Thanks guys! These have to be the most encouraging things I heard after my first husband passed away. Just in case you can’t pick up on this in writing…I’m being sarcastic. Did people really think this was comforting when all I could think is, “Did I shower today?” or more seriously “How am I going to stretch this ridiculously small amount of money to cover all our bills?” or practically, “How many more days am I going to wake up crying and go to sleep crying?”
In the eve of this pain, I had NO idea how much it was going to hurt. I saw it coming and had no clue. Garrett didn’t die in a freak accident. He was sick for 14 months before we lost him. I spent 5 months straight…let me slow that down for you…more than 150 days straight in a hospital ICU day and night, then another 2 months in the hospital’s rehab before we came home. After all of that, if that wasn’t enough, he was in and out of the hospital for 7 months before he finally went home just days after Christmas.
In the midst of this pain, it felt like it would never end. I would wake up in the morning crying and fall asleep…yes, crying. I don’t think anyone really understands what it’s like until they experience it and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Loosing a spouse is painful. My girls lost a dad and that’s painful. Somehow in the midst of grieving, I was supposed to take care of my girls, teach them how to grieve and remember to shower!
Now looking back, it sometimes feels like a story I tell people. I feel a little disconnected at times. Other days it feels like we’re there again and I can smell and hear the sounds of the hospital in my head. Honestly though, most days are good days…no wait…great days. The life I have now is unexpected and blessed. I am living a life I could not have imagined for myself.
But back to the questions…why? Why did this happen to me? Even now I don’t know if I have an answer. Why did my girls have to loose their dad? That I don’t think I want to know the answer. Why did it happen when it happened? I don’t like the thought that there is an answer to that. Right now, though I still have a lot of whys (I could fill a book with whys) most days I really don’t want answers to my whys. The whys may be painful, but so far I can’t figure on how the answers would really help.
As for my other question, are you ever going to use my pain Lord? Today it feels like the answer is no. I feel He has been amazing throughout this whole journey. I have learned from it. My girls have learned from it. I think some of my friends have learned from it. But I feel called to serve others in pain…specifically grieving pain.
That feels very far away. I felt called to grieving people years before I had purpose (loosing Garrett and my mom). When my calling came and knocked, I didn’t answer right away. Now I feel like I’m on the path to doing just what I’m called to do. I’m just on the path right now but not quite there yet.
All around me I see people grieving, whether it’s the loss of a marriage, a miscarriage, a job or even a loved one. Yet I feel, so far, I am just a spectator from afar. Whatever God has taught me, for now, is caught in my head and heart. He hasn’t given me the opportunity to use it yet. And somehow I feel grieved again.
I lived in pain for so long. I grieved and hurt for a long time. I want to be used by Him. So I stay on the path and wonder how many more people I will watch grieve before I am called to walk with them. I will pray for them and continue to learn. To all those who are grieving right now, I pray for you daily and I am here.
So for now, I’m in school working on my degrees. I do all my other “jobs” as mother, wife, daughter, sister and friend. When people suffer great loss, I pray for them. After all I have been through I thank God daily for the blessings. And above all, I am ready to serve…whenever He calls me into action.
this is so beautiful i am crying. God does bring peace in unexpected things, but it is always hard to shake all the questions from racing through your head. thank you for posting...
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