I think I usually think of really good things associated with anniversaries: weddings, birthdays, years with a job or at a church or anniversary of meeting a great friend. But there are other anniversaries that are painful and do not cause pictures of good things or happy times. Yesterday was one of the latter kind of anniversary. It was the anniversary of Garrett's death. Three years ago, the girls and I journeyed through one of the toughest times of our lives, thus far. I want to share the story of this day and it may be too much for some. I share this because this is apart of my grieving process.
January 9th in very beginnings of 2008, I went to Memorial Hospital very early in the morning. The night before, I didn't leave the hospital till very late and I knew something was different that night. I talked on the phone with one of closest girl friends when I got home that night till very late. Something in me told me my life was about to change and though I knew what that change was, I certainly was not prepared. Around 5:30 in the morning, Garrett's nurse called to inform me that he was being taken to the ICU and I needed to get to the hospital as fast as I could. The next events happened in less than an hour but seemed as though I could not move fast enough (though when I look back I know everything was whirling faster than usual).
As soon as I got off the phone with the nurse, I called my dad and asked if I could bring the girls to he and mom. I asked if they could get them ready for school, feed them breakfast and take them to school. Of course, he said yes. While making this call, I was getting dressed, grabbing my things, grabbing the girls backpacks and finding my keys. I woke the girls up and shoved them out the door with uniforms in hand and drove over to my parents. My dad was waiting for them and met me at my car to grab everything. I headed straight to the hospital (and actually didn't speed on the way) and ran to the ICU (with which I was all too familiar). I was the first to arrive and had a few quiet moments with him before the world started to spin again. By 6:30 or soon after, his parents arrived and we talked with the doctor briefly. We then went to different areas and started making phone calls to friends, family, co-worker and pastors.
By mid morning, his small ICU room was filled with loved ones: some of my closest friends, some of his closest friends, family, pastors, co-workers. Then the doctor gave us the news I knew was coming but almost couldn't handle when I received it. It was time to let him go, shut off the machines, turn on the morphine and say goodbye. We asked how long and could it wait till his sister flew in from New York. The answer was soon and no we shouldn't wait too long. We trusted this doctor. He had been on the case for 13 months. He was on everyone's speed dial. So we decided to just take a little time to let us say goodbye. Each of us had a private moment with him and some family and friends that where too far away called to talk to him on the phone. He was not able to respond but we were told that he was capable of understanding us.
I decided to called my parents and ask them to pick up the girls from school and bring them to their house. When they got there, they called the hospital and we put the phone to Garrett's ear. The girls didn't know what was happening or know that they were saying goodbye, but I knew they needed to say one more nice thing to their daddy. Then my dad hurried off to the hospital to be with me.
When the last of the friends and family arrived, we let the doctors and nurses come in to shut off the machines. One of the nurses that cared for Garrett the most while he was in the ICU came in on her day off to be the one there for us. She assisted the doctor and stayed with us the entire time.
This is a little graphic for some...so you may want to skip this paragraph. The next 45 minutes, the whole family quietly sat in Garrett's room. Each breath he took was labored. Each breath came further from the next. In the last minutes of life, every breath surprised us. As the breaths got further apart, we expected them to stop but another would come and then another. This seemed to go on forever. Then they stopped. The nurse put a scope to his chest and called his time of death. I found myself weeping and laying with him. I listened for his heart beat, but there wasn't one. I weep for what seemed like hours. All I could think was the moment I leave this room, my life will be forever changed. I laid there and cried and prayed. I couldn't figure out what was happening. It didn't seem real. I knew it was coming the night before. I knew it was coming the hours before and yet I laid in his bed completely confused. I couldn't believe what was happening. I felt like the tears would never stopped. I sobbed and wept and cried and blubbered. Nothing around me seemed to matter.
