Curiosity killed the...

Okay why do people have to be so curious? Why do they have to ask such dumb questions when they don't know what to say? Why do people have to know things that really aren't their business?

We're a blended family...not whipped. We're not broken nor do we need your help fixing things. Yes, all the kids in my home have a different combination of parents. Do you need to know who "belongs" to whom?

Let me ask you this...would you walk about to an acquaintance that was pregnant and ask who the father was? Then why do you ask me who the father is of my children or which ones are mine? They are all mine. I mother all of them. I may not be the only mother but I am the mother in my home in which they live either some or all of the time.

I don't try to pretend I know what it feels like to be their mom. I don't try to act as though I am the authority and the end all et all for them. I just take care of them and love them.

I cook. I clean. I take kids to appointments and school. I help with homework. I make them do chores. I care for them when they are sick. I tuck them in at night. I wake them in the morning. I buy them clothes and school supplies. I listen to their problems and help them find their way. I throw them parties and buy them gifts. I make special holiday dinners and clean up after it all.

I'm not the only adult who makes decisions on their behalf and sometimes I don't get to make the decisions but I have to carry them out. I love them just the same. I don't feel more or less love for any of my kids. The only difference is I have loved some for a longer period of time. That's it!

I'm pretty sure I just love them all. You don't have to tip toe around my family and figure out who calls me mom or my husband dad and make sure you address us the same as they address us. It's okay to call me mom and know my kiddo may call me by my name. It's okay to call us "your parents" and you don't have to say "dad & step-mom". My kids know what you mean. I am after all a step-parent so I have earned the title "parent". It's not okay to ask about who is their "real mom" or "real brother". We're all real. Just as isn't not okay to ask adoptive families anything with "real" as a descriptive word for a person. We are not mythical creatures. We all live and breath.

You may want to know how people are related in a family but unless you are close enough to be considered family (in which case you already know), then it's none of your business. Blood does not make family...love does.

If blood makes family, then my husband isn't family. Hmmm...doesn't quite work out does it?

I say follow the clues. If I say, "Hey, I want you to meet my step-daughter" then it's obvious I'm drawing the lines. You don't know why nor do you get to ask. Maybe mom and step-mom have an agreement or dad and mom don't want a fight with mom or the kids are uncomfortable when things aren't clarified. Here's the thing...it's none of your business.

When I say I have three daughters, 1- 9th grader and 2- 7th graders, it's natural to ask if I have twins. When I say, "No, we're a blended family" it's not okay to say, "Which one is yours?" In fact so many people have been so disrespectful to our family that we've actually started a joke to see if anyone will catch it. When asked if they girls are twins, we have actually told many of that they are nocturnal twins. People don't even seem to bat and eye and just continue on with the conversation.

Well if you're not smart enough to see what I've just said then I'm sure you're not smart enough to understand our family dynamics. We don't fully understand it so why would you?

In fact we have told people they are identical twins several times...I think you have to have some fun with stupid people some times.

Here's my identical twins:

Family fun on our last family hike! 

The little things add up...

Don't fool yourself...

The world doesn't revolve around you.

Here's the thing...

We all experience comparison envy. The grass is always greener on the other side. If you've seen my yard, you know this to be true. (Mostly because I don't have anything to be consider grass...sad I know but hey, one day I'll get around to making my yard pretty but for now, I have healthy kids and I'm good with that.) I am one to compare...I try not to do it but it's hard.

I've been having a lot of "life lessons" conversations with kids. One in particular is that everyone is not happier than you all the time. What I mean by this is this...

