Bubbling over

The words are bubbling over. They are streaming out of me. I can't seem to shut them up or out or whatever!

I felt like I had no word for so long. Now I feel like I have too many words. I can't get my thoughts around them all and so making them into some sort of concise thought may not happen, so bare with me.

As I prepare to get my kids prepared to go back to school (ugh, I know summer is almost over), I have moments where I feel great sadness. In years past, I was also preparing to go back to school. Though my school supplies list was much shorter and really more just things I needed to feel more prepared rather than a long list of "must haves" for the year, I would go to the office supply store and get them pencils, pens, markers, crayons, colored pencils, glue, tape and a ruler then I would get myself a new highlighter. I would get them backpacks, lunch snacks, new uniforms and get myself a pack of computer paper.

Last year, my schooling went on hold for the 3rd time since I started. At the time, my heart didn't break, not even one little bit. There had been new challenges that arose last summer that turned our family upside-down. We were in total survival mode of a time. My focus was my family and only my family. In some ways I was too busy to grieve not going to school.

But then, almost a year later, I realized it was something much different. I wasn't too busy to grieve, I was a little lost. At the end of my school year last spring, I had lost focus, drive and passion. I was doing bare minimum just to pass the class. I hated my courses, thought the teachers were overbearing and just wanted to be done, counting the days till each class was over. I could hardly stand my computer and was feeling overwhelmed. I didn't see it then and actually it took almost a year until I did.

My wonderful hubby saw it as it was happening. Instead of telling just what I was doing then, he let me sit with it this past year. He watched as I wrestled with my feelings about school. He watched as I made myself busy with life and tried to ignore the flashing sign about my head.

When I finally acknowledge it, he said he saw that coming. He said I wasn't giving school my all. He said he was concerned I had lost focus. But of course, the overly-introspective person I am, I had already been thinking and working it out inside by the time I came to him. I had already refocused and I had already done some research. I looked at my life hard and prayed a lot.

Here's where I am now...

I was going to school to be a grief counselor. Sounds about right, huh? Well here's the problem with that. There is a lot of school involved with that. I would have at least four more years ahead of me. Then comes the next issue. Too many Americans don't have health coverage and if they do it only covers a very small amount for mental health. In today's world, it isn't going to be a money maker. After four more years of school, I would have a LOT of school debt. I would have to work a long time to get that paid off and so me working wouldn't really relieve any financial pressure from my hubby. So I would have spend our whole marriage working towards making my career so that in the end, I wouldn't make from my career enough to make it worth while.

Sometimes, just sometimes, it all comes down to money. This was one of those times.

I feel called to the grieving. That hasn't changed. So I was sitting in a pool of discontent wondering how I could walk in my calling and not go broke doing it.

Well, God is good. He worked it all out for me. I still have no idea how all of it will work but I know He's got it under control. So in the end, I'm changing my major. I'll get a degree in something (that will be divulged later) that will help pay the bills and is something I really, really enjoy doing. My other time (not that I have a lot of that right now but I hope to have more someday soon), I will serve the grieving. I won't depend on getting a paycheck from the grieving or some non-profit organization. I can serve them with my time, energy, love and experience and need nothing in return.

My major will be changing when I can get back to school. I'll only have 2 years left to finish and have a very versatile degree suited for me. I'll be able to serve those for whom I have a heart. I don't feel so overwhelmed and lost. I'm pretty happy about just serving my family right now and can't wait till the doors open for me to return to school.

Calling

What a strange word. I know in the Christian circles, we hear it all the time. Pastors and ministers are called or they have received "the call". What on earth does that mean?

Okay, I'm not really asking. I feel I have that pretty clear, but what's not so clear is how on earth I can be called to so many things. I am called to be a mother, wife, daughter, friend and mentor. I am called as a women of God (and there are lots of things there...that could be its own blog post, or book, or whatever). I am called to service. I am called to witness. I am called give to the poor. I am called to forgive. I am called to love others. I really could go on and on about all the thing we to which Christians, women and people are called.

BUT...what is my calling? Each Christian has a specific calling. God designed us as individuals and calls us each to something different. AND...do those callings change? Do we get new callings even though we feel we may not have finished the first calling? How do we figure out His calling on our lives and where do we get the road map to figure out how to walk in it? When do we start that walk? With whom do we walk? Why does it seem that callings can be fuzzy or undefined yet so exciting and purposeful at the same time?

