There has been a silence for a while now. I have not been on social networks or blogging. I have not been reaching out to those close to me. I have been withdrawing for a little while now. I am seeing this and I am aware. Little by little, I've become quieter and quieter and now almost silent.
I am blogging today to break that silence. I've been hurting and isolating and now, I am breaking the cycle.
Nothing in my life right now really explains the reasons for these actions right now. I am hurting but there is no direct trauma that would explain this. I am just wrestling with my life as it is right now.
Right now, my job is being a mom and a wife. I have been cooking and cleaning and running kids around town. That's it. It's been a long time since I was simply doing just those things. I usually have some PTO committee to run or a project at church. I usually go to school full time or have some part time job to bring in a little extra. The only time I haven't had all those things on my plate, I was grieving the loss of a loved one. I know I am not called to pick up extra things just to be busy but I am struggling with finding purpose in what I am doing. I know I am a good mom and wife. I know this and love it. I am just struggling with these being the only "jobs" I have right now.
Today, all I HAVE to do is take kids to school, pick them up from school, work with them on homework and make my family a meal. My house could use some love but it's not something that HAS to be done. So I only do what I have to do.
Right now I just want to say thank you. My husband is amazing and my friends are top notch. They have heard my struggle in the few words I have spoken. They have called me out on it and asked me what I was going to do to get through this. They have not left me alone and even those who did not know how much I was struggling or that I was struggling, somehow appeared at the right time to just sit with me or talk on the phone. They are walking with me as I figure out what I am going to do next. Thank you. I am blessed to be surrounded by Godly and wise people. I am blessed to have people who care about me.
I know I am not alone in this. I have never felt alone in this. I will be victorious and find the way and as I do, thank you for being there for me.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Anniversary weekend on a dime...
Ryan and I have been married 2 years as of Friday. This year, of course, our budget didn't allow a costly celebration. I would have liked to take a trip (even just out of town) over night or for the weekend. The budget, however, did not agree. In fact the budget really didn't want us to do anything that could cost anything.
The thing about a budget is that there are fluid parts of it and hard and fast parts of if. There are bills that have to be paid and there is no wiggle room whatsoever. Then there are things like the food budget and even the gas budget. If I refrain from running around town, I'll save on gas. I try to lump all errands on the same day and make them happen to or from a destination to where I am already going, such as dropping kids off at school. As for the food budget, I can start with what I already have in the cupboards and build from there sometimes choosing canned chicken over fresh or making breakfast for dinner because eggs and pancakes are cheap.
These are all great ideas but when it comes down to it, there is only so much savings I can squeeze out and with dental bills and medical bills, there wasn't much left for a weekend let alone a night away this year. That didn't stop us from celebrating!
For three years now, we have been blessed to celebrate with our friends Beth and Wes. We share an anniversary weekend, ours is the 9th and theirs is the 11th. We even went on our honeymoon with them to Las Vegas so they could renew their vows (it was their 10th anniversary that year). This is something I look forward to every year. Busy lives do not always make it so we can get together as often as we would like. Beth and I talk pretty regularly and our families get together here and there but there isn't a lot of time as couples. I always know we'll have once a year to sit down for dinner as couples and just catch up.
This year we decided to go to HuHot for dinner. None of us had been and we'd heard some great things about it. What was really nice is that if fit the budget. Dinner was nice, conversation was wonderful and we all overate. Then Ryan and I went to Itopit for frozen yogurt (being another couple got us hooked-thanks Sam & Troy). We enjoyed a nice dessert and then we went home. The kids were at his parents for the evening so we just watch movies and had alone time. Ryan had the next day off and so we slept in the following morning.
Later that day we went shopping, just the two of us. I used a gift card to get a little something for me and he had a gift card to get a little something for him. We ending up spending less than $15 for both items! It was nice to spend time together and get something we wanted and not needed because when you're living on a tight budget, wants are the first thing to go.
It was low key and mostly uneventful but as parents of a large family, it was just what we needed. I hope there is a little more in the budget next year to leave our house but truly enjoyed staying home this year. Honestly, I'm not the big celebration kind of girl and it was nice to just sit.
