Role Model? How did that happen?

Okay, so I remember some influential people in my life throughout the years. There were some that were only a few years older than me. There were some that were teachers. There were some that were my friend's parents.

Now it seems most of the influential people in my life are my friends. I've some how stepped into being a role model I'm not looking for one anymore. How on earth did that happen? Hubby and I were talking about high school and he's pretty certain the 90's were yesterday. I was the one that had to inform him that it was more like 20 years ago! I think I'm getting a headache thinking about this.

Grrrr! I grew up! Not that I wanted to have "Peter Pan Syndrome" or anything. I just didn't want to grow up necessarily. I was certain my babies would stay babies forever. I never thought I would say, "20 years ago..." and have memories other than stories my parents had told. I certainly did not think I would have children that would look me in the eyes without me squatting down, girls who stole (I mean borrow) my clothes & shoes or have to have a conversation with anyone about colleges!

I've had my friend's kiddos ask me for advice and look up to me. They wanted dating advice or a job reference. But those were my friend's kiddos. Now it's my kiddo's friends! What happened? I have Jr. High & High school kiddos! WHAT!!! Sorry, I don't mean to be screaming so much. I think I'm in shock. I need to sit down. Breathe in...and out. Okay, I'm calm.

Here's the thing...

I love it! I really do. I think high school kiddos are amazing! (There I go shouting again, sorry). I love high schoolers. I really do. I think it's amazing time in life. Okay, let me rephrase that. I think it can be an amazing time in life. I'm not sure I loved it but I remember the people that poured into me during that time. I remember the conversations that adults had with me when they actually treated me like an adult. I remember them telling me they loved hanging out with me and thought I was amazing and in the back of my mind I thought they might be a little crazy. The thing is...they probably were and that's what made me love them.

I didn't have to pretend with them. I didn't have to be "good" for them and try to make them like me (like with friends at that age). I didn't have to be on my best behavior or prove anything. They just liked me. It was a life changing time for me and I know how blessed I am to had these amazing types of people in my life. Hannah Silva, if you're reading this, I'm thinking of your mom right now. Tell her ;) Phylis Huerta you're one too!

Okay, I could actually spend the entire post thanking amazing people for being my role model, but I actually had another point entirely.

I think I'm becoming a better mom because I hang out with my kiddos with their friends. When I'm with their friend, I watch how I talk to all of them. I try to be uplifting and encouraging at all times. We all work as a group to speak positive words. We have fun. We laugh. I do their makeup and take them to dinner before Homecoming. They decide dances are boring and would rather go to dinner and movie (with me by the way).

I talk with them about boys and their silly high school antics. I talk to them about college. I talk with them about classes and homework. We talk about driving and laws. I listen to them complain about the world as it is. I listen to them try to figure out complicated "real life" issues.

I come home and talk to my hubby about high school woes. We laugh and remember thinking out world was so hard and our parents' didn't understand anything. I think I may owe my dad yet another apology because once again, his words are coming back to me...through my own mouth actually. Ugh...when did this all happen.

But in the end, I really do love it. I love having my house full of High School and Jr. High girls. I love listening to them laugh. I love listening to them encourage each other because we all know that during theses years, in just one year they grow and mature so much they can even see it. I listen to the upper classmen encourage the freshmen. I listen to the freshmen encourage the Jr. Highers. I just listen and laugh.

Then I go to bed at night and lay there and wonder...

When did I grow up?

My life is an open book...

So have you ever heard people say their life is an open book? Okay, I'm sure you have. I've been know to say it on occasion as well. I tend to think my life is not only an open book but that I am also very transparent and open.

I think that I'm one to put it all out there. I believe that this is one of the things that makes us accountable in life. If my close friends and family know what's going on with me, they can help me and keep me accountable. This is how we grow. 

But then I have a bad moment. Okay, okay, okay, a bad day, week, whatever. It was not good. Then I get called on the line and held accountable for my attitude, my actions and my words. All of the sudden, I don't wanna be an open book anymore. 

