One less reader...

So I feel like writing is just something that just comes naturally. Sometimes I struggle finding the perfect words at first but it doesn't take long for me to find them. I may hit delete a few times and start again, but in the end I usually find the words.

I've heard people talk about writer's block and I've been blessed to not experience that yet. I know many people who cannot seem to put their thoughts into words and into print. For me, that is not a problem.

I have to thank my mom. She seems to be the fire behind my passion. She was a wonderful writer. She had all sorts of talents, though I feel she never really saw them for what they were. I love what she did for me. She edited every piece of written work I wrote for years.

I would like to think she would be so proud of me. I would like to think she would be cheering me on as I write. I would like to think she would be the perfect editor for the book I will write.

But what's really interesting is I had other cheerleaders and I never knew it.

My grandma passed away last month. My dad & I traveled to her funeral. It was so weird. I got to see my cousins, some of whom I hadn't seen in 19 years. I realized I spent almost every Christmas at my Grandma's house with family growing up...and then. Well, we all grew up and had our own families. We stopped coming around at Christmas by the time we were teens.

All of the sudden, I felt really horrible. My grandma had probably been trying to get us all together again for years. We didn't do it until she was gone. My heart hurt.

Why? Why do we wait to get together? Why do we all talk about getting together and then never do?

Well, it was nice to get together. I missed my cousins and even got to spend time with some of my family with whom we never really got to spend time.

And then there were the scrapbooks...

Grandma scrapbooked a lot! She took this to a new level. She started scrapbooking before you could buy supplies at the craft stores, before you could easily copy pictures, before all the cute papers and embellishments.

As I looked through her scrapbook, I realized my Grandma kept track of everything in my life even if I didn't do the best to keep her in the loop. She had pictures of my girls every year. I had sent them, but I guess I never realized they were going into a scrapbook with a section dedicated to my girls. She even had pictures of major events at which she did not attend. My mom must have sent her some photos.

Then as I poured through the books, my cousin told me she read my blog every time. I never knew. I had no idea. She read every word I wrote. She was faithful to keeping in touch even though I did not pick up the phone, even though I did not write, and even though I had stopped visiting for the past few years.

Since she passed away, I haven't really wanted to write this post. It was the realization that I had one less reader. I don't have many reader or followers. I don't have many that keep in touch. I don't care if the world reads what I write. I write because God gives me the words to write. I write because I have a story to tell. I write to process life. I write because I love it and because my mom would have loved it. I write so often in honor of my mom.

Today...

Today I write in honor of my Grandma. I wish I would have know she was reading what I wrote...I would have written more to keep her in the loop. I wish I would have know about her scrapbooks...I would have sent more pictures. I wish I would have known...

I didn't know because I didn't call enough. I didn't know because I stopped visiting the past four years. I didn't know because I never asked.

Somehow, my Grandma ended up being my biggest cheerleader and I never knew. My Grandma was almost 90 when she passed. She had a cell phone. She had Facebook. She read Blogs. My Grandmas was a techie...

She followed me. I wish I would have know.

Saying goodbye & finding a new church

My girls and I have been at Vanguard church for nearly seven years and Ryan and his kids have been there with us for nearly three years. It is definitely a place I have considered home for a long while.

When I started going to Vanguard, I had not been going to church for several years after some great heart break with an organization for which I was working and the church with which it was associated. It took nearly four years before I would even consider attending a church more than just the holiday visits with my parents. When I walked into Vanguard, there were many things I disliked right off the bat. Growing up in a Christian home and attending church my entire life, I became really quite good at being the church critic but in the end there was one thing that got me to go back right away...my family. My kids and my first husband not only enjoyed going but wanted to continue to attend. After our first visit to Vanguard, we never went anywhere else and rarely missed a service.

I spent the first six months of church sitting in the very back of the old theater six on the folding chairs behind the theater seats. I cried every Sunday and more than that, I broke in the back of that church. Every complaint about Vanguard I tried to voice before God, He would dismantle and then heal me. I would try to find reasons why this was not the place for me and He would show me over and over that it was just what I needed.

