will be victorious and find the way and as I do, thank you for being there for me.
I am blogging today to break that silence. I've been hurting and isolating and now, I am breaking the cycle.
Nothing in my life right now really explains the reasons for these actions right now. I am hurting but there is no direct trauma that would explain this. I am just wrestling with my life as it is right now.
Right now, my job is being a mom and a wife. I have been cooking and cleaning and running kids around town. That's it. It's been a long time since I was simply doing just those things. I usually have some PTO committee to run or a project at church. I usually go to school full time or have some part time job to bring in a little extra. The only time I haven't had all those things on my plate, I was grieving the loss of a loved one. I know I am not called to pick up extra things just to be busy but I am struggling with finding purpose in what I am doing. I know I am a good mom and wife. I know this and love it. I am just struggling with these being the only "jobs" I have right now.
Today, all I HAVE to do is take kids to school, pick them up from school, work with them on homework and make my family a meal. My house could use some love but it's not something that HAS to be done. So I only do what I have to do.
Right now I just want to say thank you. My husband is amazing and my friends are top notch. They have heard my struggle in the few words I have spoken. They have called me out on it and asked me what I was going to do to get through this. They have not left me alone and even those who did not know how much I was struggling or that I was struggling, somehow appeared at the right time to just sit with me or talk on the phone. They are walking with me as I figure out what I am going to do next. Thank you. I am blessed to be surrounded by Godly and wise people. I am blessed to have people who care about me.
I know I am not alone in this. I have never felt alone in this. I will be victorious and find the way and as I do, thank you for being there for me.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Anniversary weekend on a dime...
Ryan and I have been married 2 years as of Friday. This year, of course, our budget didn't allow a costly celebration. I would have liked to take a trip (even just out of town) over night or for the weekend. The budget, however, did not agree. In fact the budget really didn't want us to do anything that could cost anything.
The thing about a budget is that there are fluid parts of it and hard and fast parts of if. There are bills that have to be paid and there is no wiggle room whatsoever. Then there are things like the food budget and even the gas budget. If I refrain from running around town, I'll save on gas. I try to lump all errands on the same day and make them happen to or from a destination to where I am already going, such as dropping kids off at school. As for the food budget, I can start with what I already have in the cupboards and build from there sometimes choosing canned chicken over fresh or making breakfast for dinner because eggs and pancakes are cheap.
These are all great ideas but when it comes down to it, there is only so much savings I can squeeze out and with dental bills and medical bills, there wasn't much left for a weekend let alone a night away this year. That didn't stop us from celebrating!
For three years now, we have been blessed to celebrate with our friends Beth and Wes. We share an anniversary weekend, ours is the 9th and theirs is the 11th. We even went on our honeymoon with them to Las Vegas so they could renew their vows (it was their 10th anniversary that year). This is something I look forward to every year. Busy lives do not always make it so we can get together as often as we would like. Beth and I talk pretty regularly and our families get together here and there but there isn't a lot of time as couples. I always know we'll have once a year to sit down for dinner as couples and just catch up.
This year we decided to go to HuHot for dinner. None of us had been and we'd heard some great things about it. What was really nice is that if fit the budget. Dinner was nice, conversation was wonderful and we all overate. Then Ryan and I went to Itopit for frozen yogurt (being another couple got us hooked-thanks Sam & Troy). We enjoyed a nice dessert and then we went home. The kids were at his parents for the evening so we just watch movies and had alone time. Ryan had the next day off and so we slept in the following morning.
Later that day we went shopping, just the two of us. I used a gift card to get a little something for me and he had a gift card to get a little something for him. We ending up spending less than $15 for both items! It was nice to spend time together and get something we wanted and not needed because when you're living on a tight budget, wants are the first thing to go.
It was low key and mostly uneventful but as parents of a large family, it was just what we needed. I hope there is a little more in the budget next year to leave our house but truly enjoyed staying home this year. Honestly, I'm not the big celebration kind of girl and it was nice to just sit.
The thing about a budget is that there are fluid parts of it and hard and fast parts of if. There are bills that have to be paid and there is no wiggle room whatsoever. Then there are things like the food budget and even the gas budget. If I refrain from running around town, I'll save on gas. I try to lump all errands on the same day and make them happen to or from a destination to where I am already going, such as dropping kids off at school. As for the food budget, I can start with what I already have in the cupboards and build from there sometimes choosing canned chicken over fresh or making breakfast for dinner because eggs and pancakes are cheap.
These are all great ideas but when it comes down to it, there is only so much savings I can squeeze out and with dental bills and medical bills, there wasn't much left for a weekend let alone a night away this year. That didn't stop us from celebrating!
For three years now, we have been blessed to celebrate with our friends Beth and Wes. We share an anniversary weekend, ours is the 9th and theirs is the 11th. We even went on our honeymoon with them to Las Vegas so they could renew their vows (it was their 10th anniversary that year). This is something I look forward to every year. Busy lives do not always make it so we can get together as often as we would like. Beth and I talk pretty regularly and our families get together here and there but there isn't a lot of time as couples. I always know we'll have once a year to sit down for dinner as couples and just catch up.
