...of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for thou art with me.
I think that says it all.
As I walk through the valley, I truly fear nothing.
I am blessed and moving forward.
Back to it. Back on track.
Not to say I even got off track but just stopped, paused, became stationary for just a moment.
It wasn't to smell the roses. I wasn't because of fear or evil.
It just was. I stopped.
Now I'm moving again.
The end.
Okay...so not really the end. Not really a beginning.
There was an intermission and now back to the show.
Back to blogging. Back to goals. Back to getting it all done.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
The aftermath
There is a silence that came after the storm.
I never quite know what grieving will bring. Some years I cry a lot. Some years I have trouble leaving my house. Some years I feel sick and some times I actually get sick. Some years things just feel slow.
This year I was tired. Very tired.
In some ways I wish it was "a lot of crying" kind of year. When I cry and cry I expect to be emotionally exhausted and then somehow being tired makes sense. Sleeping all day seems to be in order and not wanting to leave my house is okay because I've been crying all day.
This year I was just tired. Of course my grieving doesn't seem to care that I have a lot to get done. It doesn't seem to notice that my tree was still up two weeks into the New Year. It doesn't seem understand there are science projects to work with children and homework to be checked and dinner to be made. It doesn't even bother to wait for a better moment.
Grief comes. It is always present on the anniversaries and through most holidays.
I have been keeping up with my goals this year but it seems like they are running me right now. I know it is a season and so I keep moving forward. I know this will pass and the words will come again. I know that once they do they will come with ease. I know that when I write, I feel free again. I know that I feel all of it like it was yesterday though it was a lot of yesterdays ago. I know I will "catch up" with life and right now I'm just tired.
My "to do" list is always long. It gets a little longer this time of year when I force too many things till tomorrow being I am tired. I'll catch my breath and I'm not worried. I'm just expressing my thoughts and somehow that keeps me looking up, seeing the sunshine, finding the silver lining and living today though I am tired by the yesterdays that brought so much grief.
Today...I am still tired and there is a growing pile of things with which I will need to deal. Today...I will do what I need to do. Today...I will focus on the fact that I'm a little "out of focus" and I'm okay with that. I love seeing me in the soften edges of being "out of focus." I do not worry or fret.
Tomorrow I will see what I need to do and see what I can find the energy to do. Today...this is the end of my list. I wrote my thoughts. I see my feelings. I am moving. That's all.
I think I'm going to take a few more moments for me and make a little something for one of my kiddos with this:
I never quite know what grieving will bring. Some years I cry a lot. Some years I have trouble leaving my house. Some years I feel sick and some times I actually get sick. Some years things just feel slow.
This year I was tired. Very tired.
In some ways I wish it was "a lot of crying" kind of year. When I cry and cry I expect to be emotionally exhausted and then somehow being tired makes sense. Sleeping all day seems to be in order and not wanting to leave my house is okay because I've been crying all day.
This year I was just tired. Of course my grieving doesn't seem to care that I have a lot to get done. It doesn't seem to notice that my tree was still up two weeks into the New Year. It doesn't seem understand there are science projects to work with children and homework to be checked and dinner to be made. It doesn't even bother to wait for a better moment.
Grief comes. It is always present on the anniversaries and through most holidays.
I have been keeping up with my goals this year but it seems like they are running me right now. I know it is a season and so I keep moving forward. I know this will pass and the words will come again. I know that once they do they will come with ease. I know that when I write, I feel free again. I know that I feel all of it like it was yesterday though it was a lot of yesterdays ago. I know I will "catch up" with life and right now I'm just tired.
My "to do" list is always long. It gets a little longer this time of year when I force too many things till tomorrow being I am tired. I'll catch my breath and I'm not worried. I'm just expressing my thoughts and somehow that keeps me looking up, seeing the sunshine, finding the silver lining and living today though I am tired by the yesterdays that brought so much grief.
Today...I am still tired and there is a growing pile of things with which I will need to deal. Today...I will do what I need to do. Today...I will focus on the fact that I'm a little "out of focus" and I'm okay with that. I love seeing me in the soften edges of being "out of focus." I do not worry or fret.
Tomorrow I will see what I need to do and see what I can find the energy to do. Today...this is the end of my list. I wrote my thoughts. I see my feelings. I am moving. That's all.
I think I'm going to take a few more moments for me and make a little something for one of my kiddos with this:
Monday, January 9, 2012
Numbers
Four years ago...
Four years ago I spent my very last day being Garrett's wife. Our vows stated, "...till death do us part" and then death parted us. In some ways, it feels like yesterday and other ways it seems as though a million things have happened since then.
