What you can't undo...

You cannot undo hurt. You just can't undo it. There is no going back.

On Sunday, my mom would have been 64 years old...but she's not. Is was only ever 60. That's where she stopped and went Home.

My heart was hurting as we decorated our tree on Sunday. I was doing my best to "get in the spirit" but I just couldn't get there.

I love my mom so much. There have been too many times in the past four years that I have picked up the phone to call her and realized she wasn't going to ever answer the phone.

I can't undo how I feel when I miss her. I can't undo losing her.

I miss my mom. I wish my step-kids knew her. I wish she knew them.

I her mind I was probably always 4 like that picture. In my mind, she's still here, healthy and happy.

I don't think you ever "get over" losing your mom.

Help...I'm on fire

What makes you read a blog post?

Is it because of an amazing title or an intriguing picture?

Do you follow certain bloggers no matter what?

Are there certain blogs that just speak to you?

Have the blogs with shared interest just captured you?

Why do you read what you read?

I think I read a little of everything. I follow certain people I know and love. I read certain posts that the title pops out at me or the picture looks amazing. I look for certain blogs that have shared interest. I read lots and lots of blogs. I don't think I'm the only one...but then sometimes I think I am the only one that reads anything I write.

That's okay because I don't write it for the masses. I don't write it to be noticed. I don't write to be published or recognized or for prizes or any of that. I write because I feel like it's part of me. I write because the words come to me and I have to get them out of me. So I just write...

Adoption...and your "real" family

I remember one time someone referred to my parents as my girls' adoptive grandparents. I think I had the strangest look on my face and my eyebrows furrowed. I feared I would end up with a wrinkled brow permanently after that comment.

What on earth? Were they talking about my parents?

Yes, I'm adopted...and the second dumbest thing I've ever heard about it was when I was asked if I wanted to find my "real" parents.

I'm so confused. I thought I already knew my "real" parents. I remember the "real" dinner my mom made. I remember going on "real" dates with my dad. I remember "real" parent/teacher conferences. I remember "real" holidays and vacations. I remember "real" Christmas newsletters and "real" driving lessons and "real" recitals and "real" family photos.

I'm pretty sure my parents were "real." I think the person that made a point to say that, was indicating somehow that "real" families are blood related. If that's the case, then a spouse is not "real" family (or at least we hope not).

Here's the thing...

Being adopted is actually more legally binding than giving birth. My children are my responsibility: legally, financially, emotionally and spiritually. The "real" truth is that they can grow up and leave and if something horrible happens, I can disown them, write them out of the will and never have anything to do with them again. THAT IS NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN...but it could. As an adoptee...my dad cannot ever do that to me. My parents actually swore to a judge that they would be legally tied to me for the rest of their lives.

You've heard the saying, "Blood is thicker than water," but not in America. Adoption is thicker than anything...even marriage. If you marry and things don't work out, you can...divorce. If you adopt and things don't work out, you'll just have to figure it out! You cannot un-adopt.

Here's the other thing, the law looks at my parents as biological parents. My birth certificate has been re-issued with my parents names on the mother and father lines. Which also mean, my parents are grandparents to my kids. My parents didn't adopt their grandkids...they are just the grandparents.

All this to say, I love adoption. I saw this amazing video today and these emotions were flooding over me. My mother had a plaque in our home my whole life with the "Adoption Creed". My favorite line said, "I didn't grow under your heart but in." I was told my whole life that I was chosen. I was told my whole life that I was a blessing, an answer to prayer and a gift. I was told that I was redemption in my mom's heart because she wanted me so much.

So watch this video...I don't know about the organization but this is an amazing video.


New Film Premiere - I Like Adoption. from ILikeGiving.com on Vimeo.

I LOVE ADOPTION!

Lonely? That's okay, God sees me.

God sees me.

That's what the most amazing friend told me yesterday.

There have been a few too many "bad" day recently. A few too many phone calls to this particular friend where one or both of us end up crying...a lot.

There is a sadness in our hearts at times and we are so kindred in spirit that we cry to each other...

There have been moments when I have reminded her and she has reminded me "it goes both ways." She cries sometimes and then I cry. Then I cry sometimes and she starts crying too.

Here's the thing...I'm not really a cryer. I think I spent the first dozen years of my life crying and then it dried all up. Really...I mean it. I just don't cry a lot. I certainly don't like crying in public.

All I have to say is, I've actually had quite a bit to cry about in my life...and well...I'm not a fan.

Not the point...rambling aside.


Okay, God sees me.

Yep that's it. He sees me.

He knows what I need. Sometimes He waits until I ask for Him to provide. Sometimes He waits until I really need things. Sometimes I think I can't take anymore and then He provides.

Yesterday I was low...not rock bottom or anything, just low.

If you read my blog, yesterday's post indicated that.

And then...

God.

Yep, that's it. God.

I had made plans last week to see a friend I hadn't seen in way too long. She met me at Panera for coffee...well she had iced tea & I had iced green tea so I guess we met for ice tea. We talked in person. A lot of it was about the kids, school, and sometimes husbands. We've know each other for years and go through season talking a lot and then not so much. It was nice to sit down and see her face to face.

As she was getting ready to leave to feed "starving" kiddos, I ran into another friend. She was stopping for dinner...all by herself. As a mother of 6, that was a nice treat just as it was. I decided to order some dinner and sit with her. It had been years since we sat and talked.

We talked about some things that hadn't really ever been said from years ago. I told her how much she meant to me during a particular time. I told her how she ministered to me. I told her one of my fondest memories and it felt good.