I'd rather be like that book at the bottom of a teenager's locker. You know the ones. They sit at the bottom of the mess and collect all sorts of things. They get spilled on and then the pages start to stick together. When you try to pry them open you tear pages and words are lost or censored. There are stains covering certain parts and it becomes a bit of a mystery as to the details inscribe in the book. 

I want to want to look like that sad book with the binding pulling away so that at any moment a certain page or two could just drop out and disappear from the book. 

But alas, this is not the case. And frankly, as embarrassing as my bad moments (or weeks) are, they are part of me. I am a whole story. Every part is important. Every word is part of the story. Without a page or two, the book or rather my life are just not the same. 

So today, as I sit in my car waiting on a kiddo at an activity, I came to realize just a few things. First, I'm a writer and so I write. I do not plan to make my family blog a beautiful blog full of pictures of my family's activities. I probably will not keep people up to date with this ones activities and that ones interest. I just write. That's who I am. I've come to this conclusion before and now I'm holding myself accountable to write and every day. It may not always be a blog post but I'm gonna write!

Second thing I concluded is that I have found my voice. I don't know who the reader is but I know I have my voice. It's something I thought I'd never find. It's something I thought I would struggle to find my whole life. 

Lastly, I am not in pursuit of fame and riches or millions of followers. I aim to write because that's the person God created me to be. I am true to Him and no one else. I know some days I find it hard to hear Him but today I have clarity. For that I am thankful and so I write. 

Okay, I better stop writing today so I have something to write about tomorrow. Thanks for listening. 

One less reader...

So I feel like writing is just something that just comes naturally. Sometimes I struggle finding the perfect words at first but it doesn't take long for me to find them. I may hit delete a few times and start again, but in the end I usually find the words.

I've heard people talk about writer's block and I've been blessed to not experience that yet. I know many people who cannot seem to put their thoughts into words and into print. For me, that is not a problem.

I have to thank my mom. She seems to be the fire behind my passion. She was a wonderful writer. She had all sorts of talents, though I feel she never really saw them for what they were. I love what she did for me. She edited every piece of written work I wrote for years.

I would like to think she would be so proud of me. I would like to think she would be cheering me on as I write. I would like to think she would be the perfect editor for the book I will write.

But what's really interesting is I had other cheerleaders and I never knew it.

My grandma passed away last month. My dad & I traveled to her funeral. It was so weird. I got to see my cousins, some of whom I hadn't seen in 19 years. I realized I spent almost every Christmas at my Grandma's house with family growing up...and then. Well, we all grew up and had our own families. We stopped coming around at Christmas by the time we were teens.

All of the sudden, I felt really horrible. My grandma had probably been trying to get us all together again for years. We didn't do it until she was gone. My heart hurt.

Why? Why do we wait to get together? Why do we all talk about getting together and then never do?

Well, it was nice to get together. I missed my cousins and even got to spend time with some of my family with whom we never really got to spend time.

And then there were the scrapbooks...

Grandma scrapbooked a lot! She took this to a new level. She started scrapbooking before you could buy supplies at the craft stores, before you could easily copy pictures, before all the cute papers and embellishments.

As I looked through her scrapbook, I realized my Grandma kept track of everything in my life even if I didn't do the best to keep her in the loop. She had pictures of my girls every year. I had sent them, but I guess I never realized they were going into a scrapbook with a section dedicated to my girls. She even had pictures of major events at which she did not attend. My mom must have sent her some photos.

Then as I poured through the books, my cousin told me she read my blog every time. I never knew. I had no idea. She read every word I wrote. She was faithful to keeping in touch even though I did not pick up the phone, even though I did not write, and even though I had stopped visiting for the past few years.