Later I found out that my friends and family had gathered around me in a semi-circle. They all stood behind me while I grieved. As time went on, I was able to quiet my tears for a moment. Then I just felt empty as though I had wept all I had out onto that bed that day. I sat and could not move. More friends and family stopped in to see us. I just kept sitting there on his bed. After a while, I moved to a chair at his bedside. My friends were bustling around me getting me something to eat, a drink and making arrangements with hospital and funeral home. I just sat. I didn't want to leave the room.
When I finally left the room, I knew what was coming next. I was going to my parent's house to tell the girls. I had to prepare myself for this and decided to drive myself home. We had to load all of Garrett's things into my car. Though he had only been in the hospital two weeks this time, there seemed to be a lot of things. We got them loaded and I refused my friends' suggestion to let someone drive me home. I needed a moment. I got into my car, got on the highway and screamed at God, "Why, why, why, WHY!?!?!?"
Then I was sitting in front of my parent's house. My parent's, Garrett's parents and two of my pastors came to be there with me as I told the girls. All I remember saying is, "Daddy died today." The next thing I knew was our baby girl let out a cry that has forever pieced itself to my memory. I had two little girls on my lap crying like had the hours before. They cried for what seemed like forever. Then I got them into PJs and climbed into my parent's big guest bed with them till they fell asleep.
The days to follow are a blur though certain moments stick out. But the day that Garrett died seems just as clear as the day itself. The only thing I really do know for sure about grief is that is doesn't ever go away. Some may say it gets easier. I'm not sure that's true. I think it just get further away and consumes less time. But every anniversary, I relive that day. Not all the memories of that day are "bad" in fact many are really good memories. They are just hard memories. Memories I will always have. Memories the girls will always have. Some times we talk about it like it's a story being told, almost as if it happened to someone else. Some days we relive a moment and find ourselves standing in our room crying for what seems like no reason.
Today I write this as a memory that seems like it happened yesterday. My heart actually hurts and there is a lump in my throat of pain and grief. But I know that Garrett is loved in heaven and that helps. I know that God called many to care for me as a widow and for my girls. I know that many have forgotten and that's okay. I know that many have not forgotten. I may look like I have moved on, but I'm not sure that's accurate. I have moved forward...not moved on. The difference may be small but to me, I know what the difference is. I still grieve. I still carry Garrett in my heart every day. I still love him very much. I still miss the life we had together. I still keep him alive for the girls. But yes, I love others and did not stop living because Garrett died. If anything, he taught me how to love and how to let him go. I didn't want to and I don't think he wanted to leave but that was God's plan for us. I know that this time next year I will probably be hurting again and I'm okay with that. Not everything God has planned for me is easy or good but His plan is perfect. I am blessed today because of all of it...and that's enough for me right now.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Who are you?
So every once in a while my kids do something that makes me want to say "Who are you?" Sometimes that question is a positive thing and other times it's because I want to run from my life. The latter is what comes to mind today.
Having five kids brings a lot of variety to life. They are all so very different and sometimes that brings great joy to the family and other times great conflict. It has been really interesting finding every child's "thing" that they like best or do best. It has been just as interesting and painful to see the areas where they completely fail, again and again.
This past year, one child in particular has been failing in more than one area repeatedly and for this child's sake there will be no name listed (though I know some of you know my family well enough to pick who it may be). This child is continually "forgetting" basic things. It is actually beyond me that two minutes after been asked to brush teeth, that it is completely forgotten. I cannot believe that when I say go pick up your room it means sit down and play. I am pretty certain that every day when I say hang up your coat that the same four kids do it and this one kid leaves a trail from front door to back, down the hall, down the stairs all the way to the downstairs bathroom. What is even more unbelievable it that when I say "Did you eat breakfast" this child actually has to check.