This year we decided to go to HuHot for dinner. None of us had been and we'd heard some great things about it. What was really nice is that if fit the budget. Dinner was nice, conversation was wonderful and we all overate. Then Ryan and I went to Itopit for frozen yogurt (being another couple got us hooked-thanks Sam & Troy). We enjoyed a nice dessert and then we went home. The kids were at his parents for the evening so we just watch movies and had alone time. Ryan had the next day off and so we slept in the following morning.
Later that day we went shopping, just the two of us. I used a gift card to get a little something for me and he had a gift card to get a little something for him. We ending up spending less than $15 for both items! It was nice to spend time together and get something we wanted and not needed because when you're living on a tight budget, wants are the first thing to go.
It was low key and mostly uneventful but as parents of a large family, it was just what we needed. I hope there is a little more in the budget next year to leave our house but truly enjoyed staying home this year. Honestly, I'm not the big celebration kind of girl and it was nice to just sit.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
When I walked through the Shadows of Death...You comforted me.
Friday will mark two years of marriage with Ryan. He is the man of my dreams. He is my other half. He is my partner in life. He is my rock. He is the leader of our family. He is my spiritual protection. He is gentle. He is kind. He is patient. He is humble. He is smart. He is brave. He is more than I knew to ask of God and he is the redemption God had planned for me.
However, six years ago, I was a young wife and mother who was about to walk through the darkest days of my life. I did not know what was coming and if I had, I probably would have run. On this side of things I can say in confidence with my 20/20-hindsight-vision that it was worth it. When I was there, I only asked “why” over and over and over again. I never have received an answer.
I remember walking through my first husband’s sickness hurting and weary. I remember feeling like it was never going to end. I remember begging God to heal him. I remember falling asleep at night listening to the beeping of the hospital machines. I remember dedicating my life to taking care of all his needs. I remember praying for a miracle and then I remember when it ended. I remember telling my friends to leave the hospital and I got in my car. I remember getting onto the interstate and then three exits from my parent’s house I screamed. I screamed and cry and yelled “WHY, why, why God. Why wasn’t he the one to receive a miracle? Why is this the plan for me? Why?”
Those days seemed long then. I was very lonely. I cried myself to sleep every night and woke up crying. I cried in the shower. I cried every moment I was alone. When the kids were home, I put on my “face” and carried on with life but then sometimes, I cried with them. I would cry because he was going to miss a sunset or never ski again. I would cry to think that he would miss walking the girls down the aisle (even though that is still very far away). I would call a friend and ask a question and then just cry. A friend would stop by to check on me and I would just cry. Then I would cry about how much I was crying and how I was drowning my friend in my tears. They would reassure me and I would cry some more. I thought I would never stop crying.
One night, I just fell asleep without crying. After a while those nights came more often and soon several in a row. At some point, I noticed the sun was shining and the mountains were beautiful and I did not cry about it. I started to smile. I started to laugh. Every once in a while, I would cry again (and sometimes I still do). I will always miss him. We spent eight years together. He was all I knew. I was so very young when we met.
Today, as I think about being married to Ryan, I see so much more. I see the things that God wanted me to have after that storm. Ryan is not “better” he’s different. I cannot and will not compare them. I can say that Ryan is my redemption. Ryan is the picture of what God was doing in me when I journeyed through the “valley of the shadow of death” and some of His comfort came much later. Ryan is a miracle in my life. Ryan and I have been blessed so much and some of that I attribute to the promises God gave to me in the midst of the storms. I know that the future will still have bumps but I also believe one thing that has stayed with me all these years from a sermon Pastor Kelly gave many years ago. He said that the bigger the storm, the bigger the miracle would be. I held onto that during the storms and now I am walking in the miracles. Thank you Lord for those little things with which you comfort us that carry us through the valleys.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Jack of all trades but master of none.
So, I have baked a few treats but I wouldn’t say I’m know for my baking. In fact, I wouldn’t even say I enjoy baking but if I had to whip up something for this or that, I certainly could. I have a few tried and true family favorites. They tend to be things that are simple and require very little measuring or direction following (since I seem in capable of both).
I can knit, but I am in NO way a knitter. I look at the beautiful pieces my mom made and think that we’re probably not doing the same thing at all. I can knit a scarf and maybe a blanket (very simple one of course, once again with very little direction following). If my life depended on it, I probably could follow a pattern and make something a little more complicated than a scarf.
I can sew but I’m certainly not a seamstress. In fact, I think I have to get out the instructions to my sewing machine every time I need to mend anything. The fact that I have two sewing machines complicated the matter even more. Both of them I received from my mom who used to sew my clothes when I was young. My method of sewing now is taking things to my step-mom or I could probably take it to my mother-in-law. So far, this has worked very well and I’m good at asking for help.