The thing about a budget is that there are fluid parts of it and hard and fast parts of if. There are bills that have to be paid and there is no wiggle room whatsoever. Then there are things like the food budget and even the gas budget. If I refrain from running around town, I'll save on gas. I try to lump all errands on the same day and make them happen to or from a destination to where I am already going, such as dropping kids off at school. As for the food budget, I can start with what I already have in the cupboards and build from there sometimes choosing canned chicken over fresh or making breakfast for dinner because eggs and pancakes are cheap.
These are all great ideas but when it comes down to it, there is only so much savings I can squeeze out and with dental bills and medical bills, there wasn't much left for a weekend let alone a night away this year. That didn't stop us from celebrating!
For three years now, we have been blessed to celebrate with our friends Beth and Wes. We share an anniversary weekend, ours is the 9th and theirs is the 11th. We even went on our honeymoon with them to Las Vegas so they could renew their vows (it was their 10th anniversary that year). This is something I look forward to every year. Busy lives do not always make it so we can get together as often as we would like. Beth and I talk pretty regularly and our families get together here and there but there isn't a lot of time as couples. I always know we'll have once a year to sit down for dinner as couples and just catch up.
This year we decided to go to HuHot for dinner. None of us had been and we'd heard some great things about it. What was really nice is that if fit the budget. Dinner was nice, conversation was wonderful and we all overate. Then Ryan and I went to Itopit for frozen yogurt (being another couple got us hooked-thanks Sam & Troy). We enjoyed a nice dessert and then we went home. The kids were at his parents for the evening so we just watch movies and had alone time. Ryan had the next day off and so we slept in the following morning.
Later that day we went shopping, just the two of us. I used a gift card to get a little something for me and he had a gift card to get a little something for him. We ending up spending less than $15 for both items! It was nice to spend time together and get something we wanted and not needed because when you're living on a tight budget, wants are the first thing to go.
It was low key and mostly uneventful but as parents of a large family, it was just what we needed. I hope there is a little more in the budget next year to leave our house but truly enjoyed staying home this year. Honestly, I'm not the big celebration kind of girl and it was nice to just sit.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
When I walked through the Shadows of Death...You comforted me.
Friday will mark two years of marriage with Ryan. He is the man of my dreams. He is my other half. He is my partner in life. He is my rock. He is the leader of our family. He is my spiritual protection. He is gentle. He is kind. He is patient. He is humble. He is smart. He is brave. He is more than I knew to ask of God and he is the redemption God had planned for me.
However, six years ago, I was a young wife and mother who was about to walk through the darkest days of my life. I did not know what was coming and if I had, I probably would have run. On this side of things I can say in confidence with my 20/20-hindsight-vision that it was worth it. When I was there, I only asked “why” over and over and over again. I never have received an answer.
I remember walking through my first husband’s sickness hurting and weary. I remember feeling like it was never going to end. I remember begging God to heal him. I remember falling asleep at night listening to the beeping of the hospital machines. I remember dedicating my life to taking care of all his needs. I remember praying for a miracle and then I remember when it ended. I remember telling my friends to leave the hospital and I got in my car. I remember getting onto the interstate and then three exits from my parent’s house I screamed. I screamed and cry and yelled “WHY, why, why God. Why wasn’t he the one to receive a miracle? Why is this the plan for me? Why?”
Those days seemed long then. I was very lonely. I cried myself to sleep every night and woke up crying. I cried in the shower. I cried every moment I was alone. When the kids were home, I put on my “face” and carried on with life but then sometimes, I cried with them. I would cry because he was going to miss a sunset or never ski again. I would cry to think that he would miss walking the girls down the aisle (even though that is still very far away). I would call a friend and ask a question and then just cry. A friend would stop by to check on me and I would just cry. Then I would cry about how much I was crying and how I was drowning my friend in my tears. They would reassure me and I would cry some more. I thought I would never stop crying.
One night, I just fell asleep without crying. After a while those nights came more often and soon several in a row. At some point, I noticed the sun was shining and the mountains were beautiful and I did not cry about it. I started to smile. I started to laugh. Every once in a while, I would cry again (and sometimes I still do). I will always miss him. We spent eight years together. He was all I knew. I was so very young when we met.
