Six little girls...oh my!

Yes that's right. I'm a gluten for punishment. This past Sunday we had SIX little giggling girls in the house at one time.

Being the mom of three girls very close in age, sleepovers can be a bit tricky. Most of the girls' friends are friends with all my girls. Just having one girl over means I have three girls that want to spend time with one girl. That can be a bit overwhelming for that poor one girl. Instead, I try to plan sleepovers that include several friends. This time we just happened to pick three girls that each paired up with one of my three girls and they all know each other.

It was a blast for them. I even "participated" in some of the festivities that enjoyed. The first part of the evening was friendship bracelets. Yep, we're at the age when girls make bracelets out of string and they have great meaning. They want to know the friend's favorite colors. The talk about colors non-stop and carefully plan a design. Some gave up because it's really a lot harder than it looks. Some took to it naturally and others couldn't seem to talk and make bracelets at the same time.

Then it moved on to fudge. We got each of the kids a different fudge favor when we were in Cripple Creek the week before. They generously share a bit of fudge with a friend. Oddly, the girls once again paired up on fudge choices. Then there was popcorn and a movie.

The girls didn't get off to bed till very late and I heard them talking much after lights out. All in all that makes for a pretty successful sleepover. In the morning they made a fairly long list of activities that they wanted to do including: trampoline, Wii, board games, doing hair, putting on makeup and more friendship bracelets.

It won't be long before these days end or I'm no longer invited to the party. I'll have to cherish this moment and thank God for all my little girls!

I just fell apart

Last night, I just fell apart. I mean everything came unraveled. It all fell out on the floor. You would have though I was 3 years old. All the things that have been bothering me just spilled out all at once and all I have to say is I have an amazing husband.

When he gives me that smile...I know I am loved.

He is patient, kind and loving. He is always on my side. I know that when I'm crying and a mess and nothing makes sense, he'll listen and hold me and tell me we're going to make it...even when I don't believe him. When he walks away, he comes right back. He reminds me we're a team, I'm not alone and that we have the best protector in the world on our side. He tells me he loves me even when I've said things that hurt him. And then...he waits until I can hold him back never letting go as I try to pull away and sob.

I am broken, but mending. I am hurting and tired but renewal and refilling are here.

Last night was the culmination of the realization that I AM NOT IN CONTROL. Wait, I'll say it again (not for you but for me). I am not in control. Deep breath in and out and ouch. Am I really here again? Am I really struggling with this yet again? How many times do I need to learn this lesson? I am so grateful to have a patient Heavenly Father willing to teach me this over and over and also bless me with an amazing husband that stays next to me while I learn this again and again. This is not like riding a bike. I am completely a mess every time and act as if I've never been here before.

In the end, I realized I am grieving, again. It is a life long theme for me. I'm not saying that I alway am grieving but that it is something to which I relate. It is how my Heavenly Father teaches me, talks to me and how I quiet so I can listen best. I don't think everyone learns the same way and so I don't think everyone has the same trials. I, however, grieve well. When I grieve, I listen, slow down and obey. It seems that after every good cry about all the things and people I have lost, the quiet afterwards brings the healing and the lesson.

So today I am a little quieter. I have learned what He wanted me to learn (or at least for this moment). AND most importantly, I have recognized that I am grieving. I will not take this and shove into the back corner. It's out in the open. I have had great loss in 2011, not greater or bigger or worse than other years of loss...just different.

The end of the year comes and goes as only a way to mark the time. A few days ago in 2011 aren't terribly different from today in 2012 but it does mark the time. It is when we reflect. It is when we see if we met our goals. It is when we realize what we have lost and what we gained. It is a time to realize how much happens in a year and then realize a year is such a small portion of life. 2011 is over. It was a year of growth, realization, prosperity and blessings. For all those things I am truly blessed and grateful. It was also a year of change, loss and grieving and weirdly I am truly blessed and grateful for those things as well.