Years ago, I was at her home and fell asleep in her big chair. My kiddos were sleeping over at her house for an extended period of time. She took my phone away, covered me with a blanket and turned off the light next to me. When I woke, her husband asked if I needed anything and I just didn't know. She decided I needed tea and made me a nice cup of tea. I sat with her for hours...it was very late. She just sat and all I can remember is when she told me I needed tea, I took a deep breath and decided that was just what I needed.

It was good to remember how God placed her in my life during that time. It was good to remember how her calm spirit calmed me. I got to thank her for being her. I encouraged her to be that for another amazing women in her life that is hurting right now.

There are people God gave me that I cannot imagine how I would have survived through tough times without them. Thank you God for giving me time with 3 of those amazing women yesterday. It was just what my heart needed.

Waiting...

I stand here waiting. No one comes. I sat after a while and waited. No one came.

It was just me. Just me.

I feel sad. I feel alone.

And then I wake up. There is that haziness after waking. I can't quite remember what I was dreaming but I know the feelings are still here. I lay very still and try to think about the dream. What was happening?

I was reliving something. I was reliving something sad.

Almost 5 years later the dreams still haunt me. I still feel like it was yesterday at times. I still feel like I'm a widow. I still feel like my world is spinning...but just sometimes.

And I'm quiet. I don't say anything. I keep it to myself. Because...

Well who wants to hear a woman go on and on about that man who died 5 years ago. I'm remarried. I have a "new" life. I am a wife and mother...no longer a widow. Or am I?

I lost my first husband. No one can take that away, fix it, undo it or whatever.

But when it comes to relational status, it seems you can only click one button at a time and I am married.

But...

I think of him everyday. I look at his daughters and I see his quirks and I hear his humor and every once in a while I see him. They don't know him. The memories are mine that I've retold so many times they have become their memories.

The pictures...they are packed in boxes.

His things...also packed in boxes.

Then someone calls me and asks for Mrs. Batron, and I say, "Yes" and then get off the phone and I'm sad.

Today, I sit alone. The dream was a dream. I have that one friend that remembers him like I do. We talk about our vacations together and say remember when... The stories include hot dogs, rained out soccers games and a fire pit in the back yard with everything but wood in the fire. She lets me laugh. She remembers him like I do. She lets me cry. Sometimes she cries because 5 years later so much is different.

We didn't plan this life. We didn't plan on being where we are. We didn't think it would just be memories.

And then there are these moments when I'm thinking about something and I can't remember that one thing. I want to call him and say, "What was that restaurant we stopped at in the small town?" or "What was that one things the girls said that was so funny."

And so I ramble...

I loved. I lost. I love again.

I remember when...

Open doors...thank you God

So recently on Facebook I've posted that God has been opening doors for our family and we're excited to see what He's doing for us. I haven't shared much else and I hate to say that I still won't be completely sharing.

I will say that Ryan and I have decided to start a great business venture together...no he's not opening his own shop. We're excited about this and feel like God has really designed this for our family.

We're both on fire and can't wait to see what God does for us here. I've shared with just a couple people and though the response has been varied, I know this is what God has for us.

I feel a great opportunity for financial freedom and look forward to working with my hubby!

If you would like to know more about this venture, please contact us directly via phone, text, email or FB. We will be reaching out to a few select family members and friends but do not want to "bomb" everyone.

We'll be launching a healthy lifestyle blog on Monday, September 10th. We hope everyone will join us and read our blog and share it. It will have all types of tips for families to get healthy and fit, save money and make positive choices for the whole family.

We look forward to this venture and pray for God's blessings in all we do. We pray for all of you all the time and want the very best for you all.

Thanks so much for listening and I hope you'll follow our new blog. We'll post the link on FB when it launches on Monday. We'll be posting Monday-Friday with a different theme each day.

I'll still post family blog things here on occasion...so don't worry, you'll still get to hear about our crazy, blended family.

What I'm not...

That list could go on for days. There are so many things I am not! I am not an amazing singer or artist. I am not a gymnast or a swimmer. I am not a wealthy person nor am I poor. I am not bitter or angry...

I am tired. I am really, really tired. I don't mean physically though sometimes I am physically tired. I am emotionally, mentally and spiritually tired. No, I'm more than tired, I'm exhausted. 

The weird thing is, you would think I would be ready to just give up, lay down, quit, throw in the towel and just be done, but I'm not. There is a drive behind it all. There is a voice in my heart and head that encourages me. I hear my mom's voice telling me everything is going to be okay (even if it really isn't). I hear God's voice telling me He's got it all under control. I have my numerous friends telling me how proud they are of me and amazed at my strength...and so I keep going.

One of my closest friends in the world is also going through a hard time too. She thinks she's taking me for a ride on her roller coaster but then I think I'm really the one taking her along with me. Whatever the case, I will say that I'm so blessed to have her with me. There are so many amazing people that are journeying with me and I am really, really blessed.

Thanks so much for all the prayers and encouraging words. Thanks for listening to my ramblings. Thanks for being God's voice in the quiet times and His love all the time. Thanks for it all. I don't know where I would be right now without the most amazing support group in the world. I know we have people praying for us all around the country, near and far...thank you.

Sometimes I wish I had a glamorous life. I wish I was an amazing musician or artist or even wealthy. Sometimes I look at other's lives on FB and think their live looks nicer than mine or think they probably don't ever have to deal with the things we do...but then I remember the truth. The truth is: this is the life God designed for me. It is blessed. I am healthy and so is my family. I have love, friendship, family, hope and faith all around me. I know that no matter what, God has got it under control. There is nothing in the world that I need more than that.

Today, I write to remind myself of these things. I write so I don't get lost in comparing my life to the false world of FB that we try to emanate to the world. I write so I regain the strength to keep going. I write to remember the blessings. Most of all, I write to say thank you. I keep you because you all give me strength.

Thanks...