When I leave the house in the morning, I try to have my best foot forward when facing the world. I get dressed, do my hair and paint on my face. I put on a smile as the last accessory. I put my shoulders back and my head up. I smile politely to the people around me and go about my day. When I see friends or acquaintances, we chat and laugh and smile and have a nice time. Then I come home after a long day and try to take my troubles one at a time. By the end of the day, I'm tired and sometimes very overwhelmed. I struggle with little things and somedays they pile on me till I'm huddled in my bedroom on the verge of tears. But the world...it never sees that side of me. Everyday I do the same thing and I'm not alone. We don't run around the world on the verge of tears, vomiting our worries on everyone we touch. We hold up our heads and get things done. Somehow, this has told our kids, everyone is happy all the time and...why can't I be?

They compare their lives to what they see. They see happy people all around them. They look at social media and everyone is posting happy vacation pictures and fun social events. They see the TV world where everything is resolved in an hour or less. They read books with happy endings. They hear about success all around them.

But I don't want the world to change...

I don't want them to live in a world where they see everyone hanging their heads in worry and stress. I don't want them to see only the bad and the ugly on TV or social media. I don't want people to surround them and cover them in their fears and worries.

But then the life lessons come to life.

I'm having a bad day and I text a friend on the fly...already in my car on the way to her house asking if I can come over. She is an amazing friend and answers immediately with, "YES, of course." I come with shoulders hung low. My head is cloudy and tired. I'm frustrated with life and with me. I've made the life I live and 90% of the time I love it. But that day...the 10% was weighing heavy. I was barely able to make sentences to express what I was thinking.

I once lived a life of bitterness and anger. I was an "in your face" kind of person expressing just what I thought...which was usually anger. I had a lot fire and wasn't afraid to unleash it. I pushed people away better than anyone and the result...I was alone, tired and bitter.

Then through friends, therapy and of course a lot of God, I changed. I made a different reality. I wasn't angry all the time anymore. I wasn't blaming the world or God or the random passerby for all the things that went wrong in life. I was at peace and felt healing grab every area of my life.

I let more go now. I live in service to others and try not to push people away. I work hard on my relationships and try to live a "happier & healthier" life. When I compare, I usually find I'm unhappy. I don't get as many likes on a comment or a picture or not as many people read my blog as others or this person got to have the vacation or the wedding or the dream I wanted.

Here's what I've learned and try to teach my kiddos, online life is false. We know who are real friends are by the way they bless our lives and the way we bless their lives. We know we are loved because we feel it and see it up close and in person. We may put on our happy faces for the world to see but our friends are ready at a moment's notice to let you stop by and cry your mascara off (I really do need some waterproof mascara).

And those are the little things that add up...not likes or shares on FB. Not hits on a blog or comments. Not followers or friends on Google +.

The friends that let you stop by on a moment's notice. The friends that answer late night texts or phone calls. The friends that come by on a moment's notice with kids in tow. The friends that make plans with you and show up. The friends that are close enough that you can break plans because you're tired and not get mad. The friends that come over and share the good, the bad and the ugly. These are not truly little things. These are the big things in life that define us. That bring us from looking out and comparing life and back to earth grounded in what matters.

I have found that there are no little things in life...because the 90% of me that is happy is made up of a network of loving people, little gestures, date nights, TV with the kids, dates with the kids, dogs who play with soccer balls, friends who stop by and let you stop by, pool days with friends, people who shoot texts on bad days, friend who remember special days and hard day, trips with friends, vacations, special dinners, and on and on and on.

Life is full of the little things and none of them are really all that small. They teach my kids life lessons. They saw a mom defeated and tired go off to a friend's house and come home renewed. They saw a dad stressed about the "to do list" of life and then he fixed a fence and was happy and so was the dog. They saw a friend come to the pool and make the best of the 40 minutes they got to be in before the storm rolled in. They saw a camping trip with ups and downs and had lots of fun even when people got sick.

In the end, I know I will stumble and compare again. I will try to fight off envy and the desire to live like the beautiful false FB world. I will fight the urge to fall into discontent over these things. My kids will watch me and learn. They will find their paths and their true friends and they will live happy & healthy lives and maybe raise the bar to living 95% happy and I will join them there!