I could play piano, flute and guitar. I have played the saxophone (a couple times) and could probably learn to play my daughter’s clarinet. The only thing I can still play is piano and not very many things nor very well. It didn’t matter how much I practiced or how many years I played, I was never a star, didn’t have that “natural” born talent.
I was an art major for half a second in college but I can’t draw, paint or sculpt anything recognizable. I think I painted a sunflower once that, in my opinion, looked nice enough (I wouldn’t call it fine art or anything). It wouldn’t be shown in a gallery or a studio and in fact, I don’t even have it displayed in my own home. My mother painted some beautiful paintings that hung in our home when I was growing up. They may not have been considered fine art either, but they were definitely worthy of displaying.
As I look at my life, I can say that my very talented mother exposed me to many thing and taught me many things. She taught me to bake (and I hate it). She taught me to knit, and I’m thinking I really don’t care for it either (being I’m not very good). She taught me to sew and (once again) I hate it. She got me piano lessons and flute lessons. She exposed me to a world of music. Though I love music, I never really loved playing though I do on occasion (it can be very therapeutic).
It used to pain me that I couldn’t do things as well as my mom. Here I am a “happy homemaker” and my mother worked full time. I can’t do many of the things my mom taught me that would be helpful as a homemaker. I don’t know that I would consider myself a master of most things in the home economics department.
Here’s the thing, I’m okay with all of that. I’ll probably never bake a masterpiece or knit a sweater, sew a quilt or paint a work of art. I do, however, have a happy home and try a few new things every year. I have my home filled with happy memories and I surround my family with loving, wonderful family and friends. Most of all, I teach my kids about God and His love. I teach them that boundaries are loving and I will love them all my life. I’ll expose them to new things and teach them the little I know about baking, sewing or knitting and what I don’t know about those things, I’ll try to learn from a friend or worst case scenario, I’ll Google it. The one thing I know how to do really well is ask for help!
I can knit, but I am in NO way a knitter. I look at the beautiful pieces my mom made and think that we’re probably not doing the same thing at all. I can knit a scarf and maybe a blanket (very simple one of course, once again with very little direction following). If my life depended on it, I probably could follow a pattern and make something a little more complicated than a scarf.
I can sew but I’m certainly not a seamstress. In fact, I think I have to get out the instructions to my sewing machine every time I need to mend anything. The fact that I have two sewing machines complicated the matter even more. Both of them I received from my mom who used to sew my clothes when I was young. My method of sewing now is taking things to my step-mom or I could probably take it to my mother-in-law. So far, this has worked very well and I’m good at asking for help.
I could play piano, flute and guitar. I have played the saxophone (a couple times) and could probably learn to play my daughter’s clarinet. The only thing I can still play is piano and not very many things nor very well. It didn’t matter how much I practiced or how many years I played, I was never a star, didn’t have that “natural” born talent.
I was an art major for half a second in college but I can’t draw, paint or sculpt anything recognizable. I think I painted a sunflower once that, in my opinion, looked nice enough (I wouldn’t call it fine art or anything). It wouldn’t be shown in a gallery or a studio and in fact, I don’t even have it displayed in my own home. My mother painted some beautiful paintings that hung in our home when I was growing up. They may not have been considered fine art either, but they were definitely worthy of displaying.
As I look at my life, I can say that my very talented mother exposed me to many thing and taught me many things. She taught me to bake (and I hate it). She taught me to knit, and I’m thinking I really don’t care for it either (being I’m not very good). She taught me to sew and (once again) I hate it. She got me piano lessons and flute lessons. She exposed me to a world of music. Though I love music, I never really loved playing though I do on occasion (it can be very therapeutic).
It used to pain me that I couldn’t do things as well as my mom. Here I am a “happy homemaker” and my mother worked full time. I can’t do many of the things my mom taught me that would be helpful as a homemaker. I don’t know that I would consider myself a master of most things in the home economics department.
Here’s the thing, I’m okay with all of that. I’ll probably never bake a masterpiece or knit a sweater, sew a quilt or paint a work of art. I do, however, have a happy home and try a few new things every year. I have my home filled with happy memories and I surround my family with loving, wonderful family and friends. Most of all, I teach my kids about God and His love. I teach them that boundaries are loving and I will love them all my life. I’ll expose them to new things and teach them the little I know about baking, sewing or knitting and what I don’t know about those things, I’ll try to learn from a friend or worst case scenario, I’ll Google it. The one thing I know how to do really well is ask for help!
Friday, September 2, 2011
If you make your FB private...I'll just internet stalk you
It's absolutely amazing what kind of information in online anymore. What's even more amazing is what people put online themselves. These aren't the days of some news article that was archived that mentions your name found online because someone's job was to scan all the old information into a database. Today, you can go to several different websites and find everything: your address, phone number (okay for some of you that may be listed in the phone book) but even your cell phone number and pictures from your FB profile or myspace or google+ or linked. There are wonderful sites that help you store your pictures so in case you (PC not Mac) computer dies, you don't loose your pictures. All these things are wonderful and then there are blogs. We put our pictures, stories and personal info online on a blog.
