When did this happen?

I got lost some where along the line. I’m pretty sure I knew where I was going when I began, but then again I could be wrong. I’m almost certain there were not all these stops along the way when I planned my trip. Oh…wait…I’m not in charge of this trip…He is.

OK, I woke up this morning and took a shower, put on lotion then got into clothes that would be described by most as pajamas: sweat shorts and a tank top. I threw my hair in a pony tail and climbed back into bed. I began doing homework on my lap top only to be interrupted no less than a dozen times for everything from “Can I have milk?” to “Can I let the dog out?” and even “I’m bored.” In between these interruptions, my phone rang several times, I received several text messages, my alarm buzzed reminding me to feed the dog and I ordered an Edible Arrangement online for my step daughter’s birthday (which I had to call my hubby twice to verify things). Oh and after having to restart my lap top for the second time this morning, I researched new lap tops.



By ten in the morning I decided it was a lost cause to read anymore and got the kids ready to go to Sam’s Club while talking in length on the phone with my sister-in-law about the next five months. That’s right; we were planning holidays in the beginning of August. I take that back, we talked about holidays through spring break, so I guess it was more like eight months of plans.

I got through Sam’s Club just over $100 as usual and decided to feed the kids there because of course it took longer than I planned and we were all very hungry now. Then I ran into the reptile store to get crickets for the lizard. On the way home I melted in the car because I told my hubby to take the car with AC being I thought I wouldn’t go anywhere (though I’m not sure why I though that because there’s no food in the house). All the way home the girls proceeded to name the twenty crickets I just purchase, names included: Haley, Haley Bob Jr., Road Kill, Petunia, Frank, Pickle, Fatty and well I guess you can see there seemed to be no rhyme or reason to the names.

I got home and unloaded what seemed like very little for the money I just spent all to realize I had told my hubby I was going out today. He asked if I would get him razor blades. Guess what I did not get while I was out today: razor blades. So now I’m trying to figure out why I have the no-AC-car and if I can push razor blades to another day. Of course I will because I’m not going out again today…too hot!

Then I got on Facebook for a bit and looked at my email. That’s when it hit me, how on earth did I get here. I think at some point I had some kind of style. I think I used to like nice things and wear nice things. I think I used to want a cute house with style. But now…

I live in pajamas most days and my hair being done is a pony tail (and not a cute styled one, but one that was just pulled back). My idea of primping is putting on lotion. A nice night with my hubby is just sitting in peace and quiet in front of the TV after kids go to bed, though we do go on the occasional date. I think I used to want a stylish home, but now my house is decorated in “I do not care if it gets totally destroyed” motif. I know stylish moms and have been to their nicely decorated home. I can’t figure out when or how I got lost.

There are parts of me that want to be stylish, wear nice clothes, have a nicely decorated home and have stylish kids. I dress myself, my home and my kids for comfort most of the time. To be honest, my biggest styling is permanent: tattoos and piercing. Deep down inside, I want to change just about everything in my home and my look. That all takes money, something there is little of in a big family.

So I continue to eat at the table that used to be my mom’s (which I would have never picked for myself). I have an eclectic closet and my kids wear hand-me-downs or great ARC finds. My fence has been patch too many times to count. I put down rugs to distract the eye from the fact that the carpet and the couch totally clash. Most of my décor is things I got as gifts but would not have picked for myself (with exception to a new picture I got for my birthday, which I would have picked myself.)

Here’s what it boils down to for me: “You can’t take it with you.” I would love to wear the cute little skirt and matching tank with new sandals and a matching necklace. I would love to have the walls in my home painted and a nice hard wood floor with a newly remodeled kitchen. I would love to shop at the mall for my kids’ clothes. BUT…I also love my home for the warmth my kids bring to it. I love that my kids get excited about the “new” bag of clothes someone dropped off. I love feeling comfortable enough in my own skin that my clothes do not define me. And I also love living in the house that my mom used to live in and even using her furniture. This is a home I would have never been able to afford on my own, but with my hubby and my dad’s assistance, we can. And it’s my H O M E.

In the end, this is not where I thought I was going. BUT…I’m really happy here. I will never be a designer girl and never really wanted that. I do have my own style and I can’t always afford to dress that way (and that’s OK). My home has “lived in” written all over it. And if my daughter spills ice cream on her shorts while we’re at Sam’s Club, I’m not angry (she’s the second kid in them anyways).