Since she passed away, I haven't really wanted to write this post. It was the realization that I had one less reader. I don't have many reader or followers. I don't have many that keep in touch. I don't care if the world reads what I write. I write because God gives me the words to write. I write because I have a story to tell. I write to process life. I write because I love it and because my mom would have loved it. I write so often in honor of my mom.

Today...

Today I write in honor of my Grandma. I wish I would have know she was reading what I wrote...I would have written more to keep her in the loop. I wish I would have know about her scrapbooks...I would have sent more pictures. I wish I would have known...

I didn't know because I didn't call enough. I didn't know because I stopped visiting the past four years. I didn't know because I never asked.

Somehow, my Grandma ended up being my biggest cheerleader and I never knew. My Grandma was almost 90 when she passed. She had a cell phone. She had Facebook. She read Blogs. My Grandmas was a techie...

She followed me. I wish I would have know.

Broken Hearted...

When my friends hurt, I hurt.

As my mother described me so many years ago...

When I have a friend hurting, crying or grieving, I sit with them.

I feel I may be a magnet for the hurting... but that's okay with me.

I have amazing friends. In the past several months, my group of friends has exploded...which is good because I had so many lost recently.

Okay, Beth, I know I didn't lose you as a friend you just moved to TEXAS...but it seems like it sometimes. Especially when tomorrow I start the routine of dropping kids at school and somehow I feel I'll find myself trying to drive to your house for coffee only, you're not there. Love you lady!

But really, my group of amazingly close friends has grown a lot these past months. Some from entering a new season in life. Some from jobs. Some from family. And some old friends who have popped back around.

Anyways back to broken hearts...

I've had several friends hurting in so many different ways recently. It seems my phone rings often and well it sucks and it doesn't. It sucks my friends are hurting but I'm so glad I can be here for them.

Whether it's a puppy, hospital trip (or many), or broken relationships, I'm here. I listen. I love. And you all know I'm the last to make any judgement.

My heart is full of prayers for all of you. I want you to know (once again) I'm here. I'm praying. I love you. I'm not going anywhere. AND most of all, I feel blessed to have you in my life.

Alright girlfriends...it time to get serious about some girls nights! We need to laugh and love each other and let loose. Call me or text me its time to get out!

Where is the happy ending?

So my dad and I had a little chat yesterday about me writing my book. He had a theory as to why my mom never wrote her book...she was waiting for her happy ending to tie it all up.

Hmmm...if I wait for that, I may never write my book either.

Here's the thing...she did have a happy ending. She just couldn't see it. Well at least that's how I see it. She probably didn't get the happy ending for which she was looking.

Me?

Well, I'm not hoping for that happy ending.

My story has happy parts, and sad ones, and painful ones, and silly ones and ones that tear jerk and ones that you laugh till your sides hurt. That's all I have!

As well as I'm not looking for the ending. I'm not looking for the thing that ties it all up nicely. I'm looking at my mom and I stand back in awe. I'm looking at her life and think, "If I'm half the woman my mom was, I'll be happy and proud."

So I write.

I'm not sure where this journey will take me...but off I go.

I never thought when I started this blog 3 years ago that anyone would ever read it. I never thought anyone would care what I thought or felt enough to read a blog. I thought I'd share some family bliss and maybe if I was lucky a family member might look at the pictures. But this grew into something more that that. I became my way of expressing myself. I started thinking no one would read it and I didn't care and today...I feel the same way.

I write. If you read it...thanks. I write for me. I'll keep writing for me. In the end, the book will be for me. If anyone reads it...great. If not, I'll still write.

I may never find my happy ending either...but I will write.

What words cannot say...

I've been on a journey. I'm not sure where I'm going but I keep moving. I'm not even sure if I'm moving forward. All I know is I'm on a journey.

This past week my family went on a mini vacation. It wasn't the Creede annual vacation that was planned but it was some camping with the family in the mountains.

I enjoyed a wonderful four wheeler trip to a beautiful spot. I discovered something about myself on this trip. I had time to let my head clear and I could understand my thoughts. I rarely am able to see my thoughts clearly.