Though there were things in the beginning that I disliked, I found those things fade and I fell in love with my church. It didn't take long for God to heal the brokenness and open me up to serving the church. I found my way into children's ministry with the preschool and nursery. I worked on Wednesday nights and with the musical ministry. I worked on the women's retreat team. I prayed over VBB and lead a group or two. I started a couple small groups. I went to Bible studies and worked in MOPs and later even joined MOPs. I worked with the worship ministry and helped the Seder team. I found there were things I loved doing and others I really did not like at all. I learned a lot about myself and God healed more than I knew needed healing.

Vanguard was more than my church, it was my community. Vanguard journeyed with me and my girls through my first husband's illness that went on for fourteen months. It was then that I truly learned what community was. When he passed away, our pastor did the funeral, another pastor made arrangements, several other pastors, elders and their wives showed up in support and another pastor lead the music. The room was filled with Vanguardians and I truly felt blessed to be part of such a loving community. Then just a little more than a year later, my mom passed away. Once again, Vanguard was there to host the reception and help with coordinating food for the reception from my friends and family.

Then it was time for celebration. Eight months after my mom passed away, I got married to Ryan and our families were joined into one big blended family. At my side were many Vanguardians, this time as a different type of support. They supported and loved me as I joined my life with another. As we struggled and worked our way through the unknown of blending our family, I found many other blended families at Vanguard with whom we found support and counsel. Vanguard was a home to us, to all of us in our big blended family.

Now for the goodbye part. We have decided to leave Vanguard. Actually we left back in March but had not made the decision that we would not be coming back to Vanguard until now. There were several reasons we left. We did not leave broken or hurt. We did not become upset with Vanguard. We just came to a realization that we were being called in a different direction. Yes, we could have stayed at Vanguard and arrived at the same destination, but we needed to obey God's calling on our family.

One of the main reasons we left Vanguard was that we wanted to find a church that would be a place I could serve as a Pastor when I finish school. I feel I am being called to be a Care Pastor. Vanguard recently laid off their Care Pastor and I believe if they reopen the possibility for that position, it needs to go back to the person they laid off (if he is still willing and available to take it). I also believe that a Care Pastor is a very sensitive area and that it is important for the Care Pastor to be intimately involved with the body. The body needs to trust this person prior to being hired for this position. Though this is not always the case, I believe that I needed to be apart of the body to whom I feel called before I finish school. I was not feeling that I would be a Care Pastor at Vanguard. As Ryan and I prayed about this, one thing that became clear was that I needed to feel like the church we were attending could be were I would serve. We did not feel as though God was calling me to serve Vanguard in this capacity.

We also felt as time went on, that we needed a church that was ours. In some ways, when I married Ryan, he and the kids became part of what I had built with my first husband and the girls. It was difficult for us to feel as though it was our church. Somehow it always felt as though it was my church.

In the end, there were several small things that lead up to our decision. It was painful to make the decision and we grieved. The hardest part is we love Vanguard. We didn't necessarily want to leave. We loved Pastor Kelly's preaching. We loved Fike and Dana's worship. Our kids loved the leaders in their ministries. God was calling us to leave and once we came to grips with that, we found great peace.

We haven't found a home church just yet, but we think there is one that could be a great possibility. It has been long journey and for the first time, I am excited about it. The grieving is not over but the new growth is coming and excites me. One thing I have learned through all of this is that my list of what I want means little to God. So far He has seemed to pay much attending to my little wish list. I am feeling Him in our journey, loving the process and at the same time saddened to leave Vanguard. I miss it a lot and I miss my friends. I have tried to become more intentional about relationship with those I no longer worship on Sundays.

Our journey is not over here. When we have found our home, I'll share about it some more. Please pray for our family as we look for our church home. And as always, thanks for listening.