So here's the numbers:
48 months
1,460 days
35, 040 hours
2,104,400 minutes (or so)
126,144,000 seconds (or so)
When I put out number like that, it certainly wasn't yesterday. In my heart there are days when all of that pain is far away and other days (like today) when it truly feels like yesterday.
Here's daddy with his little girls:
Four years ago I spent my very last day being Garrett's wife. Our vows stated, "...till death do us part" and then death parted us. In some ways, it feels like yesterday and other ways it seems as though a million things have happened since then.
So here's the numbers:
48 months
1,460 days
35, 040 hours
2,104,400 minutes (or so)
126,144,000 seconds (or so)
When I put out number like that, it certainly wasn't yesterday. In my heart there are days when all of that pain is far away and other days (like today) when it truly feels like yesterday.
Here's daddy with his little girls:
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| Megan and daddy. |
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| Haley in fine form...but I can't remember why she was fitting. |
So tired
Today I am just plain tired. I'm so tired I can barely hold my eyes open. It seems everything I try to do is just way more difficult than it should be and I just want to take a nap...so I did.
I never know how "hard" days are going to be. I don't know if I'm going to want to cry all day or if I'm going to want to keep busy. I don't know if the day will go by and I'll be cranky, grumpy and snapping at everyone, only to remember (not that I truly ever forget) what day it is.
The "hard" days that seem to be left are birthdays and anniversaries but the anniversaries include wedding, dating, and death anniversaries. It seems that January and February are the hardest. I lost three very important people in those months.
Today it has been four years since Garrett passed away. I never forget. Recently it seems as though it is a story I tell people. Years and years of the telling the story it seems memorized and rehearsed. And then...out of no where, I find myself crying in bed. I feel forgotten. I feel like people have forgotten him. I feel like I am forgetting him. I can't remember parts of our life and there is no one to ask. There is a chunk of my life that doesn't exist anymore.
Many memories stay clear in life because talk about them. We reminisce. We repeat the details. We look at pictures and laugh and say, "Remember when..." There is almost a decade of my life that I have not been able to do that. When some distant memory comes up and I try to remember that place we went or that restaurant we loved, I don't have anyone to ask and so the details are forgotten. I think there were things I didn't even try to remember because I knew he would.
Another hard thing about the memories is that we just don't have very many pictures of Garrett. As parents, we spent a lot of time behind the camera and not nearly enough in front of the camera. Now that I have a beautiful camera, I think I take way too many pictures because of that very reason but once again, I'm just behind the camera.
Today I grieve and it's hard. I've seen it coming. It doesn't get easier, it is just different. Loosing Garrett meant I've lost a lot of memories, some family and our friends. There is hardly anyone left in my life that knew us all along the way and could fill in the memories when I say "Remember when..."
As I looked through pictures it seems the few pictures I have are of our wedding. Here's a few:
I never know how "hard" days are going to be. I don't know if I'm going to want to cry all day or if I'm going to want to keep busy. I don't know if the day will go by and I'll be cranky, grumpy and snapping at everyone, only to remember (not that I truly ever forget) what day it is.
The "hard" days that seem to be left are birthdays and anniversaries but the anniversaries include wedding, dating, and death anniversaries. It seems that January and February are the hardest. I lost three very important people in those months.
Today it has been four years since Garrett passed away. I never forget. Recently it seems as though it is a story I tell people. Years and years of the telling the story it seems memorized and rehearsed. And then...out of no where, I find myself crying in bed. I feel forgotten. I feel like people have forgotten him. I feel like I am forgetting him. I can't remember parts of our life and there is no one to ask. There is a chunk of my life that doesn't exist anymore.
Many memories stay clear in life because talk about them. We reminisce. We repeat the details. We look at pictures and laugh and say, "Remember when..." There is almost a decade of my life that I have not been able to do that. When some distant memory comes up and I try to remember that place we went or that restaurant we loved, I don't have anyone to ask and so the details are forgotten. I think there were things I didn't even try to remember because I knew he would.
Another hard thing about the memories is that we just don't have very many pictures of Garrett. As parents, we spent a lot of time behind the camera and not nearly enough in front of the camera. Now that I have a beautiful camera, I think I take way too many pictures because of that very reason but once again, I'm just behind the camera.
Today I grieve and it's hard. I've seen it coming. It doesn't get easier, it is just different. Loosing Garrett meant I've lost a lot of memories, some family and our friends. There is hardly anyone left in my life that knew us all along the way and could fill in the memories when I say "Remember when..."