So as a loving parent, I sometimes guide and remind. As the frustrated parent I sometimes yell and lecture (for way too long). But in the end, I sit in this child's room and read a book while this child cleans. I remind this child every day to brush teeth and hair multiple times until it is done. I walk around the house calling this child's name to pick up all things dropped on the floor. And I pray for a patient spouse who will love this child in the future as it is apparent this is who this child is and may not change...ever. And then I pray for my husband, my other kids, my friends, my family and me. I pray that we have the patients to love this child and remember this is who this child is and that God designed this child. And then...I go into my room, close the door, and scream into my pillow, "God, why on earth did my parent's "curse" work and I ended up with a child just like ME?" Oh well, I guess I had it coming ;) Oh, and to my dad, I am so very sorry. I really am. I have a much cleaner room now (or at least for today).
Having five kids brings a lot of variety to life. They are all so very different and sometimes that brings great joy to the family and other times great conflict. It has been really interesting finding every child's "thing" that they like best or do best. It has been just as interesting and painful to see the areas where they completely fail, again and again.
This past year, one child in particular has been failing in more than one area repeatedly and for this child's sake there will be no name listed (though I know some of you know my family well enough to pick who it may be). This child is continually "forgetting" basic things. It is actually beyond me that two minutes after been asked to brush teeth, that it is completely forgotten. I cannot believe that when I say go pick up your room it means sit down and play. I am pretty certain that every day when I say hang up your coat that the same four kids do it and this one kid leaves a trail from front door to back, down the hall, down the stairs all the way to the downstairs bathroom. What is even more unbelievable it that when I say "Did you eat breakfast" this child actually has to check.
So as a loving parent, I sometimes guide and remind. As the frustrated parent I sometimes yell and lecture (for way too long). But in the end, I sit in this child's room and read a book while this child cleans. I remind this child every day to brush teeth and hair multiple times until it is done. I walk around the house calling this child's name to pick up all things dropped on the floor. And I pray for a patient spouse who will love this child in the future as it is apparent this is who this child is and may not change...ever. And then I pray for my husband, my other kids, my friends, my family and me. I pray that we have the patients to love this child and remember this is who this child is and that God designed this child. And then...I go into my room, close the door, and scream into my pillow, "God, why on earth did my parent's "curse" work and I ended up with a child just like ME?" Oh well, I guess I had it coming ;) Oh, and to my dad, I am so very sorry. I really am. I have a much cleaner room now (or at least for today).
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
New Years Goals...ready...set...go!
I don't believe in New Year's Resolutions. Let me rephrase that. I don't believe in resolving to "mend my ways" as the Merriam-Webster dictionary put it. I instead look forward to making goals and most of my goals do not begin at the New Year. I tend not to be the type to wait for a date to start making a difference in my life or other lives. When it is time for change, it's time and January 1st is usually not that time for me.
This year I have one clear goal that began at the beginning of this year and will end on December 31st. As I stated in my last blog, I would like to read the entire Bible this year. Other than that, none of my goals are for 2011 and only 2011. But, nevertheless, I have goals. I have several different goals categories: Spiritual, Personal, Relational, Physical and Financial.
My spiritual goals are almost always the same: 1. Grow closer to God 2. Grow into the woman of God that He has called me to be 3. Invest spiritually into my loved ones (family and friends).
My personal goals include: 1. Blog more 2. Journal privately more consistently 3. Write letters to my loved ones (some I will give them and others I save for the future) 4. Read more 5. Facebook less
My relational goals are mostly considering my core family, but also friends: 1. Be more intentional about relationship 2. Spend quality time with each individual family member (I see a lot of date nights with the kids in the future) 3. Listen 4. Be true and honest (even when it's hard)
My physical goals are not really public but include continuing to go to the gym and work with my trainer...oh and stay at the head of the pack on this summer's hike on vacation (I was at the back of the pack last year).
My financial goals are not public either but do include a personal commitment of NO personal spending for at least 30 days. I'm part way through it and it's tougher than I thought it would be. I also have a personal savings goal with hopes of surprising the family with a fun experience towards the end of the year.
