Kicking it into high gear.

So I'll be doing a craft show to sell some of my knitted things this Saturday at Handmade Hollyday.

Handmade Hollyday

I want to try to see what the response is to my "stuff". If people seem to like it, I'll be launching my store on Etsy.com this weekend. I feel like this just came out of nowhere. I woke up one morning and couldn't wait to knit. I fell asleep with knitting needles in hand.

So here's a few preview pics of some of my "stuff". It'll be called Renee's Ravels & all my items are named things starting with an "R". Hope you like it. If you see something you'd like to get for someone special this holiday season, send me a message and I'll make it happen!

Resounding Scarf

Rage Scarf

Repeat Scarf

Relax Hat

Rappers Fingerless Mittens

Ruffles Scarf

Rumples Boot Covers/Leg Warmers

Ringing Cowl/Neck Warmer

Rogue Scarf/Shawl

There's no place like home.

No, I did not jump in a tornado and find myself on the other side of the rainbow, but I did find my way home. I wasn't lost, just moved. When you move, you have to find "home" again. For us, this home we had to find was a church home.

It was a very long journey. I was very sad to have left Vanguard. When God called us away, there was a silence that came with that. It was really hard to here God say this chapter is over but then not tell us what was going to be next. I found myself searching for any answer and was feeling a bit dazed.

Ryan and I talked and made that list of needs and wants for the new church. We would love it if God called us to a church about this big, that had a great such and such ministry and that was about this far away that had services around this time and blah, blah, blah. I think God laughed a little and said no to all of those things. He said He wanted us to be connect and He wanted us to feel called and He wanted us to hear Him. Oh. Got it. Sorry about that.

So He took us to Boulder Street Church (BSC). It was none of the things on our "list" but we felt Him...felt Him speak to us, felt Him call us, and just felt Him. I was taken over by what I can only call but feeling like I was home. Of course, we didn't want to make that decision right away. We committed to trying it several weeks in a row and still continued to discuss visiting other places, but after our several weeks in a row, we decided we were home. I was overjoyed that after this six month journey we were home...and then I grieved deeply.

When we left Vanguard, we were not broken or hurt. We loved Vanguard. There were days I prayed that God would not call us away. New things are scary and I love Vanguard. I knew God was very direct when He called us away. I knew we were walking into a new chapter of our lives and everything told us we were being called a different direction, but I still believe in Vanguard's mission and I love Vanguard. Making BSC our home meant that I really wasn't going to Vanguard anymore.

One day I just fell apart. I told Ryan that it just wasn't the way it was "supposed" to be. I have a wonderful life and God has blessed me in ways I cannot explain....but. But I missed my friends. But I don't like change. But I was feeling alone. But I wasn't going where I thought I would be going right now. But...but...but.

At the end of the "but" tunnel, I came out of the other side a little sad, a little lonely, very excited and very blessed. I am a little sad that after church when I'm talking to friends, they are all new friends. I am a little lonely when I go to a church function and my best friends are not there. I am very excited to see where God will call me to serve at BSC and I am very blessed to be home.

Thank you Lord for taking our family on this journey, for blessing it and giving us direction and peace. Thank you all who joined with us in prayer as we went on this journey and as always...thanks for listening.

You're like a grandma knitting all the time...

Umm, thanks! This is what a friend said to me recently.

I'm sure some of you have noticed the my Facebook has been rather silent and I haven't blogged in quite some time. Here's the good news, it's because I have found a new love...KNITTING! Yep, that's right, I thought I would get my grandma stuff done early. Then maybe when my kids are grown and out of the house I'll go crazy and do the "young" people stuff, like sky diving and going on a roller coaster tour of the US.

Anyway, I blogged several months ago about knitting. I decided to clean out stuff in my basement that was just taking up space and not being used. I had inherited my mom's knitting stuff and had a little of my own from when she tried to teach me. It was only in a couple small boxes in the corner of my basement, but it wasn't being used. I decided to see if I liked knitting and if not, I was going to get rid of the boxes. So along I started...thank goodness for the internet. I watched the same videos over and over and over. I made 1,000 mistakes and the videos showed me how to fix them. I knitting a scarf. It took FOREVER and looked like a drunken sailor knitted it. I thought for sure there was no way I was ever going to make anything at which you would want to look and certainly not want to wear. But my commitment was 3 scarfs (one for each of the girls). By the 3rd scarf I was off and running. I was looking at patterns online, I had mastered a couple of neat "tricks" and I found out I LOVE IT!

So grandma-ing away, I knit all day. I have found some things I really like to knit. It was amazing to me how big of a community is out there of people that like to knit (and were not grandmas, though I love talking to the grandmas too). I certainly do not have my mom's beautiful perfect stitches, but I have found plenty of patterns that hide that nicely.

I have decided to turn it into a business and will be launching my stuff online at Etsy.com soon. As soon as I do, I will post pics and info here. So here I come. I am a knitting monster!

