Curiosity killed the...

Okay why do people have to be so curious? Why do they have to ask such dumb questions when they don't know what to say? Why do people have to know things that really aren't their business?

We're a blended family...not whipped. We're not broken nor do we need your help fixing things. Yes, all the kids in my home have a different combination of parents. Do you need to know who "belongs" to whom?

Let me ask you this...would you walk about to an acquaintance that was pregnant and ask who the father was? Then why do you ask me who the father is of my children or which ones are mine? They are all mine. I mother all of them. I may not be the only mother but I am the mother in my home in which they live either some or all of the time.

I don't try to pretend I know what it feels like to be their mom. I don't try to act as though I am the authority and the end all et all for them. I just take care of them and love them.

I cook. I clean. I take kids to appointments and school. I help with homework. I make them do chores. I care for them when they are sick. I tuck them in at night. I wake them in the morning. I buy them clothes and school supplies. I listen to their problems and help them find their way. I throw them parties and buy them gifts. I make special holiday dinners and clean up after it all.

I'm not the only adult who makes decisions on their behalf and sometimes I don't get to make the decisions but I have to carry them out. I love them just the same. I don't feel more or less love for any of my kids. The only difference is I have loved some for a longer period of time. That's it!

I'm pretty sure I just love them all. You don't have to tip toe around my family and figure out who calls me mom or my husband dad and make sure you address us the same as they address us. It's okay to call me mom and know my kiddo may call me by my name. It's okay to call us "your parents" and you don't have to say "dad & step-mom". My kids know what you mean. I am after all a step-parent so I have earned the title "parent". It's not okay to ask about who is their "real mom" or "real brother". We're all real. Just as isn't not okay to ask adoptive families anything with "real" as a descriptive word for a person. We are not mythical creatures. We all live and breath.

You may want to know how people are related in a family but unless you are close enough to be considered family (in which case you already know), then it's none of your business. Blood does not make family...love does.

If blood makes family, then my husband isn't family. Hmmm...doesn't quite work out does it?

I say follow the clues. If I say, "Hey, I want you to meet my step-daughter" then it's obvious I'm drawing the lines. You don't know why nor do you get to ask. Maybe mom and step-mom have an agreement or dad and mom don't want a fight with mom or the kids are uncomfortable when things aren't clarified. Here's the thing...it's none of your business.

When I say I have three daughters, 1- 9th grader and 2- 7th graders, it's natural to ask if I have twins. When I say, "No, we're a blended family" it's not okay to say, "Which one is yours?" In fact so many people have been so disrespectful to our family that we've actually started a joke to see if anyone will catch it. When asked if they girls are twins, we have actually told many of that they are nocturnal twins. People don't even seem to bat and eye and just continue on with the conversation.

Well if you're not smart enough to see what I've just said then I'm sure you're not smart enough to understand our family dynamics. We don't fully understand it so why would you?

In fact we have told people they are identical twins several times...I think you have to have some fun with stupid people some times.

Here's my identical twins:

Family fun on our last family hike! 

The little things add up...

Don't fool yourself...

The world doesn't revolve around you.

Here's the thing...

We all experience comparison envy. The grass is always greener on the other side. If you've seen my yard, you know this to be true. (Mostly because I don't have anything to be consider grass...sad I know but hey, one day I'll get around to making my yard pretty but for now, I have healthy kids and I'm good with that.) I am one to compare...I try not to do it but it's hard.

I've been having a lot of "life lessons" conversations with kids. One in particular is that everyone is not happier than you all the time. What I mean by this is this...

When I leave the house in the morning, I try to have my best foot forward when facing the world. I get dressed, do my hair and paint on my face. I put on a smile as the last accessory. I put my shoulders back and my head up. I smile politely to the people around me and go about my day. When I see friends or acquaintances, we chat and laugh and smile and have a nice time. Then I come home after a long day and try to take my troubles one at a time. By the end of the day, I'm tired and sometimes very overwhelmed. I struggle with little things and somedays they pile on me till I'm huddled in my bedroom on the verge of tears. But the world...it never sees that side of me. Everyday I do the same thing and I'm not alone. We don't run around the world on the verge of tears, vomiting our worries on everyone we touch. We hold up our heads and get things done. Somehow, this has told our kids, everyone is happy all the time and...why can't I be?

They compare their lives to what they see. They see happy people all around them. They look at social media and everyone is posting happy vacation pictures and fun social events. They see the TV world where everything is resolved in an hour or less. They read books with happy endings. They hear about success all around them.

But I don't want the world to change...