I think putting this out here does a few things. First, I can't forget my goals because I always know where to find them. Second, I can be held accountable by my accountability partners because now they know what my goals are and where to find them. And last, I hope to encourage you to write down your goals whenever you started them for however long they will last. We are probably more likely to meet our goals when we don't forget what they are. And as always, thanks for listening.
This year I have one clear goal that began at the beginning of this year and will end on December 31st. As I stated in my last blog, I would like to read the entire Bible this year. Other than that, none of my goals are for 2011 and only 2011. But, nevertheless, I have goals. I have several different goals categories: Spiritual, Personal, Relational, Physical and Financial.
My spiritual goals are almost always the same: 1. Grow closer to God 2. Grow into the woman of God that He has called me to be 3. Invest spiritually into my loved ones (family and friends).
My personal goals include: 1. Blog more 2. Journal privately more consistently 3. Write letters to my loved ones (some I will give them and others I save for the future) 4. Read more 5. Facebook less
My relational goals are mostly considering my core family, but also friends: 1. Be more intentional about relationship 2. Spend quality time with each individual family member (I see a lot of date nights with the kids in the future) 3. Listen 4. Be true and honest (even when it's hard)
My physical goals are not really public but include continuing to go to the gym and work with my trainer...oh and stay at the head of the pack on this summer's hike on vacation (I was at the back of the pack last year).
My financial goals are not public either but do include a personal commitment of NO personal spending for at least 30 days. I'm part way through it and it's tougher than I thought it would be. I also have a personal savings goal with hopes of surprising the family with a fun experience towards the end of the year.
I think putting this out here does a few things. First, I can't forget my goals because I always know where to find them. Second, I can be held accountable by my accountability partners because now they know what my goals are and where to find them. And last, I hope to encourage you to write down your goals whenever you started them for however long they will last. We are probably more likely to meet our goals when we don't forget what they are. And as always, thanks for listening.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Bible reading
So I recently gave a Bible to a friend off my shelf because she didn't have one. I have an entire shelf of Bibles, different versions from over the years. Then in the midst of the holiday season, I realized I couldn't remember the last time I picked up my Bible or any other of the several Bibles I own. I think it had been a couple of weeks. I was actually a little shocked by this.
Though I do not make resolutions in the New Year, I have made up my mind that this will be the year that I make it through the Bible by December 31st of this year. There are many who have made this commitment and I hope the support will get us to the end.
I have a One Year Bible and have made it through several times, just not in a year. This will be the year I will accomplish it in 365 days. One thing I have decided about my goal is that I am not going to be controlled by the outline this One Year Bible makes. Today I have time to read so I am reading several days because I know there will be days I do not have a moment to myself. I would love to think that I would prioritize my Bible reading time over all else and make time everyday, but instead of a plan for perfection, I am planning for grace.
I pray for a wonderful love for the scriptures. I pray for new understanding. I pray for God's grace when I can't seem to extend it to myself. I pray for success in this goal for not only me but all the others who have made this commitment. I pray for all the God wants for me as I draw closer to Him by reading His Word. And finally, I pray that His Word sets my heart on fire each and every day!
Though I do not make resolutions in the New Year, I have made up my mind that this will be the year that I make it through the Bible by December 31st of this year. There are many who have made this commitment and I hope the support will get us to the end.
I have a One Year Bible and have made it through several times, just not in a year. This will be the year I will accomplish it in 365 days. One thing I have decided about my goal is that I am not going to be controlled by the outline this One Year Bible makes. Today I have time to read so I am reading several days because I know there will be days I do not have a moment to myself. I would love to think that I would prioritize my Bible reading time over all else and make time everyday, but instead of a plan for perfection, I am planning for grace.
I pray for a wonderful love for the scriptures. I pray for new understanding. I pray for God's grace when I can't seem to extend it to myself. I pray for success in this goal for not only me but all the others who have made this commitment. I pray for all the God wants for me as I draw closer to Him by reading His Word. And finally, I pray that His Word sets my heart on fire each and every day!
