Another Anniversary to remember

So last Saturday was two years since my mother passed away. In this month, I have had two wonderful friends say something to me about their mothers. One was angry with her mom and I gently reminded her that it was nice to have her. The other said that she has so many friends that have lost their mothers that she feel very grateful to have her mom still.

Moms are a necessary thing in life. You may not have a good relationship with your mother, you may not know your mother, you may have already lost your mother or you may talk to her all the time. But no matter what the relationship, you have a mother. I feel blessed to have had mine. She was an amazing woman of God, a wonderful wife, mother, Nana and friend. She laughed and cried and prayed and worshiped. She was a good cook and baker. She loved to serve others. She was the "Hostess with the Mostess." She was one of my best friends!

On Friday, my dad, Diane, Megan, Haley and I went and visited her grave, after a nice lunch at the Mason Jar. It was the first time I had seen her stone. The girls talked and talked about their Nana and shared lots of stories. Diane gave me photocopies of the Christmas newsletters she had written over the years (the ones they had). I could almost her her voice that day. I could almost see her smile.

Then we took a stroll up the path and looked at Garrett's grave. In some ways it was really nice to loose them so close together. I remembered everything we did for Garrett's funeral and somewhat copied them for mom. So on a day when we decided to visit her grave, we could simple walk up the hill and see Garrett's too.

So me...being me, took lots of pictures. Here are a few of my favorites from the day.

 Mom's Headstone

My girls...

Dad & Diane

Visiting Garrett

 Our blondes ;) Oma & Megan

Dad

Valentine's day blues...

Expectations can ruin the world! There are so many people in my life that have had a miserable Valentine's day because of expectations that were not met. That, however, is not why I have Valentine's Day blues...

So I have heard many say for years that this was a Hallmark created holiday to sell more junk. It is consumerism at it's best and holds no value. I have heard friend say it was really "Single Awareness Day" and others say that it was a day to have their hopes for a great day crushed. Over the years I think I have agreed with all of them...until now!

Then this year my daughter came home from school and shared one of the stories behind Valentine's day. Apparently, according to this story (and there are many versions) that there was a man named Valentino who lived in ancient Rome. There was a couple in love and they were imprisoned for being Christians. They were going to be put to death. Valentino told the guards to take his life to safe the life of the lovers. Now keep in mind all there all many stories and possibly three different Saint Valentines. But regardless of all of this, I suddenly realized that I had been upset with this Hallmark created holiday just to find out that I really was wrong. This is day is to be celebration of love and sacrifice that dates back to ancient Rome. By the way, Hallmark did not exist back then. ;)

Now to be fair, I have many reasons to not love this day. To start, Garrett proposed to me on Valentine's Day ten years ago. Valentine's day is a reminder of a love lost. Then on top of that, two years ago, just two days before Valentine's day, my mom passed away. She was giving the girls their Valentine's day gifts and cards when she passed away. When the kids get ready for Valentine's day, we now talk about it being Nana's last thing she did. So now it's a day that I remember two lost loves in my life.


Then there are the years and years that my Valentine's day was not a good day. There have been horrible dinners at restaurants and food poisoning and then two different years I was in the ER on Valentine's day. It really has not been a day I have looked forward to for quite some time. Then I married Ryan and discovered he has just as many bad Valentine's days as I. We both dread the day.

So this year I decided I was going to do my best to make it a good day. I made a special dinner: Parmesan encrusted tilapia, sauteed parmesan spinach, homemade battered french fries and a special passion punch. Then I got some Valentine's treats as I always do. I ended up cooking for hours and we had a very late dinner. All the kids were in great spirits and loved the dinner. They loved their little gifts and chattered on about their days. The youngest has parties at school and talked about all the things they did for their parties. The older kids had a good day too and I even found out my eldest asked a girl out (he had been planning to do it on Valentine's day...so sweet). My hubby got me a big box of candy and some special caramels that I love so much. I got him a game he's been wanting (it's the first time I got him a Valentine's day gift).

After dinner, I was cleaning up my enormous mess I made making fries and I looked over at my hubby and said, "I think this may have been the best Valentine's day I have ever had." He said, "I don't know if that's a good thing but I'm glad you had a good day." I love that I can be real with him and let him know that I don't like celebrating Valentine's day. I love that even though I don't like to celebrate it, he helps me make it good for the kids because there is no reason for them to struggle with this day just because we do.

In the end, I just have to say that it was a good day. We planned hard to make it that way and it paid off. I still do not look forward to celebrating it next year, but it was really nice to not have a horrible day. I will work just as hard next year to try to make it wonderful for my kids. In the end there was some sacrifice on my part to show my family I love them. I would have preferred to climb into bed early and forget the whole day. Instead I cooked for hours and the kids felt loved and therefore, so did I!