Okay, this blog post isn't about answering all these question though I will say there are answers to all of them (some of the answer we may not like, but none the less there are answers). This is about asking the questions. I have discovered recently, that if I'm not asking God questions, He's not giving me answers, not showing me the way, not directing my path.

It's not God that's not doing His job...it's me.

I need to be apart of His plan for me. He's not going to make me do it. As my Heavenly Father, He teaches me a lesson and then maybe He teaches it again and again and again.

Here's the thing...it's not because I'm dumb and can't get it. It's not because I'm bad. It's because just like my kids, repetition is the key to learning. My kids didn't jump into a pool and know how to swim. They got in the pool everyday, summer after summer and slowly learned how to do all kinds of swimming things. They had to swallow a lot of water to learn to close their mouths and pinch their noses. They had to ask for help when they got too far out and couldn't get back. They had to practice blowing bubbles and kicking their legs, but today, I could throw them in the pool and they can swim. It's been a lot of hard work, for them and for me. We had lots of tears. We had times when they wanted to give up and so did I. We had good moments followed by really bad ones. They still have a long way to go and still could learn so much more, but they can swim if only for a little bit but certainly enough to have fun.

So is it with our calling. I didn't get it at first and it felt like God threw me in the deep end. The truth is that if I had stopped freaking out for just one minute, I would have realized I was in shallow water and could just stand. The other part is that it is like swimming and not so much like being on a path to my calling. In the water there are a thousand different ways I can swim but I can see in the horizon where I am going. Sometimes the current pulls me one way and I may need to fight to get out of that current to get where I'm going. Other times the current seems to just push me towards my goal. There isn't one defined path if I step off it I'm lost. I can usually see where I'm going. Sometimes I can't see though because I needed to take a break and float on my back of a minute...but in the end, I "just keep swimming, swimming, swimming, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la," to quote Dory from "Finding Nemo".

Silence again

My how easy it can be to get lost in silence in my world. Oh, I'm not talking about the kids actually being silent so I can put two thoughts together. I'm talking about loosing my voice and finding it hard to write...here specifically.

I all of the sudden have great sympathy of those who may have suffered from writer's block at any point. I may not be trying to write the next best seller, but it can be so frustrating to loose your voice (writing voice that is).

I have been lost in my own thoughts these past weeks. There has been busyness around me and things that need my attention, but when given a moment, just one solitude moment, I am lost in thought.

One of my closest friends is walking into a wonderful time in her life. She is uplifting to hear. She is excited, on fire and willing for whatever God is bringing her. Her heart is open. Her mind is bubbling over with joy. She is absolutely a fantastic person to be near. She is a light shining with God's love and promises. I thank God I get to walk next to her as she finds everything God has in store, revels in His blessings and shares His plan for her.

It certainly is what my soul needed. As I told her the other day, I don't believe I'm no longer walking forward in my "calling", I just happen to be on a plateau. At this moment, I'm not heading up the mountain but I'm still moving. It just seems like it has been too long on this plateau. In fact, while I stand here, I can honestly say it certainly isn't where I thought I would be right now...and that my friends, is super frustrating.

I was loosing the vision. It felt dark in my world. My "calling" felt shut down and turned off. I have been tired of moving forward without feeling like I was making progress.

Change in perspective. 

That was my friend's words for her story. I heard them. It resonated. Then I heard them again and again and again.

My "calling" is not what I expected it would be. Hmmm. Think just for one moment and let me write that again. It is not what I expected. Yep...I heard that God. I got it. Your plan is perfect for me. You have it under control. My expectations are just that...mine. What you have in store is so much better.

So today, as I am lost in thought, I will think on this, "Change in perspective." I'm not sure what my friend's story will bring. I know God has some awesome things in store for her and I will pray over her as she walks in this. But for today, she has certainly already affected me. I am changed. I am changing my perspective. It's not my plan for my calling in which I am walking but His plan. That was the perspective change I needed today.

Thanks as always for listening. I hope I will find my words again soon, so I can elaborate what I mean by all of this...

He called me to do what?

That's how I felt about this time last year. I just wanted to have a direct phone call with God. All I kept thinking is "He called me to do what?"