So many people in my life have commented on my writing and say they love how I am able to express myself. All I can say is it isn't me...not really. I don't know how many things I have struggled to write only to hear from others that it was powerful...and I...

I don't know why.

I write.

It just comes out of me. I'm not an artist that pictures a painting and finds the colors to express the feelings inside. I'm not a musician that hears music and plink and picks notes till it flows out as a beautiful serenade. I'm not a leader that commands people to join the cause and draws passion from within each of us.

I just write.

I don't know from where the words come.

They just live inside me. I hear speeches or dialogs or chapters in my head. It feels so natural. I had no idea others didn't have thoughts flowing through their head like a book that needs to be writen or a speech that needs to be given.

So...a book is inside me.

I have had so many people encourage me on this blog. Many hear my mother's voice in my words. Some see the best parts of me. Others feel things and see things through me.

I don't know anything about anything. I just write.

So today, I'm starting my book. I have the title. I have some thoughts. If it where up to my mom, I'd have an outline...but somehow I think I would never write the book. She wrote many outlines and never wrote. So today, I start my book, "The book my mom never wrote."

Welcome to a new journey. I don't know if I'll ever publish or anyone will ever read it but I'm going to write it.

Thanks to the many who read my blog. Maybe I'll put some parts of my book here. Maybe my book will just be clips of my blog. Whatever the case...today I begin to write.

Birthday Blues...

Today, I'm 28 years old again. I'd tell you what anniversary I'm celebrating but it would defeat the point of saying I'm 28 over and over. For those who know how old I am...forget! That's the best birthday you could give me.

As for the birthday blues...

It has been an upside down, inside out year for the Morrison Clan. Some of you know the trails we have been through and well...it sucks. The summer has been rough and we thought my in-law lost their home. Even though they didn't, they still lost a lot and have been working around the clock to get their life back in order.

Then we found out another complex of fires has now cancelled our annual vacation. This would have been the 40th year this family and friends have been enjoying this vacation. So this week has been full of friends and family trying to scramble to find something different. Thank you to all of you who got online and on the phone finding alternatives to include those who don't even go on vacation with us.

But last night my heart was broken. I was looking forward to this. This was keeping me going and now...

This one wants this and that one wants that. No one can get what they want because what we all want is not an option.

So...how I woke up on my birthday...first my hubby whispers happy birthday then we cancelled our alternative plans for vacation.

Ryan and I will still be taking time off and doing things with our family but our week long vacation in the mountains is gone.

NOW...I'm looking forward to tonight. I have amazing friends and they are all jumping to celebrate my birthday tonight. Dinner and drink! Just what the doctor ordered. Want to join us? Message me through FB for details or text me.

Thank you all for caring for my heart and life in so many ways. Those are the precious things to me. My phone has been beeping with FB messages and texts this morning wishing me happy birthday. Thanks!

So...off to work I go. Yes, I work on my birthday...but maybe that means I'll get some bonus tips. It is my birthday and my regular customers are amazing to me.

Today I'm trying not think on the "lost" vacation but rather the gift of life I celebrate each year on this day. I can't wait to see all my friends tonight and feel so blessed that my loved ones are jumping to celebrate. I have some of the most amazing friends in the world and tonight they join me from all areas of my life: long time friends, business friends, work friends and brand new friends.

This is an amazing year. I will not accept defeat. We joked with the kids last night that this would be the year that they looked back at as the year their grandparents lived together for a time. This will not be the year of fires and loss but of new experiences, new friends and hope.

Join with me today and find your hope. As a special gift to me, consider donating to the Black Forest wildfire relief funds. I will soon be joining an amazing group to raise funds to help the families who have lost so much. Be looking for a new blog for that organization. I can't wait to join the team and give back to the area I love so much. I hope to live in Black Forest someday soon with my family and can't wait to help rebuild it.

So though my morning started a little blue...I will not let it take me down. Birthday...here I come!