Broken System

D. H. S.

Really?!?

For those who don't know, DHS is the Department of Human Services here in CO. Recently, someone I know (keeping this anonymous for many reasons) just had a visit from DHS. Some "anonymous caller called the hot line and reported this family for drug and alcohol abuse in front of a minor child as well as a long list of other things. Just so you know...if that happens, DHS has to investigate. So basically, if you piss off someone, they can "anonymously" report that you're a bad parent and now you have to open your home to investigation.

Now with that said, these accusations were false and there was nothing to really fear. In fact, the accusations couldn't be further from the truth and are most likely from an angry person seeking revenge. Still, this family had to open their home to an investigation, be asked very private things and then have to take a drug test. None of these are a problem except they created a lack of privacy and the accusations caused anxiety. DHS stated as long as the drug test came back negative (which it will) this will be closed out as unfounded. Still the invasion was stressful on all involved.

On the flip side, another family went through a traumatic time when one parent (from a split two household) almost died from a drug overdoes. Because the drugs are prescriptions (though are being abused to create an overdose) and the children are older, DHS investigated and did nothing. Told the other parent that there was nothing that could be done. The concern is that the kids will discover the one parent dead from drugs. The DHS worker said, and I quote, "They probably will and when that happens we'll be here to help. The state can't tell you how to raise your kids, just how NOT to." Well that's just great!

One family has to deal with false accusations and open their lives for the world to see and case closed (now that they asked intimate details of your life). The other family waits for things to melt down and DHS says, "I'm sorry that this sucks. See you when (not if) it falls apart."

I think the system is broken!

Families are being violated by an angry false accuser and the state says, "We'll pay for the drug test" and by the way you have to pee while someone watches you. Then other families have to wait till it falls apart before the state will get involved. I think there are a lot of wasted tax dollars used to look into petty vengeance and not enough for intervention in dangerous situations.

I'll climb down off my soap box now. And as always, thanks for listening!

Bugs...I really hate bugs!

I'm not talking about the kind with creepy, crawly legs (though I hate those as well). I'm talking about the kind that invade my house, get shared and take the clan down in one sweep! The kind that make the clan cough, sneeze, ache, and all the other joys of sick bugs.

This month I am proud to say that there was a bug invasion and it took all four of us girls out in one swoop! I was feeling a little under the weather Thursday but then Cassidy had a cough when she arrived back at our house on Saturday and it went downhill from there. Sunday morning Haley awoke with body aches and by that evening Megan was down with a headache. Megan was asleep by 7 that night and anyone that knows her knows she's one of the night owls in this house.

Our three day weekend was supposed to include a fun day off on Monday. We were going to clean house on the weekend and if it was finished Sunday evening, then the kids and I were going to do something fun. I had a few ideas which can be hard with the age span. But that turned into all the girls hardly able to move in different areas of the house all day Monday followed by no doing to school on Tuesday! I think the bugs had it out for the girls!

On Tuesday, Haley and I headed off to the Doctor's office. While there, Megan and Cassidy relaxed at Oma & Papa's house. I feel so blessed to have parents close and available when I need another set of hands. I could have done it all on my own, but it was such a blessing to have help.

The nurse determined that Haley has a sinus infection AND the flu and I have the flu. NO FUN! The other girls are off to school today but Haley is still a lump on the couch but I am finally able to sit upright without pain.

In the midst of this I was able to feel just blessed. Not only do I have help from family but I have healthy kids. Yes, the girls got sick, but they are healthy over all. No one really has any ongoing health issues or concerns. In all truth, it's a bit of a miracle with all the yucky bugs out there that we are as healthy as we are and for that I give all the glory to God. Thank you Lord for my happy, healthy family and all the help with which you have blessed us when we are a bit under the weather!

1-11-11...This is a brand new day.

Okay there have been good days and bad days. There have been good months and...well, bad months. There have actually been good years and bad years. I've heard many pray over me for years about seasons. Well guess what? The winter has past, the pain of spring is gone and I am living in summer (metaphorically of course being it's actually -3 outside). After blogging about grief, I am ready to change the tone...

I am here to say, "This is a brand new day and it's getting better in every single way." Today has been the best day in a long time. Today I found out two amazing things. First thing this morning I got a picture mail. It was my best friends left hand and on it...was...a RING!!!! We've know it was coming but now it's official! Then this afternoon my other best friend (yes I have more than one best friend) informed me that she is expecting her 5th child!!!! All I can say is babies and weddings are always joyous. I am so joyous for these two women.

