Bubbling over

The words are bubbling over. They are streaming out of me. I can't seem to shut them up or out or whatever!

I felt like I had no word for so long. Now I feel like I have too many words. I can't get my thoughts around them all and so making them into some sort of concise thought may not happen, so bare with me.

As I prepare to get my kids prepared to go back to school (ugh, I know summer is almost over), I have moments where I feel great sadness. In years past, I was also preparing to go back to school. Though my school supplies list was much shorter and really more just things I needed to feel more prepared rather than a long list of "must haves" for the year, I would go to the office supply store and get them pencils, pens, markers, crayons, colored pencils, glue, tape and a ruler then I would get myself a new highlighter. I would get them backpacks, lunch snacks, new uniforms and get myself a pack of computer paper.

Last year, my schooling went on hold for the 3rd time since I started. At the time, my heart didn't break, not even one little bit. There had been new challenges that arose last summer that turned our family upside-down. We were in total survival mode of a time. My focus was my family and only my family. In some ways I was too busy to grieve not going to school.

But then, almost a year later, I realized it was something much different. I wasn't too busy to grieve, I was a little lost. At the end of my school year last spring, I had lost focus, drive and passion. I was doing bare minimum just to pass the class. I hated my courses, thought the teachers were overbearing and just wanted to be done, counting the days till each class was over. I could hardly stand my computer and was feeling overwhelmed. I didn't see it then and actually it took almost a year until I did.

My wonderful hubby saw it as it was happening. Instead of telling just what I was doing then, he let me sit with it this past year. He watched as I wrestled with my feelings about school. He watched as I made myself busy with life and tried to ignore the flashing sign about my head.

When I finally acknowledge it, he said he saw that coming. He said I wasn't giving school my all. He said he was concerned I had lost focus. But of course, the overly-introspective person I am, I had already been thinking and working it out inside by the time I came to him. I had already refocused and I had already done some research. I looked at my life hard and prayed a lot.

Here's where I am now...

I was going to school to be a grief counselor. Sounds about right, huh? Well here's the problem with that. There is a lot of school involved with that. I would have at least four more years ahead of me. Then comes the next issue. Too many Americans don't have health coverage and if they do it only covers a very small amount for mental health. In today's world, it isn't going to be a money maker. After four more years of school, I would have a LOT of school debt. I would have to work a long time to get that paid off and so me working wouldn't really relieve any financial pressure from my hubby. So I would have spend our whole marriage working towards making my career so that in the end, I wouldn't make from my career enough to make it worth while.

Sometimes, just sometimes, it all comes down to money. This was one of those times.

I feel called to the grieving. That hasn't changed. So I was sitting in a pool of discontent wondering how I could walk in my calling and not go broke doing it.

Well, God is good. He worked it all out for me. I still have no idea how all of it will work but I know He's got it under control. So in the end, I'm changing my major. I'll get a degree in something (that will be divulged later) that will help pay the bills and is something I really, really enjoy doing. My other time (not that I have a lot of that right now but I hope to have more someday soon), I will serve the grieving. I won't depend on getting a paycheck from the grieving or some non-profit organization. I can serve them with my time, energy, love and experience and need nothing in return.

My major will be changing when I can get back to school. I'll only have 2 years left to finish and have a very versatile degree suited for me. I'll be able to serve those for whom I have a heart. I don't feel so overwhelmed and lost. I'm pretty happy about just serving my family right now and can't wait till the doors open for me to return to school.