Today, as I think about being married to Ryan, I see so much more. I see the things that God wanted me to have after that storm. Ryan is not “better” he’s different. I cannot and will not compare them. I can say that Ryan is my redemption. Ryan is the picture of what God was doing in me when I journeyed through the “valley of the shadow of death” and some of His comfort came much later. Ryan is a miracle in my life. Ryan and I have been blessed so much and some of that I attribute to the promises God gave to me in the midst of the storms. I know that the future will still have bumps but I also believe one thing that has stayed with me all these years from a sermon Pastor Kelly gave many years ago. He said that the bigger the storm, the bigger the miracle would be. I held onto that during the storms and now I am walking in the miracles. Thank you Lord for those little things with which you comfort us that carry us through the valleys.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Jack of all trades but master of none.
So, I have baked a few treats but I wouldn’t say I’m know for my baking. In fact, I wouldn’t even say I enjoy baking but if I had to whip up something for this or that, I certainly could. I have a few tried and true family favorites. They tend to be things that are simple and require very little measuring or direction following (since I seem in capable of both).
I can knit, but I am in NO way a knitter. I look at the beautiful pieces my mom made and think that we’re probably not doing the same thing at all. I can knit a scarf and maybe a blanket (very simple one of course, once again with very little direction following). If my life depended on it, I probably could follow a pattern and make something a little more complicated than a scarf.
I can sew but I’m certainly not a seamstress. In fact, I think I have to get out the instructions to my sewing machine every time I need to mend anything. The fact that I have two sewing machines complicated the matter even more. Both of them I received from my mom who used to sew my clothes when I was young. My method of sewing now is taking things to my step-mom or I could probably take it to my mother-in-law. So far, this has worked very well and I’m good at asking for help.
I could play piano, flute and guitar. I have played the saxophone (a couple times) and could probably learn to play my daughter’s clarinet. The only thing I can still play is piano and not very many things nor very well. It didn’t matter how much I practiced or how many years I played, I was never a star, didn’t have that “natural” born talent.
I was an art major for half a second in college but I can’t draw, paint or sculpt anything recognizable. I think I painted a sunflower once that, in my opinion, looked nice enough (I wouldn’t call it fine art or anything). It wouldn’t be shown in a gallery or a studio and in fact, I don’t even have it displayed in my own home. My mother painted some beautiful paintings that hung in our home when I was growing up. They may not have been considered fine art either, but they were definitely worthy of displaying.
As I look at my life, I can say that my very talented mother exposed me to many thing and taught me many things. She taught me to bake (and I hate it). She taught me to knit, and I’m thinking I really don’t care for it either (being I’m not very good). She taught me to sew and (once again) I hate it. She got me piano lessons and flute lessons. She exposed me to a world of music. Though I love music, I never really loved playing though I do on occasion (it can be very therapeutic).
It used to pain me that I couldn’t do things as well as my mom. Here I am a “happy homemaker” and my mother worked full time. I can’t do many of the things my mom taught me that would be helpful as a homemaker. I don’t know that I would consider myself a master of most things in the home economics department.
Here’s the thing, I’m okay with all of that. I’ll probably never bake a masterpiece or knit a sweater, sew a quilt or paint a work of art. I do, however, have a happy home and try a few new things every year. I have my home filled with happy memories and I surround my family with loving, wonderful family and friends. Most of all, I teach my kids about God and His love. I teach them that boundaries are loving and I will love them all my life. I’ll expose them to new things and teach them the little I know about baking, sewing or knitting and what I don’t know about those things, I’ll try to learn from a friend or worst case scenario, I’ll Google it. The one thing I know how to do really well is ask for help!
I can knit, but I am in NO way a knitter. I look at the beautiful pieces my mom made and think that we’re probably not doing the same thing at all. I can knit a scarf and maybe a blanket (very simple one of course, once again with very little direction following). If my life depended on it, I probably could follow a pattern and make something a little more complicated than a scarf.