Just about a year ago, God clearly called our family away from the church we had been attending for almost 8 years. It was the only church my girls knew. I was the church I landed in as a "grown up". I was the church all my friends attend. I was all I really knew as well.

As God prepared us for this move, He started to pull me out of all the things in which I was involved. He started quieting my time. In that quiet, I heard Him clearly. I watched how those changes affected my life. As I stopped being as involved, I started feeling some distance with friends.

My heart broke when we realized that was what was happening. If you don't know me really well, I'll just tell you that I don't like change (not that most people do). The other part here is that I have social anxiety. Making friends is very difficult for me and meeting people is even more difficult.

I think I was at my church for a year before I really allowed myself to talk to anyone. To be fair, I did come to that church very wounded and cried through every service for the first year. I don't think it's very much fun to go introduce myself to someone new with blood shot eyes and a running nose. Just as God planned, doors started opening for me to get involved at church. I started making friends and then meeting their friends and the next thing I knew, all my friends were from church or through church friends. I could literally trace all my friends back to church.

Nice and comfortable with all my friends, God spoke clearly into our lives in a moment of a family loss and asked us to leave. "Where?" we asked and there seemed to be no answer right away. At first, all we knew was where we were not to go. We went here and there....and after several months of feeling lost, God brought us to our current church this past summer.

We love our church but there are a few things that scared me right away about our church. First, I knew I wouldn't be going to church with any of my friends. Even though I had friends that happened to leave our church, I knew they wouldn't end up at the church we were. Second, this church was much smaller. This would seem like it would be easier to meet people, but that hasn't been the case. I met people at my last church through events and volunteering. Smaller church means less events and actually I need a break from volunteering for a bit. Lastly, our church is full of strangers. Every Sunday I go to church in a full on panic attack. I'm completely uncomfortable before and after church. When people approach me, I really want to die and somehow because I have the look of fear on my face, I'm pretty sure it keeps most anyone from approaching me anyhow.

The thing that has been the hardest about this move has been my friends. I used to count on seeing them at least once a week and chatting for at least a moment here and there. I seem to never see my friends anymore. I have a handful with whom I am good a keep in touch...the masses are gone. I don't get invited to events anymore from people I thought were my friends. I don't blame them...out of sight out of mind. They don't see me so they don't think to invite me to things. It's hard though, when the few with whom I do keep up, tell me the stories of this or that they did with such and so.

I used to have a calendar full of events related to church and events for friends. Now my calendar is my family busyness and that's it. I haven't made many new friends at my new church. I pray often that God will give me courage to talk to people and I have talked with a few here and there. I actually know several people at church already and that helps....but I miss my friends. I miss standing around after church talking about kids and husbands and life. I miss talking on the phone the next week about the sermon. I miss the impromptu trip to eat out together. I miss them.

I know our family is where we are called to be. I know God has a purpose for this move. I know we are apart of a mission not yet defined. I know this is right. My kids are excited to go to church. I look forward to every service. I love the worship and the sermons. I love the attitude of worship and I agree with the church's missions.

I just miss my friends.

Redemption: Undefined and Unrefined

For many years, I had no idea what redemption really was. I grew up Christian and knew the sacrifice that Christ made on the cross. I knew He redeemed me and that I had eternal life not by my own actions but by His blood. I knew a lot of things about redemption and I had experienced the "standard" redemption the Christ gives all of us, but I think there are specific redemptions that God plans for each of us. Those, I did not understand for quite some time.

I think there are things God redeems before we know we needed them redeemed. Those are the undefined redemptions.  They happen and we only can see them in hind sight. As we look back and reflect on a particularly rough time or trying situation, we can see God redemption in it. We can see His plan clearly and reflection defines the redemption. After all, hind sight is 20/20.

One of the undefined redemptions in my life is my marriage. In my first marriage we had struggles.  The truth is, there isn't a truly intimate relationship that doesn't have struggles. To make this story short, I came to realize my part when my first husband was already sick and in the ICU. God took me through an amazing healing process. He opened my eyes and groomed me and pruned me and recovered the dark areas of my heart. I became a new me, a softer me, a less bitter me, and a more loving me.