I don't want them to live in a world where they see everyone hanging their heads in worry and stress. I don't want them to see only the bad and the ugly on TV or social media. I don't want people to surround them and cover them in their fears and worries.

But then the life lessons come to life.

I'm having a bad day and I text a friend on the fly...already in my car on the way to her house asking if I can come over. She is an amazing friend and answers immediately with, "YES, of course." I come with shoulders hung low. My head is cloudy and tired. I'm frustrated with life and with me. I've made the life I live and 90% of the time I love it. But that day...the 10% was weighing heavy. I was barely able to make sentences to express what I was thinking.

I once lived a life of bitterness and anger. I was an "in your face" kind of person expressing just what I thought...which was usually anger. I had a lot fire and wasn't afraid to unleash it. I pushed people away better than anyone and the result...I was alone, tired and bitter.

Then through friends, therapy and of course a lot of God, I changed. I made a different reality. I wasn't angry all the time anymore. I wasn't blaming the world or God or the random passerby for all the things that went wrong in life. I was at peace and felt healing grab every area of my life.

I let more go now. I live in service to others and try not to push people away. I work hard on my relationships and try to live a "happier & healthier" life. When I compare, I usually find I'm unhappy. I don't get as many likes on a comment or a picture or not as many people read my blog as others or this person got to have the vacation or the wedding or the dream I wanted.

Here's what I've learned and try to teach my kiddos, online life is false. We know who are real friends are by the way they bless our lives and the way we bless their lives. We know we are loved because we feel it and see it up close and in person. We may put on our happy faces for the world to see but our friends are ready at a moment's notice to let you stop by and cry your mascara off (I really do need some waterproof mascara).

And those are the little things that add up...not likes or shares on FB. Not hits on a blog or comments. Not followers or friends on Google +.

The friends that let you stop by on a moment's notice. The friends that answer late night texts or phone calls. The friends that come by on a moment's notice with kids in tow. The friends that make plans with you and show up. The friends that are close enough that you can break plans because you're tired and not get mad. The friends that come over and share the good, the bad and the ugly. These are not truly little things. These are the big things in life that define us. That bring us from looking out and comparing life and back to earth grounded in what matters.

I have found that there are no little things in life...because the 90% of me that is happy is made up of a network of loving people, little gestures, date nights, TV with the kids, dates with the kids, dogs who play with soccer balls, friends who stop by and let you stop by, pool days with friends, people who shoot texts on bad days, friend who remember special days and hard day, trips with friends, vacations, special dinners, and on and on and on.

Life is full of the little things and none of them are really all that small. They teach my kids life lessons. They saw a mom defeated and tired go off to a friend's house and come home renewed. They saw a dad stressed about the "to do list" of life and then he fixed a fence and was happy and so was the dog. They saw a friend come to the pool and make the best of the 40 minutes they got to be in before the storm rolled in. They saw a camping trip with ups and downs and had lots of fun even when people got sick.

In the end, I know I will stumble and compare again. I will try to fight off envy and the desire to live like the beautiful false FB world. I will fight the urge to fall into discontent over these things. My kids will watch me and learn. They will find their paths and their true friends and they will live happy & healthy lives and maybe raise the bar to living 95% happy and I will join them there!

Widow Woes...

More than 6 years ago my life forever changed. I never thought I'd have the life I have today. As time passes, it seems the world around me has forgotten. In some ways, I have forgotten.

Let me be clear, I'll never "forget" losing my husband. There isn't a day that goes by that I'm not reminded of it. I look into my daughters' eyes and think of all the things Garrett is missing. I have heard them laugh and wish he could hear them. Every once in a while, I'll think back to something and try to remember the details only he would know. Holidays are hard...no matter which holiday it is.

This past week, my sweet friend Angelina lost her sister. I have spent many hours with her or on the phone with her and my grief comes creeping back. I have lost 7 family members in the past 6 years. I have spent a lot of time grieving. I have cried my share of tears and have come to my friends over and over with tears and grief and confusion.

Somehow in the midst of grief with Angelina this week, I have been reminded of the blessings. As sad as it is, I have felt blessed to be on the other side this time. Because of the grief I have journeyed through these past few years, I have been able to just be there for her. I have listened to her process the mixed emotions and express her frustrations. I have heard her share about the blessings her family and friends have poured out on her this week. I have remembered but I'm not raw anymore. I have cried for her and her family. I have remembered my losses and cried...but then, sleep comes at night. I am not crying myself to sleep and opening my eyes to tears in the morning. I have just enough distance to be there for Angelina but not too much distance that I have forgotten what I needed during my losses and tried to be those things for her.