2011 started a new light in my life. I am looking forward to being the "out of focus" gal I am. I like a little bit of everything. I don't know where I'm going (ever). I don't like making decisions and I'm okay with all of that. I started a new blog as an inspiration to me and part of grasping who I am. I have made several 30 day challenges and you can follow that blog at Out of Focus for now

As to the personal stuff...that will remain here. This is where I will be vulnerable and hang it all out there as I always have. This is where I share my family's adventures, joys and blessings. This is where I will continue to share my journey through grieving and my belief that grief is always good as long as you don't get stuck. Thanks to the many family and friends that have encouraged me these past several years as I have found my footing in the blogging world. The many times I wanted to hang it up it was always a blessing to hear from you when you said, "I have read it every time" and "Don't stop writing" and "I hear a little bit of your mom in your writing." You all have been my inspiration. I don't have a focus and I'm okay with that. THANKS SO MUCH! I love you all!

As always...thanks for listening. I look forward to hanging it all out there again this year.

2012...here I come.

So here's my 2012 goals:

This year I want to challenge myself to several 30 day challenges. Now when I say 30 day challenge, I'm not saying that they must be done 30 days in a row but that I will do them till I've done it for 30 days or 30 times. I would like to make some new habits, try some new things and "spice" up life. Some challenges will be done at the same time and others I will focus on doing just one thing.

Oh...and the key part of these challenges will be blogging about them along the way. Look for a new blog starting soon and a new format.

Here are a few of my ideas:
1. Clean (and I mean deep clean, purge & organize) 30 different areas of my home (as small as a draw & as big as a room)
2. Crock pot cook for 30 days (this I would like to do 30 days in a row)
3. Cook 30 new & different recipes
4. Try 30 new spices in my cooking (some may be in my cabinet that I've never used...toss the ones we don't like)
5. Don't eat out or order pizza for 30 days (great one to be combined with 30 days of crock pot cooking)
6. Knit 30 new & different projects
7. Read 30 new books (obviously this will take more than 30 days)
8. Walk/Jog/Run 30 miles every 30 days (so that will keep me going to the gym more regularly)
9. Go 30 places I've never been (explore Colorado a bit)
10. Hike 30 trails

That's all for this challenge. I figure 10 different 30 day challenges will probably take me the entire year. As the year progresses I plan on reevaluating these challenges maybe scraping some that don't work and adding new ones that sound interesting.

As to my other 2012 goals:

Spiritual goals (as they are every year): 1. Grow closer to God 2. Walk with confidence in the Calling God has on my life right now (the right now part is the crucial part for me this year) 3. Invest spiritually into my loved ones (family and friends).

Personal Goals: 1. Blog more 2. Facebook less 3. Grow my knitting business

Relation goals: 1. More date nights with the kids 2. Be more intentional 3. Listen 4. Let go

Physical goals: 1. Get back to my work out routine 2. Eat Healthier & Cook more

Financial goals, though most of these are private I do have these: 1. Stick to our Budget 2. Make a profit at my knitting business

Last Blog of the Year...

It's been an interesting year. Many things have happened that I would have never imagined. I'm not sure that I could have expected this year or planned for it and don't know if I've really "recovered" from all the events of the year quite yet.


I looked back to see what my 2011 goals are and there are many that I have completely fallen short of even being able to say I completed them. There are others that I did "better" than years previous and some that I feel proud to say I accomplished my goal.


So as to the 2011 recap, I have several different goals categories: Spiritual, Personal, Relational, Physical & Financial. 


I would say my Spiritual goals are always a work in progress. I feel closer to God and have felt His calling on my life strongly this year. I was able to travel to Africa and while I did struggle being there because of family struggles at home. I felt God move in my life while there. Many things became clear in my journey in the very last moments of the trip. I was able to see God in a new way and find a passion that I have always prayed God would instill in me. 


Our family journeyed away from Vanguard Church. It was a painful move in that we didn't want to go. We loved our family there and that community is one I can say I learned what community truly was but God was very clear and we obeyed. We found a new church home at Boulder Street church and are looking forward to what doors God may open for us in ministry and leadership as well as growth for this church. Our kids are on fire for God and that excites me as a parent. 