The sad thing is, it was too late. My husband never recovered. When he died, I was in the depths of redemption. I wanted to redeem this marriage. I grieved so much that I never got to be the wife a husband deserves. We didn't get to grow old together side by side loving each other till our senior days. God "fixed" me and I didn't get to live that out with my first husband...but like I said, this was an undefined redemption.

My redemption in marriage came. I didn't get to be that for my first husband, but he did get to see that I was learning and changing. I do get to live that with Ryan. Ryan was my undefined redemption. God redeemed me for an undefined future. He redeemed me so that I could be the wife a husband deserves, today. God created a new, softer and more loving me and stripped away my bitterness. I am a better wife today because of the pain through which I journeyed. 

There were many months I grieved that my first husband did not live to experience the new me. God gave me peace here. God redeemed this as well by reminding me that my first husband was in His care which was his redemption. My redemption was getting to live out the "new" me with Ryan...and so undefined redemptions are sometimes hard but the wait is always worth it.

As for the unrefined redemptions, I think those are of our own doing. You see, God has a perfect plan but the problem is that He made us human. We like to "fix" God's plans and by doing so we leave a messy trail along the way, unrefined.

When God took me through my healing process, He showed me who I was. I had bought into so many lies over the years that I really didn't know anything about myself, down to the type of pizza I liked. I always think of the scene in the movie "Runaway Bride" when Julia Roberts is trying a dozen different eggs to find out what she likes. She had always eaten eggs however her man at the time ate his eggs. Here I was, a full on grown up, that didn't know what I liked to eat, who I was or what my "style" was.

I went through a long and painful introspective process and learned a lot about who God designed me to be. Some of it was joyful and exciting. It was like Christmas morning, discovering all my likes and dislikes. Other parts were painful and I grieved some things over and over. 

One of the most important things God revealed in me was my calling. I am called to those who grieve. Wow, by the way, that was a fun one to discover. I am called to grieving. Ouch, come on God, really?!? I have spent a lifetime grieving, which of course is why I called to those who grieve. I understand it. I relate to it. I can cope with it. I feel close to God through it. I hear God clearing during it. I "get" grieving. 

Now, that is not to say that I grieve all the time or that God surrounds me with pain and suffering, though sometimes it feels like it. What I am saying is it is like the verses on season..."season to grieve". There are other seasons too. There are also other types of people. As a body, we need the people that understand grieving and those that understand rejoicing.

I just happen to be the friend that most of my friends know they can come and cry. They can share their pain and suffering. They can talk and I'll listen. Somehow, I seem to really understand it all. I can just relate to grief...and grief is unrefined. No one does it "well." It isn't something we want on the front page of the book of our life. Our darkest hours are just that. Grieving is just plan ugly.

So I live a life of unrefined redemption. God has called me to be the shoulder to cry on. I get the messes. I am often the first phone call when things go wrong. Don't get me wrong, sometimes it's hard, but the truth is, I'm called. I feel fulfilled in living this out with people, people I love, people I know and even people I just met. I am comfortable in the hospital waiting room. I don't get scared when people are hurting and crying. I'm not uncomfortable when people fall apart.

With that said, there is part of me that sees the other side and wonders, "Why Lord, did you call me to the pain and not the joy?" I do celebrate with others. I do hear the good things in their lives, but I'm not called to that. How is it that God called me to all this grieving and I'm good with it? It seems like you'd have to be stupid to be "happy" about being "sad."

At the end of the day, I usually do not get the first phone call when good things happen but I do get the "bad" phone calls. I have a lot of crying conversations and they aren't usually tears of joy. When things are really good, my phone is usually silent, but I'm a loyal, faithful friend and will always be available when needed. I have friends that I am the only one that has made it through their years of pain. I have friends that cry and I cry with often. 

To my wonderful friends: Please don't ever feel you need to apologize for being a mess with me. It's my calling. God gives me strength to walk with you through those hard time. He refills me so I can endure through the hard times with you. I understand your pain and want to walk through the valleys with you. I think of the footprints poem sometimes in a new way. Sometimes there are only one set because He carries you and even when there are two, sometimes He's carrying you and I'm walking along side. I hope you never feel alone in the dark time. I am waiting here to serve you in your pain and I love you.

Giving it all back...it was never mine in the beginning

There are so many things with which God has blessed me or my family. The list is so very long that I could start today and never finish. I feel amazingly blessed to be a child of God.