Tomorrow, we will celebrate Angelina's sister, Lani's life. I didn't know Lani but through Angelina and yet I miss her. I grieve for Angelina's loss and the things Lani will miss. I grieve as I hear my friend trying to "muddle" her way through this. I listen to her process the mixture of all of it coming at her at once. I laughed at her "bad" jokes and tell a few of my own. I reminded her of things she once told me almost surprised when she says she doesn't remember saying them (as grief seems to take away our ability to remember anything but grief). She was a rock for me through one of the darkest times in my life and her words pierced through it. 

She expressed some overwhelm and feeling like she was asking for too much. I reminded her that she once told me she was a grown woman with boundaries to say "no" if she needed and wouldn't offer something she couldn't give. I am doing just what she has done for me. There are no tallies in friendship but in some ways we are the type of friend that our friends are to us. I could never "pay" her back for all she has done but feel in no way stressed, overwhelmed or overextended to give back to her now.

It's truly amazing how God heals our hearts so we can give back. I hate that my friend is hurting but love that I understand this hurt. I know what God has called me to do in life and this is a moment I get to walk in that calling. It isn't fun. It isn't glamourous. It is what it is. 

I have felt as though I was called to those who grieve long before I lost anyone really close to me, before I lost Garrett, my grandpa, my mom, my uncle and all my grandmas. I struggled with loss knowing I was called to the grieving. I felt it would have purpose but still didn't want it. For me, there is no greater calling to which God could have called me. I am the one who cries with those who are crying. 

I am a widow. Yes, I'm remarried and love my life, my husband, my step kids and all the ups and downs of a blended family. At the end of the day, I am still a woman whose husband died. I was widowed. Today I have cried tears for all the people who are gone. Today I have remembered them all as if it was yesterday. Today I have allowed my heart to grieve as I prepare my heart to love on my friend tomorrow while she grieves. 

No one knows how hard this will be or what will be hard. No one know what one little things will set off tears or anger or the 9,000 other emotions that come during grief. What I know is I'm here. That's all I have to offer. 

Thank you all who have walked with me through my grief these past years. You are all part of making me the woman that stands strong today. Words cannot express how grateful I am for the words of encouragement, the meals, the girls nights and the babysitting that got me through the hardest moments. Today I stand strong, still grieving at times, but strong. I stand here to love on those as they grieve. I am walking in this with confidence that God will give me the words to say or lead me to the things I can do to help ease the burden so others can be free to grieve.

I don't think we ever get to a point where we're just done grieving the loss of someone. Today, my grief looks different than it did 6 years ago. I still miss Garrett. There are days when I call a sweet friend, Jessica, who shares a lot of fond memories of him and I just cry. Why she keeps answering the phone is beyond me... I am truly blessed to have amazing women in my life who just keep answering the phone.

So here I am... All I have to offer is that I'll keep answering the phone. If you need to cry about it years from now, I'll still answer the phone. Grieving doesn't have a time line and friendships don't either. The little things I can do seem so little to me but I remember the littlest things had the biggest impact on me. One of my fondest memories is my friend Melissa picking up my girls and taking them to lunch (and she made them brownies). The still talk about how special they felt. So please remember, if there is only one thing I can remind you...nothing is too small. The words, "I don't know what to say" are better than saying nothing at all. 

Noelani "Lani" Swayde 

With all that said, I wanted to share the giving page we set up for the family to help them cover the cost of the funeral. If you want to give you can. 

Lani's Funeral Fund



If you want to send a meal, let me know. I'm more than happy to help you get a meal to them. You can sign up through Volunteer Spot. If that's too overwhelming, just message me and I'll set it up for you. If you want to bring a meal to Angelina on a day that isn't listed for her family, just let me know.

Meals for Lani's Families



If you want to come to the service, please feel free.

All services held at Woodmen Valley's Stone Chapel
290 E. Woodmen Rd.
Viewing: 1:00 pm
Service: 2:00 pm
Reception: Immediately following service



If you would like to leave a message for the family in Lani's memorial book:

Lani's Memorial Page



I just wanted to say that nothings too little. Every little things helps. I love this family more than words can express. I just wanted to take a moment to pay tribute to Lani and love on them. As always, thanks for listening.

Megan's For Missions

Not every teen girl has focus...in fact most teen girls can't focus beyond today. My daughters are no different. The issues our girls face are ones of epic proportions and no one can possibly understand.

But...

I also have girls who are caring, loving, loyal and gentle. They are amazing friends, sisters, daughters and young women. They enjoy life and their smiles brighten the world.

Our oldest, Megan, it no exception...

She is an amazing girl. She gets good grades, helps out at home and babysits with gusto. Though the teen years have been rough at times, her smile always seems to shine through.