So just for fun...Google yourself. Ladies, use your married name and your maiden name. Just for fun, Google your kids and your spouse as well. See what you find and if you're like me, use any combination of names you have had or do have. If you are online, you'll find some trace of you online. Spokeo is the most common way to find addresses and phone number and sometimes there are pictures of you as well as a picture of your house. Try entering your info in Spokeo and see what you find.
Now, stop hyperventilating. I know, you saw a Google map image of your house on Spokeo with your car parked in your driveway. You found dozens of pictures that you didn't know where online. You probably found very personal information. It's going to be okay.
Remember, if you're online, you need to protect yourself. Check all your settings on all the sites on which you are a member. Think hard: Facebook, myspace, linked, youtube, twitter, google+, flickr, picasa and then check your email account settings: gmail, hotmail, yahoo. Some of these sites list you on a Goggle search and it's easy to change. Remember to deactivate any account you no longer use (don't just leave it in internet limbo with information connected to it).
But here's the thing. I found several long lost friends this way. My sister found me this way. About every six months or so, I Google myself and my family and see what I find. I go to each site and see if there are settings that I can change to remove the info. It takes a while for the data to be "lost" and not show up in a Google search...so obsessively Googling yourself everyday will not help. Remember, once it's out in cyberspace, it's out there. Check your privacy settings and when FB has that little pop up that says they have changed their privacy settings...don't just hit X, read it!
Oh, and if you're on FB and made your profile private and then didn't add me as friend...I just Googled you. I found pictures of you online and your current address. I found other sites you were on and looked at those pictures too. That's right, I stalked you. Serves you right for not accepting my friend request. Just kidding...sort of.
Oh BTW, when I just did my recent Google search, I found an email I sent through what I thought was a secure, private email list that I put my email, home phone and cell phone. Hmmm, I guess having to "join" the group didn't mean everyone else in the world couldn't look at my email, they just couldn't respond.
So just for fun...Google yourself. Ladies, use your married name and your maiden name. Just for fun, Google your kids and your spouse as well. See what you find and if you're like me, use any combination of names you have had or do have. If you are online, you'll find some trace of you online. Spokeo is the most common way to find addresses and phone number and sometimes there are pictures of you as well as a picture of your house. Try entering your info in Spokeo and see what you find.
Now, stop hyperventilating. I know, you saw a Google map image of your house on Spokeo with your car parked in your driveway. You found dozens of pictures that you didn't know where online. You probably found very personal information. It's going to be okay.
Remember, if you're online, you need to protect yourself. Check all your settings on all the sites on which you are a member. Think hard: Facebook, myspace, linked, youtube, twitter, google+, flickr, picasa and then check your email account settings: gmail, hotmail, yahoo. Some of these sites list you on a Goggle search and it's easy to change. Remember to deactivate any account you no longer use (don't just leave it in internet limbo with information connected to it).
But here's the thing. I found several long lost friends this way. My sister found me this way. About every six months or so, I Google myself and my family and see what I find. I go to each site and see if there are settings that I can change to remove the info. It takes a while for the data to be "lost" and not show up in a Google search...so obsessively Googling yourself everyday will not help. Remember, once it's out in cyberspace, it's out there. Check your privacy settings and when FB has that little pop up that says they have changed their privacy settings...don't just hit X, read it!
Oh, and if you're on FB and made your profile private and then didn't add me as friend...I just Googled you. I found pictures of you online and your current address. I found other sites you were on and looked at those pictures too. That's right, I stalked you. Serves you right for not accepting my friend request. Just kidding...sort of.
Oh BTW, when I just did my recent Google search, I found an email I sent through what I thought was a secure, private email list that I put my email, home phone and cell phone. Hmmm, I guess having to "join" the group didn't mean everyone else in the world couldn't look at my email, they just couldn't respond.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
I don't even know what to say...and so I pray
It seems to me that there comes a time in our life when we realize we will pay the consequence for others' bad choices. "We" being the responsible and honest, the godly and trust worthy, the faithful and true. As I sit and look at my situation, I can honestly say, I have done nothing wrong here.
Now, with that said, there is plenty I have done wrong in my life. If I just look at being a mom, there are times when I have lost my temper, yelled and screamed, told my kids things they didn't need to know, didn't tell my kids things they needed to know, got lazy, was resentful, was bitter, and had a plain old bad day and took it out on my kids. It goes without saying, I've done the same in just about every relationship I have had from being a daughter, sister, and friend to being a wife and even God's daughter.
Healthy relationships are just plain hard. They require responsibility and honesty, accountability and intentionality. I would say that for the most part, having healthy relationships are far too much work for far too many. I have seen and experience way too many unhealthy relationships in my life. I have participated in my fair share and sometimes was part of the the unhealthiness in the relationship, but I would have to say that with growth and maturity, I have broken free from much of the unhealthy parts of my life and have tried to grow (God painfully pruning me along the way).