On top of all of this I am proud to say that 11 days into this year, I am still hitting all my goals! I know it's only been 11 days, but I'm proud of myself. There have been a couple of daily goals I have added this year and daily goals are a little harder to hit. One is to read the Bible through by the end of this year. As of today, I'm on target.

The other is more on the hobby side and is to create a photo journal of my year. I would like to take around 300 photos (1 a day with some grace) to journal my year. Today I took my 9th picture. I can't believe I've actually remember to take a picture just about every day. I'm looking forward to see what I saw this year. I haven't put anything into a hobby for just me in quite a few years. It's nice to have a hobby again.

I have lots of other goals that didn't really start at the beginning of this year and won't end at the end of this year but I am happy to say that I'm still hitting every goal, as of today!

So on 1-11-11 I have had really exciting news and I'm still hitting all my goals. What could be better than that?

Anniversaries

I think I usually think of really good things associated with anniversaries: weddings, birthdays, years with a job or at a church or anniversary of meeting a great friend. But there are other anniversaries that are painful and do not cause pictures of good things or happy times. Yesterday was one of the latter kind of anniversary. It was the anniversary of Garrett's death. Three years ago, the girls and I journeyed through one of the toughest times of our lives, thus far. I want to share the story of this day and it may be too much for some. I share this because this is apart of my grieving process.

January 9th in very beginnings of 2008, I went to Memorial Hospital very early in the morning. The night before, I didn't leave the hospital till very late and I knew something was different that night. I talked on the phone with one of closest girl friends when I got home that night till very late. Something in me told me my life was about to change and though I knew what that change was, I certainly was not prepared. Around 5:30 in the morning, Garrett's nurse called to inform me that he was being taken to the ICU and I needed to get to the hospital as fast as I could. The next events happened in less than an hour but seemed as though I could not move fast enough (though when I look back I know everything was whirling faster than usual).

As soon as I got off the phone with the nurse, I called my dad and asked if I could bring the girls to he and mom. I asked if they could get them ready for school, feed them breakfast and take them to school. Of course, he said yes. While making this call, I was getting dressed, grabbing my things, grabbing the girls backpacks and finding my keys. I woke the girls up and shoved them out the door with uniforms in hand and drove over to my parents. My dad was waiting for them and met me at my car to grab everything. I headed straight to the hospital (and actually didn't speed on the way) and ran to the ICU (with which I was all too familiar).  I was the first to arrive and had a few quiet moments with him before the world started to spin again. By 6:30 or soon after, his parents arrived and we talked with the doctor briefly. We then went to different areas and started making phone calls to friends, family, co-worker and pastors.

By mid morning, his small ICU room was filled with loved ones: some of my closest friends, some of his closest friends, family, pastors, co-workers. Then the doctor gave us the news I knew was coming but almost couldn't handle when I received it. It was time to let him go, shut off the machines, turn on the morphine and say goodbye. We asked how long and could it wait till his sister flew in from New York. The answer was soon and no we shouldn't wait too long. We trusted this doctor. He had been on the case for 13 months. He was on everyone's speed dial. So we decided to just take a little time to let us say goodbye. Each of us had a private moment with him and some family and friends that where too far away called to talk to him on the phone. He was not able to respond but we were told that he was capable of understanding us.

I decided to called my parents and ask them to pick up the girls from school and bring them to their house. When they got there, they called the hospital and we put the phone to Garrett's ear. The girls didn't know what was happening or know that they were saying goodbye, but I knew they needed to say one more nice thing to their daddy. Then my dad hurried off to the hospital to be with me.

When the last of the friends and family arrived, we let the doctors and nurses come in to shut off the machines. One of the nurses that cared for Garrett the most while he was in the ICU came in on her day off to be the one there for us. She assisted the doctor and stayed with us the entire time.

This is a little graphic for some...so you may want to skip this paragraph. The next 45 minutes, the whole family quietly sat in Garrett's room. Each breath he took was labored. Each breath came further from the next. In the last minutes of life, every breath surprised us. As the breaths got further apart, we expected them to stop but another would come and then another. This seemed to go on forever. Then they stopped. The nurse put a scope to his chest and called his time of death. I found myself weeping and laying with him. I listened for his heart beat, but there wasn't one. I weep for what seemed like hours. All I could think was the moment I leave this room, my life will be forever changed. I laid there and cried and prayed. I couldn't figure out what was happening. It didn't seem real. I knew it was coming the night before. I knew it was coming the hours before and yet I laid in his bed completely confused. I couldn't believe what was happening. I felt like the tears would never stopped. I sobbed and wept and cried and blubbered. Nothing around me seemed to matter.