When we made the decision to join yet another new church in the past several years, she was part of the driving force behind the decision. She is on fire for God and we wanted to find a youth group that would encourage her fire.

The very first time she stepped foot into the group, she made friends and came home with a form to go on a missions trip. Daddy and I discussed it with her in length. Though I was secretly thrilled my daughter wanted to go on a missions trip, I was also a mama bear wanting to protect her and make sure everything was safe.

I went with her to the informational meeting last week and was reassured when all my mama concerns where addressed. She would be safe. She would have fun. Most of all, she would be forever changed by her experiences just as I had on my missions trip through the years.

Then this past weekend, I traveled to Minnesota to honor my grandma's life. At her funeral service, so many people got up and talked about all the missions trips and different service projects my grandparents had done. I was blessed an amazing to come from such a strong family with a heart for missions.

That heart didn't fall far from the tree because as I was home for just hours, Megan started to talk about her upcoming missions trip. I feel so blessed to have a daughter walking in Grandma's footsteps...on fire for God and willing to serve. Megan was named after my grandma, Margaret. Megan is the Irish for Margaret and they both mean pearl. As I look at these two amazing people in my life, I feel blessed to have them as my pearls.  I miss grandma and look forward to watching Megan strive to follow after such an amazing woman.

Just a few years ago...the last time Megan got to see grandma

Please consider helping my daughter raise funds for her trip. The monies will go to her deposit, supplies required by the program, some spending money for meals not included in the trip and all additional money she raises will be donated to her youth group fund to help others who need help raising funds. There is a link to the right column of this blog to donate.

I know I come from a family (on both sides) who have big hearts for missions. I have missionaries all around me. I feel honored to help my daughter go on her first missions trip as I know there will be many that follow.

Ignored?

I have found recently several people have removed me from Facebook. These people were not people with which I once went to school a million & a half years ago. These are not people with whom I haven't spoken in years. These are people I thought were friends. Now I understand people deleting their account but they just removed me.

Once again I stand at the door of social media and wonder why I ever opened the door. I find myself hurt over and over. 

People remove me... I hurt. 

People don't like my status... I wonder if anyone listens. 

People don't comment...I wonder if I have offended. 

I start to wonder if anyone is out there. I start to think my friends aren't real friends. I remind myself over and over that Facebook creates false intimacy. I've blogged about that before. I've struggled with knowing if I should keep my Facebook. Then I do because it helps me stay in touch with loved ones that are far away. 

But then in the end...I feel ignored.

It causes me to write less, blog less, and post less on social media. I isolate in response to being ignored. I crawl into a hole and wonder how I got there. 

The same lovely, amazing people keep showing up in my life just at the right time and encourage me to write. Others tell me they are glad I stay on Facebook so they can stay in touch. They read but just don't comment. 

I think to myself how am I going to leave my footprint on the world. I want to make sure that I always communicate with others clearly. I try hard to like things on Facebook from friends and family just to let them know I am here. I comment to create communication. I write to express the inner me. 

Others do not communicate with writing like I do. They are not ignoring me. They just don't write like I do. It's hard for me to understand that because I always write. It's a natural form of communication for me. It happens without a second thought. I write every day even though I don't post. I write things in my head all the time. If others do not write, it doesn't mean they are not there. 

So are you there? How do you let people know you are there? Do you call? Do you make friend dates? Do you write, text, email or comment on social media? Let someone you care about know you are there and thinking of them today. Make sure they know they are not ignored!

Thanks to all my girlfriends who make sure that I know I am loved & not ignored. 

Words that are so offensive...

Did you know that saying Happy Holidays could be the last thing you ever say?

No I'm serious!

People are really up in arms about this, this year. There are people willing to pick different businesses or quit going somewhere because of the usage of Happy Holidays.

Did anyone stop to think that maybe we are wishing you well in the this entire holiday season? You know...from Merry Christmas/Eve, Happy New Years, Kwanza, or Hanukkah or WHATEVER may fall from Thanksgiving till January.

Good grief people! Get a grip.

I'm a Christian and celebrate Christmas. But maybe I choose to say Happy Holidays because I'm referring to all of it. Maybe I hope you have a wonderful few weeks and are happy. Maybe when you get up in arms because of my words, you've lost sight of the whole reason I said Happy Holidays in the beginning.

Maybe I picked my "holiday" card because I liked the picture. Maybe I said "Happy Holidays" in passing to someone I don't really know.

Why is it okay to be up in arms over words?

Why in December is it okay to be irate for Jesus?