This year has been a year of spiritually investing in my friends. It has been a give and take. There are some amazing women (and you know who you are) that have prayed over me, with me and for my family. I have been able to walk with several friends through dark valleys and high mountains. I have cried with almost all of them and feel blessed to pour into them all that God has blessed me and receive all the blessings they pour on me. Thanks ladies! I love you all! Life is beautiful and blessed somewhat because you remind me that it is!


As to my personal goals I can say that I did Blog more, read more and Facebook less. I didn't journal at all nor write letters to my loved ones. I think the Blogging served as journaling and there were many blog posts that never got published being they were very private so in some ways...I guess I did journal. I guess I was partially successful here.


My relational goals are also like my spiritual goals and always a work in progress. We did instill date nights with the kids and so far they have gone really well. We haven't done as many as I would like but I have to remind myself we have 4 kids! I think we each have had a one on one date with each kid. Our kids are enjoying it and looking forward to it. Some of the dates have been a lot of work and others just flowed. It's interesting to see what the kids want to do. I actually sat at a yarn store with one of the kids and looked at pattern books for a couple hours. Afterwards, she said she would love to do that again. It was a moment when I realized that though it was something I enjoyed, she loved just spending time with me and seeing what I liked. She keeps asking when we'll do that again. I feel blessed to have kids that love me and my passions and want to be apart of them because sure feel the same way about them!


As to my physical goals...this year is a bust. For the first time in my life, I have not worked out consistently. My girlfriends and I were talking about this for a bit because it really bothered me. I have always been the friend in my group that got them to go outside and walk or jog or run (okay mostly walk). I have been the one that got up before my family woke up to walk or swim. I like to be active. The only time in my life I wasn't working out was post babies (c-sections & working out don't mix). I'm a bit of a health nut and in fact it was one of the first things one of my friends remember about me. I made a salad for a pot luck and everything in it was organic. I like to be the one that can eat what I like but work out to afford that luxury and I would rather eat raw, organic cheese and rice crackers than any sweets ever. When Ryan and I married, it was one of the things we loved about each other...we loved to be healthy. I changed a lot of the foods in our diet and have stuck to most of it. This year, something happened and I haven't been to the gym in SIX months. I think I've worked through most of the things that I think have been apart of that and hope for a more successful workout year.


As to our financial goals, mostly we keep those private but I will say this year we have done what we said we would. We have stuck to a budget and made future plans. We have been able to do many things we wanted and still have several long term goals in the works. 


All of this was really for me. I needed to see in black in white what I've done this year. I'm by no means patting myself on the back but I am saying that 2011 was a year that I did move forward. I'm looking forward to 2012 and hope to put some goals together in the next several days and blog a little about that then. Like I have said before, I don't believe in resolutions but goals. If I'm going to resolve to break bad habits and make new ones, I'm not going to wait till January 1st to do so. I need to take those things on as they arise. I feel I've done that this year. So here's to next year...it's a way to mark the time, reflect and celebrate. I plan on doing all of that today!


As always, thanks for listening.

And then there were none...

I am a widow.

Being remarried does not remove that title. I will always be a widow. My first husband died and forever gave me this title though over time, it seems to have gotten lost.

As I dug out the Christmas ornaments this year, I was reminded of this. Each year, each member of my family gets an ornament from me (I even get myself one). It was hard to see some of these ornaments and remember Christmases past.

I remember meeting with a friend shortly after my first husband died. She too is a widow and was already remarried when we first met. She told me all kinds of things that happened to her that I couldn't even believe would ever happen to me. She told me that one by one, the family and friends seem to  disappear. The life before becomes a distant memory.

At first, all our friends and his friends rallied around me. They comforted me and supported me. They didn't let me be alone. They bought gifts for my kids. They celebrated holidays with us. They invited us to all their big events.

Then I started hearing about events through the grapevine and wasn't invited. I found out people had babies and got married but we didn't get announcements let alone invitations. Phone calls weren't always returned and then I called one day and didn't even have the right phone number anymore. One day I noticed I wasn't friends with many of them on FB anymore.

