Last Blog of the Year...

It's been an interesting year. Many things have happened that I would have never imagined. I'm not sure that I could have expected this year or planned for it and don't know if I've really "recovered" from all the events of the year quite yet.


I looked back to see what my 2011 goals are and there are many that I have completely fallen short of even being able to say I completed them. There are others that I did "better" than years previous and some that I feel proud to say I accomplished my goal.


So as to the 2011 recap, I have several different goals categories: Spiritual, Personal, Relational, Physical & Financial. 


I would say my Spiritual goals are always a work in progress. I feel closer to God and have felt His calling on my life strongly this year. I was able to travel to Africa and while I did struggle being there because of family struggles at home. I felt God move in my life while there. Many things became clear in my journey in the very last moments of the trip. I was able to see God in a new way and find a passion that I have always prayed God would instill in me. 


Our family journeyed away from Vanguard Church. It was a painful move in that we didn't want to go. We loved our family there and that community is one I can say I learned what community truly was but God was very clear and we obeyed. We found a new church home at Boulder Street church and are looking forward to what doors God may open for us in ministry and leadership as well as growth for this church. Our kids are on fire for God and that excites me as a parent. 


This year has been a year of spiritually investing in my friends. It has been a give and take. There are some amazing women (and you know who you are) that have prayed over me, with me and for my family. I have been able to walk with several friends through dark valleys and high mountains. I have cried with almost all of them and feel blessed to pour into them all that God has blessed me and receive all the blessings they pour on me. Thanks ladies! I love you all! Life is beautiful and blessed somewhat because you remind me that it is!


As to my personal goals I can say that I did Blog more, read more and Facebook less. I didn't journal at all nor write letters to my loved ones. I think the Blogging served as journaling and there were many blog posts that never got published being they were very private so in some ways...I guess I did journal. I guess I was partially successful here.


My relational goals are also like my spiritual goals and always a work in progress. We did instill date nights with the kids and so far they have gone really well. We haven't done as many as I would like but I have to remind myself we have 4 kids! I think we each have had a one on one date with each kid. Our kids are enjoying it and looking forward to it. Some of the dates have been a lot of work and others just flowed. It's interesting to see what the kids want to do. I actually sat at a yarn store with one of the kids and looked at pattern books for a couple hours. Afterwards, she said she would love to do that again. It was a moment when I realized that though it was something I enjoyed, she loved just spending time with me and seeing what I liked. She keeps asking when we'll do that again. I feel blessed to have kids that love me and my passions and want to be apart of them because sure feel the same way about them!


As to my physical goals...this year is a bust. For the first time in my life, I have not worked out consistently. My girlfriends and I were talking about this for a bit because it really bothered me. I have always been the friend in my group that got them to go outside and walk or jog or run (okay mostly walk). I have been the one that got up before my family woke up to walk or swim. I like to be active. The only time in my life I wasn't working out was post babies (c-sections & working out don't mix). I'm a bit of a health nut and in fact it was one of the first things one of my friends remember about me. I made a salad for a pot luck and everything in it was organic. I like to be the one that can eat what I like but work out to afford that luxury and I would rather eat raw, organic cheese and rice crackers than any sweets ever. When Ryan and I married, it was one of the things we loved about each other...we loved to be healthy. I changed a lot of the foods in our diet and have stuck to most of it. This year, something happened and I haven't been to the gym in SIX months. I think I've worked through most of the things that I think have been apart of that and hope for a more successful workout year.


As to our financial goals, mostly we keep those private but I will say this year we have done what we said we would. We have stuck to a budget and made future plans. We have been able to do many things we wanted and still have several long term goals in the works. 


All of this was really for me. I needed to see in black in white what I've done this year. I'm by no means patting myself on the back but I am saying that 2011 was a year that I did move forward. I'm looking forward to 2012 and hope to put some goals together in the next several days and blog a little about that then. Like I have said before, I don't believe in resolutions but goals. If I'm going to resolve to break bad habits and make new ones, I'm not going to wait till January 1st to do so. I need to take those things on as they arise. I feel I've done that this year. So here's to next year...it's a way to mark the time, reflect and celebrate. I plan on doing all of that today!


As always, thanks for listening.

And then there were none...

I am a widow.

Being remarried does not remove that title. I will always be a widow. My first husband died and forever gave me this title though over time, it seems to have gotten lost.

As I dug out the Christmas ornaments this year, I was reminded of this. Each year, each member of my family gets an ornament from me (I even get myself one). It was hard to see some of these ornaments and remember Christmases past.

I remember meeting with a friend shortly after my first husband died. She too is a widow and was already remarried when we first met. She told me all kinds of things that happened to her that I couldn't even believe would ever happen to me. She told me that one by one, the family and friends seem to  disappear. The life before becomes a distant memory.

