He should be 35

Last Friday, March 23rd, would have been my first husband's birthday. He should have been 35. He's not...

He turned 30 and then stopped. Just 3 months before his 31st birthday, he passed away. Actually he celebrated his 30th birthday in the ICU. I remember waking to 15+ ICU nurses and techs singing to him. I laid on my cot, facing the window and cried.

Garrett's last birthday celebration was in the hospital. 30 is supposed to be a mile stone, a moment in one's life he will always remember. I guess in someways it is...just for me, not him.

Each year, the girls and I get a Boston Cream Pie (his favorite dessert) and have a piece in his honor. The first year without him, many friends and family member joined us for a big celebration...we called it his "Forever 30" party. The second year, it was just me & the girls celebrating. Now the past two year, we have cake with our family and though it's weird for Ryan and the kids, the kids secretly look forward to having Boston Cream Pie.

This year, I couldn't eat one bite. We had the cake twice and I served everyone else. I couldn't even get it to my plate. I laid in bed and cried. I cried, "He should be 35 but he's not." I was supposed to grow old with him. I was supposed to have a lifetime with him. I laid there and just cried...because he should be 35!

Over the past several years, I have grieved so many losses. I lost my husband...and his family. Then I started loosing our friends one by one. Most of his friends have moved on. I woke up one morning and realized I have very few people around me that remember him, not the sick him...HIM. My girls don't seem to really remember him anymore. They parrot back the same stories I have told over and over. There are so many stories... So many stories that are just lost. We have a couple dozen pictures of him (that aren't our wedding pictures). We have a really short video he made in the hospital. Most of my last pictures of him got stolen on a disc. He's fading and I can't seem to hold on to him for them.

Celebrating his 27th birthday with friends at Gunther Toodies in  Denver

He should have been 35. We should have had Boston Cream Pie together. We should have been talking about our future. We should have been celebrating the girls milestone. He should be 35.

This is our last picture together before he got sick...and it's not even focused!

World Water Day!

This post was going to be on Saturday after tomorrow's post about our family doing Random Acts of Kindness (RAOK)...but today is World Water Day and I really want people to join the cause! All donations today are being matched, so a $5 donation turns into $10!

Our family made a donation to a wonderful cause featured on a friend's blog. My friend Mandy, is fundraising donations to hire well mechanics in India. It takes $550 to train a mechanic. One mechanic with care for 50 wells and that will bring water to 5,000 people. This is an amazing adventure and I pray they meet their goal.

Check out Mandy's blog: Houle House

She has already raised enough money to train 3 mechanics and is going for 4!

Give here.

Right now she is doing a raffle and the prizes are amazing. Some are local to Colorado Springs to receive the items and others can be nation wide. A small donation can make a world of difference. Please consider donating today. I am donating a hat I created to the raffle as another part of this RAOK.

The raffle is here and just message her the item on which you want to bid!

Today's Random Act of Kindness was also Paying it Forward. This blessing will keep on going. There are many ways as a family we want to do our RAOK and sometimes, like today, I didn't even leave my bedroom. A couple clicks today will help change tomorrow.

My dad taught me...

So recently many people have been sharing a blog on Facebook. The article is 50 Rules for Dads of Daughters. Check it out. It is totally worth reading even if you're not a dad or a daughter.

As I read this I thought of my dad who, by the way, is totally my hero. I wanted to be him when I grew up. I can't really be him when I grow up but I did totally marry a man like him.

As I read the 50 rules I can see many my dad followed and of course some he made up along the way. So I wanted to reflect and take a minute to come up with the 25 things my dad taught me, many stemming from those 50 rules...and in no particular order.

That's love...getting ready to give your daughter away!

1.  Whistle. This may be the very first thing he taught me. He used to walk around with me as a baby and whistle to me. The story goes that when I was just 6 months old I whistle back. Today I still find myself whistling around the house. It certainly can brighten any day.

2.  Math. He used to do "story problems" in the car with me to get me better at mental math. He always helped me with math and made me think it through even if the teacher said it needed to be done way. I wouldn't say I'm a math genius but I can do math!

3.  Slow down. My dad was usually the last one to finish dinner (unless we were having peas, then it was me). In our home, we sat at the dinner table together until everyone was finished. I learned to slow down and enjoy my food and my family. Today, my family sits around the dinner table until everyone is finished.