In my silence...

There has been a silence for a while now. I have not been on social networks or blogging. I have not been reaching out to those close to me. I have been withdrawing for a little while now. I am seeing this and I am aware. Little by little, I've become quieter and quieter and now almost silent.

I am blogging today to break that silence. I've been hurting and isolating and now, I am breaking the cycle.

Nothing in my life right now really explains the reasons for these actions right now. I am hurting but there is no direct trauma that would explain this. I am just wrestling with my life as it is right now.

Right now, my job is being a mom and a wife. I have been cooking and cleaning and running kids around town. That's it. It's been a long time since I was simply doing just those things. I usually have some PTO committee to run or a project at church. I usually go to school full time or have some part time job to bring in a little extra. The only time I haven't had all those things on my plate, I was grieving the loss of a loved one. I know I am not called to pick up extra things just to be busy but I am struggling with finding purpose in what I am doing. I know I am a good mom and wife. I know this and love it. I am just struggling with these being the only "jobs" I have right now.

Today, all I HAVE to do is take kids to school, pick them up from school, work with them on homework and make my family a meal. My house could use some love but it's not something that HAS to be done. So I only do what I have to do.

Right now I just want to say thank you. My husband is amazing and my friends are top notch. They have heard my struggle in the few words I have spoken. They have called me out on it and asked me what I was going to do to get through this. They have not left me alone and even those who did not know how much I was struggling or that I was struggling, somehow appeared at the right time to just sit with me or talk on the phone. They are walking with me as I figure out what I am going to do next. Thank you. I am blessed to be surrounded by Godly and wise people. I am blessed to have people who care about me.

I know I am not alone in this. I have never felt alone in this. I will be victorious and find the way and as I do, thank you for being there for me.

Anniversary weekend on a dime...

Ryan and I have been married 2 years as of Friday. This year, of course, our budget didn't allow a costly celebration. I would have liked to take a trip (even just out of town) over night or for the weekend. The budget, however, did not agree. In fact the budget really didn't want us to do anything that could cost anything.

The thing about a budget is that there are fluid parts of it and hard and fast parts of if. There are bills that have to be paid and there is no wiggle room whatsoever. Then there are things like the food budget and even the gas budget. If I refrain from running around town, I'll save on gas. I try to lump all errands on the same day and make them happen to or from a destination to where I am already going, such as dropping kids off at school. As for the food budget, I can start with what I already have in the cupboards and build from there sometimes choosing canned chicken over fresh or making breakfast for dinner because eggs and pancakes are cheap.

These are all great ideas but when it comes down to it, there is only so much savings I can squeeze out and with dental bills and medical bills, there wasn't much left for a weekend let alone a night away this year. That didn't stop us from celebrating!

For three years now, we have been blessed to celebrate with our friends Beth and Wes. We share an anniversary weekend, ours is the 9th and theirs is the 11th. We even went on our honeymoon with them to Las Vegas so they could renew their vows (it was their 10th anniversary that year). This is something I look forward to every year. Busy lives do not always make it so we can get together as often as we would like. Beth and I talk pretty regularly and our families get together here and there but there isn't a lot of time as couples. I always know we'll have once a year to sit down for dinner as couples and just catch up.

This year we decided to go to HuHot for dinner. None of us had been and we'd heard some great things about it. What was really nice is that if fit the budget. Dinner was nice, conversation was wonderful and we all overate. Then Ryan and I went to Itopit for frozen yogurt (being another couple got us hooked-thanks Sam & Troy). We enjoyed a nice dessert and then we went home. The kids were at his parents for the evening so we just watch movies and had alone time. Ryan had the next day off and so we slept in the following morning.

Later that day we went shopping, just the two of us. I used a gift card to get a little something for me and he had a gift card to get a little something for him. We ending up spending less than $15 for both items! It was nice to spend time together and get something we wanted and not needed because when you're living on a tight budget, wants are the first thing to go.

It was low key and mostly uneventful but as parents of a large family, it was just what we needed. I hope there is a little more in the budget next year to leave our house but truly enjoyed staying home this year. Honestly, I'm not the big celebration kind of girl and it was nice to just sit.

When I walked through the Shadows of Death...You comforted me.

Friday will mark two years of marriage with Ryan. He is the man of my dreams. He is my other half. He is my partner in life. He is my rock. He is the leader of our family. He is my spiritual protection. He is gentle. He is kind. He is patient. He is humble. He is smart. He is brave. He is more than I knew to ask of God and he is the redemption God had planned for me.

However, six years ago, I was a young wife and mother who was about to walk through the darkest days of my life. I did not know what was coming and if I had, I probably would have run. On this side of things I can say in confidence with my 20/20-hindsight-vision that it was worth it. When I was there, I only asked “why” over and over and over again. I never have received an answer.