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Christmas Traditions Morrison Clan Style
I love Christmas traditions! In a clan this size, we have some that fit everyone. Some of these the girls and I brought to the mix. Some Ryan and his crew brought to the fun. Then there are some that we created together. This is our second year of Christmas Traditions: Morrison Clan Style. I hope you enjoy...oh and I got a new camera this year so hopefully I don't annoy everyone with the thousands of pictures I've already taken!
First we decorate the tree. This always includes pjs, a fire and a warm drink. This year the kids enjoyed Chai Tea Lattes with whipped cream. Each kid gets to put their own ornaments on the tree and share putting up the other ornaments. Each year kids get a special ornament from me and now from their Oma. I mark the year and name the back or bottom. This always starts stories of "Remember when..." Oh and decorating our tree always includes a box of tinsel per person...yes that's 7 boxes of tinsel, which of course the kids LOVE! Ryan I do not think shares that love, but he loves me so at least 7 boxes of tinsel go on the tree every year!
They all looked forward to finding out what I got them this year. I always spend a great deal of time to pick something special that represents their year. My mom did it every year for me, my brother and my dad. Then she did it for my girls and so have I every year. Ryan got a Bronco's ornament because we went to our first game together in November. Dean got a string of VW Bugs or "slug bugs" (a game that we all play and Dean claims that red ones are Spartan bugs, which grant a large Spartan kick, which we do not allow him to do, though he tries). Megan got a Santa riding a dolphin for her science project of a dolphin this year. Alex got a camo-hoodie because his room is all camo. Haley got Reese's PB cup for a funny comment she made telling us she was not "over" us eating all her Halloween Reese's 10 months prior to the comment. Cassidy got a beautiful ornament covered in peace signs, her favorite thing. Next year these will go on the tree and I'm sure there will be a lot of "Remember when..." conversations again.
Our next favorite tradition that is only a couple years old is Christmas with our friends. We get together with some friends and exchange gifts. This year we got together right after decorating the tree. It was a little early Christmas. Somehow this year my house got covered in confetti but we had a blast!
Next we have our Christmas Eve celebration. Last year we had an open house as my mom had for years. Friends and family would stop by, eat yummy snacks and then go to church. This year our lives did not permit for our normal tradition. Still we had one family over for a low key get together just before service. We still had yummy snacks then went to church. After church we stopped for hot chocolate and looked at Christmas lights. We probably didn't see the best displays in town but we had a blast talking about all the things we liked and didn't like.
I think my favorite tradition though is Christmas morning. This year that happened on the 26th at our house. This is one of the things we have have had to be flexible about as a blended family. Even still, it felt like Christmas. While I am wrapping gifts the weeks before, all the paper scraps get saved into a bin that cannot be used. Then we take the scraps and make a wrapping paper wall that covers our hallway. When the kids wake up, they wait for us to "sneak" to the other side and on the count of 3, run through the wall to discover all the gifts under the tree that "appeared" after they slept. It's a tradition that Megan and Haley's dad had as a little boy and one we have cherished and kept.
This year we had Christmas at my in-laws on the evening of Christmas before our Christmas. It's always a fun time filled with family and friends and lots of food. We exchange and open gifts. We laugh and tell stories of years past. I feel so very blessed to have shared my second year with this family and love that the girls and I have been welcomed into their family as though we were always apart of it.
After our Christmas on the 26th we went over to my parent's house for Christmas. They had just moved to a new home. Dad and Diane were excited to start a lot of new memories in their home. My brother, sister-in-law and nephew Aiden were there as were Diane's boys. It was a house full and there was cooking and conversation, games and laughter. The high light is when Oma (Diane) got Papa and the kids a Wii. We actually didn't pull our family away till almost midnight. We all remarked how wonderful it was and know that their new home will be a house filled with memories.
