Let me be clear, I'll never "forget" losing my husband. There isn't a day that goes by that I'm not reminded of it. I look into my daughters' eyes and think of all the things Garrett is missing. I have heard them laugh and wish he could hear them. Every once in a while, I'll think back to something and try to remember the details only he would know. Holidays are hard...no matter which holiday it is.
This past week, my sweet friend Angelina lost her sister. I have spent many hours with her or on the phone with her and my grief comes creeping back. I have lost 7 family members in the past 6 years. I have spent a lot of time grieving. I have cried my share of tears and have come to my friends over and over with tears and grief and confusion.
Somehow in the midst of grief with Angelina this week, I have been reminded of the blessings. As sad as it is, I have felt blessed to be on the other side this time. Because of the grief I have journeyed through these past few years, I have been able to just be there for her. I have listened to her process the mixed emotions and express her frustrations. I have heard her share about the blessings her family and friends have poured out on her this week. I have remembered but I'm not raw anymore. I have cried for her and her family. I have remembered my losses and cried...but then, sleep comes at night. I am not crying myself to sleep and opening my eyes to tears in the morning. I have just enough distance to be there for Angelina but not too much distance that I have forgotten what I needed during my losses and tried to be those things for her.
Tomorrow, we will celebrate Angelina's sister, Lani's life. I didn't know Lani but through Angelina and yet I miss her. I grieve for Angelina's loss and the things Lani will miss. I grieve as I hear my friend trying to "muddle" her way through this. I listen to her process the mixture of all of it coming at her at once. I laughed at her "bad" jokes and tell a few of my own. I reminded her of things she once told me almost surprised when she says she doesn't remember saying them (as grief seems to take away our ability to remember anything but grief). She was a rock for me through one of the darkest times in my life and her words pierced through it.
She expressed some overwhelm and feeling like she was asking for too much. I reminded her that she once told me she was a grown woman with boundaries to say "no" if she needed and wouldn't offer something she couldn't give. I am doing just what she has done for me. There are no tallies in friendship but in some ways we are the type of friend that our friends are to us. I could never "pay" her back for all she has done but feel in no way stressed, overwhelmed or overextended to give back to her now.
It's truly amazing how God heals our hearts so we can give back. I hate that my friend is hurting but love that I understand this hurt. I know what God has called me to do in life and this is a moment I get to walk in that calling. It isn't fun. It isn't glamourous. It is what it is.
I have felt as though I was called to those who grieve long before I lost anyone really close to me, before I lost Garrett, my grandpa, my mom, my uncle and all my grandmas. I struggled with loss knowing I was called to the grieving. I felt it would have purpose but still didn't want it. For me, there is no greater calling to which God could have called me. I am the one who cries with those who are crying.
I am a widow. Yes, I'm remarried and love my life, my husband, my step kids and all the ups and downs of a blended family. At the end of the day, I am still a woman whose husband died. I was widowed. Today I have cried tears for all the people who are gone. Today I have remembered them all as if it was yesterday. Today I have allowed my heart to grieve as I prepare my heart to love on my friend tomorrow while she grieves.
No one knows how hard this will be or what will be hard. No one know what one little things will set off tears or anger or the 9,000 other emotions that come during grief. What I know is I'm here. That's all I have to offer.
Thank you all who have walked with me through my grief these past years. You are all part of making me the woman that stands strong today. Words cannot express how grateful I am for the words of encouragement, the meals, the girls nights and the babysitting that got me through the hardest moments. Today I stand strong, still grieving at times, but strong. I stand here to love on those as they grieve. I am walking in this with confidence that God will give me the words to say or lead me to the things I can do to help ease the burden so others can be free to grieve.
I don't think we ever get to a point where we're just done grieving the loss of someone. Today, my grief looks different than it did 6 years ago. I still miss Garrett. There are days when I call a sweet friend, Jessica, who shares a lot of fond memories of him and I just cry. Why she keeps answering the phone is beyond me... I am truly blessed to have amazing women in my life who just keep answering the phone.
So here I am... All I have to offer is that I'll keep answering the phone. If you need to cry about it years from now, I'll still answer the phone. Grieving doesn't have a time line and friendships don't either. The little things I can do seem so little to me but I remember the littlest things had the biggest impact on me. One of my fondest memories is my friend Melissa picking up my girls and taking them to lunch (and she made them brownies). The still talk about how special they felt. So please remember, if there is only one thing I can remind you...nothing is too small. The words, "I don't know what to say" are better than saying nothing at all.
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| Noelani "Lani" Swayde |
With all that said, I wanted to share the giving page we set up for the family to help them cover the cost of the funeral. If you want to give you can.
Lani's Funeral Fund
If you want to send a meal, let me know. I'm more than happy to help you get a meal to them. You can sign up through Volunteer Spot. If that's too overwhelming, just message me and I'll set it up for you. If you want to bring a meal to Angelina on a day that isn't listed for her family, just let me know.
Meals for Lani's Families
If you want to come to the service, please feel free.
All services held at Woodmen Valley's Stone Chapel
290 E. Woodmen Rd.
Viewing: 1:00 pm
Service: 2:00 pm
Reception: Immediately following service
If you would like to leave a message for the family in Lani's memorial book:
Lani's Memorial Page
I just wanted to say that nothings too little. Every little things helps. I love this family more than words can express. I just wanted to take a moment to pay tribute to Lani and love on them. As always, thanks for listening.
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