At first, all our friends and his friends rallied around me. They comforted me and supported me. They didn't let me be alone. They bought gifts for my kids. They celebrated holidays with us. They invited us to all their big events.

Then I started hearing about events through the grapevine and wasn't invited. I found out people had babies and got married but we didn't get announcements let alone invitations. Phone calls weren't always returned and then I called one day and didn't even have the right phone number anymore. One day I noticed I wasn't friends with many of them on FB anymore.

I kept thinking this couldn't be true. These people were my husband's best friends, our friends and family. They were in or at our wedding. They were at our baby shower. They came to our parties and we came to theirs. Where did they go?

All of the sudden I realized that it had happened. One by one they all moved on and did not want to dwell on the past. Though I do not want to dwell either, I can say that it has just been another thing to grieve. Not only have I lost my husband, but too many parts of the life we had.

My kids were so young when they lost their dad and there is hardly anyone in their life to share with them about their dad, about the memories they had of him, about who he was. I only had him for eight years (not even a third of his life). Every child wants to hear about what their parents were like when they were younger.

The sad thing is that my kids have moved on as well. They don't ask about him as much. They don't ask about his friends or what he was like. Honestly, I don't share about him as much either. We have all moved forward...BUT he is still apart of our family. He is still important to us.

I haven't written this because I'm upset with people for moving on. I write this because there was a time when I thought I would never be able to move past this. I thought I would never get over loosing him. I thought it would still hurt when our friends started to drift away. I thought I would always feel lost,  always grieve, never feel home again and never love again.

I thank God daily for the life for which He has blessed us. I thank Him for the love He gave me. I do still grieve and holidays are still hard. I miss our friends and family but I love the friends that are still around, are new and all the new, big family.

I don't want to be just like you

There are many things that I want for my kids. I want them to be happy, healthy, loved and loving. I want them to experience life and follow God's will for their lives. I want them to be generous and blessed. I want them to be passionate and forgiving. I'm sure everyone reading this is nodding their heads. You may want this for your children or just for yourself. These are values we seek as a human race as well as Christians.

What I don't want for my kids is them to get caught up in the "American Way" of getting the next best thing, keeping up with the Jones and never getting all they WANT. At Christmas, I see this all around us. The TV ads are filled with "selling" my kids on the next greatest and best fad or toy. This gets them  talking about what they want and what their friends want. So I shared with them this week about what I want for them.

I want them to want to give back this month. I gave them lots of examples on the way to school one morning and asked them to each come up with something to give. They all had great answers though at that hour, I think it was a bit difficult. However, I was pleasantly surprised that they shared more ideas with me later that evening. I told them I don't want them to be just like everyone else. I want them to not feel like they are driven by wants. They seem excited to give and have started making lists of things that can give. I told them we would help them with some things they may not be able to do on their own but I have found they have already come up with several things they don't need help accomplishing.

So here's some of the things my kids are going to give or have already given:

-popcorn to share with the class
-white elephant gift
-secret Santa gift
-small gifts for their siblings and grandparents (some purchased & some made)
AND then my favorite:
-MONEY to get uniforms for kids in Rwanda so they can go to school!

I'm sure there will be more. I'm seeing their generous hearts. I am blessed to have wonderful kids!

Giving it all back...it was never mine in the beginning

There are so many things with which God has blessed me or my family. The list is so very long that I could start today and never finish. I feel amazingly blessed to be a child of God.

Through the month of November, many of my friends took to sharing 30 days of thanksgiving on FB. I enjoyed reading the many thanks my friends shared. It reminded me of the little and big things for which I was thankful as well. In the past several months I have not been on social networks as much since my much needed FB fast and therefore I did not commit to sharing things everyday in November. Nonetheless, I have many things for which I am thankful.

In December I am making a different kind of commitment based on my thankfulness. I am giving back everyday till the end of the year. This month reminds me of the ultimate gift: our Savior. He gave so that I could be saved. I want to live that out by giving what He calls me to give. Everyday I will be giving back and hope to share some of that here. Some things our family will give we will keep private and somethings we'll share. This is not about patting myself on the back for giving but to remind myself that I am blessed to give and I do not want to forget to do so.

I hope we have the opportunity to see different types of giving, meaning:
-gifts of things we do not need,
-gifts of things we do not use,
-gifts of things we have in abundance,
-gifts of service we can provide, 
but also
-gifts of things that will cause sacrifice &
-gifts of things that we may never get to see the blessings from the gift.

Yesterday I gave away a dog kennel that we have been storing in our garage.

Today: we'll just see what God is calling for us to give.

Kicking it into high gear.

So I'll be doing a craft show to sell some of my knitted things this Saturday at Handmade Hollyday.