I have removed many unhealthy relationships from my life in the past several years. It is not to say that I would not engage relationship with these people again, but to say, right now, I don't have the time or energy to work that hard to be healthy around them. I enjoy having well adjusted, fruit-bearing, life-giving, happy, healthy (in mind & spirit) people surrounding me. Now, I know my friends and I are far from perfect, but I would venture to say we're healthy in our relationships and when we're not, I expect I'll be called out on it and be held accountable to find correction and God's will in my life.
BUT...there are still many unhealthy people that surround me. I cannot removed myself from being in contact with every unhealthy person on this earth (though sometimes I wish I could). Some of these people, I am forced to be in contact. It is not pleasant or fun. It creates anxiety and is more than uncomfortable. The thing about these people is they are a virus. They infect others around them and their "diseased" mindsets spread like wildfire. It doesn't take long for them to influence more and more people.
The other thing that is most unpleasant about this is that "we" have to do damage control and clean up the messes. We have to correct the misconceptions. We have to reveal the truths. We have to dispel the lies. We have to be responsible. We have to do whatever needs to be done. We have to care about it all (and we have to drive everywhere to get it done).
Well...."WE" are tired. I know I did nothing wrong and I am not asking for recognition, but I could use a break. I'm not sure the break I would get would be long enough and looking ahead, I know the path is long. I know that I can rely on God and "they" do no not. I know He is my comforter and my strength and with God on my side, who can be against me. I know all these things and rest in them. But, can I be so bold as to ask for one more thing? I need a break and I need rest.
Lord, please give me what I need to continue on this path that seems so long in front of me. Please encourage me when I am picking up the pieces of irresponsibility yet again. Please give me strength to uphold Your will when I am being fought against. Please give me peace knowing it's out of my control. And most of all Lord, please protect us as we walk into yet another battle.
Now, with that said, there is plenty I have done wrong in my life. If I just look at being a mom, there are times when I have lost my temper, yelled and screamed, told my kids things they didn't need to know, didn't tell my kids things they needed to know, got lazy, was resentful, was bitter, and had a plain old bad day and took it out on my kids. It goes without saying, I've done the same in just about every relationship I have had from being a daughter, sister, and friend to being a wife and even God's daughter.
Healthy relationships are just plain hard. They require responsibility and honesty, accountability and intentionality. I would say that for the most part, having healthy relationships are far too much work for far too many. I have seen and experience way too many unhealthy relationships in my life. I have participated in my fair share and sometimes was part of the the unhealthiness in the relationship, but I would have to say that with growth and maturity, I have broken free from much of the unhealthy parts of my life and have tried to grow (God painfully pruning me along the way).
I have removed many unhealthy relationships from my life in the past several years. It is not to say that I would not engage relationship with these people again, but to say, right now, I don't have the time or energy to work that hard to be healthy around them. I enjoy having well adjusted, fruit-bearing, life-giving, happy, healthy (in mind & spirit) people surrounding me. Now, I know my friends and I are far from perfect, but I would venture to say we're healthy in our relationships and when we're not, I expect I'll be called out on it and be held accountable to find correction and God's will in my life.
BUT...there are still many unhealthy people that surround me. I cannot removed myself from being in contact with every unhealthy person on this earth (though sometimes I wish I could). Some of these people, I am forced to be in contact. It is not pleasant or fun. It creates anxiety and is more than uncomfortable. The thing about these people is they are a virus. They infect others around them and their "diseased" mindsets spread like wildfire. It doesn't take long for them to influence more and more people.
The other thing that is most unpleasant about this is that "we" have to do damage control and clean up the messes. We have to correct the misconceptions. We have to reveal the truths. We have to dispel the lies. We have to be responsible. We have to do whatever needs to be done. We have to care about it all (and we have to drive everywhere to get it done).
Well...."WE" are tired. I know I did nothing wrong and I am not asking for recognition, but I could use a break. I'm not sure the break I would get would be long enough and looking ahead, I know the path is long. I know that I can rely on God and "they" do no not. I know He is my comforter and my strength and with God on my side, who can be against me. I know all these things and rest in them. But, can I be so bold as to ask for one more thing? I need a break and I need rest.
Lord, please give me what I need to continue on this path that seems so long in front of me. Please encourage me when I am picking up the pieces of irresponsibility yet again. Please give me strength to uphold Your will when I am being fought against. Please give me peace knowing it's out of my control. And most of all Lord, please protect us as we walk into yet another battle.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
I am not my mother...who would have thought?
I'll be honest with you, it took me a good many years to figure out who I was and many would argue that I still don't really know, but that's okay because I'm not done figuring it out. I will say that I lived the majority of my life thinking I was like my mom. I was told that by friends, family and teachers.
My mom was an amazing women and I love most everything about her. She was a person that put a lot into the big days: Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years, Valentine's Day, 4th of July and even St. Patty's day. She loved holidays...all of them (even the little ones). She thought everything was special and rarely got rid of anything including magazines, mail, school papers (hers from college and us kids), cards and news clippings. She was over-organized to the point of having organized chaos and no one was allowed to touch her piles (dad and I secretly believed she booby trapped them so that if we touch them they would explode all over the floor...which of course kept us from touching them). She seemed to know where everything was. She was very opinionated and I remember many times when she was not afraid to share her opinion. She was extroverted. She thrived being around people. She was different when she was retired and didn't have people around all the time. She loved nick-nacks. She loved her family and she is one of my heroes.