Later I found out that my friends and family had gathered around me in a semi-circle. They all stood behind me while I grieved. As time went on, I was able to quiet my tears for a moment. Then I just felt empty as though I had wept all I had out onto that bed that day. I sat and could not move. More friends and family stopped in to see us. I just kept sitting there on his bed. After a while, I moved to a chair at his bedside. My friends were bustling around me getting me something to eat, a drink and making arrangements with hospital and funeral home. I just sat. I didn't want to leave the room.

When I finally left the room, I knew what was coming next. I was going to my parent's house to tell the girls. I had to prepare myself for this and decided to drive myself home. We had to load all of Garrett's things into my car. Though he had only been in the hospital two weeks this time, there seemed to be a lot of things. We got them loaded and I refused my friends' suggestion to let someone drive me home. I needed a moment. I got into my car, got on the highway and screamed at God, "Why, why, why, WHY!?!?!?"

Then I was sitting in front of my parent's house. My parent's, Garrett's parents and two of my pastors came to be there with me as I told the girls. All I remember saying is, "Daddy died today." The next thing I knew was our baby girl let out a cry that has forever pieced itself to my memory. I had two little girls on my lap crying like had the hours before. They cried for what seemed like forever. Then I got them into PJs and climbed into my parent's big guest bed with them till they fell asleep.

The days to follow are a blur though certain moments stick out. But the day that Garrett died seems just as clear as the day itself. The only thing I really do know for sure about grief is that is doesn't ever go away. Some may say it gets easier. I'm not sure that's true. I think it just get further away and consumes less time. But every anniversary, I relive that day. Not all the memories of that day are "bad" in fact many are really good memories. They are just hard memories. Memories I will always have. Memories the girls will always have. Some times we talk about it like it's a story being told, almost as if it happened to someone else. Some days we relive a moment and find ourselves standing in our room crying for what seems like no reason.

Today I write this as a memory that seems like it happened yesterday. My heart actually hurts and there is a lump in my throat of pain and grief. But I know that Garrett is loved in heaven and that helps. I know that God called many to care for me as a widow and for my girls. I know that many have forgotten and that's okay. I know that many have not forgotten. I may look like I have moved on, but I'm not sure that's accurate. I have moved forward...not moved on. The difference may be small but to me, I know what the difference is. I still grieve. I still carry Garrett in my heart every day. I still love him very much. I still miss the life we had together. I still keep him alive for the girls. But yes, I love others and did not stop living because Garrett died. If anything, he taught me how to love and how to let him go. I didn't want to and I don't think he wanted to leave but that was God's plan for us. I know that this time next year I will probably be hurting again and I'm okay with that. Not everything God has planned for me is easy or good but His plan is perfect. I am blessed today because of all of it...and that's enough for me right now.

Who are you?

So every once in a while my kids do something that makes me want to say "Who are you?" Sometimes that question is a positive thing and other times it's because I want to run from my life. The latter is what comes to mind today.

Having five kids brings a lot of variety to life. They are all so very different and sometimes that brings great joy to the family and other times great conflict. It has been really interesting finding every child's "thing" that they like best or do best. It has been just as interesting and painful to see the areas where they completely fail, again and again.

This past year, one child in particular has been failing in more than one area repeatedly and for this child's sake there will be no name listed (though I know some of you know my family well enough to pick who it may be). This child is continually "forgetting" basic things. It is actually beyond me that two minutes after been asked to brush teeth, that it is completely forgotten. I cannot believe that when I say go pick up your room it means sit down and play. I am pretty certain that every day when I say hang up your coat that the same four kids do it and this one kid leaves a trail from front door to back, down the hall, down the stairs all the way to the downstairs bathroom. What is even more unbelievable it that when I say "Did you eat breakfast" this child actually has to check.

So as a loving parent, I sometimes guide and remind. As the frustrated parent I sometimes yell and lecture (for way too long). But in the end, I sit in this child's room and read a book while this child cleans. I remind this child every day to brush teeth and hair multiple times until it is done. I walk around the house calling this child's name to pick up all things dropped on the floor. And I pray for a patient spouse who will love this child in the future as it is apparent this is who this child is and may not change...ever. And then I pray for my husband, my other kids, my friends, my family and me. I pray that we have the patients to love this child and remember this is who this child is and that God designed this child. And then...I go into my room, close the door, and scream into my pillow, "God, why on earth did my parent's "curse" work and I ended up with a child just like ME?" Oh well, I guess I had it coming ;) Oh, and to my dad, I am so very sorry. I really am. I have a much cleaner room now (or at least for today).