Really, really bad days...

Did you ever wake up thinking you were going to have a good day and within an hour that wasn't the case? Hmmm, I did...

I'm over the stress and anxiety others bring to my life. I'm over the stress of money. I'm over the stress of kids needing this and that and well, I'm just over it.

Today is a bad day. A really, really bad day...

I live in a world that has nothing to do with me. That's okay, because that's called being a mom...but today, the step-mom stuff hurts.

What really gets to me is how often I have to pay for the actions of others with whom I have no and I mean NO relationship and I never will. I keep trying to teach my kiddos that there are times in life when we all have to pay a consequence for others' actions but right now I just wanna pitch a fit. I don't wanna learn a life lesson. I don't wanna! I DON'T WANNA!

Okay, breath in...and out.

I'm done. I've pitched my fit.

I love being a mom and wife. I love my kids and my husband. I love all the baggage that comes with this crazy, blended family. Somedays, I sit down to dinner and look around my family and I can't see anything but my family. It doesn't matter that they all have a different set of parents. It doesn't matter that they are 1/2 siblings or step siblings. We don't even use that word. In fact the dog is a sister too, really she is.

We're a family. All in one bunch. Crazy, different, and mostly happy family...

I want to close my eyes and pretend there is nothing beyond these walls of my home. I want to live in a world with just my family. I want to worry about the needs of the children who sit at my table and sleep in my home.

But this is not the truth for blended families.

We have people come in and out of our house. We have people who don't spend any time in our house and yet we are still responsible for them. Their needs usually take the priority over everyone else. We don't get a say. We don't have a voice. And really more than that, I don't have a voice.

The whoas of a step-mom are many today. I get to work hard for others to squander and make bad choices. I pick up the pieces that others' have broken. I pay the bills (or rather my husband does) for things I never see. I'm not considered a relevant party in making decisions regarding these kiddos, though I drive kiddos, and sacrifice and, and, and I thought I was like a mom...but oh by the way, the law says I'm not.

Somedays the kids hug me and I wonder what it would have been like to be their mom. I dream of a world where my hubby and I had kiddos together. Where we post pictures of ultrasounds and have a baby shower (and hubby doesn't want to come but does). Where we make lots of first memories together and I get to see the first time they smiled or laughed or rolled over. Were we lay in bed late at night with a toddler kicking us and climbing on us.

Mostly I'm glad I don't have babies or toddlers anymore. I love my mostly grown kiddos. They have been amazing to watch grow and they've matured so much. We have conversations like we're friends sometimes. I love hanging out with their friends and love taking them places to hang out with their friends.

But my hubby and I will never have a child together. We will never experience pregnancy as a couple. We will never get to pick a name together. We will never say, "I think she has my nose and your smile."

More than that, I'll never be mom to his kids.

They call me Renee...

I'm not their mom.

Like I said, it's a really, really bad day...

Okay, time to wipe away the tears. I love them and they love me. That really is enough and what really counts. Time to pick myself up and be mom. Even without the title, I still have to do my job...