4.  Ask for help. I watch my dad receive help with humility and grace and give help without expecting anything (to include a thank you). He didn't do it all and I learned I didn't have to do it all either.

Just too many sock...so I asked for help...Amazing kiddos to the rescue.

5.  Pray. This may be one of the most important lessons. He prayed aloud with me, for me and just near me. I learned how to pray by his example.

6.  Love the outdoors. My dad is an outdoorsmen. He used to say that he was going to run away to be a hermit in the mountains. I told him that would be really hard to do since we would all follow him. Because of him, I love camping and hiking and being outdoors (as long as there aren't mosquitoes eating me alive).

At the edge of a water fall near Creede, CO.

7.  Throw. I still throw like a girl but that's certainly not from lack of trying. My dad bought me a baseball mitt and ball, a basket ball and a football. He taught me to throw all of them and catch too. Though I didn't like it, I liked that he wanted to teach me and so I tried.

Even taking me to games didn't improve my throw.

8.  Persistance. He taught me to keep trying, to not give up and to get back up. I was probably the biggest chicken when it came to trying new things. He didn't yell. He didn't stop trying to teach me. In fact, he gently encouraged and sometimes skillfully bribed. I learned to go down slides, jump into pools and ride a bike. Eventually I ended being adventurous and made him ride all the roller coasters...and he did.

As the stories go...he dumped me over on my face in this sled.

9.  Dance. Okay, he didn't really teach me to dance, but I "danced" by standing on his feet while he held my hands. Then later he danced with me at weddings and daddy/daughter dinners. He then taught me to never forget to dance. 

Dancing with dad on my wedding day.

10.  Date. Yes he taught me how to date. My dad dated me my whole life (and if you're reading this dad, we're a little overdo on our date). We would go to breakfast when I was little. Dinner when I was older and sometime dessert if we didn't have a lot of time. We even took a few trips camping (just the two of us).

Daddy/Daughter Banquet 2008...he even bought me a corsage

11. Friendship. Not only is my dad one of my best friends but he also modeled friendship. He has amazing friends that he has had all my life. He holds himself accountable to them, prays with them and has a lot of fun with them. I learned all these things by watching and experiencing it.

Friends & family from all over the country that came when my mom passed away.

12.  Laugh at myself. My dad probably teased me more than anyone ever in my life (in a loving and playful way). He taught me to not take myself or things too seriously, to laugh and to let loose a little.

Nothing better than a profession photo with my tongue hanging out.

13.  Fish. Okay, he probably did most of it, but he took me fishing. Yes, he put the bait on the hook and took the fish off the hook. He filet the fish and then cooked it too, but he always told others about all the fish I caught and let me tell my very own fish stories.

Papa teaching my girls to fish.

14. Drive. My dad is an amazing driver. He knows how to drive defensively and now I do. I know how to drive in the snow, get out of a skid and park a beast in a small spot. I know how to merge (I don't think anyone else in CO knows how to do that). I know how to avoid accidents and I'm not an aggressive driver.

Yep...that's about how I feel thinking about teaching a teenager to drive!

15.  Car maintenance. Well this may be the thing about which I learned the least...but I know how to change a flat, check my oil, refill some of the fluids and start a car with a manual coke. Because this is the end of my knowledge, I learned to call when things go wrong. Now, being married to a mechanic, I think I may have let most of this information go and have used that brain space for other things.

16.  Mow. He taught me how to mow the lawn, pull weeds and edge the grass. I don't like doing it but I certainly know how. I think he taught me so he wouldn't have to do it but nonetheless I learned!

17.  Drill. He taught me how to use power tools. I used a saw, sander and a drill. He bought me my first tool kit when I moved out on my own and I still have it. Though I married a very handy man and don't need to do much home repair, I know what tool to hand him when his head is under a sink or he's on a ladder.

18.  Generosity. He always gave what ever he had whenever it was needed. He helped friends and neighbors. He worked on repairs at the church and even a few places I worked. He always told me that God blessed him with things so that he could give them. He knew that God would continue to provide and so he continues to give. I cannot begin to thank him for the generosity he has shown my family.

Dad & Diane on vacation with our family.