As I looked through pictures it seems the few pictures I have are of our wedding. Here's a few:
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| Us, my parents and my mom's parents. |
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| Us, my parents & my dad's parent. Only 1/2 of the people in this picture are here today. |
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| Us and my parents. |
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| Garrett & my mom. |
Sunday, January 8, 2012
As I pray...remember 4 years ago
I posted a few days ago about a mother, Anna, who went to the hospital to have her 7th baby. During that time severe complications have led to her fighting for her life in the ICU. She has had at least 21 blood infusions and 5 surgeries. She has had seizures and many blog clots. Her family is surrounding her in prayer and are there around the clock reading her the Bible, praying, rubbing her feet and being there to calm her anxiety.
Her sister-in-law is a fellow blogger who has a blog sharing her family's journey trying to adopt a child from Africa. For the past week, she has blogged about Anna and found her blog going from 50-60 hits a day to seeing over 10,000 people follow her blog as she shared the updates and specific prayer requests. You can follow the blog and learn how to pray for Anna at http://thegregoires.blogspot.com/.
As you prayer, remember Anna's 7 children and her husband. I know the stress that her children are feeling without her and without dad being he is at Anna's side as much as possible.
As I pray, I am remember a time four years ago. I am remember being in the ICU with my husband. I remember my kids needing me, needing daddy and not understanding why this was happening. As I pray, I remember the long nights in the hospital. I remember the first several weeks friends and family were there around the clock. I remember reading scriptures day and night. I remember praying without ceasing. I remember want to have a personal face to face talk with God.
As I pray, my heart breaks for this family because not only do I pray but I understand. I read the blog and prayer requests and I can hear what the doctors are saying to them. I understand what being in the ICU sounds like, smells like and looks like. I know what the nurses are saying. I know that in the beginning, the first moments, the words make no sense and there are questions that seem to make no sense. I know that you don't know what to ask at first and the information seems to come faster than a brain can process. I know that at the end of the day, the day doesn't end...it doesn't end.
Every moment your spouse is in the ICU is a moment your life is on hold. The only thoughts that consume your mind are in the moment. The future doesn't exist but for the fleeting "what ifs" that you pray God will silence. When I prayed, I would feel clear and peaceful. During that time God gave me true understanding of peace that surpasses all understanding. I felt anxiety that reaches high peaks followed by God quieting my spirit.
Each day had different challenges. How can I be here at his side when he is anxious and only wants to connect eyes with me and still be at home giving kids baths and tucking them in bed at night? How can I sleep when each "new" beep in the room could mean something? How many more times can I hear a nurse or doctor's opinion and not let it color my belief in our Savior having the power over all of it? How on earth did I find myself encouraging our friends and family?
As I pray, I remember. For me, those days turned into months and then over a year. For me, there where more than 5 months of ICU days, 2 months of rehab days and 7 months of in and out of the hospital. For me, I lost my husband four years ago tomorrow. For me, my story is a walk in faith and grief hand in hand. For me, I found my voice, my heart, my passion and the ability to be comfortable in my lack of focus.
As I pray, I thank God this family has Facebook and blogs to share Anna's story, to share prayer requests and to share updates. As I pray, I thank God that I have been able to see into this story...even just peeking from the outside. As I pray, I thank God even though these prayers bring my story, my feelings and my grief to the surface again, that all those things give me the power of specific prayer. As I pray, I understand that God gave me my story and He is using me today to pray. I would love to reach out and do...but being this couple years God has been teaching me the lesson of "being still" I have found that I can just pray.
Four years ago, my story changed in ways I could not have begun to imagine. I now walk in the belief that God speaks to me through my grief. I walk with grief but do not let it walk me. I no longer try to get "rid" of grief but I look forward to seeing what God teaches me as I grieve.
Today, I pray for a different story for Anna. I pray for healing and restoration. I pray for protection over her family and friends as they open their hearts and lives to care for her and her family. But mostly today, I pray for Anna's husband. I pray for the strength, clarity and peace. I pray for hope and faith. I pray for protection from the fears and worries the enemy tries to bring. I pray for sleep and rest. I pray for quiet moments and in those for God's voice to be loud and clear.
My story is mine and I walk with it daily. I know I cannot separate myself from it and do not try. I am grieving my losses today. I am praying today...and I am blessed.
Her sister-in-law is a fellow blogger who has a blog sharing her family's journey trying to adopt a child from Africa. For the past week, she has blogged about Anna and found her blog going from 50-60 hits a day to seeing over 10,000 people follow her blog as she shared the updates and specific prayer requests. You can follow the blog and learn how to pray for Anna at http://thegregoires.blogspot.com/.