After all the hustle and bustle, I am excited to say that I feel very blessed. Not too long ago my family was small and broken just me, my girls, my dad and my brother. Now we have a large loving family that surrounds us. I have a beautiful home and so does my dad. We talk often about not really knowing how we got here but knowing we are blessed. This is not where I thought I would be but I am so glad I'm not in charge. God has overly blessed my life in ways I could not have imagined for myself. I hope this year I will be blogging a bit more. But for now I leave you with these thoughts: If I had been in control of my life I would not have taken the loved ones I lost. But if I had been in charge I would not have been given new ones to love. I will always love the lost loved one but I am blessed to have new loved ones to keep me close at all times, even the times when I love the lost loved ones. It may be hard and confusing, but it's all I have.
First we decorate the tree. This always includes pjs, a fire and a warm drink. This year the kids enjoyed Chai Tea Lattes with whipped cream. Each kid gets to put their own ornaments on the tree and share putting up the other ornaments. Each year kids get a special ornament from me and now from their Oma. I mark the year and name the back or bottom. This always starts stories of "Remember when..." Oh and decorating our tree always includes a box of tinsel per person...yes that's 7 boxes of tinsel, which of course the kids LOVE! Ryan I do not think shares that love, but he loves me so at least 7 boxes of tinsel go on the tree every year!
They all looked forward to finding out what I got them this year. I always spend a great deal of time to pick something special that represents their year. My mom did it every year for me, my brother and my dad. Then she did it for my girls and so have I every year. Ryan got a Bronco's ornament because we went to our first game together in November. Dean got a string of VW Bugs or "slug bugs" (a game that we all play and Dean claims that red ones are Spartan bugs, which grant a large Spartan kick, which we do not allow him to do, though he tries). Megan got a Santa riding a dolphin for her science project of a dolphin this year. Alex got a camo-hoodie because his room is all camo. Haley got Reese's PB cup for a funny comment she made telling us she was not "over" us eating all her Halloween Reese's 10 months prior to the comment. Cassidy got a beautiful ornament covered in peace signs, her favorite thing. Next year these will go on the tree and I'm sure there will be a lot of "Remember when..." conversations again.
Our next favorite tradition that is only a couple years old is Christmas with our friends. We get together with some friends and exchange gifts. This year we got together right after decorating the tree. It was a little early Christmas. Somehow this year my house got covered in confetti but we had a blast!
Next we have our Christmas Eve celebration. Last year we had an open house as my mom had for years. Friends and family would stop by, eat yummy snacks and then go to church. This year our lives did not permit for our normal tradition. Still we had one family over for a low key get together just before service. We still had yummy snacks then went to church. After church we stopped for hot chocolate and looked at Christmas lights. We probably didn't see the best displays in town but we had a blast talking about all the things we liked and didn't like.
I think my favorite tradition though is Christmas morning. This year that happened on the 26th at our house. This is one of the things we have have had to be flexible about as a blended family. Even still, it felt like Christmas. While I am wrapping gifts the weeks before, all the paper scraps get saved into a bin that cannot be used. Then we take the scraps and make a wrapping paper wall that covers our hallway. When the kids wake up, they wait for us to "sneak" to the other side and on the count of 3, run through the wall to discover all the gifts under the tree that "appeared" after they slept. It's a tradition that Megan and Haley's dad had as a little boy and one we have cherished and kept.
This year we had Christmas at my in-laws on the evening of Christmas before our Christmas. It's always a fun time filled with family and friends and lots of food. We exchange and open gifts. We laugh and tell stories of years past. I feel so very blessed to have shared my second year with this family and love that the girls and I have been welcomed into their family as though we were always apart of it.