19.  Punctuality. Okay, I'm not great at this but it's not because I didn't have a great teacher. My dad was always punctual. He took pride in being on time to things and be respectfully of other people's time. 

20. Humility. My dad is the most humble man I know. I watched him take responsibility for things that he did wrong. I watched him respond to lessons learned with grace. I watched him admit he was wrong. Somehow through all of that it made him look perfect in my eyes.

Takes a certain kind of man to dress up & stick on a beard for a church event.

21. Eat, Drink and be Merry. Yep, my dad knows how to have a good time. It seems every family function is about a little wine, a lot of food and a whole lot of fun. He busted out the moves on the Wii "Just Dance 3" this Christmas.

That's some Just Dance 3 on the Wii...caught ya ;)

22. Love music. I may have never loved music the way I do if it wasn't for my dad. I grew up with so many records and the radio. I discovered The Beach Boys and Simon & Garfunkel but also Phil Driscoll and The Gathers. We listened to the oldies and Christian music and a little Willie Nelson too. I didn't grow up listening to Pop music and seemed to be out of the times as a teen. I grew up listening to my dad's music. Today, I still listen to his music, have found some of my own and still don't listen to much Pop music.

Yep, that's me at a piano recital a million years ago.

23. Love God. My dad loves God. My dad loves God. I thought that sentence deserved to written twice. He had taught me about God and loved God my whole life. I feel I have an intimate and blessed relationship with God because my dad loves God.

Reading verses at his dad's memorial service

24. God's love. Yep just reversed that previous one and my dad taught me about God's love.

25. Nap. Yep that's my favorite...saved it for last. My dad always knew how to take a nice nap in his chair and I do love me some naps!

*Now don't get me wrong, my mom took part in teach many of these. I love my mom and they were partners in life, love and raising me. This is just a tribute to my dad. I love you dad. There are many, many more lessons I could post but I felt 25 was a nice number...also I didn't think people would want to read the millions of things my dad taught me.

Water polo...no horses needed

So my sister-in-law, Lulu, is in her PhD program in Arizona. She's on their water polo team. She played for Colorado College (CC) while she was there getting her undergraduate. She came here last weekend for a tournament and even played against CC with a few of her past team mates.

We had the pleasure of watching her play. When I told a friend, his first response was (I hope jokingly), "Do they throw the horses in too?" This, of course, caused hubby to say they should ride one of the other players. He and his uncle spent the rest of the game reinventing water polo. The new game included ride another player and having mallets which then turned into Lacrosse stick and flinging the ball into the net. Though I'm sure that would be very entertaining to watch, I'm not sure it's really going to turn into a competitive college sport.

Lulu is the goalie with the red on her cap.

Amazing save...man she come high out of the water!

She's got an arm on her.

When she throws...

...she can get the ball 1/2 way across the pool!

Another amazing save.

Cass watching Auntie Lulu

Megan

Cute face Haley.

Alex watching with cousin Tristan

Cousin Tristan with Aunt Amy

Watching the game.

Aunt Margaret & Uncle Chris with Ryan

Another Engagement...they say they come in 3's

WOW! This is the year for love or something! I have yet another engagement in my life. This one is family. My brother is FINALLY marrying Kelsey. We already consider her family so I guess this just makes it official.

I can't wait to celebrate with them. I don't know any of the details because the men in my family are just like that. I found out on FB. Oh well, at least I found out in advance. I found out my dad got married after the fact. He happened to mention it as they were shopping for a TV at Best Buy. To be fair, it was just the civil wedding (at the DMV). I actually did get to be in the ceremony and do a reading. I feel blessed to have been a part of their wonderful day.

To Kelsey, Mike & Aiden (my nephew), I can't wait to celebrate the "official" joining of your family. I hope you have many happy years ahead of you. I pray for a blessed, long marriage. I couldn't be more happy for you. I've been praying for you guys for so many years and will always pray for you. I pray you have all your hopes and dreams fulfilled. I pray not only for a beautiful wedding, but for a beautiful marriage. I am so excited to have another sister!

It seems like just yesterday it was my dad, my brother, the girls and me. Now we have big, beautiful family (really big...thanks Diane). Here's to you...

Congratulations!