As you prayer, remember Anna's 7 children and her husband. I know the stress that her children are feeling without her and without dad being he is at Anna's side as much as possible.
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| Anna's Family before her 7th was born. |
As I pray, my heart breaks for this family because not only do I pray but I understand. I read the blog and prayer requests and I can hear what the doctors are saying to them. I understand what being in the ICU sounds like, smells like and looks like. I know what the nurses are saying. I know that in the beginning, the first moments, the words make no sense and there are questions that seem to make no sense. I know that you don't know what to ask at first and the information seems to come faster than a brain can process. I know that at the end of the day, the day doesn't end...it doesn't end.
Every moment your spouse is in the ICU is a moment your life is on hold. The only thoughts that consume your mind are in the moment. The future doesn't exist but for the fleeting "what ifs" that you pray God will silence. When I prayed, I would feel clear and peaceful. During that time God gave me true understanding of peace that surpasses all understanding. I felt anxiety that reaches high peaks followed by God quieting my spirit.
Each day had different challenges. How can I be here at his side when he is anxious and only wants to connect eyes with me and still be at home giving kids baths and tucking them in bed at night? How can I sleep when each "new" beep in the room could mean something? How many more times can I hear a nurse or doctor's opinion and not let it color my belief in our Savior having the power over all of it? How on earth did I find myself encouraging our friends and family?
As I pray, I remember. For me, those days turned into months and then over a year. For me, there where more than 5 months of ICU days, 2 months of rehab days and 7 months of in and out of the hospital. For me, I lost my husband four years ago tomorrow. For me, my story is a walk in faith and grief hand in hand. For me, I found my voice, my heart, my passion and the ability to be comfortable in my lack of focus.
As I pray, I thank God this family has Facebook and blogs to share Anna's story, to share prayer requests and to share updates. As I pray, I thank God that I have been able to see into this story...even just peeking from the outside. As I pray, I thank God even though these prayers bring my story, my feelings and my grief to the surface again, that all those things give me the power of specific prayer. As I pray, I understand that God gave me my story and He is using me today to pray. I would love to reach out and do...but being this couple years God has been teaching me the lesson of "being still" I have found that I can just pray.
Four years ago, my story changed in ways I could not have begun to imagine. I now walk in the belief that God speaks to me through my grief. I walk with grief but do not let it walk me. I no longer try to get "rid" of grief but I look forward to seeing what God teaches me as I grieve.
Today, I pray for a different story for Anna. I pray for healing and restoration. I pray for protection over her family and friends as they open their hearts and lives to care for her and her family. But mostly today, I pray for Anna's husband. I pray for the strength, clarity and peace. I pray for hope and faith. I pray for protection from the fears and worries the enemy tries to bring. I pray for sleep and rest. I pray for quiet moments and in those for God's voice to be loud and clear.
My story is mine and I walk with it daily. I know I cannot separate myself from it and do not try. I am grieving my losses today. I am praying today...and I am blessed.
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| The girls & I with the pallbearers after they carried the casket to the car to be taken to the grave site. |
Friday, January 6, 2012
Desperate prayer needed for a mom of 7...please join me in prayer
I have been following the progress and praying over this woman Anna who I've never met. She is the aunt of Megan's friend.
Please join with me in following Anna's story and praying. Once again, please check out this blog for updates and further information thegregoires.blogspot.com
The gist of it is this: Anna went in to have her 7th baby and severe complications have led to her being in the ICU fighting for her life. I cannot begin to retell the story the way her sister-in-law has on her blog. So I am just going to encourage you to check out this blog for more information. thegregoires.blogspot.com
In her blog she states that she went from 50 some hits a day (sharing their family's journey trying to adopt) to 10,000 from around the world praying for Anna. This is the power of praying people. Facebook and Blogs have brought a new meaning to prayer chains.
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| Anna & her family before the birth of her 7th child. |
Please join with me in following Anna's story and praying. Once again, please check out this blog for updates and further information thegregoires.blogspot.com
Thursday, January 5, 2012
When I grow up...
I have got to stop tell my kids that I want to have no kids when I grow up. I'm really going to give them a complex. I mean now I'll say something like, "You know what I want?" and my kids will reply, "No kids when you grow up." Some parts of me are totally joking and then...well, I am a little bit looking forward to not have them under my care for the rest of my life.
Here's the thing: I became a mom—a single mom—at 19 years old and then a mom twice over at 21. Ryan was a young dad too. We made our kids are world and they still are. I love being a mom. I love taking care of my kids. I love all the little things and the big things about being a mom and most days the work involved doesn't bother me.