I can sew but I’m certainly not a seamstress. In fact, I think I have to get out the instructions to my sewing machine every time I need to mend anything. The fact that I have two sewing machines complicated the matter even more. Both of them I received from my mom who used to sew my clothes when I was young. My method of sewing now is taking things to my step-mom or I could probably take it to my mother-in-law. So far, this has worked very well and I’m good at asking for help.
I could play piano, flute and guitar. I have played the saxophone (a couple times) and could probably learn to play my daughter’s clarinet. The only thing I can still play is piano and not very many things nor very well. It didn’t matter how much I practiced or how many years I played, I was never a star, didn’t have that “natural” born talent.
I was an art major for half a second in college but I can’t draw, paint or sculpt anything recognizable. I think I painted a sunflower once that, in my opinion, looked nice enough (I wouldn’t call it fine art or anything). It wouldn’t be shown in a gallery or a studio and in fact, I don’t even have it displayed in my own home. My mother painted some beautiful paintings that hung in our home when I was growing up. They may not have been considered fine art either, but they were definitely worthy of displaying.
As I look at my life, I can say that my very talented mother exposed me to many thing and taught me many things. She taught me to bake (and I hate it). She taught me to knit, and I’m thinking I really don’t care for it either (being I’m not very good). She taught me to sew and (once again) I hate it. She got me piano lessons and flute lessons. She exposed me to a world of music. Though I love music, I never really loved playing though I do on occasion (it can be very therapeutic).
It used to pain me that I couldn’t do things as well as my mom. Here I am a “happy homemaker” and my mother worked full time. I can’t do many of the things my mom taught me that would be helpful as a homemaker. I don’t know that I would consider myself a master of most things in the home economics department.
Here’s the thing, I’m okay with all of that. I’ll probably never bake a masterpiece or knit a sweater, sew a quilt or paint a work of art. I do, however, have a happy home and try a few new things every year. I have my home filled with happy memories and I surround my family with loving, wonderful family and friends. Most of all, I teach my kids about God and His love. I teach them that boundaries are loving and I will love them all my life. I’ll expose them to new things and teach them the little I know about baking, sewing or knitting and what I don’t know about those things, I’ll try to learn from a friend or worst case scenario, I’ll Google it. The one thing I know how to do really well is ask for help!
Friday, September 2, 2011
If you make your FB private...I'll just internet stalk you
It's absolutely amazing what kind of information in online anymore. What's even more amazing is what people put online themselves. These aren't the days of some news article that was archived that mentions your name found online because someone's job was to scan all the old information into a database. Today, you can go to several different websites and find everything: your address, phone number (okay for some of you that may be listed in the phone book) but even your cell phone number and pictures from your FB profile or myspace or google+ or linked. There are wonderful sites that help you store your pictures so in case you (PC not Mac) computer dies, you don't loose your pictures. All these things are wonderful and then there are blogs. We put our pictures, stories and personal info online on a blog.
So just for fun...Google yourself. Ladies, use your married name and your maiden name. Just for fun, Google your kids and your spouse as well. See what you find and if you're like me, use any combination of names you have had or do have. If you are online, you'll find some trace of you online. Spokeo is the most common way to find addresses and phone number and sometimes there are pictures of you as well as a picture of your house. Try entering your info in Spokeo and see what you find.
Now, stop hyperventilating. I know, you saw a Google map image of your house on Spokeo with your car parked in your driveway. You found dozens of pictures that you didn't know where online. You probably found very personal information. It's going to be okay.
Remember, if you're online, you need to protect yourself. Check all your settings on all the sites on which you are a member. Think hard: Facebook, myspace, linked, youtube, twitter, google+, flickr, picasa and then check your email account settings: gmail, hotmail, yahoo. Some of these sites list you on a Goggle search and it's easy to change. Remember to deactivate any account you no longer use (don't just leave it in internet limbo with information connected to it).
But here's the thing. I found several long lost friends this way. My sister found me this way. About every six months or so, I Google myself and my family and see what I find. I go to each site and see if there are settings that I can change to remove the info. It takes a while for the data to be "lost" and not show up in a Google search...so obsessively Googling yourself everyday will not help. Remember, once it's out in cyberspace, it's out there. Check your privacy settings and when FB has that little pop up that says they have changed their privacy settings...don't just hit X, read it!