This makes no sense to me. I have seen far to many FB posts about the Merry - Holidays debate.

GET OVER YOURSELVES!!! AND BE HAPPY!!!!!

There are so many words that we as society give power. We don't need to make these words so strong that during the month of December people feel they have to watch their words or pick the right card.

Maybe they bought a pack and send them to Uncle such-in-so that is Jewish. Maybe they just want you to be happy! Maybe they just hear it so much, that's what they say.

I will say that this past week when I was shopping at the grocery store a young gal bagging my food said "Merry Christmas" as she handed me my bag. The sincerity in her voice is what touched my heart. I believed at that moment she wanted me to have a wonderful Christmas. It really made my day.

So people...relax. Yes, continue to think about the words you use. But more than that....think about the words and what they mean. Use your voice and body language to send your message. Don't give words so much power that a card that says "Happy Holidays" will send you into a tizzy. Just remember to send the message with feeling. Really mean what you say. Don't forget what the words mean.

The next time you say, "Have a good day," try to say it in a way that the person believes you want them to have a good day. Do that every day all year long. Then if you choose to say, "Happy Holidays" next year, maybe the person will hear your intent. Maybe it will warm the heart as the young bagger warmed mine.

Lets all stop trying to fix how everyone does or says things this year. Maybe we need to be sincere and focus on letting everyone know what we are thinking and feeling by expressing ourselves "better".

Okay...off my soap box.

And thanks for listening.

She's a mean one...Mrs. Grinch

I really cannot help it. I don't mean to be a Grinch. I don't know what comes over me...

Okay...

I take that back. I know exactly what comes over me.

The other night the family was watching Duck Dynasty. It's a family favorite around here. We love that this family is down to earth. They aren't afraid to be Christians and pray. They have values and morals with which we agree and they are outdoorsmen. Love it.

Anyhow...one of the brothers, Jase, isn't into Christmas like everyone else. He said something like, "If you want to celebrate electricity, then put lights on a tree." He said he doesn't like celebrating the make up things of Christmas but just the true meaning.

Light Bulb!

It hit me...that's one of the things I hate most about Christmas. I'm glad my kids are done with Santa though I never really pushed it one way or another. There was always something special under the tree from Santa and the stockings were a "Santa" thing. But I'm glad we're done with that. We still do stockings but the kids know it's from us now.

I am married to a Christmas person. He loves everything about Christmas.

Me?

I can barely force myself to get out the decor. It's a huge job. And though I love certain things about it...I'm not sure I would be all that upset if we didn't do any of it.

Okay, okay, okay...before you freak out on me.

I mean the decorating. Outside lights. Inside lights. The lit up village. The tree...oh the tree. We get a real tree. That's the one thing I demand. Then there's the lights on the tree. The ornaments. Oh...and the tinsel. If you don't know it, the Morrison Clan does it up with tinsel (that's the other little thing that's me). One year we had 10 packages of tinsel on the tree.

Then there are Christmas cards...haven't sent any out yet. I've prepared them 5 years in a row...still sitting in a box downstairs.

Christmas cookies. I follow my mom's old recipe and would rather just sit & eat the dough but the kids, they get out all the cutters and decorate them all.

Shopping...yuck. I just don't like shopping and not just Christmas shopping. I just don't like shopping. It's a thorn in my side. Then you have to wrap it all. Can I just tell you if I had the money, I would so pay someone to wrap it all.

Then there are the 10 places we have to go. There are holiday concerts and parties. There are events at people's houses. Then there is Christmas with the family which happens two different days.

Ugh. I'm tired just thinking about it...because well...I'm a Grinch (which of course is just another made up character).

I have a tree in the living room. We'll decorate this Sunday. I'm sure I'll have fun. We'll make hot cocoa and light a fire and the kids will laugh and there will be a lot of reminiscing. We'll talk about the reason of the season. We'll be around each other and love each other.

And...well...

I'll survive another Christmas season.

My perfect Christmas?

We'd go away to a destination. No decorating. No gifts. We would spend the holiday together, around a fire, and make memories. We would remember the reason for the season and if I did any shopping at all, we'd donate it to needy families.

But here's the thing....

It might be perfect for me, but not for anyone else. My whole family loves all the things that I find to just be a lot of work. They have traditions and memories of years past. They want to make new memories. They want to decorate. They want to make cookies. They want to have gifts to open and watch others open gifts.

So Mrs. Grinch over here will just pick herself up and put on her "big girl pants" and just "suck it up buttercup" (to quote Hals). I'll have fun in the end and be glad we did it all. I just have to find that thing that will make my heart grow two sizes too big so I can give my family another great Christmas.