After our Christmas on the 26th we went over to my parent's house for Christmas. They had just moved to a new home. Dad and Diane were excited to start a lot of new memories in their home. My brother, sister-in-law and nephew Aiden were there as were Diane's boys. It was a house full and there was cooking and conversation, games and laughter. The high light is when Oma (Diane) got Papa and the kids a Wii. We actually didn't pull our family away till almost midnight. We all remarked how wonderful it was and know that their new home will be a house filled with memories.
After all the hustle and bustle, I am excited to say that I feel very blessed. Not too long ago my family was small and broken just me, my girls, my dad and my brother. Now we have a large loving family that surrounds us. I have a beautiful home and so does my dad. We talk often about not really knowing how we got here but knowing we are blessed. This is not where I thought I would be but I am so glad I'm not in charge. God has overly blessed my life in ways I could not have imagined for myself. I hope this year I will be blogging a bit more. But for now I leave you with these thoughts: If I had been in control of my life I would not have taken the loved ones I lost. But if I had been in charge I would not have been given new ones to love. I will always love the lost loved one but I am blessed to have new loved ones to keep me close at all times, even the times when I love the lost loved ones. It may be hard and confusing, but it's all I have.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Overwhelm
In case you didn't know, here are some of the definitions of overwhelm:
So today, my house may be 89% clean, but I have two weeks of homework to finish in the next four days. Even when that's complete, I have several things at four different kids' school that need attention from teacher conferences to driving for a field trip. And when those are done (in eight & a half years), I still need to find enough energy for my family and friends. Somewhere in all of that, I want to go to the gym to take care of me.
I took 9,000 things off my plate this summer only to fill it up again. I hope that the things I replaced "fit" me better because the things I took off were definitely draining me. All I can say is today overwhelm seems a bit light on describing how I feel. Nothing happened that brought me here today, but none the less here I am.
Overwhelmed...oh and tired.
I am just going to rest in the fact that I don't have to do it all. I am a good wife, mother and friend. I seek progress not perfection in all things. AND most importantly...I am loved: by God, by family, by friends and I love them all. In the end, that makes my overwhelm shrink down. I'm not drowning; it just feels that way sometimes.
- overcome, as with emotions or perceptual stimuli
- charge someone with too many tasks
- submerge: cover completely or make imperceptible;
- overpower: overcome by superior force or number
- To engulf, surge-over and submerge; To overpower emotionally
- Derived from the middle English term "to capsize".
- to overpower the thoughts, emotions, or senses of
- to overcome with irresistible force
- to overcome, as with a profusion or concentration of something
- to cover over or bury completely
- to weigh or rest upon overpoweringly
- upset
- overthrow
- to cover over completely
So today, my house may be 89% clean, but I have two weeks of homework to finish in the next four days. Even when that's complete, I have several things at four different kids' school that need attention from teacher conferences to driving for a field trip. And when those are done (in eight & a half years), I still need to find enough energy for my family and friends. Somewhere in all of that, I want to go to the gym to take care of me.
I took 9,000 things off my plate this summer only to fill it up again. I hope that the things I replaced "fit" me better because the things I took off were definitely draining me. All I can say is today overwhelm seems a bit light on describing how I feel. Nothing happened that brought me here today, but none the less here I am.
Overwhelmed...oh and tired.
I am just going to rest in the fact that I don't have to do it all. I am a good wife, mother and friend. I seek progress not perfection in all things. AND most importantly...I am loved: by God, by family, by friends and I love them all. In the end, that makes my overwhelm shrink down. I'm not drowning; it just feels that way sometimes.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Legacy...what is mine?
Legacy is an interesting thing. As an adult I have often thought about what kind of legacy I want to leave to my children, my family, my friends and the world I impact. But the thing I have been thinking on recently is: “What legacy was left to me?”
My mom. That is a sentence all on it’s own. She left an amazing legacy to me. One of the reasons I write today is because of her. I watched her search for the words to write her story my entire life. When she passed away, she had not written that story. I’m not sure if she had been given 100 years if she would have even written that story. It was in her heart and mind and she lived it everyday but when it came time to write, she had no words.