I remember walking through my first husband’s sickness hurting and weary. I remember feeling like it was never going to end. I remember begging God to heal him. I remember falling asleep at night listening to the beeping of the hospital machines. I remember dedicating my life to taking care of all his needs. I remember praying for a miracle and then I remember when it ended. I remember telling my friends to leave the hospital and I got in my car. I remember getting onto the interstate and then three exits from my parent’s house I screamed. I screamed and cry and yelled “WHY, why, why God. Why wasn’t he the one to receive a miracle? Why is this the plan for me? Why?”

Those days seemed long then. I was very lonely. I cried myself to sleep every night and woke up crying. I cried in the shower. I cried every moment I was alone. When the kids were home, I put on my “face” and carried on with life but then sometimes, I cried with them. I would cry because he was going to miss a sunset or never ski again. I would cry to think that he would miss walking the girls down the aisle (even though that is still very far away). I would call a friend and ask a question and then just cry. A friend would stop by to check on me and I would just cry. Then I would cry about how much I was crying and how I was drowning my friend in my tears. They would reassure me and I would cry some more. I thought I would never stop crying.

One night, I just fell asleep without crying. After a while those nights came more often and soon several in a row. At some point, I noticed the sun was shining and the mountains were beautiful and I did not cry about it. I started to smile. I started to laugh. Every once in a while, I would cry again (and sometimes I still do). I will always miss him. We spent eight years together. He was all I knew. I was so very young when we met.

Today, as I think about being married to Ryan, I see so much more. I see the things that God wanted me to have after that storm. Ryan is not “better” he’s different. I cannot and will not compare them. I can say that Ryan is my redemption. Ryan is the picture of what God was doing in me when I journeyed through the “valley of the shadow of death” and some of His comfort came much later. Ryan is a miracle in my life. Ryan and I have been blessed so much and some of that I attribute to the promises God gave to me in the midst of the storms. I know that the future will still have bumps but I also believe one thing that has stayed with me all these years from a sermon Pastor Kelly gave many years ago. He said that the bigger the storm, the bigger the miracle would be. I held onto that during the storms and now I am walking in the miracles. Thank you Lord for those little things with which you comfort us that carry us through the valleys.

Jack of all trades but master of none.

So, I have baked a few treats but I wouldn’t say I’m know for my baking. In fact, I wouldn’t even say I enjoy baking but if I had to whip up something for this or that, I certainly could. I have a few tried and true family favorites. They tend to be things that are simple and require very little measuring or direction following (since I seem in capable of both).

I can knit, but I am in NO way a knitter. I look at the beautiful pieces my mom made and think that we’re probably not doing the same thing at all. I can knit a scarf and maybe a blanket (very simple one of course, once again with very little direction following). If my life depended on it, I probably could follow a pattern and make something a little more complicated than a scarf.

I can sew but I’m certainly not a seamstress. In fact, I think I have to get out the instructions to my sewing machine every time I need to mend anything. The fact that I have two sewing machines complicated the matter even more. Both of them I received from my mom who used to sew my clothes when I was young. My method of sewing now is taking things to my step-mom or I could probably take it to my mother-in-law. So far, this has worked very well and I’m good at asking for help.

I could play piano, flute and guitar. I have played the saxophone (a couple times) and could probably learn to play my daughter’s clarinet. The only thing I can still play is piano and not very many things nor very well. It didn’t matter how much I practiced or how many years I played, I was never a star, didn’t have that “natural” born talent.

I was an art major for half a second in college but I can’t draw, paint or sculpt anything recognizable. I think I painted a sunflower once that, in my opinion, looked nice enough (I wouldn’t call it fine art or anything). It wouldn’t be shown in a gallery or a studio and in fact, I don’t even have it displayed in my own home. My mother painted some beautiful paintings that hung in our home when I was growing up. They may not have been considered fine art either, but they were definitely worthy of displaying.

As I look at my life, I can say that my very talented mother exposed me to many thing and taught me many things. She taught me to bake (and I hate it). She taught me to knit, and I’m thinking I really don’t care for it either (being I’m not very good). She taught me to sew and (once again) I hate it. She got me piano lessons and flute lessons. She exposed me to a world of music. Though I love music, I never really loved playing though I do on occasion (it can be very therapeutic).

It used to pain me that I couldn’t do things as well as my mom. Here I am a “happy homemaker” and my mother worked full time. I can’t do many of the things my mom taught me that would be helpful as a homemaker. I don’t know that I would consider myself a master of most things in the home economics department.

Here’s the thing, I’m okay with all of that. I’ll probably never bake a masterpiece or knit a sweater, sew a quilt or paint a work of art. I do, however, have a happy home and try a few new things every year. I have my home filled with happy memories and I surround my family with loving, wonderful family and friends. Most of all, I teach my kids about God and His love. I teach them that boundaries are loving and I will love them all my life. I’ll expose them to new things and teach them the little I know about baking, sewing or knitting and what I don’t know about those things, I’ll try to learn from a friend or worst case scenario, I’ll Google it. The one thing I know how to do really well is ask for help!