BUT...I am not her nor am I very much like her. I do love the holidays but I love the little things in the everyday life. I love to take pictures of my kids Karate chopping Ramen Noodles or wearing a unique outfit or just because it's Wednesday. Most of the pictures of my childhood are from holidays. I have several dozen pictures of me posed in front of the tree every Christmas but not very many of me candid or playing. In fact, I have pictures my mom took of my kids in front of the tree every year. I think I may have every Christmas and Easter captured posed in a family picture. I may have more pictures of our family standing in front of our fireplace than anywhere else.
There are way more of my mom's pictures in front of the fire place...these are just the ones I have scanned. Here's some of our recent candids.
I don't think many things are "special" like my mom did. I'm not very sentimental about things and have to caution myself because I would throw away everything and I have a couple kids who do care about those things. I often shove them in a box and then put them on a shelve to be forgotten. I hope someday I'll have one of my organized kids (or friends) help me organize my kids' childhood memories so they are not lost and forgotten.
I am not very organized though I try. I organize things and they stay that way only as long as no one uses anything. As soon as the family uses anything, things are not put back correctly and a few weeks or months down the road we'll all spend a day reorganizing that one little place. I don't have many areas that are "do not touch" areas. My house is family friendly (with exception to my room/bathroom). Kids go everywhere, and mess up everything on regular basis.
I am opinionated but then I think we all are. I do not care to share my opinion as often as I may have in my youth. Honestly, I have found that those who share my opinion do not need to hear it from me and those who do not, I will probably not persuade and do not feel I need that. I recently had dinner with friends and my hubby and I share a very different opinion about some significant matters in our lives. The thing I told my hubby at the end of the evening was that I still love them and know they love me though we do not agree and probably never will. I don't feel compelled to make them agree and I see and understand why their opinion is different...their experiences have been different. Honestly, if we never talk about the subject again, that's fine. If we do, I don't feel I need them to agree with me nor do I need to defend my point of view. I believe what I believe and that's all I need to know.
I am an introvert. Okay, I see in my head a lot of you shaking your heads in disbelief saying that cannot be. Here's the things, and introvert doesn't mean I'm shy or don't talk around people. It means I am energized by being alone. Being around a lot of people drains me. I have to prepare myself for large family functions, work get-togethers, church events and even just church. I like my down time and alone time. I really struggle in the summer when my kids are around all the time. I enjoy moments like this one when I'm sitting on my bed blogging with the dog at my feet and the only noise is the sound of my bedroom fan. If I'm throwing a party, I would rather it be huge so people break off into little groups or be very intimate just a couple of friends chatting.
I don't see very much of my mom in me anymore. No matter how many people told me I was like her, I really wasn't. I may have those little quirks we get from our parents but the me inside is almost the opposite of my mom. Realizing that was big for me. It was a hard thing when she passed away because I felt as though I was loosing her and knowing I wasn't like her meant she was just gone. But thing is, she's not gone. She's in my heart and waiting for me in heaven. She is still my hero and I was blessed to have her as a mom.
Oh...and I hate nick-nacks for future reference. To all those who may think I would like a little something for my mantel...you're dead wrong. Remember, I'm not sentimental so I'll just donate it the DAV when you leave.
My mom was an amazing women and I love most everything about her. She was a person that put a lot into the big days: Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years, Valentine's Day, 4th of July and even St. Patty's day. She loved holidays...all of them (even the little ones). She thought everything was special and rarely got rid of anything including magazines, mail, school papers (hers from college and us kids), cards and news clippings. She was over-organized to the point of having organized chaos and no one was allowed to touch her piles (dad and I secretly believed she booby trapped them so that if we touch them they would explode all over the floor...which of course kept us from touching them). She seemed to know where everything was. She was very opinionated and I remember many times when she was not afraid to share her opinion. She was extroverted. She thrived being around people. She was different when she was retired and didn't have people around all the time. She loved nick-nacks. She loved her family and she is one of my heroes.