I kept thinking this couldn't be true. These people were my husband's best friends, our friends and family. They were in or at our wedding. They were at our baby shower. They came to our parties and we came to theirs. Where did they go?

All of the sudden I realized that it had happened. One by one they all moved on and did not want to dwell on the past. Though I do not want to dwell either, I can say that it has just been another thing to grieve. Not only have I lost my husband, but too many parts of the life we had.

My kids were so young when they lost their dad and there is hardly anyone in their life to share with them about their dad, about the memories they had of him, about who he was. I only had him for eight years (not even a third of his life). Every child wants to hear about what their parents were like when they were younger.

The sad thing is that my kids have moved on as well. They don't ask about him as much. They don't ask about his friends or what he was like. Honestly, I don't share about him as much either. We have all moved forward...BUT he is still apart of our family. He is still important to us.

I haven't written this because I'm upset with people for moving on. I write this because there was a time when I thought I would never be able to move past this. I thought I would never get over loosing him. I thought it would still hurt when our friends started to drift away. I thought I would always feel lost,  always grieve, never feel home again and never love again.

I thank God daily for the life for which He has blessed us. I thank Him for the love He gave me. I do still grieve and holidays are still hard. I miss our friends and family but I love the friends that are still around, are new and all the new, big family.

I don't want to be just like you

There are many things that I want for my kids. I want them to be happy, healthy, loved and loving. I want them to experience life and follow God's will for their lives. I want them to be generous and blessed. I want them to be passionate and forgiving. I'm sure everyone reading this is nodding their heads. You may want this for your children or just for yourself. These are values we seek as a human race as well as Christians.

What I don't want for my kids is them to get caught up in the "American Way" of getting the next best thing, keeping up with the Jones and never getting all they WANT. At Christmas, I see this all around us. The TV ads are filled with "selling" my kids on the next greatest and best fad or toy. This gets them  talking about what they want and what their friends want. So I shared with them this week about what I want for them.

I want them to want to give back this month. I gave them lots of examples on the way to school one morning and asked them to each come up with something to give. They all had great answers though at that hour, I think it was a bit difficult. However, I was pleasantly surprised that they shared more ideas with me later that evening. I told them I don't want them to be just like everyone else. I want them to not feel like they are driven by wants. They seem excited to give and have started making lists of things that can give. I told them we would help them with some things they may not be able to do on their own but I have found they have already come up with several things they don't need help accomplishing.

So here's some of the things my kids are going to give or have already given:

-popcorn to share with the class
-white elephant gift
-secret Santa gift
-small gifts for their siblings and grandparents (some purchased & some made)
AND then my favorite:
-MONEY to get uniforms for kids in Rwanda so they can go to school!

I'm sure there will be more. I'm seeing their generous hearts. I am blessed to have wonderful kids!

Giving it all back...it was never mine in the beginning

There are so many things with which God has blessed me or my family. The list is so very long that I could start today and never finish. I feel amazingly blessed to be a child of God.

Through the month of November, many of my friends took to sharing 30 days of thanksgiving on FB. I enjoyed reading the many thanks my friends shared. It reminded me of the little and big things for which I was thankful as well. In the past several months I have not been on social networks as much since my much needed FB fast and therefore I did not commit to sharing things everyday in November. Nonetheless, I have many things for which I am thankful.

In December I am making a different kind of commitment based on my thankfulness. I am giving back everyday till the end of the year. This month reminds me of the ultimate gift: our Savior. He gave so that I could be saved. I want to live that out by giving what He calls me to give. Everyday I will be giving back and hope to share some of that here. Some things our family will give we will keep private and somethings we'll share. This is not about patting myself on the back for giving but to remind myself that I am blessed to give and I do not want to forget to do so.

I hope we have the opportunity to see different types of giving, meaning:
-gifts of things we do not need,
-gifts of things we do not use,
-gifts of things we have in abundance,
-gifts of service we can provide, 
but also
-gifts of things that will cause sacrifice &
-gifts of things that we may never get to see the blessings from the gift.

Yesterday I gave away a dog kennel that we have been storing in our garage.

Today: we'll just see what God is calling for us to give.