Oh, and if you're on FB and made your profile private and then didn't add me as friend...I just Googled you. I found pictures of you online and your current address. I found other sites you were on and looked at those pictures too. That's right, I stalked you. Serves you right for not accepting my friend request. Just kidding...sort of.
Oh BTW, when I just did my recent Google search, I found an email I sent through what I thought was a secure, private email list that I put my email, home phone and cell phone. Hmmm, I guess having to "join" the group didn't mean everyone else in the world couldn't look at my email, they just couldn't respond.
So just for fun...Google yourself. Ladies, use your married name and your maiden name. Just for fun, Google your kids and your spouse as well. See what you find and if you're like me, use any combination of names you have had or do have. If you are online, you'll find some trace of you online. Spokeo is the most common way to find addresses and phone number and sometimes there are pictures of you as well as a picture of your house. Try entering your info in Spokeo and see what you find.
Now, stop hyperventilating. I know, you saw a Google map image of your house on Spokeo with your car parked in your driveway. You found dozens of pictures that you didn't know where online. You probably found very personal information. It's going to be okay.
Remember, if you're online, you need to protect yourself. Check all your settings on all the sites on which you are a member. Think hard: Facebook, myspace, linked, youtube, twitter, google+, flickr, picasa and then check your email account settings: gmail, hotmail, yahoo. Some of these sites list you on a Goggle search and it's easy to change. Remember to deactivate any account you no longer use (don't just leave it in internet limbo with information connected to it).
But here's the thing. I found several long lost friends this way. My sister found me this way. About every six months or so, I Google myself and my family and see what I find. I go to each site and see if there are settings that I can change to remove the info. It takes a while for the data to be "lost" and not show up in a Google search...so obsessively Googling yourself everyday will not help. Remember, once it's out in cyberspace, it's out there. Check your privacy settings and when FB has that little pop up that says they have changed their privacy settings...don't just hit X, read it!
Oh, and if you're on FB and made your profile private and then didn't add me as friend...I just Googled you. I found pictures of you online and your current address. I found other sites you were on and looked at those pictures too. That's right, I stalked you. Serves you right for not accepting my friend request. Just kidding...sort of.
Oh BTW, when I just did my recent Google search, I found an email I sent through what I thought was a secure, private email list that I put my email, home phone and cell phone. Hmmm, I guess having to "join" the group didn't mean everyone else in the world couldn't look at my email, they just couldn't respond.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
I don't even know what to say...and so I pray
It seems to me that there comes a time in our life when we realize we will pay the consequence for others' bad choices. "We" being the responsible and honest, the godly and trust worthy, the faithful and true. As I sit and look at my situation, I can honestly say, I have done nothing wrong here.
Now, with that said, there is plenty I have done wrong in my life. If I just look at being a mom, there are times when I have lost my temper, yelled and screamed, told my kids things they didn't need to know, didn't tell my kids things they needed to know, got lazy, was resentful, was bitter, and had a plain old bad day and took it out on my kids. It goes without saying, I've done the same in just about every relationship I have had from being a daughter, sister, and friend to being a wife and even God's daughter.
Healthy relationships are just plain hard. They require responsibility and honesty, accountability and intentionality. I would say that for the most part, having healthy relationships are far too much work for far too many. I have seen and experience way too many unhealthy relationships in my life. I have participated in my fair share and sometimes was part of the the unhealthiness in the relationship, but I would have to say that with growth and maturity, I have broken free from much of the unhealthy parts of my life and have tried to grow (God painfully pruning me along the way).
I have removed many unhealthy relationships from my life in the past several years. It is not to say that I would not engage relationship with these people again, but to say, right now, I don't have the time or energy to work that hard to be healthy around them. I enjoy having well adjusted, fruit-bearing, life-giving, happy, healthy (in mind & spirit) people surrounding me. Now, I know my friends and I are far from perfect, but I would venture to say we're healthy in our relationships and when we're not, I expect I'll be called out on it and be held accountable to find correction and God's will in my life.
