Redemption: Undefined and Unrefined

For many years, I had no idea what redemption really was. I grew up Christian and knew the sacrifice that Christ made on the cross. I knew He redeemed me and that I had eternal life not by my own actions but by His blood. I knew a lot of things about redemption and I had experienced the "standard" redemption the Christ gives all of us, but I think there are specific redemptions that God plans for each of us. Those, I did not understand for quite some time.

I think there are things God redeems before we know we needed them redeemed. Those are the undefined redemptions.  They happen and we only can see them in hind sight. As we look back and reflect on a particularly rough time or trying situation, we can see God redemption in it. We can see His plan clearly and reflection defines the redemption. After all, hind sight is 20/20.

One of the undefined redemptions in my life is my marriage. In my first marriage we had struggles.  The truth is, there isn't a truly intimate relationship that doesn't have struggles. To make this story short, I came to realize my part when my first husband was already sick and in the ICU. God took me through an amazing healing process. He opened my eyes and groomed me and pruned me and recovered the dark areas of my heart. I became a new me, a softer me, a less bitter me, and a more loving me.

The sad thing is, it was too late. My husband never recovered. When he died, I was in the depths of redemption. I wanted to redeem this marriage. I grieved so much that I never got to be the wife a husband deserves. We didn't get to grow old together side by side loving each other till our senior days. God "fixed" me and I didn't get to live that out with my first husband...but like I said, this was an undefined redemption.

My redemption in marriage came. I didn't get to be that for my first husband, but he did get to see that I was learning and changing. I do get to live that with Ryan. Ryan was my undefined redemption. God redeemed me for an undefined future. He redeemed me so that I could be the wife a husband deserves, today. God created a new, softer and more loving me and stripped away my bitterness. I am a better wife today because of the pain through which I journeyed. 

There were many months I grieved that my first husband did not live to experience the new me. God gave me peace here. God redeemed this as well by reminding me that my first husband was in His care which was his redemption. My redemption was getting to live out the "new" me with Ryan...and so undefined redemptions are sometimes hard but the wait is always worth it.

As for the unrefined redemptions, I think those are of our own doing. You see, God has a perfect plan but the problem is that He made us human. We like to "fix" God's plans and by doing so we leave a messy trail along the way, unrefined.

When God took me through my healing process, He showed me who I was. I had bought into so many lies over the years that I really didn't know anything about myself, down to the type of pizza I liked. I always think of the scene in the movie "Runaway Bride" when Julia Roberts is trying a dozen different eggs to find out what she likes. She had always eaten eggs however her man at the time ate his eggs. Here I was, a full on grown up, that didn't know what I liked to eat, who I was or what my "style" was.

I went through a long and painful introspective process and learned a lot about who God designed me to be. Some of it was joyful and exciting. It was like Christmas morning, discovering all my likes and dislikes. Other parts were painful and I grieved some things over and over. 

One of the most important things God revealed in me was my calling. I am called to those who grieve. Wow, by the way, that was a fun one to discover. I am called to grieving. Ouch, come on God, really?!? I have spent a lifetime grieving, which of course is why I called to those who grieve. I understand it. I relate to it. I can cope with it. I feel close to God through it. I hear God clearing during it. I "get" grieving. 

Now, that is not to say that I grieve all the time or that God surrounds me with pain and suffering, though sometimes it feels like it. What I am saying is it is like the verses on season..."season to grieve". There are other seasons too. There are also other types of people. As a body, we need the people that understand grieving and those that understand rejoicing.

I just happen to be the friend that most of my friends know they can come and cry. They can share their pain and suffering. They can talk and I'll listen. Somehow, I seem to really understand it all. I can just relate to grief...and grief is unrefined. No one does it "well." It isn't something we want on the front page of the book of our life. Our darkest hours are just that. Grieving is just plan ugly.

So I live a life of unrefined redemption. God has called me to be the shoulder to cry on. I get the messes. I am often the first phone call when things go wrong. Don't get me wrong, sometimes it's hard, but the truth is, I'm called. I feel fulfilled in living this out with people, people I love, people I know and even people I just met. I am comfortable in the hospital waiting room. I don't get scared when people are hurting and crying. I'm not uncomfortable when people fall apart.

With that said, there is part of me that sees the other side and wonders, "Why Lord, did you call me to the pain and not the joy?" I do celebrate with others. I do hear the good things in their lives, but I'm not called to that. How is it that God called me to all this grieving and I'm good with it? It seems like you'd have to be stupid to be "happy" about being "sad."

At the end of the day, I usually do not get the first phone call when good things happen but I do get the "bad" phone calls. I have a lot of crying conversations and they aren't usually tears of joy. When things are really good, my phone is usually silent, but I'm a loyal, faithful friend and will always be available when needed. I have friends that I am the only one that has made it through their years of pain. I have friends that cry and I cry with often. 

To my wonderful friends: Please don't ever feel you need to apologize for being a mess with me. It's my calling. God gives me strength to walk with you through those hard time. He refills me so I can endure through the hard times with you. I understand your pain and want to walk through the valleys with you. I think of the footprints poem sometimes in a new way. Sometimes there are only one set because He carries you and even when there are two, sometimes He's carrying you and I'm walking along side. I hope you never feel alone in the dark time. I am waiting here to serve you in your pain and I love you.