BUT...I am not her nor am I very much like her. I do love the holidays but I love the little things in the everyday life. I love to take pictures of my kids Karate chopping Ramen Noodles or wearing a unique outfit or just because it's Wednesday. Most of the pictures of my childhood are from holidays. I have several dozen pictures of me posed in front of the tree every Christmas but not very many of me candid or playing. In fact, I have pictures my mom took of my kids in front of the tree every year. I think I may have every Christmas and Easter captured posed in a family picture. I may have more pictures of our family standing in front of our fireplace than anywhere else.
 |
| Christmas 1997 in front of the fire place. |
 |
| Christmas 2004 in front of the fire place. |
 |
| Christmas 2005 in front of the fire place. |
 |
| Christmas 19**...wait not in front of the fireplace (because we didn't have one in this house) |
 |
| Family picture...wait for it...in front of the fire place. |
 |
| Easter 2007 |
 |
| Easter 2008...in front of the fire place |
 |
| Wiping the milk mustache |
 |
| Unique Style |
 |
| Karate chopped ramen |
 |
| Why are you on the floor? |
 |
| Video games are fun |
 |
| Jumping! |
I am not very organized though I try. I organize things and they stay that way only as long as no one uses anything. As soon as the family uses anything, things are not put back correctly and a few weeks or months down the road we'll all spend a day reorganizing that one little place. I don't have many areas that are "do not touch" areas. My house is family friendly (with exception to my room/bathroom). Kids go everywhere, and mess up everything on regular basis.
 |
| Yes I took a picture of my cleaning my pantry and now just a few months later you'd never know I even cleaned it at all! |
 |
| My basement before the 1st overhaul |
 |
| My basement during one of the major overhauls & just last weekend we took 2 large boxes of books off these shelve for my nephew. |
I am an introvert. Okay, I see in my head a lot of you shaking your heads in disbelief saying that cannot be. Here's the things, and introvert doesn't mean I'm shy or don't talk around people. It means I am energized by being alone. Being around a lot of people drains me. I have to prepare myself for large family functions, work get-togethers, church events and even just church. I like my down time and alone time. I really struggle in the summer when my kids are around all the time. I enjoy moments like this one when I'm sitting on my bed blogging with the dog at my feet and the only noise is the sound of my bedroom fan. If I'm throwing a party, I would rather it be huge so people break off into little groups or be very intimate just a couple of friends chatting.
I don't see very much of my mom in me anymore. No matter how many people told me I was like her, I really wasn't. I may have those little quirks we get from our parents but the me inside is almost the opposite of my mom. Realizing that was big for me. It was a hard thing when she passed away because I felt as though I was loosing her and knowing I wasn't like her meant she was just gone. But thing is, she's not gone. She's in my heart and waiting for me in heaven. She is still my hero and I was blessed to have her as a mom.
Oh...and I hate nick-nacks for future reference. To all those who may think I would like a little something for my mantel...you're dead wrong. Remember, I'm not sentimental so I'll just donate it the DAV when you leave.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Celebration of a 2 year old!
I feel so blessed to have my nephew Aiden. He's a beautiful two year old boy. I was blessed to be in the room when his rock star mama gave birth to him naturally. It is truly hard to believe two years have gone by since that early morning call to welcome him into the world.
Yesterday we celebrated his 2nd birthday. It was full of family, friends and some two year old boys. Watching Aiden interact with other two year old made me wonder a few things.
Was there a time when life was so hard to be told not to run off the cliff in the back yard?
Was there a time when a ball on string being thrown ensued high fives?
Was there a time when it was just the best to know you and your friends all have the same cartoon car on your shoes and there was a choo-choo on a shirt?
Could it have ever been that beating an over sized Sponge Bob to get candy was a highlight of the day and then not really know what to do when candy spilled out of him?
Was there a time when a sucker filled an entire mouth?
How difficult must it have been to have to open yet another present from another loved one?
What a wonderful life to have family and friend surround you to celebrate your life.
Life is good when you're two! I can't wait to see what will be wonderful about being three!
Happy birthday buddy. I look forward to celebrating many more birthdays with you!
Yesterday we celebrated his 2nd birthday. It was full of family, friends and some two year old boys. Watching Aiden interact with other two year old made me wonder a few things.
Was there a time when life was so hard to be told not to run off the cliff in the back yard?
Was there a time when a ball on string being thrown ensued high fives?
Was there a time when it was just the best to know you and your friends all have the same cartoon car on your shoes and there was a choo-choo on a shirt?
Could it have ever been that beating an over sized Sponge Bob to get candy was a highlight of the day and then not really know what to do when candy spilled out of him?
Was there a time when a sucker filled an entire mouth?
How difficult must it have been to have to open yet another present from another loved one?
Life is good when you're two! I can't wait to see what will be wonderful about being three!
Happy birthday buddy. I look forward to celebrating many more birthdays with you!
Sunday, August 28, 2011
We can't seem to take a "good" picture.
So last night I was playing around on my computer looking at pictures from recent events. We don't have one single "good" picture of the whole family. To be fair, there are a lot of us! Trying to get seven people to look at a camera and smile is difficult let alone five of them kids though they weren't the only issue. I looked at picture after picture. We don't even have that many "good" pictures of Ryan and I.
Okay, not let me clarify something here. I keep putting "good" in quotations for a good reason. It really depends what your definition of "good" is as to whether or not we actually have "good" pictures. If you wanted a picture that has all seven of us looking at the camera and nicely smiling in a posed picture, we don't have one of those. However, I think we have lots and lots of great pictures.
