The Like Button

The words are missing.

I don't even know why.

I have things I want to say but the words...they just don't seem right. I write something and the hit delete. Then I write a bit more and...delete. Then I think I have it and...wait for it... d e l e t e!

Why are the words so hard to find today? Why am I trying to write when I don't have the words? What is my purpose? Where did my voice go?

At the end of the day, I find myself writing stories in my head each and every day. I think I've done it my whole life.

Sometimes I dreaming of a world I want. Sometimes I'm dreaming of a world that could be. Sometimes I'm trying to correct things in my life.

Today...I'm just writing. There are no words but I write. My thoughts are jumbled but I write. My fears are growing but I write.

I don't understand why I continue to write. I have a few faithful friends and family that read but mostly, it would be safe to say this is just a journal. It seems to make little to no difference in life.

I'm just another person with a blog. Doesn't everyone have a blog now?

I don't have a niche, maybe just a glitch. I'm not clever or funny or witty. I'm not an authority on anything. I don't have a fantastic story to share. I don't have tales from far away places. I just write.

I feel like all I write about right now is that I write.

I think it's because I'm hiding.

I'm hiding from sharing what's really inside.

I'm an insecure person. Yep. I said it. I have lots and lots of fears. Anxiety and I are old friends.

I want to write my book. I want to share on my blog. I want to put it out there but then... maybe no one reads it. Or maybe no one comments. Or no one hits the "like" button.

Then I laid it all out there and well, I proved myself right...no one is there. I'm all alone.

I know it's not true but then little things happen to confirm my fears. I have friend who have never read a word I've written. I have family that didn't know I wrote. I have been blogging for years and no one follows me. I have my steady 30 readers and then something different happens.

I share these feelings and fears with a few close friends. One quotes me. I almost cry. One said, "Wow 30 readers" and then commented that she thinks I might be the only one on earth that would read her blog. Then my blog gets shared on another page and more than 100 people read one post.

It felt really good. I was excited. But the comparison game starts...

I look at a blog that I have seen several of my friends share. This woman writes less than I do and man when she does write, thousand and thousands read what she wrote. They share it and share it and it goes viral every single time.

Then I read another blog. This guy doesn't even know what he's talking about and he has thousands of followers.

I try to tell myself these things don't matter but in the end, I think the "like" button is ruining my life. I wait to see how many hits I get, how many likes, how many comments. I check over and over and over. I look at the stats obsessively.

Then I almost break and I try to talk myself off the ledge. I call some close girlfriends and get reminded of the truths I know. I know I have a way with words. I know I am able, capable and called. I can hear my mother's voice very clearly. She encourages me to keep writing.

I allow my friends to remind me that I like writing. That I'm good at it. That I wasn't out to be the biggest, badest, bestest. I just wanted to write what was on my heart and in my mind.

So I start a blog and I babble a lot. I write about writing. I write to get it out. I have fears and anxiety about writing. I don't ever feel like I'm enough or even have the right words to write.

Today, I won't fret too much. It's really not about the "like" button. I will not let it ruin my life. After all, Facebook could come out with a "dislike" button. Then I certainly would have lots to fret about...like how many "dislikes" would I get?