Kelsey's Ring

Redemption: Undefined and Unrefined

For many years, I had no idea what redemption really was. I grew up Christian and knew the sacrifice that Christ made on the cross. I knew He redeemed me and that I had eternal life not by my own actions but by His blood. I knew a lot of things about redemption and I had experienced the "standard" redemption the Christ gives all of us, but I think there are specific redemptions that God plans for each of us. Those, I did not understand for quite some time.

I think there are things God redeems before we know we needed them redeemed. Those are the undefined redemptions.  They happen and we only can see them in hind sight. As we look back and reflect on a particularly rough time or trying situation, we can see God redemption in it. We can see His plan clearly and reflection defines the redemption. After all, hind sight is 20/20.

One of the undefined redemptions in my life is my marriage. In my first marriage we had struggles.  The truth is, there isn't a truly intimate relationship that doesn't have struggles. To make this story short, I came to realize my part when my first husband was already sick and in the ICU. God took me through an amazing healing process. He opened my eyes and groomed me and pruned me and recovered the dark areas of my heart. I became a new me, a softer me, a less bitter me, and a more loving me.

The sad thing is, it was too late. My husband never recovered. When he died, I was in the depths of redemption. I wanted to redeem this marriage. I grieved so much that I never got to be the wife a husband deserves. We didn't get to grow old together side by side loving each other till our senior days. God "fixed" me and I didn't get to live that out with my first husband...but like I said, this was an undefined redemption.

My redemption in marriage came. I didn't get to be that for my first husband, but he did get to see that I was learning and changing. I do get to live that with Ryan. Ryan was my undefined redemption. God redeemed me for an undefined future. He redeemed me so that I could be the wife a husband deserves, today. God created a new, softer and more loving me and stripped away my bitterness. I am a better wife today because of the pain through which I journeyed. 

There were many months I grieved that my first husband did not live to experience the new me. God gave me peace here. God redeemed this as well by reminding me that my first husband was in His care which was his redemption. My redemption was getting to live out the "new" me with Ryan...and so undefined redemptions are sometimes hard but the wait is always worth it.

As for the unrefined redemptions, I think those are of our own doing. You see, God has a perfect plan but the problem is that He made us human. We like to "fix" God's plans and by doing so we leave a messy trail along the way, unrefined.

When God took me through my healing process, He showed me who I was. I had bought into so many lies over the years that I really didn't know anything about myself, down to the type of pizza I liked. I always think of the scene in the movie "Runaway Bride" when Julia Roberts is trying a dozen different eggs to find out what she likes. She had always eaten eggs however her man at the time ate his eggs. Here I was, a full on grown up, that didn't know what I liked to eat, who I was or what my "style" was.

I went through a long and painful introspective process and learned a lot about who God designed me to be. Some of it was joyful and exciting. It was like Christmas morning, discovering all my likes and dislikes. Other parts were painful and I grieved some things over and over. 

One of the most important things God revealed in me was my calling. I am called to those who grieve. Wow, by the way, that was a fun one to discover. I am called to grieving. Ouch, come on God, really?!? I have spent a lifetime grieving, which of course is why I called to those who grieve. I understand it. I relate to it. I can cope with it. I feel close to God through it. I hear God clearing during it. I "get" grieving. 

Now, that is not to say that I grieve all the time or that God surrounds me with pain and suffering, though sometimes it feels like it. What I am saying is it is like the verses on season..."season to grieve". There are other seasons too. There are also other types of people. As a body, we need the people that understand grieving and those that understand rejoicing.

I just happen to be the friend that most of my friends know they can come and cry. They can share their pain and suffering. They can talk and I'll listen. Somehow, I seem to really understand it all. I can just relate to grief...and grief is unrefined. No one does it "well." It isn't something we want on the front page of the book of our life. Our darkest hours are just that. Grieving is just plan ugly.

So I live a life of unrefined redemption. God has called me to be the shoulder to cry on. I get the messes. I am often the first phone call when things go wrong. Don't get me wrong, sometimes it's hard, but the truth is, I'm called. I feel fulfilled in living this out with people, people I love, people I know and even people I just met. I am comfortable in the hospital waiting room. I don't get scared when people are hurting and crying. I'm not uncomfortable when people fall apart.

With that said, there is part of me that sees the other side and wonders, "Why Lord, did you call me to the pain and not the joy?" I do celebrate with others. I do hear the good things in their lives, but I'm not called to that. How is it that God called me to all this grieving and I'm good with it? It seems like you'd have to be stupid to be "happy" about being "sad."