Through the month of November, many of my friends took to sharing 30 days of thanksgiving on FB. I enjoyed reading the many thanks my friends shared. It reminded me of the little and big things for which I was thankful as well. In the past several months I have not been on social networks as much since my much needed FB fast and therefore I did not commit to sharing things everyday in November. Nonetheless, I have many things for which I am thankful.

In December I am making a different kind of commitment based on my thankfulness. I am giving back everyday till the end of the year. This month reminds me of the ultimate gift: our Savior. He gave so that I could be saved. I want to live that out by giving what He calls me to give. Everyday I will be giving back and hope to share some of that here. Some things our family will give we will keep private and somethings we'll share. This is not about patting myself on the back for giving but to remind myself that I am blessed to give and I do not want to forget to do so.

I hope we have the opportunity to see different types of giving, meaning:
-gifts of things we do not need,
-gifts of things we do not use,
-gifts of things we have in abundance,
-gifts of service we can provide, 
but also
-gifts of things that will cause sacrifice &
-gifts of things that we may never get to see the blessings from the gift.

Yesterday I gave away a dog kennel that we have been storing in our garage.

Today: we'll just see what God is calling for us to give.

Blogging Princess

So I started this blog around Mother's day last year. I had been wanted to start a blog for some time. When I finally got around to it, it did way more than I thought it ever would. Now it seems to be the "in" thing and I find myself reading about many of my friends.

Some of my friends have picture blogs posting the pictures that capture the moment of their lives. I get to actually see a glimpse into their lives. Some post nearly every day just a few sentences or paragraphs. This is what blogs were originally intended to be...a web log or an online diary. It keeps me up to date of the happens in their homes and some pictures along the way as well. Then I have friends who are deeply introspective. They write less often and their posts are meaningful and blessing. They look hard at the moments of their lives and what God is doing and share what He is doing and what they have learned. Some of these friends post regularly on a specific day and others post as things come to them. Then I have the funny friends. I'm pretty sure they write to find some comedy in their lives but in actuality are laughing because they want to cry. They have funny posts that show pictures of kids putting lotion on the dog or the hubby who has left the lawn mower in the middle of the garage. All they really want to let some of it out and in the process I get to laugh a little. Then I have others that use their blog to promote an agenda whether that be sharing Christ or political views or financial advise.

For me, my blog is a little of everything! Sometimes I post pics of the events of our families. Sometimes I announce very serious things. Sometimes I write often and sometimes I wait until something happens. I share what God is doing in our lives and sometimes I cry about that and other times I laugh. When I was asked about what I blog, what's the focus or the purpose, I said I didn't know. I guess I was just putting myself out there for the world to see. God has called me to transparency. He has asked me to share and open myself up to whomever wants to listen. From my very first blog post I experienced God. In my very first post I was sharing about Mother's day. That became a very healing moment for relationship in my life.

So I guess I blog as a ministry of my life and what God is doing in it. Sometimes I just share the little moments. Sometimes I share the big things God is doing. Sometimes I share the heartbreak and grief I have experience. But always I share God in my story. I may not mention Him in every post, but He is evident in my life. My blog is God in me. The purpose is God's. The focus is Him. And the antics...well most of that is just me. I blog because He called me to do so. I don't know where that is taking me or who is listening. All I know is that I have found blessings in it. I may have said this once or twice before, but as always, thanks for listening.

Day 4 at the Care Point Part 2...Dedicating the David Hames Building

After the wonderful luncheon with the Gogos, we went over to dedicate a building being built in David Hames' honor. The building will be a preschool classroom on the care point.

Just a little information for those who do not know, David Hames was a member of Vanguard. He was a videographer that went to Swazi three years ago. Many of his video is part of the Beyond Survival website and provides information as well as swells hearts to hear about Swazi. In 2010, David was on another missions trip videoing in Haiti when the earthquake happened. He died in the wreckage. In his honor, is widow, Renee and her boys created a fund for Swazi. This building is being build from that fund.

Being a young widow as well, Renee's generosity spoke to me in a very powerful way. I was very impressed to see her give back to something her husband loved so much when her needs were and are great as well. David and Renee's boys are very young and they have a lifetime ahead of them. Being David was only 40 when he passed away, I have to assume that Renee and the boys will not be completely financial covered for as long as they will need it. She is a gracious and generous woman and this building being built is an honor to not only David but Renee and her boys.