I know my kids have a great education at the school they attend so driving them to school everyday is the part I play as well as homework, projects and volunteering. I know that my kids building relationships with other peers is an important part of their development and so sleepovers and play dates are part of our lives. I know my kids will grow bigger and stronger when I feed them healthy food so I make most of our meals to insure they have a healthy diet. I know that giving my kids chores will help them be productive in life so I follow them around and make sure they do everything.
The truth is I do look forward to my kids growing up. One of the benefits to being a young mom is that I will be done (as done as you can be) raising my kids when I'm still young enough to enjoy it. I know a lot of people do it the other way around, enjoying their youth then having a family, but I've never really been like a lot of people. I kind of like it this way. I'll still be young enough to play and financially strong enough to do the fun things I want to do.
So when I grow up (or rather my kids do), I want to travel. I want to take vacations that do not revolve around whether or not the hotel has a pool (an indoor pool at that). I want to explore, hike mountains and see the world and not worry about having enough sunscreen, water and snacks (and knowing where the closest bathroom is). I want to go try fancy restaurants that I would never take the kids because who want to pay $10 for mac n cheese just because its gourmet (and the kids wouldn't eat it because they used "weird" cheese anyway). I want to come home at the end of the day, have a glass of wine and laugh and talk with my hubby till we realize we're hungry and then just go out to eat, or shop at the organic market and buy just we want to eat for just that night.
Until then, I will go to the hotels that are kid friendly. I will explore with a backpack full of snack, water and sunscreen. I'll always know where all the bathrooms are. I will eat out rarely and pick places that are fun for the whole family. I plan dinners in advance and make sure they are healthy and most of the family will like it.
Most of all, I will enjoy this time and savor it. I will remember there will come a day when my holiday is about my kids' families and I will be the extended family. I will have fun dates with my kids and crazy conversations. I will enjoy nights when dinner is the crock pot so we all lay on my bed and watch "Super Nanny" (feeling very grateful the whole time my kids are not terrors). I will stop telling my kids "When I grow up..." (even though I'm mostly joking) and I will enjoy today.
Here's the thing: I became a mom—a single mom—at 19 years old and then a mom twice over at 21. Ryan was a young dad too. We made our kids are world and they still are. I love being a mom. I love taking care of my kids. I love all the little things and the big things about being a mom and most days the work involved doesn't bother me.
I know my kids have a great education at the school they attend so driving them to school everyday is the part I play as well as homework, projects and volunteering. I know that my kids building relationships with other peers is an important part of their development and so sleepovers and play dates are part of our lives. I know my kids will grow bigger and stronger when I feed them healthy food so I make most of our meals to insure they have a healthy diet. I know that giving my kids chores will help them be productive in life so I follow them around and make sure they do everything.
The truth is I do look forward to my kids growing up. One of the benefits to being a young mom is that I will be done (as done as you can be) raising my kids when I'm still young enough to enjoy it. I know a lot of people do it the other way around, enjoying their youth then having a family, but I've never really been like a lot of people. I kind of like it this way. I'll still be young enough to play and financially strong enough to do the fun things I want to do.
So when I grow up (or rather my kids do), I want to travel. I want to take vacations that do not revolve around whether or not the hotel has a pool (an indoor pool at that). I want to explore, hike mountains and see the world and not worry about having enough sunscreen, water and snacks (and knowing where the closest bathroom is). I want to go try fancy restaurants that I would never take the kids because who want to pay $10 for mac n cheese just because its gourmet (and the kids wouldn't eat it because they used "weird" cheese anyway). I want to come home at the end of the day, have a glass of wine and laugh and talk with my hubby till we realize we're hungry and then just go out to eat, or shop at the organic market and buy just we want to eat for just that night.
Until then, I will go to the hotels that are kid friendly. I will explore with a backpack full of snack, water and sunscreen. I'll always know where all the bathrooms are. I will eat out rarely and pick places that are fun for the whole family. I plan dinners in advance and make sure they are healthy and most of the family will like it.
Most of all, I will enjoy this time and savor it. I will remember there will come a day when my holiday is about my kids' families and I will be the extended family. I will have fun dates with my kids and crazy conversations. I will enjoy nights when dinner is the crock pot so we all lay on my bed and watch "Super Nanny" (feeling very grateful the whole time my kids are not terrors). I will stop telling my kids "When I grow up..." (even though I'm mostly joking) and I will enjoy today.
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| Out with the Kids exploring Bishop's Castle this fall. |
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| Gotta love the kid who has to be in the shot ;) |
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