BUT...there are still many unhealthy people that surround me. I cannot removed myself from being in contact with every unhealthy person on this earth (though sometimes I wish I could). Some of these people, I am forced to be in contact. It is not pleasant or fun. It creates anxiety and is more than uncomfortable. The thing about these people is they are a virus. They infect others around them and their "diseased" mindsets spread like wildfire. It doesn't take long for them to influence more and more people.
The other thing that is most unpleasant about this is that "we" have to do damage control and clean up the messes. We have to correct the misconceptions. We have to reveal the truths. We have to dispel the lies. We have to be responsible. We have to do whatever needs to be done. We have to care about it all (and we have to drive everywhere to get it done).
Well...."WE" are tired. I know I did nothing wrong and I am not asking for recognition, but I could use a break. I'm not sure the break I would get would be long enough and looking ahead, I know the path is long. I know that I can rely on God and "they" do no not. I know He is my comforter and my strength and with God on my side, who can be against me. I know all these things and rest in them. But, can I be so bold as to ask for one more thing? I need a break and I need rest.
Lord, please give me what I need to continue on this path that seems so long in front of me. Please encourage me when I am picking up the pieces of irresponsibility yet again. Please give me strength to uphold Your will when I am being fought against. Please give me peace knowing it's out of my control. And most of all Lord, please protect us as we walk into yet another battle.
Now, with that said, there is plenty I have done wrong in my life. If I just look at being a mom, there are times when I have lost my temper, yelled and screamed, told my kids things they didn't need to know, didn't tell my kids things they needed to know, got lazy, was resentful, was bitter, and had a plain old bad day and took it out on my kids. It goes without saying, I've done the same in just about every relationship I have had from being a daughter, sister, and friend to being a wife and even God's daughter.
Healthy relationships are just plain hard. They require responsibility and honesty, accountability and intentionality. I would say that for the most part, having healthy relationships are far too much work for far too many. I have seen and experience way too many unhealthy relationships in my life. I have participated in my fair share and sometimes was part of the the unhealthiness in the relationship, but I would have to say that with growth and maturity, I have broken free from much of the unhealthy parts of my life and have tried to grow (God painfully pruning me along the way).
I have removed many unhealthy relationships from my life in the past several years. It is not to say that I would not engage relationship with these people again, but to say, right now, I don't have the time or energy to work that hard to be healthy around them. I enjoy having well adjusted, fruit-bearing, life-giving, happy, healthy (in mind & spirit) people surrounding me. Now, I know my friends and I are far from perfect, but I would venture to say we're healthy in our relationships and when we're not, I expect I'll be called out on it and be held accountable to find correction and God's will in my life.
BUT...there are still many unhealthy people that surround me. I cannot removed myself from being in contact with every unhealthy person on this earth (though sometimes I wish I could). Some of these people, I am forced to be in contact. It is not pleasant or fun. It creates anxiety and is more than uncomfortable. The thing about these people is they are a virus. They infect others around them and their "diseased" mindsets spread like wildfire. It doesn't take long for them to influence more and more people.
The other thing that is most unpleasant about this is that "we" have to do damage control and clean up the messes. We have to correct the misconceptions. We have to reveal the truths. We have to dispel the lies. We have to be responsible. We have to do whatever needs to be done. We have to care about it all (and we have to drive everywhere to get it done).
Well...."WE" are tired. I know I did nothing wrong and I am not asking for recognition, but I could use a break. I'm not sure the break I would get would be long enough and looking ahead, I know the path is long. I know that I can rely on God and "they" do no not. I know He is my comforter and my strength and with God on my side, who can be against me. I know all these things and rest in them. But, can I be so bold as to ask for one more thing? I need a break and I need rest.
Lord, please give me what I need to continue on this path that seems so long in front of me. Please encourage me when I am picking up the pieces of irresponsibility yet again. Please give me strength to uphold Your will when I am being fought against. Please give me peace knowing it's out of my control. And most of all Lord, please protect us as we walk into yet another battle.
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