Friday will mark two years of marriage with Ryan. He is the man of my dreams. He is my other half. He is my partner in life. He is my rock. He is the leader of our family. He is my spiritual protection. He is gentle. He is kind. He is patient. He is humble. He is smart. He is brave. He is more than I knew to ask of God and he is the redemption God had planned for me.
However, six years ago, I was a young wife and mother who was about to walk through the darkest days of my life. I did not know what was coming and if I had, I probably would have run. On this side of things I can say in confidence with my 20/20-hindsight-vision that it was worth it. When I was there, I only asked “why” over and over and over again. I never have received an answer.
I remember walking through my first husband’s sickness hurting and weary. I remember feeling like it was never going to end. I remember begging God to heal him. I remember falling asleep at night listening to the beeping of the hospital machines. I remember dedicating my life to taking care of all his needs. I remember praying for a miracle and then I remember when it ended. I remember telling my friends to leave the hospital and I got in my car. I remember getting onto the interstate and then three exits from my parent’s house I screamed. I screamed and cry and yelled “WHY, why, why God. Why wasn’t he the one to receive a miracle? Why is this the plan for me? Why?”
Those days seemed long then. I was very lonely. I cried myself to sleep every night and woke up crying. I cried in the shower. I cried every moment I was alone. When the kids were home, I put on my “face” and carried on with life but then sometimes, I cried with them. I would cry because he was going to miss a sunset or never ski again. I would cry to think that he would miss walking the girls down the aisle (even though that is still very far away). I would call a friend and ask a question and then just cry. A friend would stop by to check on me and I would just cry. Then I would cry about how much I was crying and how I was drowning my friend in my tears. They would reassure me and I would cry some more. I thought I would never stop crying.
One night, I just fell asleep without crying. After a while those nights came more often and soon several in a row. At some point, I noticed the sun was shining and the mountains were beautiful and I did not cry about it. I started to smile. I started to laugh. Every once in a while, I would cry again (and sometimes I still do). I will always miss him. We spent eight years together. He was all I knew. I was so very young when we met.
Today, as I think about being married to Ryan, I see so much more. I see the things that God wanted me to have after that storm. Ryan is not “better” he’s different. I cannot and will not compare them. I can say that Ryan is my redemption. Ryan is the picture of what God was doing in me when I journeyed through the “valley of the shadow of death” and some of His comfort came much later. Ryan is a miracle in my life. Ryan and I have been blessed so much and some of that I attribute to the promises God gave to me in the midst of the storms. I know that the future will still have bumps but I also believe one thing that has stayed with me all these years from a sermon Pastor Kelly gave many years ago. He said that the bigger the storm, the bigger the miracle would be. I held onto that during the storms and now I am walking in the miracles. Thank you Lord for those little things with which you comfort us that carry us through the valleys.
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