As I was preparing for this trip, there were several times when I wondered what God had in store for me. I don't know that all of that has been revealed yet, but I do know that being at the dedication was very healing for me. I watched as some of Renee's very close friends broke as they stood in the building after we prayed and dedicated it. I watched them through a window as many from the team gathered around them, held them and prayed with them. I watch through this window frame and at that moment had great peace. I wrestled with that greatly.

I had once been the grieving widow whose friends gathered around and wept with me. Now I stood outside this building and watched. Renee was not there in Swazi, but her friends stood together and wept for her. I wrestled with wondering why I was not in there weeping too. I understood more than anyone there what the building represented. I lost a husband 3 1/2 years ago. That really isn't that long ago. I wondered why I had great peace. I wondered by I was looking at the sunset over the building watching Renee's friends through a window and was peaceful.

My mother had once described me as the girl that would cry with her friends when they were crying. When I overheard this description, I did not like it. I thought it showed that I was weak. As I grew up and faced the many things that I have, I started to understand that being able to grieve with others was God's gift to me. Grief is a painful thing. OK...that sounded a little obvious, but it's true. Grief hurts! There are many people that cannot stand in that pain with others. There are many that run from pain. There are many that leave their friends when they are in pain. But I am not one of them.

God has called me to the grieving. God has called me to help those who are stuck in grief. God has called me to walk with those who grieve. Because of this calling, I had to walk through great times of grief. Human nature would dictate that we trust those who understand and understanding comes from experience. In order to walk in my calling, I was going to have to loose much and grieve for a long time.

BUT...now I'm on the other side of this. The thing about helping others is we need to have learned from it and be in front of it. If I am crying so painfully hard about loosing my first husband, there is no way I can help someone talk about their losses. So I have peace and at this moment it was awkward.

We had been briefed before going to the care point that it may be hard to go off into the kitchen and eat lunch as we see these kids through the windows eating pap and beans but that was not something with which I struggled. The reality is that what I was eating would not keep them from being hungry. The food they are feeding the kids at the care point is fortified with protein will help keep their little tummies full being they only eat two times a day at the care point. That was a very logical answer for me and was easy for me to accept though I know others struggled with it.

My struggle came with the building dedication. You would think I would have rejoiced that I am not grieving anymore (or rather not weeping in grief anymore because I still grieve). You would think that would be a testimony to God's amazing healing power in my life and a blessing to be walking in such peace. All I could think is that I am called to the grieving and I am peaceful about that. I can watch a woman weep for her friend while "enjoying" the sunset giving God all the glory for the day. I feel blessed to be able to honor this man and his widow and their children. I wept as I talked about a personal experience with David and then I had peace. This is not the first time that God gave me "Peace that surpasses all understanding" and I'm sure it will not be the last.

At the end of the day, I know I needed to be on this particular trip to Swazi to stand in that building to pray over it and dedicate it to God. I know that God had something he wanted to tell me and I am so glad I was listening. My theme this past year has been Psalm 46:10 "He says, Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." On this day, I was still and He was exalted among the nations and in the earth. Thank you Lord for fulfilling part of Your plan for me this day. I pray I will always remember this and hold it close to my heart as a reminder that no matter what I may think, Your plan is always perfect for me.

Here are some pictures from this event. We all had red balloons and released them in honor of David's company that was called Red Balloon Productions in reference to one of his favorite films. They don't seem to really show what we experienced but here they are:

Kimberly with her balloon.

Amber blowing up her balloon in the doorway.

Hayden, a beautiful boy that has a deep relationship with David's sons.

Marty in the background...always need someone to break the tension.

Cody followed suit.

Through this balloon you can see Laura blowing up her balloon.

The team about to release the balloons.

The release.

After the release, this one balloon got caught in front of the building.

Sunset at the dedication.

Friends praying and weeping in their grief.

Prayers at sunset.

Laura placing a balloon in the building...it will be forever apart of the building.

A balloon in the wall.

Swazi...here I come.

This year I will be going on the trip to Swaziland, Africa with a group from my church. This will be the 5th and final year our church has committed to short term missions trips to Swazi. Making this decision has been a bit of a roller coaster.