I remember one Christmas her youngest sister Barby gave her a beautiful leather bound journal to begin writing those words. Aunt Barby had gone through ever couple of pages and wrote inspiration quotes or scriptures so that as she progressed through the pages, she would have a little note to inspire her. When she passed away, I found the journal on the bookshelf next to her computer. My mom had not written one single word in this journal. She had been so touched to receive it but she never used it. I now have this journal and have not written one single word in it either. But, just as my mom did when she received it, I have paged through all the pages and read all of my Aunt’s beautifully scripted handwritten quotes and for me, it has inspired me.
I am not walking in my mother’s footsteps. I am not waiting for the perfect words or idea to get published. Being my mom was an editor at a large Christian publishing company for many years, she knew what people would read, what editors would read, and what would sell. I, however, do not. I just put my life into words that probably no person would pay to read. That’s okay with me. The legacy my mom left was one she never walked but yet it exuded from her all the time. She was going to write her story and because she didn’t, I am writing mine and some of it is hers.
Another legacy was one my mom’s mom left to me. Though she is still her, there was a legacy that she instilled in my mom that was passed on to me. My grandma walked a legacy of independence. This independence was born because she was widowed very young with three small girls. She raised them all on her own and didn’t remarry until around the time her girls were marrying. She walked this walk in amazing grace and confidence and I have looked to that many times.
All my life, the lesson I heard over and over, though not always verbally but more in action, was that I needed to learn to be independent because you never know what will happen. I often shrugged this off to the side thinking this would never be my life. Unfortunately it was. I was a young widow with young girls. I had to learn to do it all. When the car broke, I had to figure out how to take care of it. When the girls were sick, I had to get them to the doctor. These may have been things I had done on my own in the past, but now I had to do them on my own. There was no one else but me.
Or so I thought. One other legacy that has been left me by many generations and many family member was one of Christ. I am a daughter of the King. This is a legacy my grandparents on both sides, my aunts and uncles, my parents and my cousins have all walked. We are God’s and we do not have to do it all. We are not alone.
I don’t know what my kids will say is the legacy that I left them was. I do know some of the legacies left to me: writing, independence and God. I guess I will just keep writing my story and maybe someday my kids will write theirs. As long as God is the author and I am only an editor, I can’t see how this can be anything be a glorious legacy of God’s will for me.
My mom. That is a sentence all on it’s own. She left an amazing legacy to me. One of the reasons I write today is because of her. I watched her search for the words to write her story my entire life. When she passed away, she had not written that story. I’m not sure if she had been given 100 years if she would have even written that story. It was in her heart and mind and she lived it everyday but when it came time to write, she had no words.
 |
| Mom & I on Mother's Day when I was about 4 years old |
I am not walking in my mother’s footsteps. I am not waiting for the perfect words or idea to get published. Being my mom was an editor at a large Christian publishing company for many years, she knew what people would read, what editors would read, and what would sell. I, however, do not. I just put my life into words that probably no person would pay to read. That’s okay with me. The legacy my mom left was one she never walked but yet it exuded from her all the time. She was going to write her story and because she didn’t, I am writing mine and some of it is hers.
Another legacy was one my mom’s mom left to me. Though she is still her, there was a legacy that she instilled in my mom that was passed on to me. My grandma walked a legacy of independence. This independence was born because she was widowed very young with three small girls. She raised them all on her own and didn’t remarry until around the time her girls were marrying. She walked this walk in amazing grace and confidence and I have looked to that many times.
 |
| My grandma and her three girls (my mom is the oldest). |
Or so I thought. One other legacy that has been left me by many generations and many family member was one of Christ. I am a daughter of the King. This is a legacy my grandparents on both sides, my aunts and uncles, my parents and my cousins have all walked. We are God’s and we do not have to do it all. We are not alone.
 |
| Mom's Family |
 |
| Dad's Family |
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)