As I scan through the wedding photos, which there were around 400, I didn't find one single picture that had all seven of us smiling nicely, eyes open, and facing the camera. There are a few with Megan biting (yes I said biting) her bouquet. There are a few of Dean "torturing" Haley (she of course is laughing hysterically). There are several with Cassidy giving the others "the look" (you know the one where she looks mystified at their behavior, almost a mommy look). I have a whole series of Alex squinting or looking the "wrong" direction. Then there are one where Ryan is probably "mouthing off" and I'm looking at him like he has two heads!
The wedding isn't the only time we have had this happen. As I looked through all of my pictures I can point to one or more of us in every picture doing something "off." I have kids posing like super models or Ryan taking a bite out of a pumpkin or kids looking at each other or off in space. There are pictures of kids holding suckers upside down or Ryan making faces or even me looking at Ryan making faces and not at the camera.
I would like to announce right now that I LOVE that we have no "good" pictures...that's right, zero, zip, zilch, nada, and all the other words that mean none. You know what I see when I look at these pictures: a happy family. We are all comfortable just being us even if it's captured for life that we're doing some "dorky" pose. You can tell we're laughing in these pictures and having fun. It's not just one of us off doing something different...through the years there is always a different one of us "ruining" the picture. We all take turns.
I know a lot of people that would hit delete on some of these types of pictures. I mean...who would keep two dozen pictures in a row from our wedding with not one of them having all seven of us looking at the camera. Many of our family favorite pictures we have at least one kid doing something weird (and sometimes a parent) but then that's the Morrison Clan for you. Don't take us seriously...we don't take ourselves seriously. We're a blended, goofy bunch and we're okay with that.
So here's a little look at all our "good" pictures from different events through the year. They are in no particular order. There are many, many more....these are just a few....enjoy ;)
Okay, not let me clarify something here. I keep putting "good" in quotations for a good reason. It really depends what your definition of "good" is as to whether or not we actually have "good" pictures. If you wanted a picture that has all seven of us looking at the camera and nicely smiling in a posed picture, we don't have one of those. However, I think we have lots and lots of great pictures.
As I scan through the wedding photos, which there were around 400, I didn't find one single picture that had all seven of us smiling nicely, eyes open, and facing the camera. There are a few with Megan biting (yes I said biting) her bouquet. There are a few of Dean "torturing" Haley (she of course is laughing hysterically). There are several with Cassidy giving the others "the look" (you know the one where she looks mystified at their behavior, almost a mommy look). I have a whole series of Alex squinting or looking the "wrong" direction. Then there are one where Ryan is probably "mouthing off" and I'm looking at him like he has two heads!
The wedding isn't the only time we have had this happen. As I looked through all of my pictures I can point to one or more of us in every picture doing something "off." I have kids posing like super models or Ryan taking a bite out of a pumpkin or kids looking at each other or off in space. There are pictures of kids holding suckers upside down or Ryan making faces or even me looking at Ryan making faces and not at the camera.
I would like to announce right now that I LOVE that we have no "good" pictures...that's right, zero, zip, zilch, nada, and all the other words that mean none. You know what I see when I look at these pictures: a happy family. We are all comfortable just being us even if it's captured for life that we're doing some "dorky" pose. You can tell we're laughing in these pictures and having fun. It's not just one of us off doing something different...through the years there is always a different one of us "ruining" the picture. We all take turns.
I know a lot of people that would hit delete on some of these types of pictures. I mean...who would keep two dozen pictures in a row from our wedding with not one of them having all seven of us looking at the camera. Many of our family favorite pictures we have at least one kid doing something weird (and sometimes a parent) but then that's the Morrison Clan for you. Don't take us seriously...we don't take ourselves seriously. We're a blended, goofy bunch and we're okay with that.
So here's a little look at all our "good" pictures from different events through the year. They are in no particular order. There are many, many more....these are just a few....enjoy ;)
 |
| After Cassidy's play...gotta have the peace signs. |
 |
| Halloween a few years ago...Megan looks like a deer in headlights & Cassidy's mouth is wide open. |
 |
| On Vacation going to MN last year...Megan's mouth is wide open this time. |
 |
| Dad jumped in last minute... |
 |
| And then was attacked by kids. |
 |
| Skiing this past spring...Haley is "posing" |
 |
| Family hike...Haley "posing" again & Cassidy is "thinking" |
 |
| Easter this year...seriously like I want your eggs on your head! |
 |
| I think we have a million pics with Haley making this face. |
 |
| Haley "loves" to help make a great picture. |
 |
| Is anyone looking at the camera? |
 |
| Haley was done smiling! |
 |
| Alex...I didn't say use your hands to make yourself smile! |
 |
| Dad can't just stand there with them! |
 |
| Pony tail mustaches & upside down kids! |
 |
| Here we go...there were about 2 dozen tries...here's just a few |
 |
| No posed wedding day photos for us |
 |
| Why is Megan pouting? |
 |
| Alex...really? |
 |
| Here's Megan biting the bouquet |
 |
| Last fall...Ryan biting a pumpkin...REALLY? |
 |
| More silliness |
 |
| Yes...that's me choking him while I kiss him. |
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)