The very first year they went, I did not feel called to go but tried to help others. Each year I have contributed in different ways from helping them take an extra bag of stuff to going to an adult prom. I got my hair cut for a fundraiser and donated an egg casserole for a Swazi breakfast. One year the girls' didn't have gifts at their birthday party but all the guests brought magnadoodles for the schools in Swazi. I have bought little items to support the Go-gos (which mean grandma) and have supported and prayed over others who have gone. Since the very first slide show the church showed us, my heart has been pricked to help this mission.

I knew I was called to go and finally this is my year. In fact, this was a premarital deal. I told Ryan before we got serious that I would be going to Africa in the next couple of years. I needed him to know that this was a calling on my life and that he would be okay with it when it came. He had his concerns then and they are the same now, but he is supporting me completely in amazing ways that words cannot explain.

Over the past several weeks as I approached walking in this decision, there have been several times when it seemed I was not going to be able to go. In fact, Friday afternoon it looked like it wasn't in the cards anymore. Then, by the grace of God, Monday afternoon the doors were opened again. I am going to Swaziland, Africa in June for two weeks.

The planning involved to go is insane. I have grandparents stepping up to help take care of kids while I'm gone (and I feel so blessed to have them). I have so many friends that have already helped just get the beginning things accomplished. Then of course I have kids that are concerned that they are going to go hungry while I'm gone and who is going to feed them, and we can't eat pizza for two weeks and where are we going to go while dad's at work, and...come on kids, like I really didn't have a plan. Take a breath. Then I realize they're freaking out because we have never been apart this long and possibly not even able to talk to me. The longest the girls were ever away from me was this summer, for one week, with their grandparents in FL and they talked to me for 45 minutes every night!

So there have been some hick ups in this process and I'm sure there are some more to come. The kids are worried but excited for me. My parents are helping with kids. My husband is being the most amazing cheer leader ever and is keeping me on track trying to get everything done to go. Now for the hard part...

This trip means there is a lot needed and so I have included the letter that I am sending out to family and friends. I have included it here for those who are in town (trying to save on the postage). I covet your prayers and any support you can give to this cause. Once again, thanks for listening!

Support Letter

Up and running…

Our family does not make New Year Resolutions. Instead, we make goals in three areas: God, family and personal. This year I committed to several things. Some I have accomplished already. Some are in the works and others I have fought the entire way. Every few months I look at my goals to see where I am.

Needless to say, I’m up and running. I am running in the blessings of the “already accomplished goals.” I am seeing the finish line on the “in the works goals.” The ones with which I am fighting, those still sit on my “to do list” every day and I poke them. Sometimes I scratch them, but I struggle to just “do” them.

One of the things I have been fighting with is this Blog. I am a writer. I don’t know that I was born a writer, but it was definitely a skill set that was nurtured in me by my mom. She was a writer. She loved to write. Somehow in her passing, I found my voice and now feel writing is honoring her.

So why commit to Blogging but then fight it? No one is asking me to do this (or rather no person is asking me to do this.) I do feel that God is asking me to become vulnerable through my writings in order to stretch out my hand of service in a “new” venue. I love the face to face chats. I love meeting my girl friends for coffee (even at their house or in mine) or chips and salsa or dinner. I love to see their face when we chat. I love to see the tears and let them see mine. I am very transparent with my gals and vulnerable in person.

Blogging is the same but different. I am being transparent and vulnerable, but I do not hear your voice, see your face and experience your emotions. I say it; it’s out there; there is no taking it back.

So why do I feel God is calling me to this? What could possibly be the purpose of Him calling me to Blog? Well, one of the first things I wrote opened doors I thought were bricked over. From that moment, I have experience the same thing over and over. I have renewed friendships. I have deepened relationships. I have peace in areas of my life that were wrestles. So why do I fight?

Well just because I have been blessed by this does not make it easier, it should but doesn’t. I do want to say this to those who listen, thank you. I don’t know who you are always and that’s the way it was designed. I pray that God uses me daily to spread His word and not mine. I ask that if this has “touched” you to share it. Oh and right up front I’m going to say I know I am long winded…I guess I have more to say than I thought.

I am living out my calling in ways I would not have designed for myself. All the same I know for sure that I am doing for what He has called me. I pray for all who listen that God will bless your lives. OK, back to being up and running…no more fighting here.