And then there were none...

I am a widow.

Being remarried does not remove that title. I will always be a widow. My first husband died and forever gave me this title though over time, it seems to have gotten lost.

As I dug out the Christmas ornaments this year, I was reminded of this. Each year, each member of my family gets an ornament from me (I even get myself one). It was hard to see some of these ornaments and remember Christmases past.

I remember meeting with a friend shortly after my first husband died. She too is a widow and was already remarried when we first met. She told me all kinds of things that happened to her that I couldn't even believe would ever happen to me. She told me that one by one, the family and friends seem to  disappear. The life before becomes a distant memory.

At first, all our friends and his friends rallied around me. They comforted me and supported me. They didn't let me be alone. They bought gifts for my kids. They celebrated holidays with us. They invited us to all their big events.

Then I started hearing about events through the grapevine and wasn't invited. I found out people had babies and got married but we didn't get announcements let alone invitations. Phone calls weren't always returned and then I called one day and didn't even have the right phone number anymore. One day I noticed I wasn't friends with many of them on FB anymore.

I kept thinking this couldn't be true. These people were my husband's best friends, our friends and family. They were in or at our wedding. They were at our baby shower. They came to our parties and we came to theirs. Where did they go?

All of the sudden I realized that it had happened. One by one they all moved on and did not want to dwell on the past. Though I do not want to dwell either, I can say that it has just been another thing to grieve. Not only have I lost my husband, but too many parts of the life we had.

My kids were so young when they lost their dad and there is hardly anyone in their life to share with them about their dad, about the memories they had of him, about who he was. I only had him for eight years (not even a third of his life). Every child wants to hear about what their parents were like when they were younger.

The sad thing is that my kids have moved on as well. They don't ask about him as much. They don't ask about his friends or what he was like. Honestly, I don't share about him as much either. We have all moved forward...BUT he is still apart of our family. He is still important to us.

I haven't written this because I'm upset with people for moving on. I write this because there was a time when I thought I would never be able to move past this. I thought I would never get over loosing him. I thought it would still hurt when our friends started to drift away. I thought I would always feel lost,  always grieve, never feel home again and never love again.

I thank God daily for the life for which He has blessed us. I thank Him for the love He gave me. I do still grieve and holidays are still hard. I miss our friends and family but I love the friends that are still around, are new and all the new, big family.