In my silence...

There has been a silence for a while now. I have not been on social networks or blogging. I have not been reaching out to those close to me. I have been withdrawing for a little while now. I am seeing this and I am aware. Little by little, I've become quieter and quieter and now almost silent.

I am blogging today to break that silence. I've been hurting and isolating and now, I am breaking the cycle.

Nothing in my life right now really explains the reasons for these actions right now. I am hurting but there is no direct trauma that would explain this. I am just wrestling with my life as it is right now.

Right now, my job is being a mom and a wife. I have been cooking and cleaning and running kids around town. That's it. It's been a long time since I was simply doing just those things. I usually have some PTO committee to run or a project at church. I usually go to school full time or have some part time job to bring in a little extra. The only time I haven't had all those things on my plate, I was grieving the loss of a loved one. I know I am not called to pick up extra things just to be busy but I am struggling with finding purpose in what I am doing. I know I am a good mom and wife. I know this and love it. I am just struggling with these being the only "jobs" I have right now.

Today, all I HAVE to do is take kids to school, pick them up from school, work with them on homework and make my family a meal. My house could use some love but it's not something that HAS to be done. So I only do what I have to do.

Right now I just want to say thank you. My husband is amazing and my friends are top notch. They have heard my struggle in the few words I have spoken. They have called me out on it and asked me what I was going to do to get through this. They have not left me alone and even those who did not know how much I was struggling or that I was struggling, somehow appeared at the right time to just sit with me or talk on the phone. They are walking with me as I figure out what I am going to do next. Thank you. I am blessed to be surrounded by Godly and wise people. I am blessed to have people who care about me.

I know I am not alone in this. I have never felt alone in this. I will be victorious and find the way and as I do, thank you for being there for me.