At the end of the day, I usually do not get the first phone call when good things happen but I do get the "bad" phone calls. I have a lot of crying conversations and they aren't usually tears of joy. When things are really good, my phone is usually silent, but I'm a loyal, faithful friend and will always be available when needed. I have friends that I am the only one that has made it through their years of pain. I have friends that cry and I cry with often. 

To my wonderful friends: Please don't ever feel you need to apologize for being a mess with me. It's my calling. God gives me strength to walk with you through those hard time. He refills me so I can endure through the hard times with you. I understand your pain and want to walk through the valleys with you. I think of the footprints poem sometimes in a new way. Sometimes there are only one set because He carries you and even when there are two, sometimes He's carrying you and I'm walking along side. I hope you never feel alone in the dark time. I am waiting here to serve you in your pain and I love you.

A.D.D. Cleaning...

I cannot be alone here. I have major issues cleaning. I think I may have A.D.D., but only when cleaning. Is that possible?

Let me just give you an example.

Last night I went into the kitchen to do dishes and think about what I may want to make for dinner. I started by emptying the dishwasher but something really good had happened and I had called my hubby to tell him. He didn't have the response for which I was looking so I called a girlfriend.

At this point I'm still emptying the dishwasher but notice that there are dishes that didn't dry all the way and went to grab a dish towel. The dish towel pile was low and I remembered that there were towels downstairs that needed to be folded. So I ran downstair and asked Megan to fold the towels.

Then I went back upstairs, still on the phone with my girlfriend and knocked over a pile of mail. I picked it up and started sorting through it...junk mail, hubby's mail, dad's mail, brother's junk mail (do I even get mail at my house?). So then my girlfriend has to go get off the phone, which is fine because I'm not rinsing dishes because I'm on the phone.

I start rinsing dishes and loading the dishwasher. I empty a counter and want to wipe it down. The clorox wipes are across the kitchen and as I go over there, I see several things that need to be put away. I take some dirty towels to the hamper (a big bucket in the boys bathroom) and discover how gross the bathroom is. I would normally let that wait, but we have a guest in our house tutoring Haley and what if she needs to use the bathroom. So I grab the clorox wipe (which got me distracted in the first place) and start to wipe down the bathroom. I still have dinner ideas brewing in the back of my mind so I can't do a full clean, but I can at least wipe things down and put things away.

As I take things from this bathroom to mine, I realized there are several things in my bathroom that need to be put away...and it's on my way so I mind as well consolidate trips and take them with me and put them away. At this point, I realize I'm really off track and I go back to the kitchen to do the dishes. I really need to get this done so I can have space to cook.

As I'm rinsing more dishes, I realize it has started to get dark so I go to the living room to close the blinds and turn on some lights. Then I see a few things out of place and straighten up for a minute. Okay...once again, off track and back to the kitchen. But I need to close the blinds in here too and man is it dark in here now. I need light.

So I turn on the light and notice I got a text message. Well I have to check that, it may be an emergency. It's not...some sale at Old Navy, which reminds me, I need to go there and look at clothes for the family. Okay...what was I doing. Oh yeah, rinsing dishes. Well the dish washer is mostly full so I continue to rinse and stack dishes.

Then, now hours later, I realized I still don't have a plan for dinner. I'll just post a comment on FB really quick to see if anyone has any ideas. Back to the dishes...but now I have to check to see if anyone had ideas. None that are working for my family. Okay I'll just jump on Pinterest for a minute and search for an idea. Ooooo, that one looks good. Look at the recipe. I have all the ingredients.

So I start compiling the ingredients and start fixing dinner. Most of the dishes are rinsed and stacked (except for that pan that has glue...I mean syrup on it...I'll leave that one for hubby's muscles). Cooking dinner...cooking dinner. It's a good thing I never started the dish washer, because I really need a couple things out of it to cook dinner. And now I have a pile of dishes that need to be rinsed. Stick dinner in the oven, start dish washer, rinse dinner cooking dishes.

There 3 hours later, I did one load of dishes and made dinner! Why is it I never get anything done and why are there little piles of things all over my house that need to be put away. Someone should really look into that.