Handmade Hollyday

I want to try to see what the response is to my "stuff". If people seem to like it, I'll be launching my store on Etsy.com this weekend. I feel like this just came out of nowhere. I woke up one morning and couldn't wait to knit. I fell asleep with knitting needles in hand.

So here's a few preview pics of some of my "stuff". It'll be called Renee's Ravels & all my items are named things starting with an "R". Hope you like it. If you see something you'd like to get for someone special this holiday season, send me a message and I'll make it happen!

Resounding Scarf

Rage Scarf

Repeat Scarf

Relax Hat

Rappers Fingerless Mittens

Ruffles Scarf

Rumples Boot Covers/Leg Warmers

Ringing Cowl/Neck Warmer

Rogue Scarf/Shawl

There's no place like home.

No, I did not jump in a tornado and find myself on the other side of the rainbow, but I did find my way home. I wasn't lost, just moved. When you move, you have to find "home" again. For us, this home we had to find was a church home.

It was a very long journey. I was very sad to have left Vanguard. When God called us away, there was a silence that came with that. It was really hard to here God say this chapter is over but then not tell us what was going to be next. I found myself searching for any answer and was feeling a bit dazed.

Ryan and I talked and made that list of needs and wants for the new church. We would love it if God called us to a church about this big, that had a great such and such ministry and that was about this far away that had services around this time and blah, blah, blah. I think God laughed a little and said no to all of those things. He said He wanted us to be connect and He wanted us to feel called and He wanted us to hear Him. Oh. Got it. Sorry about that.

So He took us to Boulder Street Church (BSC). It was none of the things on our "list" but we felt Him...felt Him speak to us, felt Him call us, and just felt Him. I was taken over by what I can only call but feeling like I was home. Of course, we didn't want to make that decision right away. We committed to trying it several weeks in a row and still continued to discuss visiting other places, but after our several weeks in a row, we decided we were home. I was overjoyed that after this six month journey we were home...and then I grieved deeply.

When we left Vanguard, we were not broken or hurt. We loved Vanguard. There were days I prayed that God would not call us away. New things are scary and I love Vanguard. I knew God was very direct when He called us away. I knew we were walking into a new chapter of our lives and everything told us we were being called a different direction, but I still believe in Vanguard's mission and I love Vanguard. Making BSC our home meant that I really wasn't going to Vanguard anymore.

One day I just fell apart. I told Ryan that it just wasn't the way it was "supposed" to be. I have a wonderful life and God has blessed me in ways I cannot explain....but. But I missed my friends. But I don't like change. But I was feeling alone. But I wasn't going where I thought I would be going right now. But...but...but.

At the end of the "but" tunnel, I came out of the other side a little sad, a little lonely, very excited and very blessed. I am a little sad that after church when I'm talking to friends, they are all new friends. I am a little lonely when I go to a church function and my best friends are not there. I am very excited to see where God will call me to serve at BSC and I am very blessed to be home.

Thank you Lord for taking our family on this journey, for blessing it and giving us direction and peace. Thank you all who joined with us in prayer as we went on this journey and as always...thanks for listening.

You're like a grandma knitting all the time...

Umm, thanks! This is what a friend said to me recently.

I'm sure some of you have noticed the my Facebook has been rather silent and I haven't blogged in quite some time. Here's the good news, it's because I have found a new love...KNITTING! Yep, that's right, I thought I would get my grandma stuff done early. Then maybe when my kids are grown and out of the house I'll go crazy and do the "young" people stuff, like sky diving and going on a roller coaster tour of the US.

Anyway, I blogged several months ago about knitting. I decided to clean out stuff in my basement that was just taking up space and not being used. I had inherited my mom's knitting stuff and had a little of my own from when she tried to teach me. It was only in a couple small boxes in the corner of my basement, but it wasn't being used. I decided to see if I liked knitting and if not, I was going to get rid of the boxes. So along I started...thank goodness for the internet. I watched the same videos over and over and over. I made 1,000 mistakes and the videos showed me how to fix them. I knitting a scarf. It took FOREVER and looked like a drunken sailor knitted it. I thought for sure there was no way I was ever going to make anything at which you would want to look and certainly not want to wear. But my commitment was 3 scarfs (one for each of the girls). By the 3rd scarf I was off and running. I was looking at patterns online, I had mastered a couple of neat "tricks" and I found out I LOVE IT!

So grandma-ing away, I knit all day. I have found some things I really like to knit. It was amazing to me how big of a community is out there of people that like to knit (and were not grandmas, though I love talking to the grandmas too). I certainly do not have my mom's beautiful perfect stitches, but I have found plenty of patterns that hide that nicely.

I have decided to turn it into a business and will be launching my stuff online at Etsy.com soon. As soon as I do, I will post pics and info here. So here I come. I am a knitting monster!